All comics by christopher7murphy

Profile

 

This book store does not have REAL books!
Pardon?
All you have here are every day authors. You don't carry an extensive assortment of the classics.
How can you waste so much space on popular titles...and so little for great literature?
Well...I suppose we're in it for the money.

 

You NEVER have the book I want when I want it. You CAN'T tell me what the title of the book I want is.
And now, you're telling me your computer is down, so you can't tell me who wrote the book I want.
What CAN you do?
I'm going back to Clown College!

 

Let's see, you want one Pluto Burger?
Yes, please.
One Baked Potato, with cheese?
Yes, please.
Mam, I could toss in an anal probe and you could get a Happy Meal.
Yes, please.

 

Are you ready yet?
No. I have to comb my hair and find my keys.
You've been getting ready for an hour now!
Hold your horses! I'm almost ready!
Just my luck. We have five minutes to get there...and my Fly is Undone!
TWO MINUTES!

 

Where do you think you are going?
I TOLD YOU! When I grew up, I was going to be President!
Oh NO you don't! You get your butt back in here! When you were five years old, you said you were going to be Batman!
Oh..that's right.

 

You are so kidding! Right?
No Bull, Dawg. I fight with the guy in the cape and if I loose...he cuts off my balls and eats them.
Whoa.
At the Vet's, I never had a chance. They gassed me, I woke up, and mine were GONE!
And the Doctor was smiling...wasn't he?

 

Hey Gramps, you got a bill from the Dentist's office in the mail today.
Dentist? I don't remember going to the dentist.
Maybe they made a mistake?
I remember someone tellin' me to stop squirmin' and put on this little rubber bib.
That was the Dentist.
I thought that was your Grandma, and we were goin' to church.

 

How was the job interview?
Not good. Everyone in the entire office got together and treated me like I was crap.
It was the most out-of-control interview I ever experienced.
They were jerks..they only THINK they are better than you. Remember, everyone puts thier pants on one leg at a time.
Yes...but it was a Flag Pole, and they were MY pants!

 

Wow! you have quite a few books here.
Yes. Although, we are considered a small store.
We still have just over forty thousand items in stock.
But do you have any GOOD books?
Nope! Sold the last one this morning.

 

I don't know who you think you are, but you have no right asking my children to leave your store.
But your kids were climbing on the ladders, running around, disturbing customers, and pulling books from the shelves and leaving them on the floor.
But how else can I get any shopping done with them hanging around me!
Mam, you really shouldn't leave your children unattended and undisciplined.
That's your job! Why else would you have a children's department?

 

Excuse me. Did you just tell my children to behave? Did you tell them they had to leave the store and do as they are told?
ummm...Yes, Sir.
And when my wife complained to you, you told her she needed to "discipline her children?"
umm..yes, Sir.
Could you come over and babysit tonight?

 

I would like to apply for a job in your book store.
I am available anytime. Except for mornings, weekends, and afternoons on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.
So you can only work Tuesdays, 1:00 to 9:00?
Yes..at least until my karati class starts.

 

Har, Har! Stop me if you heard this one. Kevin Sorbo and Al Pacino walk onto an airplane...
...Kevin looks at Al and says, "Do you see that blinking red light? That means the pilot is asleep and the plane is going to crash."
Then Al says, "Listen Kevin, you are an idiot. That blinking red light means the onflight movie is about to start. And it just so happens to be a movie I star in!"
..oh, and then Kevin says, "Same thing!"

 

Merry Christmas! From the ACME Goldberg Machine Corporation!
For all the business you have given us in the last 50 years, we at ACME present you with this thankyou gift.
Go ahead...Try it. It's Roadrunner Meat. We've carried it for years!

 

Now, take your time and make the identification if you can.
THAT'S HER! That's the woman I robbed!

 

So, Your Majesty. In all of your years as the King, what would you say is your "Crowning Achievement?"
Well, I guess it's when it stays on my head whenever I bend over.
...and YOU'RE the "supreme ruler?"
ha ha...Silly monkey. I'm the King! I keep my RULER in my office!

 
Nope. Still smells. Beam me back!
Captain. You are abusing the transporter.

 

You gonna eat that pickle?
I don't have a pickle.
You gonna eat that pickle?
I said I don't have a pickle. If I buy you a pickle, will you stop bothering me?
You gonna eat that big screen TV?

 

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father... Prepare to DIE!!!
Stop it! Do it right!
My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father... Prepare to DIE!!!
Nope! Not gonna happen. Do it right!
Okay, Okay! My name is Inigo Montoya. -sigh- Do you have any mail for me?
Ha! That's exactly what your father asked...just before I shot him!

