All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
12-05-17
Wow, the food here is pretty good.
That's because we make everything fresh by hand from only the highest quality meats and produce...
...every recipe of Grandma's had one very special ingredient. She put it into everything she made.
Let me guess... LOVE.
No, but you're close. It's semen. She was crazy about the stuff.

 

by Moturd
12-08-17
Hon, Junior has a question that I don't know how to answer.
Momma, how's come I don't look like Daddy?
Well son... you were born before I ever met Rex. And back then momma wasn't quite as particular about who she was with.

 

by Moturd
12-10-17
In keeping with their liberal values, main stream media criticize Pence for NOT lying and NOT covering up.
I won't lie, cheat, or steal. I'm a good Christian and a straight shooter.
You heard it here first, folks. You should all burn the flag and vote Democrat to protest this flagrant honesty in a public servant.
In breaking news, CNN has learned that George Washington refused to lie after chopping down his father's cherry tree.
We now go to live coverage of his statues being pulled down.

 

by Moturd
12-12-17
The NYC Subway bomber who came into the US by chain immigration says 'Trump you failed to protect your nation' before setting off his bomb.
When you find yourself on the same side as the terrorists...
You're a Trump hater too? That's so awesome!
shouldn't common sense tell you to question your own political bias?
Allah Akbar!
How rude! And I was going to ask him to hand out leaflets for Antifa.

 

by Moturd
12-16-17
So you know that deal we have where you let me ride on you in exchange for discarded food?
Yeah...?
Well what would you do for the whole banana?
What would you WANT me to do for the whole banana?
What would you be WILLING to do for the whole banana?

 

by Moturd
12-17-17
Do you remember when we talked about spicing up our sex life and we agreed to try swinging with another couple?
Yeah?
Well I put an ad in The Village Voice and we got a call. Meet Bacon and Barb. They drove all the way here from Bushwick.
Hey Bro! I like to go in dry on the first pass if you're feeling up to it.

 

by Moturd
12-20-17
One town in Pennsylvania rings in the new year by dropping a 400 Lb. marshmallow peep
Bish, please! I dropped a 400 pound peep after my morning coffee and cigarette.
Unemployment claims are down again this month bringing the U.S. joblessness rate to a 20 year low.
You know what, just fuck you. I have a disability!
A Mexican man with a 19" penis is now recognized as physically disabled and receives government assistance.
Someday, low motivation will be recognized as a disability, and then I will be vindicated.

 

by Moturd
12-21-17
A word to the wise: never type in the tip amount while gabbing. You can accidently add too many zeroes.
A $500 dollar tip! Aieeeeeeee! Look everyone! Call the TV station now!
I mean at this point I'd look like a real tool to take it back. And it's not like $500 is going to sink me financially.
Oh my God, this is a Christmas miracle. If you only knew how much this means to me.
But, a single mom working two jobs, behind on her car payment... Bet I could have gotten a whole lot more for my money.
God bless you, sir! You have the pure heart of an angel!

 

by Moturd
12-22-17
Sir, I pulled you over for crossing the center line, but why is there a strong smell of marijuana coming from your vehicle?
Maybe from the 60 pounds of weed in the back of the car
60 one pound bags actually. They're just Christmas presents, Officers
Umhmm
You were giving pound bags of marijauna out as Christmas gifts?
No, 60 people gave them to us. It was the only thing we put on our list this year.

 

by Moturd
12-24-17
Ever wonder why we eat stuff?
Never really thought about it.
I mean: we eat, we sleep, we chase, we fuck, we shit. But why?
Life's mysteries -- There are so many things we don't know, like where you go when you die, and why some females suddenly become pregnant.
Sometimes I combine activities like, chasing cats in my sleep and eating my shit.
Yes, yes! Genius! The meaning of life might only be divined from a study of its emergent properties!

 

by Moturd
12-31-17
What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
Fish and ships
What do you call a scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart
Buy the next round or I'll start playing.
Alright, alright! You're a bloody Scot, you are!

 

by Moturd
12-31-17
Why is it that this frame raises no eyebrows though predicated on ethnic differences? Let us examine in detail.
Buy the next round or I'll start playing.
Alright, alright! You're a bloody Scot, you are!
Observe what happens when we replace the piper with another known for skillful financial negotiations.
Buy the next round or I'll play klezmer.
Alright, alright! What a Jew you are!
Yes, why is this? Though the English have more a bit more Germanic heritage mixed with the Celtic, we are both generally regarded to be of the same race.
Shut your gob you fucking Ginger!

