All comics by graykane

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by graykane
3-06-04
Dude, let me hold your sword.
It's military issue. I can't allow it out of my sight.
You're blind. It's already out of your sight. Come on. I just want to feel how heavy it is.
What's happening? And what's that smell?
I'm pissing on your leg. Good thing you're wearing a military-issue towel. Come on. I just want to feel the sword.
You may very well get your wish.

 

by graykane
3-07-04
Check!
What are you doing?
I'm getting ready for you to say "mate"

 

by graykane
3-07-04
Who goes there: Republican or Democrat?
¡î Ç廪ÃÀÔº¼Ó
¡î Ç廪ÃÀÔº¼Ó
Fucking Democrat.

 

by graykane
3-07-04
I've been expecting you.
And that's how I ended up in a Moroccan prison.
That made no sense.

 

by graykane
3-07-04
And that's how I ended up in a Moroccan prison.
That's the saddest story I've ever heard. You know, each night I lie awake looking at that giant banana in the sky, and I wonder if I'm ever going to get out of here.
Whatch you in for?
What's a monkey ever in for? More monkeys get locked up each year than go to college. I tell you what, though: if I ever get out of here, I'm going to get that banana in the sky.

 

by graykane
3-07-04
Somewhere in Pakastani waters
Hey, look at this guy. His children will be the first generation to walk upright.
You've totally abandoned your culture. Who are you? You've given into the Western ideology. I bet now you think you're an American!
Watch out!
He has a bomb!

 

1
by graykane
3-07-04
I love you.
I am the dead. (*dies*)
I killed you with my the love?
(*dead gas puffs from lips*) yes
save alas the fish i cannot
I give you the mouth to mouth, but you are the fish.
(*body cools*)

 

2
by graykane
3-07-04
The plane debris has fallen the away from us. The soon we shall hit the cement and I will join you in your the slumber.
(*still dead*)
The sike?
(*starting to stink*)
The water has refreshed the life in you because you are the fish.
(*no*)

 

by graykane
3-07-04
Come on, baby. Manhandle my receiver. Rock the cradle of love.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
What am I going to wear tonight? I have nothing to wear. Oh yeah, that's because I'm a naked red dawg.
(*says into mirror*) Boy am I horny!!!
Satan throws the best parties.
Even though I'm reading your dialog box, doesn't mean I'm not aware that you're staring right at my package.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I need money!!!
Nobody expects a Spanish imposition.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I'm a psychic!!!
Nobody expects the Spanish intuition.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
took you long enough

 

by graykane
3-08-04
Quiero que me expliques que te tardó tanto.
I wasn't expecting a Spanish inquisition.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I feel strange.
What the fuck happened to me?
That was a weird daydream.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
Wake up!
(*still dead*)
I can't live without you.
(*coming to*) What happened?
(*gulp*) Sorry. Were you two engaged in a conversation?

 

by graykane
3-08-04

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I feel strange.
SHAZAM!!!
That was weird.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
this is cheesy

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I'm such a fag.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
Keep messing with me, and I'm going to shove this fist up your ass, buddy.
Go ahead. I dare you.
(*squish*) I'm Mister Hooper. I think I'm a tough guy because I run a grocery on Seasame Street. Blah Blah. Blah.
I dare you to do that again.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
Gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, We will make her one of us
Gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, We will make her one of us
Gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble, We will make her one of us
Freaks. Give me back my nursing uniform.
gabba gabba hey, we accept you, we accept you, one of us
one of us, one of us, one of us, one of us, one of us

 

by graykane
3-08-04
You're looking hot tonight.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I love these new realtor signs.
Yeah, well, finding work's been tough recently.
I think you're doing a magnificent job, sonny.
Thanks. Here, take my last flyer. This place is going for less than $200K.
Sweet Jesus!

 

by graykane
3-08-04
I love it when Alzheimer's patients eat office supplies and shit them in public. Hey, Mark, thanks for bringing your mom to the office.

 

by graykane
3-08-04
Hey, Dan. How are things at the office?
Hey, Mark, your mom ate all my office supplies and shit blood on my wall.

 

by graykane
3-09-04
TA DA! I've been born again-- this time from the bowels of hell.
Hey, Dan. How's she doing now?
Hey, Mark. Your mom just shit an Asian girl in my office.

 

by graykane
3-09-04
I saw Elvis in there.
Hey, Dan. Thanks for taking care of my mother today. An orderly from the Alzheimer's Clinic says he's outside the office waiting to pick her up.
Your mom just cacked out my secretary, & that's all I needed to get back to work. If she ever shits my office furniture, just send them to me. Thanks, Mark... Nice meeting you, Mrs Smith.

 

by graykane
3-10-04
Ow, now my peepee hurts.
Yes, holy water will do that. Is your bum better? Did the cross leave any splinters?
You should really KY the Christ.
Plus He's so big! After last Sunday, I couldn't walk for three days.
Can't take the Christ in big doses? Casual Christians!!! In Catholic school, we used to take the Christ three or four times a day, up-hill both ways. DP INRI with sword swallowing nuns.

