All comics by biped

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by biped
5-04-04
FEAST YOUR EYES upon the triumphant culmination of my lifes's work! BEHOLD, the clones -- THE CLONES OF BRAD SCHWARTZ!
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.
I am Brad Schwartz.
Yes, yes, fine -- and now, I'm late for a date with a buttery stack of delicious, syrupy pancakes.

 

by biped
5-04-04
WAIT! WAIT! MY GLORIOUS CREATIONS! COME BACK! I COMMAND YOU! COME BACK!
I love pancakes. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
I love pancakes. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
I love pancakes. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
I love pancakes. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
Gosh, I sure hope Jenny and Sally haven't eaten all of those delicious pancakes by now.

 

by biped
5-04-04
Honey, I'm home. I hope we have enough pancakes for all of these clones that a scientist created using my DNA.
Honey, I'm home. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
Honey, I'm home. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
Honey, I'm home. I am Brad Schwartz. I love pancakes.
Mummy! Mummy! Look at all the Daddies!
OH, MY GOD!!! Brad always likes to FUCK after he eats PANCAKES!!!

 

by biped
5-05-04
Welcome back to Channel 3 News...
...I'm Joe Crow Sloemoe. Gerald Posner, Trent Reznor, Kurt Kasner, and Ed Asner just proposed to Tammy Faye Messner.
Vince MacMahon, Dith Pran, Steely Dan, the Ku Klux Klan, Rue McClannahan, and the president of Pakistan all plan to audition as spokesman for Kellogg's All Bran.
Stanley Tucci, Gary Busey, Jim Belushi, Steve Doocy, a moosey, and Kristy Yamaguchi are choosy about the brand of sushi they get "loosey-goosey" about while watching "I Love Lucy." Goodnight.

 

by biped
5-05-04
It's time now for The Barnyard Gang! So come on, everyone!
We'll sing and dance, and play some games! And have a lot of fun!
Howdy kids, I'm Cowboy Bill. I'll take you to a round-up.
I'm Mr. Science! I will teach you how a cow is ground-up!
Cartoony Clown will show you Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!
I'm sorry Gang, your show's been cancelled. Ratings say you suck.

 

by biped
5-05-04
HULK SMASH!!!
Next.
HULK SMASH!!!
Next.
KKRRZZTT BLLGGRRPP!!!* (*"HULK SMASH!!!")
Hmm..."Bug Hulk." That would be different.

 

by biped
5-05-04
And now in the news -- The Middle East blues. The Arabs hate Jews, a truce they refuse.
In other news, Tim -- a woman named Kim, was married to Jim, till she rat-poisoned him.
In the weather this hour -- a thundrous shower, has robbed them of power, in the county of Brower.
And now for the sports! Where a boxer named Schwartz, has been put on report, for not wearing his shorts.
On the lighter side now -- a Maine farmer dropped trou, and had sex with a sow, while french-kissing a cow.
Ha ha, Tim that's funny, and my eyes are all runny. Now stay tuned for "Bugs Bunny", and then "Win Ben Stein's Money."

 

by biped
5-05-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
But since you're here, how would you feel about Roto-Rootering a clogged sewer line for me?

 

by biped
5-05-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
But if you'll wait a moment, I'll go tell the electric pencil sharpener his blind date is here.

 

by biped
5-06-04
This just in--President Bush was awash in a flush of well-wishers who rushed him and pushed till they crushed him, which then caused his tush to explode with a whoosh...
...as his tummy was smushed and a rather voluptuous cloud of the lushest and plushest aroma that you ever sniffed was allowed to be plowed through his anus quite loudly...
...as he took a whiff and then bowed to the crowd, evidently quite proud, as if this were some gift he'd bestowed to the hushed and then visibly miffed congregation of rowdy convention attendees...
...and people with mullets and drifters who'd showed up to eat some free chow and then lift peoples' wallets while they were distracted by smelling the scent of the President's vent...
...which refused to relent as it hovered unspent and their nostrils were bent to prevent the immensely offensive assault of the gaseous event that inflated the President's shorts like a tent ...
...causing plenty of people to faint to the floor as they wished in 2000 they'd voted for Gore even though he's no more than a bilious bore who's so fat he can no longer fit through a door.Goodnight.

 

by biped
5-06-04
Well, if that's the way you feel about it...then FUCK YOU!!!
No, fuck YOU, ASSHOLE!!!
Heh...he's gone off to sulk. I really enjoy yanking his chain...he's such a sensitive little sissy-pants.
*sniff* He was MEAN to me! And I thought we were FRIENDS, too! *sob* But we AREN'T...not ANYMORE!