 

by Moturd
1-08-18
What do we do now that our Russian dossier narrative has been exposed as a lie?
Relax. We've been doing this a long time. Nobody's stopping this freight train.
But what if the public realizes that mainstream media is dishonest and unethical to push our liberal agenda?
Wag the dog.
Huh? Oh, I get it. That's why we've been questioning Trump's mental stability lately.
It's unverifiable. And all the rubes who believed in Russian collusion will be distracted by it for months!

 

by Moturd
1-10-18
why are you looking so sad?
I am stressed about my immigration application!
oh come on! hire the liberal and get randomly picked for immigration lottery.
Really! do you know any democrat congressman?
Then parents and siblings, children, grandparents, in-laws, nieces and nephews all eligible for chain migration!
Great! now I am stress free! Al-Queda give me $50,000 for every sleeper cell I bring to USA!

 

by Moturd
1-11-18
High Security at the Houston Airport
No more waitin! No more wishin! Time to kill the politicians!
Have a pleasant flight, sir.
Allah Ackbar!
Gesundheit.
Wreck 'em, amiright?
PUT DOWN THE FINGER GUN NOW!

 

by Moturd
1-12-18
Greetings, I am the ReaLove© Sexbot you ordered online.
3 Weeks Later
Hello, Sum Yung Gai Heavy Industries? Care to explain how I got pregnant sleeping with one of your robots?
你是一個瘋狂的女人不再打電話給我們
An Amazon.com employee who had been missing for nearly a month was discovered today, living in a woman's house, pretending to be a sex robot.

 

by Moturd
1-13-18
From "Coolest Monkey in the Jungle"
I'm Rachel Dolazal and today I identify as Asian-american male. My parents were relocate to internment camp in World War II.
And with those unquestionable credential I step back into limelight by finding logo that no snowflake can criticize.
To "Coolest Prince in the Hood" Oops! to "Coolest Prince on the Planet"
What a cunt! She just throws it in my face that I'm not from Earth!
Not to mention her imperialist jab at Anti-Monarchists. She just turned the clock back about 200 years!
To "White Males are Bad and Wrong"
Ah! Now that's something we can all agree on.
You have no street cred, Snowflake. You're white!

 

by Moturd
1-14-18
Salutations, Canine. I am Pet Translator 1000. You are hereby requested to cease leaving dead things on the patio.
Woof bark grrrr woof woof
What'd he say?
He said, 'sniff ass, lick balls, food'
So anyway... the second observer sees the path of the light beam as being longer, but since we know the speed of light is constant then the only explanation is that time is dilated.
In accordance with the Lorentz transform, right?

 

by Moturd
1-16-18
Does the president wear prosthetics such as dentures, toupee, or enlarged hands?
Can you explain how the mental health assessment showed no signs of Alzheimers?
Which parts of your report can best be used to decalare President Trump unfit to hold office?
Are the words 'clean bill of health' actually code for 'riddled with cancer'?
Isn't it true that in your professional opinion the president is going to die?
Yes. We all will, eventually.

 

by Moturd
1-16-18
President Trump asked for and received a mental health assessment called the MoCA, which is short for Montreal Cognitive Assessment.
Wait. He asked for the test himself?
He did. He actively asked me to bring one with me and to give it to him during my physical exam. He passed with a perfect score.
Aha! But wouldn't only a crazy person question his own mental health?
Where the hell is my mocha latte? I asked Dr. Ronny to get me one, like, hours ago!

 

Listen Honey, let me tell you what "mansplaining" is...
by Moturd, 1-18-18

 

by Moturd
1-20-18
Come here I'm gonna eat you
Get in mah belly!
Get in maaah bellay!
Lord Cthulu, give me the strength to climb inside this unbeliever and consume it from the inside out.

 

by Moturd
1-21-18
A lying liberal writes the producers of "How the Universe Works", using
I’m lost on how the producers and the Science Channel can allow anti-education, science doubting, ultra-right wing conservative Mike Rowe to narrate the show
You’re unwilling to expose yourself to ideas that frighten you, even though that is exactly how Science works.
It questions my worldview!
Your tactics are a hot mess of hashtags and intolerance that deepen the chasm currently dividing our country.
typical liberal methods, and proving that when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
There's no place like safe space. There's no place like safe space.

 

by Moturd
1-24-18
Pope Francis, God's infallible voice here on Earth, agrees with Donald Trump that "Fake News" is common and says he was victimized by it after his recent South American trip
Talk about a double whammy. You go to the trouble to tour some little shithole and when you get back the press makes you look like the bad guy.

