All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
1-31-02
Come see my band Saturday night! We've invented a whole new style of music. We call it "durable plastic".
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
What heavy metal was to the '80s, durable plastic will be to the oughts!
Oughts?
Yeah, you know -- 2001 is ought-one, 2002 is ought-two....
That's the second dumbest thing I've ever heard.

 

by evil_d
1-31-02
Why would you call your style of music "plastic"? Were "wooden" and "cardboard" already taken?
Plastic is the new metal!
I bet you say gray is the new black.
It's the material of choice for the new millenium! It's tough and sturdy, yet easy to mass-produce! Just like we want our art to be!
And, I fear, it can be recycled indefinitely.

 

by evil_d
1-31-02
I just don't see what you hope to gain by telling people your music is "plastic".
I guess I don't associate the word with any positive cultural phenomena.
What about that weblog run by the people at Suck? Plastic.com?
My point exactly.

 

by evil_d
1-31-02
Has it occurred to you that cultural movements aren't engineered, but happen spontaneously?
Nothing wrong with giving fate a little push. For example, we're changing the band's name so fans will associate us with the "plastic" genre.
Ooh, let me guess! The Plastic Explosives! Paper or Plastic! Plastallica!
From now on, we're Plastic Money!
And your first single can be called "Like a Plastic Surgeon"!
That's a great one, I hadn't thought of that!

 

by evil_d
2-08-02
This is Jan Brady for QVC News, reporting from a secluded safehouse. I'm talking with Bongo, who'll be a star witness for AOL Time Warner in its upcoming lawsuit against Microsoft.
...make it stop... make the blinking stop...
Bongo, I understand you'll be providing testimony about a clandestine network of Microsoft operatives who forced Netscape to produce a crappy web browser. Care to comment?
...beautiful code... they ruined our beautiful code... bloated it... added components... delayed release... made us rewrite version 6 from scratch!...
Damning evidence, indeed. Things are starting to look bad for Microsoft -- I hope they don't send their assassins after you! Ha, ha! Back to you, Peter.
...we wanted to support CSS correctly, but they wouldn't let us!... I tell you they wouldn't let us!!...

 

by evil_d
2-14-02
Halt, evildoer! I won't let you get away with stealing that old lady's purse!
Oh no, it's the Human Snowball! Please don't hurt me!
FROST ON!

 

by evil_d
2-19-02
Tobor....

 

by evil_d
2-19-02
Are you sure you can't remember anything about it?
Stripcreator... stripcreator... nope, sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
Please try to think, sir. You must remember the donkeys... or Tobor... or perhaps wirthling?
WIRTHLING SUCKS!!
Yes, that's right Mr. Billings! Wirthling sucks! Now what else can you tell me about that joke?
That ain't no joke, son, it's a fundamental law of physics! What do they teach you kids in school, anyway?

 

by evil_d
2-20-02
When it comes to holidays, I think the US has really got its priorities fucked up.
We get time off for Presidents' Day, Memorial Day AND Veterans' Day, but Arbor Day passes without incident.
I don't know about you, but I like trees a lot better than politicians or war.

 

by evil_d
2-20-02
I'm getting to hate major holidays just because of all the *other* whiners who hate major holidays.
It's society's fault that I feel worthless 'cause I'm not in a relationship!
I'm unable to resist the peer pressure to buy meaningless gifts for everyone I know!
That's why I like Arbor Day. You never hear a tree whine 'cause it's not part of a forest. They accept our appreciation gracefully and give us valuable oxygen in return.

 

by evil_d
2-20-02
You shouldn't have fallen on those spikes. If you hadn't fallen on those spikes you wouldn't have died. How many lives do you think it'll take you to beat this level? I think 17. 17 or maybe 18.
That was great, you beat that boss without losing any health, but it would have been cooler if you jumped around behind him real fast, and then blasted him in the head, and then blasted him again...
You know, hearing you report every single thought that flits through your head might be slightly more bearable if they weren't all so excruciatingly pedestrian.
Hey chill out man, we're all just trying to have some fun here, I just thought of that stuff and so I said it, seems to me it was pretty obvious, I'm surprised no one else thought of it first...
You realize you're still doing it, right?

