All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
11-29-04
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
Mars needs women.
I'm just a sweet transvestite.
Look, if we built this large wooden badger ...
Badgers? We don't need no stinking badgers!

 

by kaufman
12-01-04
You know what would be great? If two people bored with their lives could just switch places with each other.
That would be neat. I need to settle down from my existence. What do you do?
Nothin' too much. Just getting drunk day and night and running comic contests. And you?
Hanging out where the people are. In parks, at concerts, big cities ...
Let's you and me do the swap. My name's Kajun.
I'm Waldo.

 

by kaufman
12-02-04
There are two pieces of candy left. I get them both.
Uh uh. Why can't we share, and each have one?
Because I'm the reincarnation of Richard Nixon.
Oh yeah? Prove it.
I am not a crook.
Whoa.

 

1
by kaufman
12-02-04
What's the matter, officer?
You were doing 63 in a 25 mph zone. I'm going to have to write you a ticket.
You can't do that to me. I'm the reincarnation of George Washington.
Right. Like I'm going to believe thait.
Look over there. See that chopped down tree?
Well, ok, kid. I'll let you off with a warning this time.

 

9
by kaufman
12-02-04
Herbert, look how much snow we got. Put down your beer and shovel the driveway.
Do it yourself, Irma. I'm the reincarnation of William Henry Harrison.
Right. Like that makes any difference.

 

by kaufman
12-02-04
Hey babe, did you know I'm the reincarnation of Ronald Reagan?
Really, how did you find that out?
I, uh, I don't remember.
Wow!

 

by kaufman
12-02-04
... and then he let out the most righteous belch ...
Do you mind talking on your cell phone a bit quieter? The whole block can hear you!
I don't have to. I'll have you know that I am the reincarnation of Bill Clinton.
Oh, really. And how do you expect to make me believe that?
glorp, glorp.

 

by kaufman
12-02-04
Down in front! I can't see the stage.
I don't have to. After all, I am the reincarnation of Abraham Linc...
oops.

 

by kaufman
12-03-04
I am the reincarnation of Grover Cleveland.
No way! I'm the reincarnation of Grover Cleveland!
Oh yeah? Let's fight it out. To the death!
You're on!
Don't worry, kids. Whichever of them loses is going to come back as the other one anyway.

 

6
by kaufman
12-03-04
This man was shot by a .38 revolver at close range by a tall, left-handed woman.
He was rather drunk at the time, and did not resist.
Wow! Do you have an advanced forensic degree or something?
No, but I am the reincarnation of John Quincy Adams.

 

by kaufman
12-03-04
There goes the reincarnation of Millard Fillmore.

 

by kaufman
12-03-04
In which boorite demonstrates how NOT to pick up women.
James Polk's term expired, but Zachary Taylor refused to be sworn in on a Sunday.
So by law the President pro tem of the Senate was President until Taylor was sworn in. He had his hand on the button. Well, actually, he napped all day.
I was that guy.

 

by kaufman
12-03-04
Hello, tech support? Let me tell you what Microsoft can do for me today. First of all, I need a ...
WHAT? No, I'm not going to ask you that. I called YOU for assistance, not the other way around! Let me talk to your supervisor.
Just my bloody luck. I call up Microsoft tech support, and I get the reincarnation of John F. Kennedy!

 

by kaufman
12-06-04
Here's Rex, a mongrel from the United States. He's with Hurricane Holly, a notoriously tough draw.
Look at him go! He's got a good run going! He could take the Gold ...
Oh, too bad. Holly threw him off before the eight second limit, and he's out of the competition. Next up in the Olympic leg-humping finals: Phydeaux, from France, who will be riding Battlin' Boorite.

 

by kaufman
12-07-04
Yo, Tinkerbell, this is Disneyworld, the happiest place in the world, where no unhppiness can survive, where even I am supressing a grin, right?
Absolutely, Mr. Zebub. Mickey and I have done the magic. Everything and everyone here is so HAPPY!
Hey, look over there. Who's that with Snow White? It's Grumpy the Dwarf! And I dare say, he doesn't look a bit happy.
Oh no, that can't be allowed. It's like matter and antimatter -- a catastrophe. Some abomination is going to rise up from this desecration, I just know it.
And so it came to pass...
o/` It's a small world after all...
It's a small world after all.

 

by kaufman
12-07-04
Hello, I'm Yul Brynner.
I used to be a heavy smoker.
And now I'm dead.
That's why I come to you with an important message.
A-CHOOOOOO!
People, please don't leave flowers on graves. A lot of us corpses are allergic to them.

