All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
5-10-04
Daddy, I want to thank you so much for the beautiful wedding. It was so very, very special. Todd thought so, too.
Nothing but the best for my little angel. And you were the loveliest bride I've ever seen...save for your sweet mother, of course, ha-ha.
And the cake...oh, daddy, it was the most gorgeous wedding cake I ever saw. It was really, really special, too.
Well, ha-ha, it should be special, my dear...it came out of Hitler's ass, you know.
Oh yes, daddy, I -- HITLER'S ASS?
Yep. He just ate all the ingredients, and shit a wedding cake...and there it was. Happy wedding day, sweetheart.

 

by biped
5-11-04
No more stray pussy for me, baby. Starting tomorrow.
That hooker at my bachelor party reminded me...of you, darling.
You'll love the wedding ring I picked out for you, sweetheart. It came out of Hitler's ass.

 

by biped
5-11-04
I hope you don't mind -- I invited Debbie to go to Niagra Falls with us.
The threesome thing with your mom -- was that a "no" or a "maybe"?
This is great timing -- I'm almost 100% gonorrhea-free.

 

by biped
5-11-04
I like the new water cooler. It's really neat.
It should be. It came out of Hitler's ass.
Hitler's ass?
Yep. He just ate all the different parts, drank ten gallons of water, and shit a water cooler. And there it is.

 

by biped
5-11-04
Oh, sweetums! Mommy's so happy with her Mother's Day present that you bought all by yourself! *wink, wink*
It's a WAFFLE IRON, Mommy!
OH, Mommy can SEE that! And it's a NICE one, too! Did you pick it out yourself?
I sure DID! And guess what? The saleslady said it came out of HITLER'S ASS!
Oh, that's WONDERFUL, sweetums, I -- HITLER'S ASS?
YEP! She said he just took all the different parts, ate 'em, and SHIT A WAFFLE IRON! And HERE IT IS! Cook some waffles with it, Mommy!

 

by biped
5-11-04
Wha...
PEEK-a-boo! PEEK-a-boo! You can't see ME, but I can see YOU!
PEEP-EYE!!!
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-11-04
Boy, I sure love classical music. And this particular opus is one of my favorite short pieces of all ti -- AAAHHH!!! A G-G-GHOST!!!
BOO-OOO-OOO!!!
W-WHO ARE YOU?
Ha, ha...sorry about the "boo"...couldn't resist. Actually, I wrote this piece. I'm the ghost of J.S. Bach.
Wait a minuet... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-11-04
This is the shocking TV commercial that was produced by Whizco Toys, but was never allowed to be broadcast.
Buy that fucking video game or I'll blow your fucking head off!
GULP!
Hurry up! Get a couple more, too! Now move your fucking ass up to the counter and pay for 'em! MOVE IT!
(ULP!) YESSIR!
Now say the fucking words or I'll blow your fucking head off!
THAT'S RIGHT, KIDS! If you don't buy CYBERTRONIC KILL-DROID WARRIOR ZONE right now, Whizco Toys will send a crazed, homicidal redneck over to your house to BLOW YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF!

 

by biped
5-11-04
DING!!! DING!!! DING!!! DING!!! DING!!! DING!!!
FUCK!!! FUCK!!! MR. DISNEY'S HEAD HAS GOTTEN LOOSE AGAIN!!!
OH MY GOD!!! CALL THE PARK POLICE!!! HE'LL TERRORIZE ALL THE KIDS!!!
LA LA LA!!! MICKEY MOUSE!!! MICKEY MICKEY MICKEY BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!
YAAAAA!!! MOMMY!!! IT'S A HORRIBLE MONSTER HEAD!!! IT'S GONNA GET ME!!! WAAAAA!!!
HEY, WHERE'S MY DICK!!! I CAN'T FEEL MY DICK!!! ME WANT TO FUCK ANNETTE!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!
DON'T LISTEN, KIDS!!! MR. DISNEY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING!!! HIS BRAIN IS DEAD!!!

 

by biped
5-12-04
Yes, sir. May I take your order?
No, you may not.
Well, what the heck am I supposed to say now?

 

by biped
5-12-04
Sir, may I TAKE your ORDER?
Yes, you may.
Well, are you going to tell me what you want?
No, I am not.

 

by biped
5-12-04
That's it. I'm getting the manager.
Yes, what seems to be the trouble here?
The man went away.

