All comics by FactoryRejects

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by FactoryRejects
10-25-09
9:00 AM
What in the hell do you want at this hour?
Trick or Treat! Neighborhood trick or treat hours are now in the morning to keep kids like me safe!
9:01 AM
Wow. Here, give me your bag and I'll fill it with candy.
Okay!
9:07 AM
MOM!

 

by FactoryRejects
10-26-09
Long-Distance Guilt Provider
For only pennies a day...
Reality Show Host
...leaving four dead, and eight in critical condition.
Geneticist
You sure do have a purdy mouth, Bessie.

 

by FactoryRejects
10-29-09
...Yes hi, I have a question about your gravy mix. Is it vegetarian?
Why are you worried about what's in gravy? It's like a fat sauce. A sauce made of fat.
That's fine, I just don't want it to be made out of animal fat.
Even if it's not, your body is going to make it into animal fat.
Yes, but I'm not going to eat my own fat.
Maybe you should.

 

by FactoryRejects
10-29-09
This has been a great road trip, Jeff.
I've learned a lot.
Like how if you buckle up an annoying corpse, it looks just like a passenger.

 

by FactoryRejects
10-31-09
Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? It's Halloween.
I know, jackass. I can be Santa Claus for Halloween if I want to. It's a costume.
Whatever. So are you going to dress up like the wolfman at Christmas?
No. That's retarded.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-06-09
Kill your wife

 

by FactoryRejects
11-07-09
Kill your wife. Kill your wife. Kill your wife.
Kiiiillllllllllllllllll your wife.
-and nausea. That's it. ......why are you asking about side effects anyway, Bill? It's just heartburn medication. You sure you're alright?
I'm fine.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-09-09
Only... only the blood, yes. Oh, she'll never see it coming. Only if ALL, all the blood-
Bill, I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?
...See if they still have any of those popcorn balls.
Only through the shedding of glorious crimson shall I be cleansed

 

by FactoryRejects
11-09-09
Hey Terry, whatcha playin'?
It's this new PS3 game, "Voices". You play a guy that hears voices and has to kill his wife.
Whoah... what happens if you win?
It emails a doctor via the PlayStation Networkâ„¢ and you get put on antidepressants.
...That's rad.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-11-09
Brothers and sisters, I have here the true path to salvation.
GlaxoSmithKline and FaithCo are proud to present a breakthrough in vaccination technology.
Liquid Jesus.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-14-09
Why the hell is it cheaper to get these three smaller bags of cat food instead of the one large bag?
Why the hell do I have to fill this information form out again? I fill it out every fucking time I'm in here.
Why the hell is it extra if you use your feet? I'll give you extra if you promise not to touch me at all with your dirty-ass feet.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-16-09
15 days in the shop. Can you believe it? Never checked his own coolant level.
Yeesh.
Can you imagine what kind of shitty upbringing he must have had to not even know to check his coolant?
I can imagine.
...I feel sort of bad now.
Robots can't feel, you know. Maybe you should check your coolant level.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-16-09
Ah, yes... Red 33. Low-coolant burn repairs, eh? Gotta keep an eye on that coolant. Let's see your insurance card and I'll-
Um.. I don't have insurance.
Oh, I see. Go take your place in the line over there and we'll be with you shortly.
There's... no line over there.
Well, why don't you start one?

 

by FactoryRejects
11-17-09
Excellent! The mind control drugs I placed in Earth's rancid energy sodas have brought Slayne Turven under my control.
Slayne, there's a form of guano in that jungle below us so rich, so... powerful... that I can use it to finally complete my fabled "Project X".
I want you to go down there and get that guano. I'm not touching it; it's poop.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-19-09
It's not -weird- to want to record our lovemaking!
...I'm not using the camera because I use the camera with Sharon. I want to use the mic with you because you make better sounds. Then I'm going to splice them together.
I want it to be perfect.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-21-09
jesus IMs me every now and then
me too
i got a lot of shirtless pix
g2g dads home
...Who are you chatting with on there?