 

by biped
5-06-04
LOOK!!! Me found KITTY CAT!!!
Yeah...*sniff*...me glad you found kitty cat. Boy, I hate that Biff guy so much. He sure is mean to me.
Me GLAD you glad me found KITTY CAT!!!
Yeah... *sob*...me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat. Boy, I'd sure like to get back at that meanie, and...and hurt HIS feelings for a change. *choke*
Six hours later...
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad...
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat. *sniff* He sure is mean... *sob*

 

by biped
5-06-04
KITTY CAT wants to go HOME and drink some MILK now!!! BYE!!!
Okay. Bye, Blaine. *sniff* I hope you still HAVE a home.
But not HIM! *sob* I hope HIS home got BLOWN UP! And I hope HIS kitty cat got ki -- NO! NO! It isn't his poor little KITTY CAT'S fault that he's so MEAN. *sniff*
I heard that. Can I come live with you from now on, instead of Biff?
YES! YES! I'll be NICE to you! And not MEAN, like HIM! *sniff* And we'll be BEST FRIENDS, Fluffy!

 

by biped
5-06-04
Look...Biff's dead.
NO! NO! Now I feel BAD about saying all those BAD THINGS about him! And WISHING him ILL! OH, WAAA-HAAA-HAAA!!! *SOB!!!*
Forty years later...
WAAAAA!!!! *SNIFF!!!* HE DIDN'T MEAN TO BE SO MEAN!!! OH, BIFF!!! OH, I'M SO SORRY!!! WAAA-HAAAA!!!!! *CHOKE!!!*
Dinner's ready.
HE WAS NICE ON THE INSIDE!!! HE JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT!!! OH BIFF!!! I'M SO VERY, VERY SORRY!!! WAAA-HAAAA!!! *SOB!!!*
Mmm...*munch* ...the asparagus is a tad overdone...but I think you'll be pleased with the way the chops turned out...*chomp*

 

by biped
5-06-04
This is the shocking TV commercial that was produced by Pissgums Funeral Home, but was never allowed to be broadcast.
Brand new WACKY SLABS! The GROOVY NEW MORGUE ACCESSORY that makes DEATH so much FUN!
You'll WISH you were DEAD -- just so your OWN BUTT-NEKKID CORPSE can be SLAPPED onto a WACKY SLAB like a SIDE OF BACON!
You've heard the term "GO FUCK YOURSELF"? Well, in DEATH -- you REALLY DO get to "FUCK YOURSELF"!
Because here at PISSGUMS FUNERAL HOME, we make ALL the corpses FUCK themselves! AND EACH OTHER!
And THEN we FUCK 'EM OURSELVES!
And YOU PAY US to DO IT! Like the HUGE DUMB FUCKING ASSHOLE that you are!

 

by biped
5-06-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Hey! Wanna see my "wiener"?

 

by biped
5-06-04
So...how's the new butt creme working out?
Please...not so loud. I'd rather people didn't --
Butt creme!!! BUTT CREME!!!
You BASTARD.

 

by biped
5-06-04
My new diet seems to be working. I think I'm finally starting to lose a few pounds.
You didn't lose them...they're just hiding behind you.
You're part of the reason I'm bulemic.

 

by biped
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
PENIS!!!

 

by biped
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Oh, boy! Hot buttered mongoloid!

 

by biped
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
You're a MAN?

 

by biped
5-07-04
Boy, I hate that guy. He's always making fun of me. Never a nice thing to say...always something derogatory or insulting.
Don't have a cow, man!

 

by biped
5-07-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Wake up, lover! Playtime again!
NO!!! NO!!! OH MY GOD, JUST KILL ME!!!

 

by biped
5-07-04
Heh, heh! So then we --
I'm pregnant.
Whoa. Sucks to be you, dude.

 

by biped
5-07-04
1.
Sorry I'm late, Your Honor. I was having anal sex with your wife, and I thought I'd NEVER get a fucking nut.
2.
Sorry about the erection, Your Honor. I was just fantasizing about you gargling my balls.
3.
Sorry about the erection, Your Honor. I was just fantasizing about you gargling his balls.

 

by biped
5-07-04
Ha-ha! Just kidding, boss...I'll get those reports to you first thing in the morning. See you then.
How...how did you do that?
How in the world did he do that? Everything went white, and I felt --
Hey, mister! Would you like to go for a ride in my interplanetary space cruiser?
I certainly didn't know coyotes had interplanetary space cruisers, much less could actually pilot them.
Captain to engineering! Prepare for interdimensional time-space transwarp acceleration! On my mark!

 

by biped
5-07-04
This is so thrilling! I can't believe I'm actually travelling in space, in this wonderful interplanetary --
Surprise, boss! It was just me, wearing a coyote suit.
But...but...the spaceship...
It's just a painted backdrop, boss. I whipped it up in my garage last night and brought it to work with me.
Well, leaving for real this time, boss. See you tomorrow.
So...we're still in my office, right?