 

by evil_d
3-04-02
Pretend I'm a maple leaf.

 

by evil_d
3-26-02
I don't care who you work for, you best give me my money 'fore I put a cap in yo' ass.
I thought you guys just boxed.
Sir, please let us have that examined first.
If I don't open this unmarked, ticking package immediately, then the terrorists have already won.

 

by evil_d
4-16-02
"If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life."
"But what about us?"
"We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we'd lost it, until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night."
Diablo, put the laser pointer away.

 

by evil_d
4-22-02
Hey Kaufman, did you get a chance to read that book on World War 2 I recommended?
Sure did! I'm not done yet, but it's great so far.
How far have you gotten?
Midway!
What?

 

by evil_d
4-25-02
Lately I've been getting a lot of mail with messages like, "Mr. President, when will the violence end?" or "Can't you stop the fighting?" or "Go back to Texas, ya hick!"
Well I want you folks to know that good ol' W has heard ya. That's why, effective immediately, the USA is declaring War on War!
So let it be known that soldiers and those who harbor them are no longer safe from our weapons of mass destruction! America's gonna bomb War back to the Stone Age! Yee-haw!

 

by evil_d
5-02-02
...and now I'm here in London for the annual entomology conference! Between work and my hobby, I guess you could say my life is all about buggery!
Well I never! Son, it's not too late to be saved. Stop by the church this afternoon and we'll have a nice talk. I'll pencil you in for four o'clock!
What the hell was all that about?
Buggered if I know.

 

by evil_d
5-02-02
So this is your first time abroad? Are you nervous at all?
Yeah, a little. I could really go for a smoke right now.
Look, that guy's smoking, maybe he'll help me out. SAY, BUDDY, CAN I BUM A CIGARETTE?
Er... Jon... I think you're forgetting where you are.
Oh, right. I MEAN, CAN I BUM A FAG?

 

by evil_d
5-31-02
Hey, I know you! You're Keanu Reeves!
*sigh*... Yes... yes I am.
You suck! All your movies suck! I'd beat you up right now if it weren't for the tragic story of your poor, paralyzed father.
Dude... Christopher Reeve isn't my father.

 

by evil_d
5-31-02
on your nee's bitch
cant we have som of four play for a chainge? we dont cudle enogh
hahahaha!! four play, we donrt cudle enogh, hahahaha, your funy
alrite

 

by evil_d
6-04-02
Recent US anti-drug commercials have focused less on the actual negative effects of the drugs...
Don't buy cigarettes, 'cause they're expensive! Don't buy drugs, because the money might help finance terrorism!
...and more on the negative side-effects that have become attached to drug use in our society.
Don't do drugs because if you feel happy then you might have sex and your partner might have HIV and you'll get AIDS!
It's only reasonable to expect that we'll begin to see a certain progression of this trend.
Don't do drugs because if you do I'll come to your house and BEAT the everloving FUCK out of you, you piece of SHIT!

 

by evil_d
6-11-02
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore --
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
'Tis some visitor, rapping at my chamber door -- only this and nothing more.
'tis unconsenshial sex tiem yuo fuckne bithc ofa hoar!

 

by evil_d
6-19-02
Psst! Hey, kid! You want some of these?
How about you, officer? You want some? They're tasty and cheap!
Jeez... if they didn't want to buy any Priest Scout Cookies, they should have just said so.

 

by evil_d
7-05-02
Well I guess this ferocious dinosaur, which the South has cloned to fight for their side, is going to tear me limb from limb and then devour me.
That seems the only logical outcome of this cartoon.
Happy birthday!

 

by evil_d
7-11-02
No....
...that's better.

