All comics by Xuanwu

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by Xuanwu
11-01-06
Did you hear about the major epidemic in the midwest?
I did. The symptoms seemed pretty nasty.
Yeah. Massive dehydration plus constipation.
Sounds like a real "Dust Bowel."

 

by Xuanwu
11-01-06
There's some kind of weird device by the grocery store.
That's a RAID array. The grocer built it from fruit.
Why would he use fruit for that?
He says the array has great pear-ity.

 

by Xuanwu
11-01-06
I notice the butcher is using a slide rule when he weighs the meat.
He took a statistics course over the summer. He's gotten good at calculating portions.
But what's that equation he wrote on the back wall for?
It's for finding the meat-ian.

 

Doctor! I think I broke something!
Oh, SNAP! Heh heh.
by Xuanwu, 11-01-06

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
On board Air Force One.
Damn it! Those tattoo covered bearded lady aliens have blown the roof off my airplane! Send Al Pacino after them!
We can't, sir. Al Pacino betrayed us for a lifetime supply of sour balls and a farting unicorn. We had to send someone else.
But who else could open a can of whup-ass on those aliens like Al Pacino?
Because of the short notice, we could only get Kevin Sorbo. We put him on a rocket ship to the alien's spacecraft.
Ooo, look at the red blinking lights!

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
The bitter coffee...
How much like my soul it is!
There is only... BLACK!

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
My body betrays,
Cells degrade into nothing,
Death carried by BLOOD.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Energy and light,
Sun shining through the gray clouds,
It signals my DEATH.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Snow falls from the sky,
Covering the white roses,
Everywhere... is BLACK.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Naughty tentacles,
An Eldritch horror searches,
On a quest for BLOOD.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
A new beginning,
Life rises from the ashes,
There is always DEATH.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
The noon day sun shines,
Light pours into all places,
For me it is BLACK.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Squirting and pumping,
The red stuff flows from my form,
The cuts release BLOOD.
Hey! That's not goth! That's emo! Get off the stage, you poser!

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
It begins so well,
A bird learns to spread its wings,
Ends in TRAGEDY.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Hope envigorates,
A new future stretches out,
One with lots of DEATH.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Soft, downy pillows,
Rest on fluffy comforters,
Neverending PAIN.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Try your best at life,
Though you are doomed to suffer,
Massive TRAGEDY.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
In this world of DEATH,
No hope, no light, only DEATH,
In life there is DEATH.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Cuddling some kittens,
Fuzzy furrballs tickling feet,
Only immense PAIN.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Filling the belly,
Consuming mass quantities,
Leads to SUFFERING.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Just when it's over,
When you think life will be good,
Always TRAGEDY.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Normal family,
Happy parents and children,
They are SUFFERING.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
Soaking in a bath,
Suspended in warm water,
Nerves ablaze with PAIN.

 

by Xuanwu
11-02-06
A world united,
Peace settles across the land,
Endless SUFFERING.

 

by Xuanwu
11-03-06
There is DEATH, PAIN, BLOOD,
SUFFERING and TRAGEDY,
BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK!
I think you're done here, you pasty faced nimrod.

 

by Xuanwu
11-03-06
Guitar wails loudly,
Drums pound, bass blares, vocals growl,
I rock to METAL!

 

by Xuanwu
11-03-06
Hot naked women,
Copulating without end,
Pornography ROCKS!

 

by Xuanwu
11-03-06
He flipped me the bird,
So I stabbed him in the face.
Nothing wrong with that.

 

by Xuanwu
11-04-06
"Snakes on a Plane."
There are mother-lovin' snakes on this mother-lovin' airplane!
Oh, SNAP!
"Snakes on a Starship."
There are mother-lovin' snakes on this mother-lovin' rocket ship!
Oh, SNAP!
"Snakes on a Direct-to-Video."
There's a mother-lovin' Kevin Sorbo in this mother-lovin' hallway!
Oh, S - wait, what?

 

by Xuanwu
11-08-06
Pounding her behind,
Doing it doggy style,
And then DONKEY PUNCH!

 

What're the results of my prostate exam, doc?
You have slight anal bleeding.
by Xuanwu, 11-10-06

 

by Xuanwu
11-10-06
Vegetarians,
Their diets are like a cow's.
They're best served well done.