 

by biped
5-12-04
Yes, sir, may I --

 

by biped
5-12-04

 

by biped
5-12-04
THAT'S IT! Either GIVE me your order RIGHT NOW or GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
All right, I'd like one million of everything, please.
FINE! Will that be for HERE or to GO?
That will be 657,392 of everything for here, and 342,607 of everything to go.
Okay -- your total is four million, eight-hundred and fifty-two thousand, five-hundred and thirty-six dollars and twenty-three cents. Will there be anything else?
Oh, drat...I seem to have left my wallet at home. Just give me one of those little toy tricycles with a clown on it.

 

by biped
5-12-04
...and all night long, it was honor and offer.
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
You're under arrest.
I'll let you hump my brains out twice a week for a month if you let me go, Sugar Pants.

 

by biped
5-12-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Well, uh, it was nice talking to you. I have to get back to work now.
And now comes the awkward part...do we kiss, or just shake hands and say "adieu?"

 

by biped
5-12-04
Mr. Disney, that new animator you hired keeps drawing Mickey Mouse with a big, throbbing dick.
Oh, he does, does he? Well, that's certainly out of step with our standard policy.
And I'm afraid that even Minnie isn't spared, sir. In fact, her dick is even bigger and -- well, "veiny-er" -- than Mickey's.
Oh, my stars and garters, well, that will never do.
Eddie, I must insist that you resist the urge to depict our beloved Disney characters with large, ahem, penises.
Sure, Uncle Walt. In fact, I've already planned a cartoon where they all get their dicks chopped off anyway.

 

by biped
5-13-04
(We've only just beguuun...to liiiiive...white lace and promises...)
Karen, I've decided to make a change in our musical direction.
Really, Richard? How exciting. Can you see that I'm excited?
Yes, Karen, I noticed the way that you suddenly moved your left nostril.
(...a kiss for luck and we're oooon, our waaaaaaay...)
Karen, I'm still talking to you.

 

by biped
5-13-04
(Hangin' arounnnd, nothin' to do but frooown, rainy days and Mondays always...)
Karen, I've decided to destroy the world.
Really, Richard? How would you do that? Oh, and...um...why?
The world is a festering cesspool of violence and corruption. People are all inherently evil. They should be annihilated.
Oh. Well, that's...(why do birds, suuuddenly appear...every time, you are neeear..)
And we will use our music to facilitate the extinction of the entire human race, Karen. Karen?

 

by biped
5-13-04
I've been working on some brand new songs for you to sing, Karen...songs with hidden messages that will subliminally manipulate the minds of the listeners...
(Siiing...sing a sooong...make it simple, to last your whole life loooong...)
Here, try this one out...just make up a tune for now...
Okay, Richard... sounds like fun...let's see...(Kiiill everyone, kill yourseeelves... impressionable youth, like happy little e-ee-elves...)
Good, good...a little more up-tempo...
(Shooot your neighbors, they are so baaad... merrilly waaaste...your mom and daaaad...)

 

by biped
5-13-04
Thanks for that warm welcome, everyone! Hey, here's a new song making its debut for you here tonight. Please listen to the words very carefully.
(I'm on the... top of the wooorld, lookin'...down on cre-aaa-tion...)
(And the only explan-aaa-tion I can fiiiind...)
(...is the horror of liiife, so go on and kill your wiiife...)
(...yes, it's time for the destruc-tion of the wooorld...)
(So get a kni-iii-fe, and start a-cuttin'... if you're in power, puuush a button...)

 

by biped
5-13-04
(Oh yes, your faamily is evil...exterminate 'em lahk dat ol' boll wee-vil...)
(...use what-ever means you caaan... to wipe out your fel-low maaan...)
(...and that goes for babies, tooo... so just toss 'em in a steeewww...)
(...go on and skin your friends aliiiive...don't stop at four, skin fiiiive...)
(...and if you're in the mi-li-tary...drop all your bombs, it'll be sooo mer-ry...)
(...oh, imagine all the mirrrrth...when rotting corp-ses cover the Earrrth...)

 

by biped
5-13-04
(Then get dad's guuun off the shelf... and pump a few sluuugs into your-self...)
(Oh, it's so wondrous...the de-struc-tion of the woooorld.)
Hmm. It worked.
Yes, Richard...I can see that it did. (Loooong agooo...and oh, so faaar awaaay...)
Wow. Destroying the world made me really hungry. How about you?
Yes...I could eat a horse, and then throw it up.

 

by biped
5-13-04
Remember when you were born, and the doctor slapped you on the ass?
Yeah. So?
Remember when he took one look at you, and then slapped your mom?
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-13-04
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamed I was having passionate sex with a large bunny rabbit.
Oh, my...that must have been weird all right. Ha, ha...
And then, the anal insertions began...whoa...I don't know what he rammed up there, but I thought the tingling sensation would never end...
Yes, well, those pesky batteries don't last all night, do they? Uh, I mean --
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?
Yes -- er, no.