 

by biped
5-07-04
This certainly has been a confusing day. I still can't believe --
Hold it right there, buddy. Is this your car?
Why, yes it is. What seems to be the problem, officer?
Oh no problem, except that this car was used in a tri-state killing spree, and you're under arrest for mass murder. You'll fry for this, you unimaginable monster.
But officer, I didn't do it! Oh my god, what will I tell Doris and the kids? This is the most horrible --
Ha! Got you again...it was just me in a cop suit. Well, see you tomorrow, boss.

 

by biped
5-07-04
Heavens, this is all so upsetting. I -- oh my goodness, now what?
Surprise! You just got hit by a bus, and now you're dead. Welcome to Hell. Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, you're not fooling me this time. I know you're really my mischievous employee Daniel, and that this is all another convincing prank.
Wow! I never heard that one before! Wait'll I tell all the guys on the eleventh level of eternal agony about you. They'll bust a gut!
Right...now, how about those reports?
Have 'em on your desk first thing in the morning, boss. See you then.

 

by biped
5-07-04
I've been drinking a lot more since my girlfriend left me.
I saw her yesterday. She said she'd finally stopped drinking after she left you.
What's that supposed to mean?
Oh, nothing. It's just funny how things even out sometimes.
Especially since you're such an incredible dickhead.

 

by biped
5-08-04
I'm looking for undersea treasure!
I'm following the bluefish! If he finds undersea treasure, I will steal it from him!
I'm following the bluefish and the dolphin! If the bluefish finds undersea treasure and the dolphin steals it from him, I will eat the bluefish and the dolphin and steal the treasure from them!
I'm looking for my contact lens!

 

by biped
5-08-04
Hey, let's start a gang and go around stealing, kidnapping, and extorting money from people! Nobody'll ever suspect us, since we're cute dolphins!
But...we're underwater! There aren't any people down here to do all that stuff to! They all live up on the surface!
Wow...you're right! Let's just swim around all day and do cute stuff, then!

 

by biped
5-08-04
See that eel over there to my left? He's been hiding behind that kelp all day!
Yeah! I think he's spying on that little yellow fish over to my right!
Well if he is, he's being pretty bleedin' obvious about it! He really sucks at spying!
Yeah! Hey, let's eat him! And the little fish, too!
But, don't you want to wait and see what they're up to?
No, I'm hungry! Their motivations and concerns mean nothing to me!

 

by biped
5-08-04
PHIL! I didn't quite catch that name! Was it Fred? Fred Frompston? Because I used to KNOW a guy named Fred Frompston!
No, Sally! His name is RED! RED THOMPSON! Now Mr. Thompson, you were just about to tell us about the horrible --
PHIL! Did you just call me "silly"? I don't appreciate that at all, because I'm a serious television news journalist and my credentials are impeccable! HOW DARE you call me names !

 

by biped
5-08-04
NO, Sally, I didn't call you SILLY! I called you SALLY, which is your name! I think we may be having some TECHNICAL PROBLEMS that are preventing you from hearing --
PHIL! You need to SPEED IT UP! We don't have ALL DAY to devote to this story! Now interview Mr. Frompston and get it OVER with already! HI, FRED! LONG TIME NO SEE!
My name's not Fred Frompston --
PLEASE, you dizzy old bastard, just HURRY UP and tell the fucking story before she opens her mouth again!

 

by biped
5-08-04
Er...well, there were these two gangs, the Jets and the Sharks...
Yeah, uh-uh, uh-uh...fascinating...hurry up...
HEY, FRED! Remember when you ROBBED me of my VIRGINITY in the back of your VOLKSWAGEN? My KNEES were in my EARS, and you kept turning on the WINDSHIELD WIPERS with your ASS!
Uh, now that never happened, I've been happily married to my wife Edna for --
JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY, YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH! THIS IS MY CHANCE FOR A FUCKING PEABODY AWARD AND I'LL CRAWL OVER YOUR FUCKING CORPSE TO GET MY FUCKING HANDS ON IT!

 

by biped
5-08-04
Well, I --
NO!!! GET YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!!! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY!!! SHE'S CRAZY!!! THAT HATCHET-FACED COCKSUCKER WITH THE BEARD IS CRAZY!!!
I, uh...
COCK!!! SUCK!!! SHIT!!! I'LL KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
THIS JUST IN -- well-known local newscaster PHIL McCRACKEN has just gone BERSERK and KILLED two ambulance attendants who were trying to HAUL HIM OFF to the NUT FARM! WHAT A NEWS DAY this has been!

 

by biped
5-08-04
You know that new girl in the office? The really homely one who looks sort of like Lon Chaney?
Oh, yeah. She's a real dog all right, heh-heh. What about her?
I heard she's got the clap.
Oh, FUCK ME.