 

by FactoryRejects
11-22-09
Why can't I go to church?
You just can't. Now leave.
What if I've changed my evil ways? I've changed my evil ways. I'd like to go to church now.
I'm sorry, it's just not in the bible.
You're not in the bible.
Please leave.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-26-09
...coming up next: A local community gives thanks in a very special way. Our very own Mike Mendersock is there with the story. Mike?
John, I'm here with a young girl who is showing her thanks in a way that is warming hearts all over this local community.
I towd fuh tanksgimming we get when when we fuh tanksgimming make a good eat and so showd everywun... everywun else.
Meanwhile...
What in the hell is this warzone? Andor must have dropped us in Afghanistan "by mistake"... again.
Nah, this is Detroit. You hungry? I'm pretty sure there's a Sonic behind those shelled-out buildings. Or at least there used to be.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-29-09
So I was thinking maybe some track lighting... I dug out some rad old posters to put up on the walls, too.
Oh. Posters. Shall I spill Mountain Dew and Pabst into the carpet now or do you prefer to let it happen naturally?
....Well, what the hell do you decorate a room with, smart ass?
.....
I enjoy art made of colored sand.

 

by FactoryRejects
11-29-09
What... what is this.
It's a welcoming gift. A rare herb from Earth.
Chia Obama.
...Get out of my room.

 

by FactoryRejects
12-10-09
Why did you tell them it'd be ready in five minutes? It takes at least 10 to make that.
I dunno... to get a better tip.
They're just going to get angry when it takes too long.
Yeah, but I can just smile and blame that on you.
.................................. .................I've got a better tip for you. Don't ask me to make you salads anymore. I'm going to spit in them.

 

by FactoryRejects
12-11-09
Sorry if I'm jumpy, doc... This whole root canal thing has me a little worried.
Oh please, don't worry.
It makes me really fucking nervous.

 

by FactoryRejects
12-15-09
Dad, why do people poop?
Well son... they didn't at first.
Oh?
At first I made man eliminate waste via a sort of steam that smelled just like fresh coffee.
...The entire human race turned into a butt-sniffing daisy-chain within an hour after that whiz-bang idea.

 

by FactoryRejects
12-15-09
Hi, I'm from LoveMessages, and I have a message of love for "Candi", from Rick.
It's Cindy.
"Dear Candi..."
"I'm keeping your DVDs"

 

by FactoryRejects
12-22-09
We here at FactoryRejects would like to take this opportunity to tell you all about Linux.
How do I play the latest PC games with Linux?
You don't.
It's great.

 

by FactoryRejects
12-24-09
Dec 24, 2:35 AM
-see more programs like Blue Man Group if you call now with your pledge...
Dec 24, 5:57 AM
-a madhouse! A MAAAAAD HOOOUUUSE!
Dec 24, 11:21 PM
I bawt you milk and cook-
Coffee. Santa needs coffee.

 

by FactoryRejects
1-03-10
Who left this fucking monkey at my place?
I'm not having any more new years eve parties if this pattern continues
hey man, you're out of bananas

 

by FactoryRejects
1-21-10
Zi zi warar nerp
Tatonga
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
No more sex toys from Japan

 

by FactoryRejects
1-27-10
FACT.
Vampires depress asians.

 

by FactoryRejects
2-05-10
C'mon boy......do it like we practiced!
Wit so much drama in the LBC it's kinna hard bein' snoop dee oh double gee
But I somehow, some way, keep comin up with funky-ass shit like every single day
I love this dog.

 

by FactoryRejects
2-05-10
So how do I play my Blu-ray discs in linux?
It's simple! Just follow the steps in this four-page guide, and be sure you have 50 gigabytes of free space available for decrypting data!
That doesn't sound very simple.
You know, it probably isn't.
Haven't you tried it yourself?
I need my gigs for torrents.

 

by FactoryRejects
2-06-10
This is getting old... when do I warp into space?
Oh soon, soon. Very soon.
How soon?
Just as soon as you say the passphrase.
...what's the passphrase?
"I farted in that helmet."

 

by FactoryRejects
2-26-10
CAN I BORROW A SCARF
PLEASE

 

by FactoryRejects
3-06-10
Okay, we're in.
Great. Now we gotta remove any evidence that we killed this guy.
Right.
Yes. Then we molest the corpse.
...Why?
Because that's what you do!

 

by FactoryRejects
4-02-10
Which one of you clowns knocked out my internet on april fool's day?
He did.
He did.