 

by biped
5-13-04
"Saving Private Ryan"
Hey, fast-forward through all this fuckin' bullshit to the next Vin Diesel scene.
Aw, he just got killed. Well, fuck the rest of this piece of shit.
"Fast And Furious"
Oh wow...NOBODY drives a fuckin' car like Vin Fuckin' DIESEL! He is da fuckin' MAN!
He doesn't even use a fuckin' STUNT man either, like all those other fuckin' PUSSIES!
"xXx"
FUCK! His fuckin' motorcycle's FLYING! He is so fuckin' HARDCORE! Man, I'd fuck him if he weren't, like -- you know -- a dude.
I just KNOW he's gonna fuck that babe at least five or six times in this fuckin' movie! No WAY she's gonna fuckin' pass THAT fuckin' shit up!

 

by biped
5-13-04
Congratulations Brad. Once again, you win the Best Website Award -- or, as we call it, the "Webster" -- for your brilliant concept, "Stripcreator."
Thanks. This is really a great honor.
I'm sure we'd all like to know the secret of your success, if you don't mind sharing a little "hush-hush" information with us.
Well, there's a lot of technical stuff I could go into, but I guess the really wonderful and unique thing about Stripcreator is the fact that it came out of Hitler's ass.
Wow, that's fascinating, Brad, I -- HITLER'S ASS?
Yep. He just ate a bunch of Sunday funnies, and shit a website. And here it is.

 

by biped
5-14-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
Wait a minute... that was YOU!?

 

by biped
5-14-04
So, it's decided, then. We -- the Vin Diesel Appreciation Society -- will make the incredible journey that other Vin fans only dare to dream of.
Oh, gosh...I'm SCARED! But you know what...it's a GOOD scared!
We've got to hurry. He may not be sleeping naked on his stomach like this for very long.
Boy, look at these ass-cheeks! They're HUGE! Watch your step!
We're approaching the entrance. This is our last chance to turn back -- what do you think?
We've come THIS far...seems a bit LATE for second thoughts NOW!

 

by biped
5-14-04
THIS IS IT! Just PUSH -- keep pushing forward!
Funny...it's not nearly as TIGHT A SQUEEZE as I imagined it would be!
Wow! A TUNNEL...as far as the eye can see!
YEAH! Just THINK of it, Brad...we're in VIN DIESEL'S RECTUM!
And we're the FIRST...the PIONEERS of a NEW FRONTIER!
The first to get THIS far, anyway!

 

by biped
5-14-04
What's THAT? Looks like...large, yellow GLOBES!
Why...it's CORN, Brad! We're FAR BEYOND THE REACH of TOILET PAPER now!
CAREFUL -- watch your FOOTING! It's getting SLIPPERY!
We seem to be crossing a VAST EXPANSE of WHITE! Like...like some kind of LOTION, or...or...SOMETHING!
It SEEMS to go on FOREVER!
There's TONS of it, Brad!

 

by biped
5-14-04
Wait...what's THIS?
I think it's the ENTRANCE to the LOWER INTESTINE! We...we've MADE it, Brad! The CENTER of VIN DIESEL'S ASSHOLE!
Let's stop...and savor this moment.
We...are the greatest Vin Diesel fans...EVER.
Wha -- what's that rumbling noise?
OH MY GOD...I think he's gonna BLOW! RUN!

 

by biped
5-14-04
THERE'S A HUGE, DARK MASS COMING AFTER US! SURROUNDED BY NOXIOUS GAS!
DON'T LOOK BACK, BRAD! It's RIGHT ON OUR HEELS!
LOOK! THERE'S A LIGHT UP AHEAD!
IT'S THE SPHINCTER! IT'S OPENING UP! WE CAN JUST MAKE IT!
YAAAAAA!!!!!
YAAAAAA!!!!!

 

by biped
5-14-04
We...we MADE it!
And we're ALIVE, Brad! Oh, thank god...WE'RE ALIVE!
And...and we're the GREATEST VIN DIESEL FANS in the WORLD!
They'll sing SONGS about us, Brad! They'll ENSHRINE us in the HOLY HALLS of VIN DIESELDOM!
Later...
And in entertainment news...actor Vin Diesel has just been hospitalized for a sudden case of acute "irritable bowel syndrome..."
BRAD! BRAD! WE'RE ON TV!

 

by biped
5-14-04
Mom, did you and Dad go out for a long time before you got married and had me?
Yes, we did.
What was your first date with him like?
It was...well, let's just say it was interesting...
*Start Flashback*
No fuckin' way! You rob graves, too?
Necro-phuckin' A, you gorgeous ghoul, you!