 

by kaufman
12-07-04
Won't you please give, so dyslexia can be cured in our lifetimes?

 

by kaufman
12-08-04
Hello, I'm Jack Valenti, former head of the Motion Picture Association of America.
Piracy and copyright infringement are serious problems facing us today. Please take that into consideration when making comics here.
Use your own material, and otherwise give credit where it is due. Ain't that right, cowboy?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-08-04
Won't you please give, so dyslexia can be cured in our lifetimes?

 

by kaufman
12-09-04
'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all 'cross the pond, Not a creature was stirring,
'Ello, guv'nah!
Because the last one to have done so had been brutally dispatched by Mr. Bond.
I said I wanted my drink shaken!

 

by kaufman
12-09-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.
Let us all sing together in memory of Bob: One and two and o/` Bob-Bob-Bob Bob-Bob is dead. Bob-Bob-Bob Bob-Bob is dead.
Bob is dead. Put him to bed. Bob is dead. He isn't rockin' and a rollin', Stick him in a hole and Bob is dead (Bob-Bob Bob-Bob is dead).

 

by kaufman
12-14-04
Kaufman, I see no one but girls in this classroom. What happened to all the boys in your class?
Actually, it's very common for boys that age to be matriculating and to suffer from premature graduation.

 

by kaufman
12-14-04
... so while condoms and pills are effective when used right, the surest way of preventing an unwanted pregnancy is still abstinence.
What about vasectomies?
Good question. Vasectomies also work well when done right, but ordinary stitches can't be used to close the incision; instead curved stitches with wide heads must be used to prevent leakage.
The same applies to other sterilization surgeries. Straight stitches are no good on reproductive organs; during sexual operations, the comma sutures should always be used.

 

by kaufman
12-14-04
Mr. President, did Santa Claus give you anything good this year?
You betcha, Dick. I got Iraq.

 

by kaufman
12-16-04
Once upon a time, there was this shoemaker who lived in a small hut. One day a volcano erupted and sent a stream of hot lava roaring through the hut.
The lava was so hot, it would have melted the skin off the shoemaker's body, which would then have coagulated into piles of unidentifiable goo ...
except the shoemaker was on vacation in Germany at the time. There he got bitten by a plague-infested rat, and so his skin broke out in all sorts of multihued boils.
The boils were very itchy, and when the shoemaker scratched them, they would burst open and send streams of pus shooting forth.
The shoemaker soon died, and his body was placed on a transatlantic steamship. He was eventually buried in a landfill near Hoboken, New Jersey.
(This story pleases my sister so much, she always starts slamming her tongue in the door when I read it.)

 

by kaufman
12-16-04
When I go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, people give me these really funny looks.

 

by kaufman
12-16-04
Check it out. I got one of those new $5 bills with Condoleezza Rice's picture on it.
You did? You've got to let me have it. Here, I'll give you $10 for it.
Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap Fap
Your total comes to $4.68 ... out of $5, and ... HEY, WHY'S THIS BILL ALL STICKY!
Uh, do you have a public restroom here? I need to relieve myself.

 

by kaufman
12-16-04

 

by kaufman
12-16-04
Hurry up! Bring me those body parts.
I'm still missing a couple parts, but what I have should work.
We can finally build the perfect woman, and fuck something above the ovine order. Those missing parts better be insignificant, or I'll have your head.
Don't worry, Master. It should be easy to figure out. Let's go down the checklist together, and call out anything we find missing.
Ass.
Cunt.

 

by kaufman
12-17-04
Hi, my name is Kato.
Oh no! Your parents were infatuated with the OJ Simpson thing, and they named you after that loser. You and I are going to be shredded next year in sixth grade.
Why? Did your parents name you Whitebronco or something?
Worse. My name is Whatizit.
They named you after that blue sperm? We'd better band together and protect each other next year.
And in a few years we'll also have to take care of my kid sister. Macarena's doing ok in second grade, but when she hits middle school ...

 

by kaufman
12-20-04
... with one exception.
Let's play Operation!
Okay, Prancer, remove Butterflies in Stomach.
OWWWWWW!
damn.

 

by kaufman
12-20-04
WAIT! Don't kill yourself! I'm an angel, and I will show you how much your life means to others.
Ring, ring!
Hang on, I'm expecting an important call from my sister. That might be her.
No, it was just another telemar ... HEY! WHERE ARE YOU FLYING OFF TO? Aw, fuck it. Goodbye, cruel world.