 

Wow, Paris is crazy right now.
It's in Seine!
by Moturd, 1-27-18

 

by Moturd
1-27-18
Good afternoon, Sir. Would you be interested in purchasing Elon Musk's $500 Boring flamethrower?
Sweet mother of God! What kind of toys does Musk have, if he thinks that flamethrowers are boring?
No, actually the flamethrower is made by Elon's Boring Company, the one he has digging a tunnel underneath LA so he can avoid rush hour traffic.
Why would a tunnel digging company need to build flamethrowers?
I'd love to answer that but I signed a non-disclosure agreement.
Morlocks? Is it Morlocks?

 

by Moturd
1-30-18
On the left...
Chirp, chirp
Boo! Bitches supporting bitches, don't support that!
African-American and Hispanic unemployment is the lowest ever recorded. Wages are up. Taxes are down. Investment in America is roaring back!
We will end chain migration and the visa lottery system and base future immigration on the ability to contribute to the success of our country.
In the right...
God bless America!
USA! USA! USA!

 

by Moturd
2-04-18
Feb 2, 2018
Where is that smell coming from? It's like a room full of toddlers all shit their pants at the same time.
Maybe sewer gas? I'll bet it's coming from the restroom.
sniff sniff, odd.
It actually smells better in here than out there
And then they noticed the brown trails running to their journalists' pantlegs
Did someone send us brownies with Ex-Lax in them as some kind of joke?
Worse. The public is reading the FISA memo.

 

by Moturd
2-04-18
Oh shit! Craig! Why are back from the dead to haunt me?
Because we had a deal, "Roomie". If one of us died the other would clean things up before the ambulance got there to save each other from any embarrassment.
Heh heh. Come on, admit it. If you were still alive you'd think it was a little funny.
Funny? That I was lying there dead holding a wad of come soaked tissues when the coroner showed up?
I'm sorry, man. It was a traumatic moment. It totally slipped my mind in all the excitement.
You're the one who jacked off over my dead body and put the kleenex in my hand!

 

Hey Nancy, I got room on the broom. Want to go for a ride?
Can it, Barack. I've got to clean up this DACA mess that you and HilRod created
by Moturd, 2-06-18

 

by Moturd
2-09-18
Honey, we are already late. Will you please just go over and ask him?
I know right where we are, Dear! If we keep heading this way we're bound to hit the asteroid belt and then Mars.

 

by Moturd
2-13-18
Thank you, Kehindi Wiley and Amy Sherald for these awf... er, official portraits. I truly cannot express how I feel about these interesting creations.
Amy had a nice background of Michelle's slave ancestors breaking their chains and strangling all the white masters in their sleep.
I wondered what the freshly painted blue background was all about.
But they made her paint over it. Too progressive, they said. But it's still there for an Xray machine to pick up once the revolution is not being televised.
Later at home
Every president from Washington on has a portrait that makes them look dignified and adds to their legacy until Obama 44. We look like cartoons.
At least yours resembles you! What is up with all that blank space? The whole mess infuriates me so much I could just choke someone!

 

by Moturd
2-17-18
2024-- Libtardia outlaws all new guns and confiscates all existing guns
2025-- School Shootings drop to zero
2025--Incidents of bombings, bio-terror, mass poisonings, mass vehicular homicides, stabbings, and chainsaw massacres at schools rise by 34,560%
My mommy says school used to be dangerous when she was little!
Mhm. Which do you want me to open first? Anthrax, Ricin, or Cyanide?

 

by Moturd
2-22-18
The top story tonight on Liberal Media News is Nikolas Cruz, the teenager who shot dozens of children killing 17 of them.
Wow! 17! That Nikolas Cruz really set a record, huh? No one will beat that score for a long time! 17! Impressive!
Let's show more pictures of Nicolas Cruz and say his name over and over again. Here's an interview with his family and a melodramatic backstory about his life.
To recap: Nikolas Cruz is now the most famous person in America. Nikolas Cruz shot 17 children dead! Nicky Cruz! 17! Let's see his face some more!
Breaking news! A Nikolas Cruz copycat has just killed 36 students! We'll plaster his face and name on your TV just as soon as we have it!
Please enjoy this montage of Nicky 17 synchronized to music while we wait...

 

by Moturd
3-09-18
Hey there. You must be Sarah.
Pleased to meet you. I guess that makes you Keith.
Here's a great trick I learned in "Something About Mary"
So tell me about yourself...
Beat off before a date to head off the sexual frustration that always makes me feel awkward and tongue tied
I can't wait to go home. This guy smells like a sweaty mushroom.