 

by graykane
3-11-04
Damn, woman, you're the next September 11. In all of US history, there ain't never been an attack of this magnitude against an erection.
So you think I've got a killer pussy, huh?
I think the next man who has intercourse with you will be sliding his schlong into Jimmy Hoffa's corpse.

 

by graykane
3-11-04
Spin on the pole! Spin on the pole! Spin on the pole! Spin on the pole! Spin on the pole! Spin on the pole!
Dream
Oh my, I'm in love with his astute assertiveness.
Reality
Bruno, toss his balls out the door and see if he chases after them.

 

by graykane
3-11-04
Hey, I think we're getting replaced with those sophisticated French circuses. We need to change our act if we're going to compete.
You're talking to an adult here. "Sophisticated" is just a code word for "sexual" when talking in front of kids. So, you like the French sex circuses, eh?
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Wringling Circockus proudly presents...
"Lolitas and Dwarves: an Exploration in Sensuality"

 

by graykane
3-14-04
Why do you hurt so much?
Even her number on my caller ID hurts. I have 2 ex's trying to contact me because they still love me. A 21yr old alcoholic bartender's interested in me, but I don't want that life again.
And then SHE keeps calling, for purely innocent reasons. I can't answer the phone, and she's totally unaware of what she does to me. I have no chance with her, and she's the only one I want.
I've hit the bottle pretty hard over the past few days, and I'm ashamed of my dangerous game with myself, my tempting myself to return to such a horrible life.
I love this girl talk.
Me, too. Le'ts have a pillow fight.

 

by graykane
3-14-04
Do you think Kevin Smith ripped the idea for Dogma from Good Omens?
"Ripped" is awfully derogatory. Maybe if Dogma were a turd, I'd say yes. But I'm going to have to say that Kevin Smith is paying homage to Neil Gamon & Terry Pratchet's masterpiece.
Do you think I look like Matt Damon?
You look more like a fat John Travolta in "Michael."
I keep forgeting that we're at war.
Want to come over for a sleep over? We'll have a pillow fight.

 

by graykane
3-15-04
Daddy, can I spend the night in Hell? Demon Don invited me over for a sleep over.
For the last time, I may be your "Heavenly Father," but I ain't your "Daddy," and please tell those little Asian girls that I ain't their "Sugar Daddy" neither.
wangs
dongs
Daddy, I mean "Heavenly Father," commanded that I can't look at your dirty magazines while I'm down here.
Dude, you're blind. That's not a commandment. He's just stating the obvious.

 

by graykane
3-16-04
Hello, this is Satan. Is Jesus there? Is this the Asian twins? I've heard a lot about you, too. Yes, $5 is a good deal. Can I speak with Big Daddy Jesus? Yes, I'll hold.
Hello? This is Jesus.
For the last time, please don't call me Big Daddy in front of the girls. I'm having a tough enough time with them already.
I'm going to call you Pimp Daddy if you keep sending your little angels down here for "sleepovers." Fat Travolta had my minions playing house fer chrissakes! I told them only boy games from now on.
Hide & seek's too easy for you against little ole blind me. Let's play "hot lava." You'll like it: it's sort of forbidden in Heaven. We spit as much as we can on the slide, & then...
At the top we wrestle to knock each other down the spit-filled slide? Is that how you play it in Heaven? Here in Hell we use a 20-foot razor & jackoff on it. OK, I'm game. Whip it out, towel boy.

 

by graykane
3-19-04
Meanwhile, at the Lauderdale Yacht Club...
here's the toothpick you requested, sir.
what, did you pull that out of a club sandwich?
actually, i withdrew it from an orange peel in a Mai Tai, or more specifically, a patron pulled it out and stabbed it into my thigh.
i see the kkk grand wizzard has a pension for exotic fruity drinks. does he like the Hawaiians like he enjoys their drinks?
yep. in a blender.

 

by graykane
3-21-04
if i had a dick, i'd fuck you.
correction: if you had a dick, you'd want to fuck me. ultimately, who fucks me is MY decision.
so, do you want to fuck me or not? i can't wait all night.

 

by graykane
3-27-04
You replaced one of my missing pawns whose absence would have given you an advantage, so as a reward, the judge gave you an extra pawn, which gives you the same advantage that you had corrected.
How do you think I feel: if that pawn leads to my winning the match, then automatically that win is contestable if not outright illegitimate.
That's the point, silly. This is a WWF tournament. He's not a judge, he's a ref. His objective is to rig the game in your favor so that mmyers & evil zak will take a chair upside your head.
I feel so much better now.
Yippee. I'll get the chair ready.

 

by graykane
3-28-04
It seems a meteor is going to hit D.C. at 2300 hours, Mr. President.
What sort of meteor deflection system do we have in place?
We have a method of redirecting meteors not just in space but in time. I never thought about it before, Mr. Bush, but you'll be the cause of the extinction of the dinosours.
I knew I'd go down in history. Begin DinoDeflection at will, Mr. Spock.
I always said that the President of the US should be elected by not merely Americans or even the rest of the conscious world but also by all inhabitants of earth at any given time in earth's history.
Too late now. Are you going to shotgun this tar-weed or just wait until we're all tar & get high from your liquified being?

