All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
6-06-03
So you're against the war, huh?
Yes, but I support the troops 100%
And how do you support troops involved with a war you disagree with?
Um...my taxes go to pay their salaries, don't they?
They would if you had an appreciable income.
Hey, it's not my fault the market for tie-dye shirts collapsed when Jerry died.

 

by choadwarrior
6-07-03
Overall, the your teeth look great, but I'm very concerned about your lack of flossing.
Your gums are bleeding because you don't floss.
I've gotta disagree with you there, doc.
They weren't bleeding when I came in, so I'm pretty sure you poking them over and over with a sharp pick caused that.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-03
This morning, I decided not to eat meat anymore.
Mainly for health reasons...
Don't forget that it's wrong to eat animals, too!
...then on the way home, I ran over a bunny.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-03
I think these lawsuits trying to force corporations to pay reparations for slavery are ridiculous. What about all the good things rich, white people have done for blacks?
Ha! Name one.
I'll name two...
Not only did Mr. Drummond adopt Arnold and Willis but the Papadopolises also adopted that cute, little scamp Webster.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-03
My birthday is September 11th.
Oh, that must suck to have that as your birthday.
Get this...My dad's birthday is December 7th.
No way? Pearl Harbor Day...That's creepy.
My mom is French.
God, it just keeps getting worse.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-03
Oh, sick! Your ass is all red!
I'm in estrus. Jesus, I'm so fucking horny right now.
Lookin' for some hot monkey love, huh?
Would you like a banana?
No thanks, I think I know where that's been.

 

by choadwarrior
6-09-03
I went to this prestigious Catholic academy run by Canadian Jesuits in Rhode Island.
We had the top hockey team in the state because the brothers would recruit for players back in Canada.
We were called "The Mounties."
What did you call the brothers, "The Mounters?"

 

by choadwarrior
6-09-03
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!
If you're happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it...If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!
Hardy-Fuckin-Har. Are you done, now?
If you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet...If you're happy and you know it, stomp your feet!

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
Christ, I need to cut back on the Mexican food.
(FLUSH)
Hey Asshole! Would it kill you to brush the shit off the bowl? I drink out of this thing, ya know.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
What are you doing?
I'm putting your sister's face and mine on some hardcore porn I downloaded.
Dude! That is so wrong!
Haaa! It totally looks like I jizzed all over her.
Please tell me you aren't going to jerk off to this later.
I'm on that like the mustache on your mom.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
I'm here to take your order for your last meal. You can have anything you want.
Great! I'd like some seafood fettuccine from Olive Garden.
No, really...you can have ANYTHING. Whatever you want...it's okay.
Then I'll also have lots and lots of bread sticks and their giant salad drenched in ranch dressing.
Work with me here...we're trying to do something nice for you before we kill you.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
I ain't got nothin' to confess.
You need to face God with a clean soul. Are you sure there isn't anything you need to tell me?
I've said all I need to say to you.
Isn't it true that you just ordered food from Olive Garden for your last meal?
Yes.
And you aren't the least bit remorseful?

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
Governor, I respectfully request that you grant my client clemency and commute her death sentence to life in prison.
Twelve citizens sitting on a jury in this state recommended that she get the death penalty. Why should I ignore their verdict?
She has accepted her role in the crime and has expressed remorse for the victims' families.
Is it true she ordered Olive Garden for her last meal?
Hmmm...I hadn't considered the insanity defense. Will you buy that?
Look, I really can't see any benefit to letting her live.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
DEAD WOMAN WALKING!
Is it true that I'll lose complete control of my bodily functions?
Yes.
Is that from the chemicals in the lethal injection?
No, from the Olive Garden food in your stomach.
Maybe we should walk a little faster.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
Any last words before we put you in the gas chamber?
GAS CHAMBER? I thought you were going to execute me by lethal injection.
Yeah, that was before we knew you were going to order Olive Garden for your last meal.
We figured we could save some money on chemicals if we sealed you in the old gas chamber and let you fart yourself to death.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
Well, nobody came to PhreakyChinchilla's funeral...I guess I should say a few words anyway.
Here is a woman who died as she lived...
Stinking of garlic, and bad alfredo trickling down her jumpsuit leg.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-03
Your eternal punishment will be that you eat nothing but food from Olive Garden. Muah-ha-ha!
Is that supposed to be some kind of ironic punishment? Like I will have to eat my most favourite food until I burst?
Or the service will be really slow and I'll go hungry?
No...you will eat nothing but food from Olive Garden. Muah-ha-ha!

 

by choadwarrior
6-14-03
Damn, I haven't eaten anything all day and I just had one of those nasty belches you get when you're hungry.
What do you mean?
You know, those burps where you can taste the bile in your stomach because there isn't any food down there to absorb it.
Hmmm...that's never happened to me.
Probably because your stomach has never been empty.