 

by Moturd
3-13-18
Back during the dot com bubble in the early 2000's I was playing with online trading which was still pretty novel at the time.
I thought it was hilarious to put in an order for 10 million shares at $0.001 a share. But 3 months later I suddenly found I owned most of a bankrupt company.
By the time I liquidated the warehouse and paid the lawyers and sold the domain name to Petsmart there was nothing left but a sock puppet.
After all these years, he still uses me to jack off !

 

by Moturd
3-13-18
Megacorp IT Operations Center
Another user accused me of reading his email.
Dear End Users: We do not read your email. You aren't that interesting. Sincerely, I.T.
Like we sit around all day watching them work through our remote management utility.
I know, right? They must think we have nothing else to do.
Hey check this guy out! He's sexting his girlfriend about wearing diapers.

 

by Moturd
3-17-18
Constantin Reliu, legally dead...
But Judge, I'm not dead. This is all just big mistake.
It's all perfectly legal. You're dead all right.
But I can still vote Democrat, right?
This isn't the USA!

 

by Moturd
3-27-18
Guillaume, I can't have you talking to customers like that. I'm going to have to let you go.
This is an outrage! You cannot fire me!
You are without a doubt the rudest waiter we've ever had working here.
How dare you say that? I am not rude! I am just French!
Tell me then, why are French people always so rude?
We are not always rude! Sometimes we must sleep.

 

by Moturd
4-03-18
In a Hive of Scum and Villainy...
You don't need to see their identification. These aren't the druids you're looking for.
...we don't need to see their identification. these aren't the druids we're looking for...

 

by Moturd
4-05-18
Did you hear a man cleaning his fish tank almost killed his whole family from toxic fumes?
Seriously, from a fish tank?
He scrubbed a piece of coral which released palytoxin, the second deadliest poison, into the air.
Wow. So what's the first deadliest?
phhhhhffftttttttt

 

by Moturd
4-13-18
If you were born Jan-Apr
No, sorry, Sarah Conner is busy.
I'll be back.
If you were born May-Aug
If you were born Sep-Dec
Are we still the good guys?
That's right, son. We're still the good guys. We're carrying the fire.

 

by Moturd
4-13-18
If you were born Jan-Apr
Fiat Homo, Brother Francis.
The hell'd you just call me?
If you were born May-Aug
All right, 'fess up. Which of you is still using the pre-war forever stamps?
If you were born Sep-Dec
Lord Humungus wants to know how you go so fast.
She's the last of the V-8 Interceptors!

 

by Moturd
4-13-18
If you were born Jan-Apr
You wouldn't hurt me, would you Bright Eyes?
Keep your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
If you were born May-Aug
...brains...
...brains!...
If you were born Sep-Dec
Ooh. Let's do a flashmob where everyone huddles together to climb up a wall.
I like it.

 

by Moturd
4-13-18
If you were born Jan-Apr
Yeeeeeehaaaaa!
If you were born May-Aug
Aight! Who bent up all my spoons?
If you were born Sep-Dec
Zzzzzz
Hint: I'm frozen solid by Ice-9

 

by Moturd
4-24-18
I brought my whole sorority to the hospice to make your last hours comfortable.
My dying wish is to dance with a beautiful woman.
I'd be proud to dance with you. World War 2 vets are the greatest generation.
Mind if we turn the lights down. It's so bright in here.
What are you going to teach me, the Jitterbug or the Waltz?
Well, my all time favorite is one we used call the Horizontal Bop.

 

by Moturd
4-26-18
I forget what I'm supposed to keep asking you about
Are you going to pardon Michael Cohen?
In honor of Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, President Trump held a mock briefing with children of the White House press corps members
Pootin pootin in my pants waaaaaaah!
Did you pay a floozy to pretend she was married to you?
Stupid questions. Next!
Sir, when you're finished with the press corps, it's time to go next door and start the mock briefing with their kids.

 

Did I just hear someone say she was pan-sexual?
Yes. Me. Janelle Monae. But I'm afraid you're out of luck. I don't like peters.
by Moturd, 4-26-18

 

Look, I'm not allowed to serve you. You have no shirt or shoes.
I told you what was going to happen...
by Moturd, 5-05-18

 

by Moturd
5-07-18
Boy regains consciousness after his parents sign papers to donate organs
It's sure lucky I woke up when I did!
Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. See, Jimmy, there's this little thing called Contract Law...

Showing page 5.

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