 

I need to see your licence and registration. Do you know why I pulled you over?
Sir? I'm a CHRISTMAS TREE! Why in the world would you single me out?
I pulled you over because your left blinker is out.
Oh..I've been meaning to fix that.
...and you were weaving all over the place.
Honestly officer! I have a bare spot, I was just trying to turn it towards the wall!

 

Can you tell me what happened?
Oh Gawd, yes! In December, he called them Christmas lights..but they were the same lights from October when he called them Halloween lights.
In April, he called them Easter lights...but in July, he taped over all but the red and blue..and called em Freedom Lights!
..and you believe that the excess holiday lights may have short-circuted and caused the fire?
Lawd no! I did that when I was lighting the candles in my Christmas Pumpkins.

 

Officer Claus? Are you the real, REAL Holiday Cop?
Why yes Suzie, I am.
Could I have a new bicycle and a new dolly for Christmas? And a....
Oh, no Suzie. I don't bring presents to good little boys and girls. I lock up BAD little boys and girls! Have YOU been a bad girl, Suzie?
Well...I tried to be good.
Tsk tsk, Suzie. You know I always know when you've been naughty. Your Mommy & Daddy gave you up...they told me about the weed in your crayon box.

 

Did you ever wish you could believe in Santa Claus again.
Oh, no. Santa was a whimsical fantasy that I cherished as a child.
But now that we are adults, we need to focus on the reality of our lives. The drudgery of work and the disapointments of our day to day existence.
Where do you work?
Santa's Village.

 

Mista? My mommy sent me to the store because it is an EMERGENCY! She wants me to get her some pepper. And she needs it right away.
Well...does she need a GREEN pepper? A RED pepper..or just some BLACK pepper? Go home and ask her.
She needed to be more specific.
She said TOILET pepper!

 

Are you Theodore E. Bunny? AKA: The Easter Bunny?
?
You're vehicle is double parked outside...and I'll have to ask you to move it.
um...You're not gonna ask me about the bloody axe?
Hey, what you do in the off season is your own business. Just move the car!
I was just taking a poll. Can I AXE you a question?

 

Found it! We finally found the site where Red Shirts go to die! Our five year mission was a success!!
..um..hello? Anyone there?
I guess we succeeded just in time. Now I wonder where the Blue Shirts end up? SPOCK?
I resign my commision. I'll walk from here.

 

Hey, what's the deal with "Red Shirts?"
It's like they don't see us as viable characters. As if we only exist to die so the Captain and his buddies won't.
I am sure it's not as bad as all that. There was no grand plan when they issued our red uniforms and identification tags with our spiffy new code names.
Maybe you're right Redshirt Number Two.
Don't be so paranoid Redshirt Number One.

 

Commander Scotty! I can't take it any longer. I have a Red Shirt on...and I know I'm gonna die!
Nonsence Lad, I've been wearing a red shirt for years..and I'm healthy as a Scotsman in a Kilt!
ARRRGGGG!
Aye! That's right. Me and my LUCKY red shirt!

 

But honey....
Oh... you JERK! I'm Leaving you!
Let me explain....
I caught you in bed with some Tomato covered in Mayo!
It meant NOTHING...I was doing a favor for Lettus...
Since when did you go "Vegetarian?"

 

So you're my long lost step-brother...and you went into Law Enforcement: Holiday Style?
Yep.
If you really are a Claus, you must have SOME magical ability.
Well, I wouldn't say it's SPECTACULAR. But I can Poop Donuts.
Impossible! Prove it!
Okay. Bring me a donut, and I'll show ya!

 

Chum, you really need to cut back on the porn.
Over one thousand DVDs and Videos.
I mean...well...I think you're addicted.
ohh..and all of those Webcams.
Well, it could be worse. It's not like I WATCH it.

 

There's SNOW business like SNOW business, Like SNOW business I know!
Everything about it is appealing, Everything is...ARRRRGGGG!
So LETS get on with the...LETS get on with the...LETS get on with the SNOWWWW!

 

Bahhh! The boss just ripped me a new one, and it's all your fault!
Why? Why am I in trouble?
Because "Shit rolls down hill." My boss is mad at me, so I am mad at you! Bahh! Get it!
Say, why did you TP Hootman's cubical?
Cause Shit does a LOT of things. "It rolls down hills," AND "it hits the fan!" I figured he needed to wipe.

