All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
11-03-05
We've replaced their rotor turbines with new Folgers' Crystals. Let's see if they notice.
What the fuck?

 

Ladies and gentlemen: The Sex Pistols!
o/` Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
by kaufman, 11-03-05

 

by kaufman
11-03-05
Time for bed.
zzzzzzzzzzz
ALL RIGHT, WHO NAIRED ME?

 

Hi, Charlie. My name is Rosebud. I'll be your sled for the day.
by kaufman, 11-04-05

 

Just for variety, this time I'm going to inspect every cubic millimeter of YOUR rectum.
That's it. I'm going home.
by kaufman, 11-06-05

 

by kaufman
11-07-05
Good evening. You may wonder what a fine, upstanding citizen like myself is doing in an infernal place like this.
But as you know, the road here is paved with good intentions. My story, which I am about to tell, will, no doubt explain all.
Oh, right. And St. Peter also was quite annoyed with my constant playing with my yo-yo. Touchy, touchy, if you ask me.

 

by kaufman
11-08-05
Lent is just about upon us. What will you be giving up, my son?
Talking, eating, drinking, gambling, sex, and bocce.
There. That wasn't too bad, was it?
Thank God this pulsar rotates so fast, 40 days pass in eight seconds. Happy belated Easter, by the way.

 

by kaufman
11-09-05
Wait a minute, I recognize you. You're Ferdinand Magellan, the great explorer, aren't you?
Um, yes, I am.
Oh, man, I love your work. The way you got around Cape Horn was simply amazing! God, where are my manners? Could I buy you a drink?
Gracias, senor. I'd prefer a glass of rye whiskey, on the rocks, but make sure the liquor's colorless, like agua.
You got it. Bartender, a clear rye for the strait guy!

 

by kaufman
11-09-05
How's your new job at the toy factory going?
Great. Being a playtester really has its perks.
I fell off the wagon today, and got six weeks of workman's comp.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
Yo, Reaper, can I buy your scythe?
NO. YOU ONLY WANT TO LICK THE BLOOD OFF IT. YOU MAY DO THAT FOR FREE, BUT YOU MAY NOT BUY THE SCYTHE!
What difference does it make? How come?
BECAUSE IF YOU BOUGHT IT, THE BLOOD WOULD MAKE YOU VERY ILL. IT WOULD THEN BE INFECTED WITH SICKLE-SELL ANEMIA.
Aw. Gee, thanks, Mr. Death.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
Bobby, what will Mom say when she sees you wearing that?
HONEY!
Call Judge Hanratty. We should have a search warrant within the hour.
For crying out loud, did you hear what I said to you Tuesday?
I just shat in Mr. Trump's coffee.
For the third time, will you call and get somebody out here to fix the picture on the plasma tv? I can't see a thing.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
tap-tap-tap-tap-tap
To be or not to blphfjgned.
tap-tap-tap-tap-tap
To be or not to be, that is the quekookokk!
tap-tap-tap-tap-tap
Sucky sucky, fi dollah.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
At this point, I could probably make a half-assed joke ...

 

O' say can you see?
No, I can't. The eyeholes in this mask are in the wrong place.
by kaufman, 11-10-05

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
Then the little bunny rabbit pulled out a bomb and pushed a button, and it began counting down: It went 10-9-8-7-6-5-3-2-1, and *BOOM!* It blew everyone up. THE END.
Quite a surprise ending, wasn't it, sweetie?
Not at all, daddy. I saw it coming a mile away. It was a fourgone conclusion.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
Papa Bear swatted at Goldilocks with a spoon, and Mama Bear slashed at her with a knife, but while Baby Bear searched for a utensil, Goldilocks ran out of the house, and lived happily ever after.
Quite a surprise ending, wasn't it, sweetie?
Not at all, daddy. I saw it coming a mile away. It was a forkgone conclusion.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
The Coyote chased the roadrunner up the stairs, and had him cornered in the attic, when suddenly he noticed there was nothing below him, and he fell to the ground far below.
His anvil then landed on his head. THE END.
Quite a surprise ending, wasn't it, sweetie?
Not at all, daddy. I saw it coming a mile away. It was a floorgone conclusion.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
As he ran, Jimmy noticed something strange. He was not sweating at all, even though he was feeling hotter and hotter.
Eventually, it overcame him. He fell to the pavement, hotter than a sauna, and dead as a doornail. THE END.
Quite a surprise ending, wasn't it, sweetie?
Not at all, daddy. I saw it coming a mile away. It was a poregone conclusion.