 

by FactoryRejects
4-27-10
Hey, let's watch Sidekicks.
I want to watch a drama.
Tromeo and Juliet?
I want to watch a movie.

 

by FactoryRejects
4-27-10
In the future, the microphone will be turned towards the crowd during performances
WHOOOOOO
A solo act consists of an entire crowd cheering to the delight of a single man
YEEEEEEAAAAAHHH
Not much has changed, really
WOOOO

 

by FactoryRejects
5-04-10
Careful with those scissors; they look sharp.
...These are plastic. They're not sharp.
I know; I was just being facetious.
.......
That means I wa-
You were just being an asshole.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-16-10
Why do people laugh at me so much?
I guess if I saw everything that happens to me happen to someone else, I would laugh.
Maybe I'm some kind of comedic relief...
Hahahaha... what a douche.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-18-10
So I don't have a soul.
No. You are an automaton. However, you do have complex runtimes that enable you to feel bad about this.
But if I don't, it really doesn't matter, does it?
Technically... no.
That's good to know!

 

by FactoryRejects
5-20-10
Andor! The waste receptacle is obstructed again! Ready the plunge beam! .....Andor? Where are you?
....Andor! Stop watching that ridiculous earth History Channel and clean my shi-
-Tonight, on ANCIENT ALIENS
Our race has advanced to the point where we rule time and matter with an iron fist. Now, let's fly out to the ass-end of the universe and wreak havoc on some balding primates.
That sounds like the next logical step to me.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-20-10
Where are you going?
I can't fix the ship. We're stuck here. So I'm going to go have sex with one of those primates.
I really don't think that's a good idea.
Well, I'm not having sex with you.
...I don't need you to tell me that, Nilnar.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-20-10
So, I think we can use what's left of the ship to send a distress signal home... If we build a couple of massive pyramid batteries to amplify the signal.
Wow. I really don't want to do that.
Neither do I.
Hm.
So I'm going to shoot at those mutant monkeys you made until they do it.
I think we should take turns.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-20-10
The rescue ship is coming in. Get your little human friends away from here or the retro-boosters will melt their faces.
Finally. I'll get rid of them.
Well. It's time for us to go. So you have to get out of here. Don't worry, I'm sure we'll come back and visit. Now go on; get going! Leave! GO AWAY! GET OUT OF HERE YOU IDIOT!!!
6000 years later...
Why does God hate me?
Because you masturbate.

 

by FactoryRejects
5-20-10
Andor, that was the most asinine thing I have ever seen.
Everyone knows the Annunaki are impotent. Human DNA was meddled with in the past the same way it is now; inbreeding and bad diet.
...It's good to see Nilnar getting work, though.
Does he look heavier to you?

 

by FactoryRejects
5-22-10
So I was coming around the corner like this...
Like this...
Hey, look here.

 

by FactoryRejects
6-03-10
Is it true Ubuntu One can help me keep track of all my files?
I have no fucking clue; I just now finished compiling Pidgin.
Lucid Lynx comes with Empathy!
Yeah well, I don't.
How d-
And having a bunch of icons stuck in that "Indicator Applet" sucks.

 

by FactoryRejects
6-11-10
Sometimes comedy doesn't have to be a grand performance; it just has to be light-hearted material you can relate to, that makes you smile.
We sure are roommates!
I have a job that I work at!
Other times, comedy can be abstract. It's not directly funny, but more of a planned absence of normality that is derailing enough to humor some people.
Fifteen bees
ostrich service
Comedy is a versatile tool that can easily repair the intolerable state of the day.
I've heard that with Ubuntu 10.04, making jokes about linux is now actually amusing.
I think you're full of shit, penguin.

 

by FactoryRejects
6-17-10
Oh, damn.
What's wrong, Dad?
I think the apocalypse is broken. I sent down the Beast of Revelations over twenty years ago and he still hasn't overthrown any governments.
Well, what has he done?
LOCAL MAN BEATS CASTLEVANIA WITH A DANCE PAD

 

by FactoryRejects
7-05-10
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... JEFF DUNHAM!!!
STRIP CANCELED DUE TO LACK OF ACTUAL COMEDY

Showing page 5.

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