 

by graykane
3-28-04
I feel weird.
Good shit, isn't it.
You know, when I read Western history & learned we became their crude oil, I didn't think Chevron pumped us out of the ground whole. Did you?
I did read about Taco Bell. So long as we're waiting for the Mobil guys to show up, let's go get a taco... Oooh, no, a chalupa!!!
Welcome to Taco Bell. Would you like to try a combo meal?
Hey, Trike. It's a trick from the oil industry. They're just trying to give us gas.

 

by graykane
3-28-04
I can't believe you wouldn't let me get that chalupa. I got the munchies bad, man.
Do you want Chevron customers swiping credit cards through your butt cheeks because they're trying to pay at the pump?
Bushy, there's a rumor that since we deflected that meteor, there are dinosaurs walking around D.C.
Well, let's do the one thing this administration does best: Bomb them back to the Stone Age. Dick, why does everthing bad have to happen during my regime?
Do you really want me to answer that?
Thank gosh Clarke resigned. He'd testify before the Dinosaur Commission that this administration wasn't concerned enough with stopping dinosaurs. I've been very concerned about stopping dinos, Dick.

 

by graykane
3-29-04
Nobody understands me, Trike. They think I was interested in killing dinosaurs only after Dino11, or that it's all about the oil. It's not all about the oil, Trike.
How about the gas? Is it about the gas? I want Taco Bell so bad, man. I'd sell my soul to the Smithsonian for a chalupa & some nachos if I didn't think I'd be farting my way into your gas tank.
Said to one of them African hunting tours, I want to slaughter me some saurs, & don't pass me off no Rhino neither. I've been snipe hunting once before, & this time I want to try something bigger.
Yeah, dinosaurs are totally easier to find than snipe. Trex took me snipe hunting once. I must have been traipsing round them bushes for days. Tell you what though, I took out this hadrosaur once.
You've stalked a dinosaur before?
Stalked? That's her side of the story. Let me tell you my side. It all started when...

 

by graykane
3-29-04
I was deep in the jungles of Panacea hunting the very dangerous and elusive snipe...
Are you a snipe?
Eat me.
when all of the sudden, I came across a hadrosaur.
Ughhhhhh!!!!
Do you always blow your load on strangers?
Did you see the three dildos on his head?
1 for my bummy, 2 for my cho, 3 tiddly my widdly, and I go, man, go!

 

by graykane
3-29-04
Did he rock your robin?
Tweet, twiddly tweet.
Now that you've released yourself on my leg, would you like to go on a date?
Shhhh. I'm enjoying this cigarette.
Look, you've kind of thrown yourself on me, or at least a part of yourself on me, & I'm feeling vulnerable now, so what are you going to do about it?
Right now? I can't decide if I want food or a nap.

 

by graykane
3-29-04
Welcome to "I Quiefed Red Meat Onto A Bun." Can I take your order?

 

by graykane
4-02-04
Would you play Twister with me?
You got it, buddy.
Whoops
This is not a doorknob. It's a sweaty ball stuck next to my eye.
Wangs.

 

by graykane
4-06-04
So these Jewish politicos all asked me, "Do you want to get stoned?" And like the idiot I was, I said, "I don't do drugs." And that's how I ended up crucified for the sins of man.
You mean, if man didn't sin with marijuana, then You would have never gotten crucified?
He means that if He were into drugs, we'd be making the sign of the stone. It would look like a wind-up pitch or something. Baseball would be sacreligious.
Who wants to watch the Yankees beat the Braves anymore anyway? And I think that's His point.
I think He's asking us to make a choice between getting stoned and getting wood.
Jesus I'm high!

 

by graykane
4-14-04
I finally get it. I finally comprehend the psychoanalytic reason for classifying everything in terms of "castration" or "lack."
No dongs.
Actually, part of who a person is pertains to that person's gender, but part of what defines that gender's anatomy is sex, which is not always present.
Sex is not always present? Wangs!
Except when you're having sex with another, part of what classifies you on the level of your existence as "male" or "female" is missing. You're an incomplete gender.
I'm a castrated lesbian. Will you uncastrate me?

 

by graykane
4-23-04
This is my grave collection. I steal famous bodies & rebury them here. This is Edgar Allen Poe. There's Jim Morrison. That's Dick Sugg. He's not famous, I just thought his name's too cool to pass up.
At the goth club, when you asked me to come home with you, I was expecting something else, like you wanted to show me your bedroom or something.
Okay, come on inside then.
Fool! Don't go inside the house!!! And don't eat the mints!!!
*shouts* Nice bedroom. Wow, that music's loud! Gregorian Chants, eh? Say, are those body-piercing tools on that altar?
*shouts* This queen sleeps only with Prince Albert, so drop your pants. We've got to pierce you before my vagina gets dry.

Showing page 5.

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