 

by choadwarrior
6-14-03
I heard the other day that the L.A. City Council is trying to pass an ordinance against lap dances at strip clubs and the women can't get within six feet of the guys.
Have you ever noticed that even though they are perfectly legal, there is no such thing as a gay strip club?
Yeah. So?
I'm just saying if they wanted to give men a reason to stop going to nude and topless bars...
...it would be much easier, and everyone would be much happier if L.A. passed a law requiring women to be as slutty as gay men.

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-03
Hey, can you cover my shift tonight?
Sorry, I have to get home to my kids and celebrate Father's Day.
But you're a lesbian. How do you decide which one of you gets Mother's Day and which one of you gets Father's Day?
Well, I don't know about other lesbian couples, but in our case it was easy...
I don't mean to brag, but I have an enormous clit.

 

by choadwarrior
6-17-03
I'll see you up in the office, I'm going to take the elevator..
Maybe she wouldn't be such a big, fat, ham-filled beanbag if she took the stairs like I do.
I don't know why, but the stairs hurt my knees.
Um, no, the stairs don't hurt your knees, your torso does with every step you take.
It must be because I played sports when I was in high school.
That's right--it couldnt possibly be the thirty years of eating fast food every day at lunch and fried food and ice cream for dinner every night.

 

by choadwarrior
6-18-03
I feel like eating something light for lunch.
I'm in the mood for something vegetarian. You choose where, and I'll go pick it up.
Maybe the chicken ceasar salad and zucchini sticks at Angelos.
Yeah, that's only 1600 calories and 60 grams of fat.
Don't forget the extra side of ranch!
You really know how to eat light.

 

by choadwarrior
6-18-03
What do you call that music you listen to in your office?
I don't know...house, trance, techno, dance...it's all electronic music to me.
I don't like the music where they scratch the record.
That sound is so annoying.
Hmmm...it sorta reminds me of the sound your thighs make when you wear corduroy.

 

by choadwarrior
6-19-03
This is so cool. I'm on TV...even if it is the Spanish language news.
Buenas noches todos, aquí está las noticias...
Oh my god...look at me!
Oficiales quieren instalar cámaras para parar el vandalismo...
Am I really that fat?
El hombre gordo del distrito de escuela dijo...

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-03
God did not make gay people. It is a choice. A sinful choice.
That seems a little ridiculous.
Why do you say that?
Do you really think a guy who is totally straight could suddenly choose to have messy gay sex for the rest of his life?
Why not? I did.

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-03
I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go--walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder.
Don't run away...it's only me.
It's a dead man's party?
Who could ask for more?

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-03
I'm caught in a trap.
I can't walk out.
Why?
Because I love you too much, baby!

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-03
Anything happen while I was out of the office?
I have a message from your secretary.
What's that?
She had to go home sick.
I thought I heard the sound of her not on a personal call when I came in.

 

by choadwarrior
6-21-03
Why do you always carry that cat around?
It's the closest I've ever been to a warm pussy.
Your pussy sure does stink.
I feed her lots of tuna.
You really ought to give her a bath.
Ooooh...a hot, wet, stinky pussy... thanks for the idea, grandma.

 

by choadwarrior
6-21-03
So creepy...this really happened.
My 7th grader is so small, his 9 year-old brother is already bigger.
My three boys are all a year apart. The middle one is the biggest, by far.
My husband and I used to call him Donkey Kong.
Um, if you two are going to stand around and talk about your sons' penises, can you please do it away from my office?

 

by choadwarrior
6-21-03
We don't need no education...
We don't need no thought control...
You realize, of course, by using the double negative, what you are really saying is that we need education and thought control.

 

by choadwarrior
6-21-03
Hello, young man. It's my husband's 90th birthday and I would like to get a new piercing to celebrate.
Um, yeah...we do piercings here, but not ears, if you know what I mean.
I know, honey, I want to give him a big surprise.
Ugh...okay...follow me...
What's taking you so long?
I'm trying to find the right spot. Jesus, I've seen oragimi with fewer folds.

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-03
Are you going to the boss's daughter's high school graduation party?
Yeah, what did you give her?
Oh, I got her a laundry bag and an iron for when she moves into the dorms.
That will definitely start her on the road to adulthood.
Yes, I thought she'd appreciate it.
No, I mean it will prepare her for a lifetime of pretending she likes lame gifts.

 

by choadwarrior
6-25-03
Father, I have been doing your work for half my life, but I feel as if I'm going nowhere.
Spreading my word should be its own reward.
Yeah, that may have worked 2000 years ago, but saving souls doesn't exactly put an SUV in the garage these days.
So what are you saying?
Who do I have to fuck around here to be Pope?