 

by Xuanwu
11-13-06
For when the job sucks,
For when the girlfriend's a bitch,
I really like BEER.

 

by Xuanwu
11-13-06
Please...no more...
...and then he says, "Wow! I never knew polyps could get that big!"
Oh, god... the mental imagery...
You wouldn't believe the fun you could have with a fist sized chunk of flesh attached to your innards.
I'm losing it... If they ask... "Do not resuscitate."
And that was before he got a look at the other orifice!

 

by Xuanwu
11-13-06
Never thought I'd get into Heaven, what with all my sins.
Yeah, same here.
I guess God is a lot more forgiving than the Bible makes him out to be.
Yeah. What did you do?
I NAILED THE - er, I committed aggravated sexual assault. You?
Same. With hamsters.

 

by Xuanwu
11-13-06
Ha, the fools! They may have locked me away and seized my assets, but I planned ahead!
They'll never find the funds in my secret Swiss Account! Only my lawyer and myself have access.
My lawyer should be here any minute with a load of goodies to alleviate my condition. Ah, sweet bribe enabled bliss!
Yes, any time now. Any time. Um...

 

I heard they're coming out with a new brand of sound proofing for bathrooms.
It's for people who want their privy-cy.
by Xuanwu, 11-15-06

 

by Xuanwu
11-15-06
Welcome your first day of schools, children.
Yay!
Today's lesson is homosexuality. It's superior to that nasty, filthy heterosexuality. All of you should be homosexual when you grow up! SUBMIT TO THE POWER OF THE DARKNESS!
HAIL SATAN!
...and it's just that sort of possible scenario that's convinced me to home school my child, you servants of Lucifer.
Hm, yes, I see. Hold on one moment while I call Child Services.

 

by Xuanwu
11-15-06
What are you up to?
Quiet. I'm trying to practice this adage I heard.
Which one?
"A fish wouldn't get in trouble if it kept it's mouth shut."
But... we need to open our mouths to breath...
You ever hear of a dead fish getting grief? Nope!

 

by Xuanwu
11-16-06
You wouldn't believe the sort of growths I have down there...
I DISBELIEVE!
I'm a hot sexy plaything with a passion for sweet lovin'.
Whoo!

 

by Xuanwu
11-16-06
I must camp out for a week in front of the store for the slim chance of getting a PS3!
I DISBELIEVE!
Hey, wanna come to my place and play with the Wii?
You know it!

 

by Xuanwu
11-16-06
Rejoice! God has smiled upon you this day!
I DISBELIEVE!
Feel better, now?
Strangely... Yes.

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
1.
Are you going to buy the new Nintendo console?
Nah. I'm trying to Wii-n myself off gaming.
2.
So I headed up to Quebec to try and get a PS3. I ask him if they've sold out and you know what he said?
"Wii!"
3.
They're going to make a next-gen game based on Terry Pratchett's young adult series.
"Wii Free Men."

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
NALE TEH BICH!
I DISBELIEVE!
TOBOR CORNHOLE YOU!
Ah, crap.

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
PREPARE FOR CORNHOLING!
I DISBELIEVE!
PREPARE FOR CORNHOLING... WITH JACKHAMMER!
Gah!

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
Oh, god! It's someone's body!
Come one! Come all! Play with the corpse! Only $5 for the first 10 minutes!
Wait... this body looks familiar...
Can you please move along? I'm trying to run a business, here.
Oh, god! It's your sister!
She always was an enterprising gal.

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
Look what I brought home!
Oh, god!
GHLKXBRGH!
Oh, god!
AHA! It is me, Jesus!
Oh, god!

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
There are really people who think my presence alone makes their comic funny.
Oh, god!
Good news! It's not herpes, it's cancer!
Oh, god!
Woof?
Oh, dog!

 

by Xuanwu
11-17-06
You've got cancer!
I DISBELIEVE!
You've got cancer! And BRAAAAAAIIIINS!
Buggery.

 

Why is that guy carrying photos of Chiang Kai-shek?
His doctor said he needed a Mao-Inhibitor.
by Xuanwu, 11-17-06

Showing page 5.

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