 

by kaufman
11-10-05
On the first anniversary of Heathcliff's death, Emma went alone to the gravesite and wept.
Suddenly, the ground trembled beneath her feet, and the dirt exploded out of her beloved's final resting place. Out popped Chubby Checker, his hips gyrating like mad. THE END.
Quite a surprise ending, wasn't it, sweetie?
You're telling me! I couldn't have imagined such a plot twist!

 

by kaufman
11-17-05
Here I am in Cabela's, world-renowned supplier of hunting, fishing and outdoor equipment, not to mention tacky fish pillows. Excuse me, sir, can you tell me where the titanium sporks are?
Just my luck. He must be a foon man.

 

by kaufman
11-17-05
...................................... 1: Denial
Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
What the fuck are you talking about?
........ 2: Anger ........... 3: Bargaining
You bastard, it's your fault!
You think we can get a few muons out of them?
.... 4: Depression ...... 5: Acceptance
Sigh, I knew they'd let us down.
That's ok. Care for a blowjob?

 

by kaufman
11-22-05
Here I am at the Swetsville Zoo, an odd little place full of metal animals, monsters, vehicles and robots, made from ordinary machine parts. Look at this guy!
A sign on the office warned us to get off the premises by dusk, but that's ridiculous. What could possibly happen? Let's find out.
See, just like I said. What a hoax!
Shhhhh ... Be verrry quiet. I see new corn for the holing.

 

by kaufman
11-22-05
Hmmmmm ... he sure is taking a long time to make his move.
His clock's going to run out. I'm going to win by default!
Maybe I shouldn't have eaten him.

 

by kaufman
11-24-05
John, have you any idea what time it is?
Indeed, Miles, it is twenty minutes past noon.
The Lions game should be starting in a few minutes. We really ought to go inside and watch.
We can't. Television won't be invented for another three centuries.
So we can't see Detroit play? Thank God.
Thank God.

 

by kaufman
11-25-05
Nothing like spending Thanksgiving evening inside a casino, eh? We're having fun playing the slots at Fortune Valley in scenic Central City.
Of course, you shouldn't forget to gamble responsibly. Some folks look like they've been in here a bit too long. You've got to be careful or you'll lose your shirt ...
Or worse.

 

by kaufman
11-28-05
Here's the plan, Newkirk. You hit Klink with a chair, and the rest of our tag team will dig a tunnel out of this steel cage and win the match.
Righty-o, Hulk!
Oh no, not again!
Did you see that, Referee Schultz? He hit me with eine chair.
I see nussing! I know nussing!

 

by kaufman
11-29-05
A couple decades from now...
Nurse, what's on my schedule today?
Let's see. At 11:00, you have a Caesarian, but first, bltsandwich17, is coming in for a check-up. It'll be her first mammogram
I'm so glad. Every 40-year-old woman ought to have her breasts inspected regularly. All right, I'd better go in and take a look at her.
Aren't you forgetting something, Doctor?
What's that?
Your straitjacket. Court order, remember?

 

by kaufman
11-29-05
Have you ever read the bible?
Nope.
I read it last week. It was totally boring, but the ending kicked ass.
God says, "Thgil eb ereht tel," and all suddenly goes black!
You idiot! You'd think with a name like Finkelman, you'd know you're supposed to read it right to left.

 

by kaufman
12-01-05
Ok, let's see how this store is laid out. Aisle 1: Produce, Aisle 2: Juices, Aisle 3: Health and Beauty Aids ...
Oh, stay away from that aisle, man. You don't want to go there!
How come? I'd like to buy some health, and lord knows, a little beauty wouldn't hurt me ...
Yeah, but that AIDS shit is incurable. We don't want to get near it.
Relax, I've got a couple condoms in my pocket. Let's slip them on.
Cool.

 

by kaufman
12-01-05
That was Does this Algae Make Me Look Fat? here on WALE, all whale songs, all the time. Next up, an oldie but goodie, Never Mind Willy, How 'bout Freeing Lester?
You're listening to KDIK, Total Nixon Rado. Now, here's a request going out to Sherry in Louisville, it's his 1972 budget presentation to Congress ...
I love that one, Thelma O'Leary upon learning that her dog Fluffy was run over by the neighbor's lawn mower. We'll be back to jerk some more tears after these messages on All-Bawl Radio.