 

by biped
5-15-04
I'm Frenchy Potatoes! Frenchy "Fried" Potatoes, that's me!
Excuse me, sir, aren't you Frenchy Potatoes? Frenchy "Fried" Potatoes?
That's me!
Can I have your autograph?
Sorry, I can't read or write!
Then could you just say something condescending to me? It's for my little girl -- she's your biggest fan.

 

by biped
5-15-04
You BASTARD.

 

by biped
5-15-04
Gee, Dave...I don't know...
Look, DAMN IT! After all I've done for you, the least you can do is this one little, tiny thing for ME!
But I'm not really very horny right now...and there isn't all that much of an attraction, to tell you the --
Oh, COME ON, you selfish BASTARD! It's the only fucking thing that can get me OFF anymore!
Take my wife...PLEASE!

 

by biped
5-16-04
My goodness... what on earth happened to all the collection plates?
Oh, they're still in the dishwasher! I used them to bake a seven-layer cake!
Oh, my...that's highly irregular.
Sorry, dad!
I keep telling you, Cathy...it's "father", not "dad."
Sorry, father! I guess mother will have to use paper plates today!

 

by biped
5-16-04
Where's my lunchbox? It was right here earlier.
Oops! I put it where the dog wouldn't get it, and...
Should I ask WHERE you put it?
Well, I'm afraid you just buried it along with Mrs. Wilson!
Oh, dear... a whole submarine sandwich and a pickle...
Oh well, let's dig her up! Then I can get my purse back, too!

 

by biped
5-16-04
Cathy, have you seen the Milton file? It's incredibly important.
Yes, sir! I filed it away safe and sound in that brand-new electric filing cabinet!
Electric filing-cabinet? That was the new PAPER-SHREDDER!
Oh, no!
This is a disaster! I'm ruined!
Wait! Do we have any Scotch tape?

 

by biped
5-16-04
Didn't you see the "No Parking" sign, ma'am?
Yes, but I thought it meant no parking on the sidewalk!
No ma'am, it meant no parking at the curb.
Then why is there a parking space there?
It's for emergency use only.
But I needed hairspray! I have a date in five minutes!

 

by biped
5-16-04
I can't find those darn chickens anywhere.
Oh! It started to rain, so I put them in the house!
The house? Why didn't you put them in the barn?
It's hot in there! I was afraid they might lay hard-boiled eggs!
Well, you can let the chickens out of the house now.
What about the cows? They're in your bedroom!

 

by biped
5-16-04
OH MY GOD! THE CABIN'S DEPRESSURIZING!
Oops!
CATHY! WHAT DID YOU DO THIS TIME?
The lady in 4C said she needed some fresh air! So I thought I'd crack the door open just a tad!
THIS IS A CATASTROPHE! I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE CAN STAY AIRBORNE!
Should I serve dinner now?

 

by biped
5-16-04
I'm dying of thirst out here! Did you remember to bring the canteens?
I sure did!
Good...I can't go on without water.
Oh, I didn't put water in them! I filled them with spicy tomato juice!
SPICY TOMATO JUICE? OH NO!
But I thought you loved spicy tomato juice!

 

by biped
5-16-04
The president's ready to give his address. I trust you finished his speech in time.
It's on the teleprompter, sir!
Good. It's crucial that he get his message across to those Islamic fundamentalists.
Islamic fundamentalists? I thought you said Icelandic pharmacologists!
WHAT? OH NO!
Is there a big difference? Maybe nobody will notice!

 

by biped
5-16-04
Have you ever done this before, Cathy?
No! Is it hard?
Ha ha! "Is it hard"! You just made a double-entendre!
I did?
Yeah, it was a reference to my erection.
Wow! I didn't know you were Chinese! What office are you running for?

 

by biped
5-16-04
GIMME THOSE VIDEO GAMES!!!
AAAHH!!! NO!!!
HA HA!!! I'M TAKING A BIG, STEAMING SHIT ON ALL OF YOUR VIDEO GAMES!!! HAHA-HA HAA!!!
NO, DAD!!! NO!!!
HA HA!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR PRECIOUS VIDEO GAMES NOW, SON!!!
OH, WAAAH!!! BOO-HOO!!! I HATE YOU, DAD!!! WAAAAH!!!

 

by biped
5-17-04
Name something that is black...and white...and red all over.
Hmm ...mmm... gee... black and white... and... errr.... red all over... ummm...
Oh yeah, and I'd also like to beat you over the head with it repeatedly and then shove it up your ass.
Oh! A newspaper!

Showing page 5.

« Previous Next »