 

by evil_d
7-15-02
The captain has turned the "Oh fuck" light on. Please return your tray tables and seat backs to the upright position, and prepare for a horrible, flaming death.
If we're going to die, my last request is for some of the expensive shit you serve in first class!
Greetings, human. We have saved you from an untimely demise in order to perform scientific experiments on you. We trust you will be grateful enough not to object.
Never mind that! Where's my fucking drink?
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this.
That thing had better shoot space-whiskey.

 

by evil_d
7-16-02
Prepare to be amazed by my magic! I will now make this curtain disappear, leaving nothing but the brick wall behind it!
Goodness!
*ZZAP!*
Yikes! Maybe a little too strong....
*ZZAP!*
Close enough.

 

by evil_d
7-18-02
Oh, look, here's a slide of when we went to Chicago.
And here's one of the aftermath.
How many cities did you destroy on this trip, anyway?
Seven.
Oh hell, don't tell me you wrecked the Grand Canyon too.

 

by evil_d
8-12-02
It's weird, Pat. As soon as we hired the new guy, business at the St. Jude Shop dropped off sharply. I don't understand it....
Maybe you're not advertising enough.

 

by evil_d
8-13-02
So, um, I'm sorry, but I can't pay back all that money I owe you... please don't beat me up!
Bongo, Bongo, you surprise me. To think that in this day and age, a man such as myself would stoop to physical violence to resolve a dispute!
Oh, thank god!
I mean, really. We have robots for that now.

 

by evil_d
8-15-02
I'd like to know just who you parrot-fuckers think you are, stealing our money and scuttling our ship like that!
Arrr, ye got quite a tongue on ye! I like that in a wench!
We worked hard to earn that gold and build that ship, and now it's all been taken away by a bunch of long-haired, peg-legged, English-mangling, scurvy thieves!
Ye best watch what ye say, woman, lest I make ye suck the plank!
I'm sure you mean WALK....... I'll be quiet now.

 

by evil_d
8-15-02
Shiver me timbers! Shiver me timbers! *squawk!* *squawk!*
Arr, matey! Prepare to walk the plank! Arr, matey! *squawk!*
Looks like an iceberg! Looks like an iceberg! *squawk!* *squawk!*

 

by evil_d
8-15-02
Avast, ye scurvy landlubber! Yo ho ho and bring me a bottle of rum, before I keel-haul ye like a common stowaway!
There you go, sir.
By the way, I can't help noticing that you seem to have a steering wheel in your pants.
Aye, I know! It's drivin' me nuts!

 

by evil_d
8-16-02
So, Mr. Bluebeard. How's your first day as a dishwasher going?
Avast, matey! Know ye that there lies a treasure trove of silver down in the galley, ripe for the plunderin'?
I assume you're referring to our silverware. Would this have anything to do with the bulges in your pockets?
'Tis too much for one man to carry out alone! I'll return shortly with me maties!
In that case, *I'll* return shortly with the police.
AAAAAAAAARR!!! Me new treasure has a bit of a tooth, it seems. Be there a doctor aboad this ship?

 

by evil_d
8-17-02
Matt, I was very surprised at your low score on this morning's grammar test. Where did you learn to speak so poorly?
Avast! Be ye offendin' me Pirate-American heritage?
Pirate-American? Don't be ridiculous. You were talking like a normal person yesterday.
Normal person, say ye? Be assured the school board will hear of this, ye scurvy wench!
The Oakland School Board voted unanimously today to recognize "Pirate-Americans" as a separate ethnic group...
...including pirates, descendents of pirates, people who play pirates at Disneyland, and anyone who's ever stolen anything.

 

by evil_d
8-21-02
Just a few more! And then when the enemy advances on us, they'll be blown to smithereens!
Man, I'm a fucking genius. I don't know why nobody else thought to plant land mines in this

 

by evil_d
8-23-02
I shouldn't have bought so many groceries. How am I going to carry all this stuff home by myself?
TOBOR WILL HOLD CORN FOR YOU!!!!!!!

 

by evil_d
9-04-02
...and when I walked into the supermarket, who should I see but Mr. Williams, my old English teacher!
You mean *former* English teacher.
No, he was pretty old.