 

by choadwarrior
6-25-03
So this is the San Diego River?
Yeah, impressive, isn't it?
Does it ever flow more than this trickle?
Only when somebody flushes.

 

by choadwarrior
6-25-03
Hey, you wanna go camping with us during the third week in July?
Let me check my calendar...
Sorry, but I'm busy that week.
What's going on?
Nothing yet, but I'm sure something will come up.

 

by choadwarrior
6-25-03
According to my records, you weren't supposed to be cast into Hell, what happened?
I don't know. I was up in Heaven, talking to Jesus, and he was about to let me in...
Okay...everything is in order, but before I let you in, can you tell me why you didn't donate 10% of your income to the church?
I would have given that much, but I totally Jewed the priest down to 8%.
Did it ever occur to you that Jesus was Jewish?
Well, that explains why there's no mention in the Bible of him leaving a tip at the Last Supper.

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-03
Okay...one at a time...tell me what he did to you...
He spanked me.
He choked me.
He drained me.
Sir, you have a lot of explaining to do.
Oh, like you never got drunk and masturbated at the zoo.

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-03
I think you're the oldest woman to ever come in for a full gynelogical exam.
My husband and I are swingers, so I like to make sure everything is working before I have sex with mulitiple partners.
Okay...spread your legs for me...
Is this wide enough?
Hey! I can hear the ocean!

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-03
Grandma, I just want to say that I think it's great that you are still sexually active at your age.
Thanks, dear.
So how many men do you think you've been with in your life?
Well, I don't mean to brag but...
I think I've swallowed more seamen than the Bermuda Triangle.

 

by choadwarrior
6-27-03
Christ, I hate the boss. He's the biggest idiot. I didn't think it was possible to be a bigger ass than the last guy, but he's the worst we've ever had.
You know, we haven't worked together long, but I've noticed that you don't get along with most of the people here.
That's because that bitch HR director hates me cuz I tell it like it is and I won't suck up to her like you do. This place is going to hell, I tell ya.
You know what all these people you have a problem with here at work have in common?
No, what?
You.

 

by choadwarrior
6-27-03
You sure this is the right place?
OPEN UP! SEARCH WARRANT!
Sorry, my partner got the wrong address.
So you'll be leaving?
No, we can still arrest you deviated preverts for what you wuz doin' in here.
Ooooh, prison is going to be like Club Hedonism!

 

by choadwarrior
6-28-03
In a landmark 6-3 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Texas anti-sodomy law which applied only to homosexuals as unconstitutional.
Did you hear??? WE WON!!!
Game on!
Grmph mmrp nrrph
It's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

 

by choadwarrior
6-29-03
Hey! Wait up!
Oh christ! It's my cousin's step son.
I haven't seen you in like ten years. How's it going, man?
Jesus, I have no idea what to say to this guy.
So?
So...are you still some kind of retard?

 

by choadwarrior
6-29-03
You've grown so much since the last time I saw you!
Not only was I 27, but I've lost 60 pounds since then, so I am, in fact, smaller.
Are you sure it wasn't longer ago?
Well...how long has it been since you had a full set of teeth?
It ain't my fault meth makes your teeth fall out.
Oh, I thought you did it because it was just good for business.

 

by choadwarrior
6-29-03
This place sucks, I'm leaving to go join the army.
They'll never take you, you're too young!
You were right, so I joined the KISS army instead.
What do you fight with? Weapons of Fan Exploitation?
You laugh now, but you'll be sorry at the end of my farewell tour when you never get to see me again.
Oh, I'm sure we'll see you on the next farewll tour. Oh, and we'll be sure to use a KISS phone card when a KISS bobble-head figurine reminds us to call you.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-03
I've got ten major projects going on right now and I need you to do something for me.
I'm sorry, I just went on my break. What do you need me to do when I'm done?
Anything.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-03
Holy crap! That's the biggest wine rack I've ever seen for one person!
I like to have enough of a variety on hand to cover any occasion.
Do you really drink that much wine?
No, but I used to.
Why did you cut back?
I stopped dating an alcoholic manic-depressive.

 

by choadwarrior
7-01-03
Here to buy some sacramental wine, father?
No, this time it's for personal consumption, but I don't know what kind to get.
I can help you pair wine with anything you can think of...what are you serving it with?
A smooth young altar boy.
Ah...you'll want a fruity wine...aisle two.

 

by choadwarrior
7-01-03
I've never noticed this restaurant here before, how long has it been open?
Just two month's time...My brother recently brought me and my entire family over here from India.
That's cool, so you like it here?
Oh, yes, very much so. In India, we were so poor I could barely feed my family.
So now you run an all-you-can-eat buffet for fat Americans?
I hope you find the food as delicious as the irony.

Showing page 4.

« Previous Next »