 

by kaufman
12-01-05
Hey, Will, what's up with the lepine get-up?
Oh, I'm still struggling with writer's block. It's been a month, and I still don't know how to give this play a good, tragic ending. Maybe the bunny suit will help.
How about if Juliet, to get out of marrying, fakes her own death by taking a sleeping potion, but Romeo sees her and thinks she's dead, so he kills himself...
...and then Juliet, waking up and seeing his dead body, really does kill herself?
Too convoluted. Fuck it, I'll just give them AIDS.

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
Caesar, you're good at crossword puzzles. Think you can help me out?
Sure, Brutus. What have you got?
A four-letter word meaning "Aleutian island."
"Attu," Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
Caesar, I've got a great knock-knock joke for you. Knock, knock!
Oh, Brutus. Must we again? *sigh* Ok, Who's there?
Ed.
Ed who, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
Let's play battleship, Caesar. You can start.
Ok. C-5
Miss. J-4.
Miss. A-2, Brute?
Hit.

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
I feel awful, Caesar. I'm sure my wife's cheating on me.
What makes you say that, Brutus?
I went to the doctor's today, and tested positive for syphillis, herpes, gonorrhea, and HIV.
AIDS, too, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
I'm feeling thirsty, Caesar. Got something to drink?
Sure, Brutus. All sorts of sodas. What kind would you like?
I'm feeling sleepy. How about something with lots of caffeine?
A Dew, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
Guess what, Caesar. I've decided to open a restaurant.
No kidding, Brutus! What kind of food will it serve?
I'm thinking Cajun. You know, catfish, jambalaya, ...
Etouffe, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
Hail Caesar, O' wise one! Are you by any chance familiar with American currency?
In spite of the temporal paradox, I must admit I am, somewhat. What can I help you with?
Oh, I was just wondering which bill had Jefferson's likeness on it?
A two, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
I can't put this book down. Caesar. It's a fascinating alternate history in which the Communists were ravenous cannibals.
Would that have changed history much?
Are you kidding? Do you know what happened when those guys caught up with the South Vietnamese president? Do you have any idea what they did?
Ate Thieu, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-02-05
I'm sorry I have to do this Caesar, but the author of this series is insisting I kill you off in every strip. Here, have these flowers, I can't help myself.
That may explain why I've felt so run down lately.
And here we are again in panel two. Do you have any last words before I off you?
Adieu, Brute?

 

by kaufman
12-04-05
So you say you've been suffering from vivid hallucinations.
Exactly, every now and then I just ...
Get a load of my buttcrack, fishface!
You just had another one, didn't you?
You can tell, huh?

 

by kaufman
12-04-05
It all started the other day at the office ...
I think it will definitely improve production, don't you?
Putting toner in the coffee maker and coffee in the printer?
o/` Fa la la la la la la la la.
This is boring. Let's head to the ocean and insuilt some fish.
Did you see that?
See what?

 

by kaufman
12-04-05
Every few days since then, I had another hallucination.
Ready? Let's dive in and get them. Raise your robes and drop your shorts!!
They've continued since then, always
Yo, Jaw-boy, get a load!
exposing their buttocks to whatever might swim by.
I fart in your general direction, bluefish!

 

by kaufman
12-04-05
I think I know what you have, but I'll have to take a blood sample to be sure.
WOOOOOO!
It's just as I feared. The tests are conclusive. You're suffering from A Choir Who Moon The Fish In Sea Syndrome.
Thank goodness. I was afraid I had AOL.

 

by kaufman
12-06-05
Eat hot gamma rays, earthling!
Aiiieeeee!
We are gathered here to mourn the death of a fellow crewman who boldly made first contact where no man had done before, Ensign, uh...
Robinson, sir.
Ensign Robinson, your presence on the ship is most illogical. You died in panel 1 , and we buried you in panel 2.
Don't blame me, sir, it's not my fault. That fool who reassembled this comic got it all wrong!

 

by kaufman
12-09-05
Well, Jack, we been alone on this mountain tendin' sheep all summer, an' we been gettin' kinda close to one another.
So I'm gonna let my inhibitions down an' do something with you I wouldn't normally ask another man to do ...
Let's talk physics.

 

Check it out! This Kitchen-Aid apparently can also be used to mix food!
by kaufman, 12-12-05

 

Ain't my fault, Santa. I distinctly remember you asking me to slay your guide tonight.
by kaufman, 12-12-05

 

It is easy to overspend at this time of year, but you can save some money by buying the parts separately, and then assembling the mistletoe yourself.
by kaufman, 12-12-05

 

Don't even think of it, pooch. If you so much as start to lift that leg, I'm calling the copse!
by kaufman, 12-13-05

Showing page 49.

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