 

by kaufman
12-20-04
Fine, you can have your stupid leg-shaped lamp. Because I got me a new lamp too. Check it out!
click

 

by kaufman
12-21-04
O' Romeo, Romeo, wherethree art thou, O' Romeo?
Sheesh, that chick has one heck of an inferiority complex. Who needs that baggage? I'm outta here!

 

by kaufman
12-21-04
If it isn't the Human Chameleon! How ya doin', old chum?
Not bad at all, long time no see!
Look at our wives over there. I see they're already getting along famously.
Yeah. Interesting how everyone here is married these days. Except Superman, of course.
Why of course? What's with him?
Think about it. Every time he meets a girl he finds attractive, he "undresses" her with his x-ray vision. Three months later, she has terminal cancer.

 

by kaufman
12-23-04
Okay, where are you?
She liked my ad, said I was obviously very funny, said she wanted to meet me on the beach at noon. So where is she?
This happens every time. Just call me the stand-up comic.

 

by kaufman
12-23-04
It's because I'm black, isn't it!

 

by kaufman
12-23-04
It's not hard. If you see a pretty girl in a bar, just buy her a drink.
Okay, I'll give it a try.
I'd like to buy a drink for the lady at the end over there.
I'll go and tell her.
So, tell me, what happened?
She ordered a Rum and Clorox.

 

by kaufman
12-23-04
Oh, by the way, I happen to be the reincarnation of George W. Bush.
What a coincidence! I'm the reincarnation of George Herbert Walker Bush.
Dad?
Son!
Listen, I'm sorry about bringing the broccoli dip to this party.
Likewise, I'll just toss out this bag of pretzels.

 

by kaufman
12-24-04
One day at the ranch...
So I said, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, Ha.

 

by kaufman
12-26-04
... And how's your family?
Doing well. My son's fine, and so's my daughter, though she's dyed her hair pretty crazy.
It's really light on top, and really dark on the bottom.
Ah, sort of like a chromatic mullet.

 

by kaufman
12-26-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
Four out of five dentists recommend using a softer floss on your teeth. Why don't you try an invertebrate?
Floss with an invertebrate? BRILLIANT! Where can we find some earthworms?
Haven't you seen the commercials? An Earthworm Emporium just opened up at 17th and Main.

 

by kaufman
12-26-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
Remember? You forced your lips upon mine when you captured me.
So ... What's that have to do with ... Oh shit, I never kiss and patell'.

 

by kaufman
12-28-04
Caddy, hand me my GPS.
196.8214 yards from the pin, 2441.14 mm below the flagstick. Punch up the local weather on my PDA, and let me have a look.
Winds from the north-northwest at seven knots. Ok, give me a pi-iron.

 

by kaufman
12-28-04
Will you get going, already? You've been standing here for over five minutes!
Maybe if we assume a spherical ball...

 

by kaufman
12-28-04
Yes! I sunk it! I got a birdie!
Why do you have such an obsession with putting a small ball into a hole?
You do realize the sexual connotations of this action. Do you feel any insecurity or inadequacy in that regard?
Tell me about your relationship with your mother.

 

by kaufman
12-28-04
Hey sweetie, do me a favor and sweep off the tenth green, will you?

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
You know, New Yorkers have to be the hardest people in the world to faze. They're completely unflappable.
I know a guy who was asked what happened to his favorite Thai beach, and he just said, "Phuket about it." Thank you, you've been great. Don't forget to tip your waitresses.
The crowd really ate up your act. Mind if I take a minute of your time?

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
Honey, I've got a surprise for you. Turn on Channel 9.
Good evening, and welcome to the Kato Kaelin Variety Hour. Tonight, Fabio does A Flock of Seagulls, Paris Hilton reads Chaucer, ...
Danny Bonaduce sobers up, Smarty Jones dances the waltz, and we'll have the nonstop laughs of Dan Wallace.
OH MY GOD!

 

by kaufman
12-29-04
In the Green Room (of course)
You knocked them dead, Dan. Next week we're putting you on before the animal act.
Helen Nathan, LA Times. Do you have any comment on Dan Wallace's relations with a goat, or his years with the Libertarian Party?
We feel those are his private matters that he's working out, and that we have full confidence in his performance as a regular on this show.
How about the fact that he didn't pay his nanny's social security?
Or that he rebroadcast or reproduced the pictures, descriptions, and accounts of the Royals-Devil Rays game on May 19 without the express written consent of Major League Baseball?

Showing page 41.

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