 

What's wrong?
-gulp- My parents just informed me I have a long, lost half-brother and it turns out, he's my supervisor at work.
But wasn't it cool to find out you have a half-brother.
I guess....
But then they told me which half.

 

You sure do use a lot of poop jokes in your comic strips. Not all of them...but many of them.
Well..its a common reference. It's something everyone does.
I bet you couldn't do one hundred strips without using one single poop joke.
Okay! Challenge excepted! If Charles Schultz can do it, I can.
Are you saying the Peanuts kids never pooped?
Why do you think he was named "Charlie BROWN?"

 

I threw down a challenge. You accepted it. You sounded so confident!
I am!
I bet you that you couldn't go one hundred comic strips without using a single poop joke....
I can!
And you blew it before the last panel.
Oh, you meant one hundred in a ROW? No, I can't do that.

 

Ehh..Hey Doc, did you see Hatrix's thank you speech on stripcreator?
She never cusses and says things like Jebus 'n stuff. Eh?
Wonder why?
Silly wabbit. Don't you know Twix is for kids!

 

Did I win? Huh? Did I win?
I'm checking the numbers now.
Those are my numbers! Those are my numbers! OMYGAWD!
12, 18, 19, 29, 32 and 7.
That clinches it! I'm gonna go buy a ticket!
Dude, Don't write any checks till I explain something to ya.

 

Welp...here we are! Stranded on an island.
Yup.
Oh, I wouldn't consider these ammusing little puppet shows to entertain yourself a sign of insanity.
No, of course not!
Oh, we passed that mark when we cannibalised the Captain and his crew.
...And that was long before the crash, too.

 

Oh bother! I just realized something.
What's that.
Suppose someone comes along and wants to rescue us? Won't they think I've gone completely out of my mind?
Well, it is kinda quirky to give yourself puppet shows.
Maybe you should put your pants back on.

 

gulp! If someone does come to rescue us, will we be in trouble for cannibalising the Captain and his crew?
If they get upset, we will just have to eat them too!
What if it's a cruise ship? What if there are thousands of people? What then, Smart Guy?
I guess I'll mix up more batter.

 

So Sister Stripcreator..um..
When a nun outgrows her uniform, or when it justs gets plain worn out, what do you do with the old one?
We ditch 'em like a bad habit.

 

Hey Jimbo! It's me, Charlie! Don't ya know me?
Let's go pick a fight with those gang members.
Listen! I know you're NOT real. Your just a manifestation of my drunken stooper.
You were right Murry, once I confronted my inner demon, it went away.
Darn tooten! Now let's wrap a towel around ya, and go see if you can fly off that tall building.

 

Arrrg! Shouldn't you be gettin' ready for work?
sob- I can't...I just casually got on line..and went straight to Stripcreator. I have time!
But you still have to take a SHOWER, let the dog out, and write those bills out.
So the bills will be a little late. And the dog makes a little mess.
But you really, really stink!
I know, but that's why I've got to keep practicing.

 

When I was growing up, I wanted to be the Milkman, but not just ANY Milkman...I was only gonna deliver CHOCOLATE milk.
Every morning I would drop off bottles of chocolate milk at peoples doorstep.
MILKMAN? Good lord, how old are you?
I know! If I knew then that you could eventually grab a bottle from any ol' gas station, I would have went to Medical School.
(And the world was spared.) Did you pass your Dairy Exams?

 

Are you the Notorious April Fool?
Nope. I'm May Day...haha..I Kid, I'm not really May Day..unless I'm in trouble..then it's a big Mayday! But I kid...ha ha!
You know, it is entirely within my right to arrest you for obstruction of justice and haul your ass downtown.
um...April Fool...right? You kid?
Yep! I kid...I'm just gonna shoot ya and save myself the paperwork.
-gulp- mayday!

 

The pharmacy screwed up my prescription. Instead of Diet Pills, they were giving me Viagra.
Whoa! I bet that was a surprise. Are you going to complain?
Well, because I'm overweight, I use to be late to work every day. But now, I'm the first one off the elevator.

 

I put my foot in the kitty.
But got my shoe brown and shitty
The cat took my shoe,
and licked off the poo.
And that's how my kitty got shitty with me!
"Burma Shave"

 

Do you have this in an extra small?
Sir? That IS an extra small.
Well...I guess this will have to do. So, what do you think of the new employee uniform, Miss Jones?
Love it Mr. Macy.
Your name tag will go here, and THIS is for unruley customers!

 
Wow...I'm glad that wasn't my boob.

Showing page 5.

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