 

by biped
5-09-04
Wha-- what happened? Where am I?
Hell, my dear boy. I'm afraid the fugu chef left his glasses at home today.
Oh...well...COOL, right, dude? Like, rock on! Marilyn Manson! Satan rulz! 666! "See ya in Hell!" Like...party time, huh? Huh?
Oh, MY! We love getting your ilk down here! Simply priceless!
YAAAA!!!! NO!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! YAAAAAA!!!!!!
Oh, come now...the red-hot poker up the ass is just our little way of "breaking the ice."

 

by biped
5-09-04
Ha, ha...oh, you handsome devil, you. Chalk up another one for "the sex machine." That must've been, without a doubt, the best handjob I ever had.
Thanks, me. I'm glad I enjoyed it.
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-09-04
Well, I think the crowd's about as big as it's gonna get, Captain Chip...if you can call it a "crowd"...forty or fifty people, tops...
Those people are my true fans! Bless each and every one of them for coming to see me!
Yeah, well... people have short memories, Captain Chip...the public is fickle...
I'll perform for this group of stalwart fans as though they were a throng of ten-thousand! I've never let a single Captain Chip fan down in my entire life!
Yeah, er, I've been meaning to tell you...we had to advertise you as "Captain Wanker", or else nobody would show up at all...sorry about that...
"Captain Wanker"? Oh my god, no...no! It was just a brief lapse into porn...I needed the money so badly for that hernia operation!

 

by biped
5-09-04
And now, here he is...the guy you've all been waiting for...CAPTAIN WANKER!
Hello, ha-ha! It's me, Captain Chip! Greetings, all my wonderful fans!
...clap.......clap......clap...
Thank you for that wonderful ovation! Ha-ha, oh yes! What fun we'll have!
I'll tell you some wonderful anecdotes about my classic television show! And then we'll have a question-and-answer session, where you, the fans --
TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF!

 

by biped
5-09-04
YEAH, PULL 'EM DOWN AND SHOW US YOUR DICK, CAPTAIN WANKER! AND WANK IT FOR US!
Oh, heh-heh...well, I suppose I could, if...if that's what everyone wants...
WANK! WANK! WANK!...OH, MY GOD!...HA-HA-HA! HE'S DOIN' IT!
Yes...ha-ha...it's funny....I'm funny..... I'm......funny .....ha, ha......ha........
...as seen here in happier times, during one of his appearances as the beloved "Captain Chip." Coroner's office has ruled the death a suicide. And in sports...

 

by biped
5-10-04
The weirdest thing just happened to me in a dark alley...
HOLD IT! I'll finish this anecdote for you!
"There you were, minding your own business, when..."
Doot-de-doo...OH MY GOSH! A NINJA!
HA-HA! NONE SHALL PASS WITHOUT GIVING DEADLY NINJA INCREDIBLE BLOWJOB!
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-10-04
The coolest thing just happened to me in a dark alley...
HOLD IT! I'll finish this anecdote for you!
"There I was, parading around in drag as I am occasionally wont to do, when..."
Hold it right there, beautiful! Nobody gets past me without comin' across with a little lovin', heh-heh...
Oh, good HEAVENS! You naughty MAN, you! TEE-HEE!
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-10-04
Officer, I'd like to report a --
HOLD IT! I'll finish this police report for you!
"There you were, relating an interesting anecdote to a psychotic rabbit wearing women's lingerie, when..."
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-10-04
BB-RR-II-NN-GG!!!
Oh, FUCK!!! I bought the kind of phone that says "BB-RR-II-NN-GG!!!" instead of just 'RRR-III-NNGG!!!"
BB-RR-II-NN-GG!!!
SHUT UP!!!
BB-RR-II --
FUCK!!! I'LL FUCK -- YOU -- SUCKING PHONE!!! SHIT!!!

 

by biped
5-10-04
Oh, I LOVE my new phone! It's a PRINCESS phone! *GIGGLE * It's just like ME, because we're BOTH prin --
I'm not a princess phone, dumbass...and you're a stupid fucking asshole for making such a fuck-headed, shit-for-brains mistake.
HUH? But...but that's an awful thing to say... *whimper*
So, what did you expect? I came out of Hitler's ass.
HITLER'S ASS?
Yep. He ate all the different parts, and shit a telephone. And here I am.

 

by biped
5-10-04
RRR-III-NNN-GGG!!!
Oh, how I hate and despise telephones. Of all the human inventions, I hate telephones most of all.
RRR-III-NNN-GGG!!!
Oh my god, I'm having the telephone nightmare again.

 

by biped
5-10-04
Gee...it's hard to decide between the classic Ferrari and the brand new Lambergini. But I think I'll look nice behind the wheel of that Ferrari.
Excellent choice, sir. And, by the way...it came out of Hitler's ass.
Yes, fine, and...uh...wha-what did you say?
The Ferrari, sir. It came out of Hitler's ass. He just ate all the different parts, and shit a Ferrari. And there it is.

Showing page 4.

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