 

by evil_d
9-04-02
...so the four of us decided to check out the new club, and we ran into Jack Davis, that gay little man who used to live down the street.
Don't you think "merry" would be a better word choice?
I don't know; he was acting pretty gay when we saw him in the club.

 

by evil_d
9-04-02
...so I stopped into the drugstore for a Coke, and it turns out they've still got the same soda jerk that worked there when I was a kid.
"Soda jerk" is an outdated term. Nowadays it's more correct to call them "servers" or "waitpersons".
But he was such a huge jerk.

 

by evil_d
9-04-02
I really hate walking past the Thompsons' house. They always let that noisy bitch they've got run loose in the yard.
What a distasteful term. Can't you just say "dog"?
Who said anything about a dog?

 

by evil_d
9-04-02
Here are your friends, hanging out and having a good time. And here's you, sitting at home alone, bored.
Because you smoked weed and your parents found out.
This ad paid for by the Your Parents Are Dicks Campaign.

 

by evil_d
9-16-02
Hello, I'm sub_m7. Welcome to my party, which 60 - 70 % of you nerds have never been to. May I offer you some herbal refreshment?
Uh, no thanks. So, hey, there's gonna be a band later, right?
The point of the original is not really represented in your last comment. So, which of my many websites do you like the most?
Oh, I get it. This is the "human-like chat bot". Pretty clever! Okay, where's the real sub_m7?
*sniff*

 

by evil_d
9-16-02
Hey, did you go to sub_m7's party last night?
No. I tried to, but it turned out no one could get in unless you were friends with someone who was already inside!
Oh. Well, I guess that's what he gets for letting Geocities host his party.

 

by evil_d
9-16-02
Hi, I'm sub_m7 aka sub_TAF aka subjektTonArtFilm aka PerfACT. Glad you could make it to my poetry reading. Tonight's first piece is "ode to (stupid) ppl".
Poetry reading? I thought this was a party. Shit, I'm outta here.
*ahem* "i am a nice guy / yes i am / if you were a nice girl / we'd be the same"
What gives? Why am I strapped to this chair? What is this thing, anyway?
Poetry appreciation chair. I got it from some passing Vogons.
Shit.

 

by evil_d
9-16-02
I'm sorry, sub4ema or whoever you are, but we're not having sex. You're just not my type.
Too bad you don't have a choice! This party is on the site of a secret illegal gay spot!
Open up! We know you're in there!
Come out with your pants up!
Fuck, it's the cops! We've got to -- okay, why the hell am I strapped in *this* time?
Sodomy appreciation chair.

 

by evil_d
9-17-02
Gee, sub, it's a shame none of your internet friends could make it to the party. Now they'll probably never believe you're really dating me.
Yeah. But at least you're here, BITCH!
Wh-what did you call me? *sob*
Hey, wait! Didn't you notice the EXTREMELY FRIENDLY AND NON-AGGRESSIVE style I called you a bitch in?

 

by evil_d
9-17-02
So, Mr. Fuzzybear, I'd have to say that one of my greatest achivements was inventing the 4-state m_use bit. It has four states: 1, 0, -1, and infinite!
But how can you store four different values in a simple off or on bit? Doesn't that actually require two bits?
Fuck you, Mr. Fuzzybear.

 

by evil_d
9-18-02
I have seen the real faces of the attendees of this party! I think you are a 2-3 year old! Please leave!
Okay.
Wait! Come back so I can tell you how much I don't want you here! Did you know that you would sell your own dick for entertainment?
CRUNCH CRUNCH

 

by evil_d
9-18-02
You might as well confess, Horse. We know you did it.
What's your evidence?
We found Doritos in the victim's stomach! It's a known fact that you love Doritos!
So you're saying I forced him to eat my favorite food before I killed him.
He also had Quaker Oats stuffed up his nose.
Who doesn't love the smell of oats in the morning?

Showing page 5.

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