All comics by Savage

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by Savage
5-30-06
Wow. I can feel the creative juices flowing!
Oh, wait. I'd better go to the bathroom first.
Chapter One: "Someday, you will die." No, wait... "Remember when Grandma fell down and she never got up again? Death is like that." No...

 

by Savage
5-30-06
My fallow merkins, we shall remain in Iraq until we have reached an accordian agreement and there is harmonium in the streets."
I like this show. It's, it's like he's speaking directly to me! I wonder who he is?
As Thomas Jefferson said, "You can fool all of the people all of the time." We should remember these words and hold them closed to our hearts.
Ooh! A commercial! I love commercials!
Try new and improved So-porific! Washes those nasty blood stains clean out! They won't even be a memory!

 

by Savage
6-03-06
When you die, your family will probably do one of two things to your corpse.
Either they will bury you, and worms will eat you. You won't mind, though, unless you aren't really dead. Then it could be unpleasant.
Or they will cremate you, which means they will burn you. Even if you aren't really dead, after a while, you will be, so this can be better than being buried.

 

by Savage
6-11-06
Hmm... Maybe I should stop writing and eat something. I'm awfully hungry.
I wish I could remember how to make a grilled cheese sandwich. There should be a way to get instuctions on how to cook--hey!
What is it, Ed?
Fred, get out the industrial-strength grease cleaner and open the windows. We're going to be doing some cooking!

 

by Savage
6-20-06
Hello? Is anybody here?
Who's that, Ed?
It's the person I called. She's going to help us!
Help us do what, Ed?
Help us become famous, Fred!

 

by Savage
8-31-06
Well, so you boys want to write a book? Let's see what you have so far...
This is so exciting! Ideas keep bursting out of me! Want to hear some of them?
I can hear you, and smell you. If you're going to do that, do it outside.
Sorry. I think it's from the sardine-sauerkraut surprise my brother made us for lunch.
Try not to speak.
I wonder if she'll go out with me?

 

by Savage
8-31-06
It's been so long since I've seen the boys. I wonder what they're up to?
Mom!
Hello, Fred. I just came over to see how you were--since you're too BUSY to visit your parents...
Oh Mom... Come inside; Booze Barn was having a sale on bourbon and I bought six cases. Three of them are for you and Dad!
You're a good son, Fred.

 

by Savage
8-31-06
I'll make us Manhattans!
That's fine. So, what are you and Ed up to these days?
We're writing a book!
What kind of a book?
Ed says it's called a bestseller.
It's not going to be one of those "Mommy Dearest" books, is it?

 

by Savage
8-31-06
Another pitcher of Manhattans, Mom?
Shanks--I mean, thanks.
So, how is Dad doing? Still trying to perfect that pinto bean beer?
Sure. What else does he ever do, huh? Ish not like he has any time for me--I mean, a woman has needs--know whaa I'm sayin'?
Uhm...
Hey! M'damn pisher's empty again! Jess gimmee bottle with straw--'k?

 

by Savage
8-31-06
Damn vermouth must have gone off.
Maybe we should switch to gin, huh?
I'm sorry I unloaded there on you. Your father is a good man; he's just not as romantic as I am.
Well, I guess maybe that's true about guys in general, Mom.
It's partly my fault. I just haven't been myself since Barry White died.

 

by Savage
9-10-06
"...when you die, worms eat your eyes..." WTF?
I know it could benefit from a little editing. Just tell me what to do.
You don't want to know what I think you should do with this manuscript, Freakboy.
What do you think about the cremation part?
Oh my god...
She's speechless with delight!

 

by Savage
9-14-06
Hi Dad!
Well, here I am. Where's your mother?
Dad! You're standing on her!
Drat that woman! Always underfoot!
Mom, are you all right?
Get up, Honeybunch. We'll go home and I'll make you a nice Manhattan.

 

by Savage
9-30-06
Oh, my head! What happened?
Don't you fret, honeybunch. Just get in the truck and I'll take you home.
And where the hell is my drink?
What drink?
You drank it, didn't you? You old souse!
Aww...

 

by Savage
10-20-06
Hey Ed, Guess what?
The rash cleared up?
Not yet. But hey, it's almost Halloween! What should we be?
Damn. Nearly slipped my mind, what with writing the book and all. Well, there's always the horsey costume.
I won't have to be the rear end again, will I?
When you find something you're good at, Fred, it's best to stick with it.

 

by Savage
10-24-06
I think Halloween is almost here.
So @*&%$#*what!
I just thought we should decide what we're going to be.
I don't know about you, but I've already decided.
What are you going to be for Halloween?
Drunk.

 

by Savage
10-27-06
Hey Ed, guess what? I found some of last year's Halloween candy in my goody bag.
Well don't eat it, Fred. It's probably all fossilized and disgusting by now.
Well what should I do with it then?
Put it in the little bowl by the front door.
Why, Ed?
That one's for the stupid teenagers who show up without a costume.

 

by Savage
10-27-06
Look at all this mail, Ed. What does it mean?
Those are election day flyers, Fred.
Election day? What's that?
That's a day when we go and vote for people who will tell us what to do.
Ooh! I want to do that!
Well, we're going to have to drink a little less on Halloween. Last election, we were passed out until mid-November.

 

by Savage
10-30-06
Ed, I don't like our Halloween costume.
What's the matter with being a horsey?
It's just that you always get to be the front half. It's not fair.
That's what you call 'tradition," Fred.
Well, last year, 'tradition' nearly choked me to death.
Sorry about that, bro'. This year, I'll save the bean dip and corn chips for afterwards.

 

by Savage
10-30-06
Is it time to put on our costume, Ed?
Almost, little brother. Say, what's that smell?
Oh, I'm deep frying a turkey, for after trick or treating.
Uh, it smells like it's burning. Let's go check the kitchen.

 

by Savage
10-30-06
So, I guess we have to find a new place to live.
Yes Fred, and we have to restock the bar.
What bar, Ed? Grandpa's bar burned up.
Focus, man. I mean the bottles.
I'm kind of thirsty Ed. I finished all the bourbon in my paper bag.
Let's go to Liquor Land and stock up on Maker's and 40's.

 

by Savage
10-30-06
Welcome to Burger Joy, the home of the Happy Happy Joy Joy burger. What would bring you Joy?
? My brother and I just want some triple cheesburgers and some fries. We already have our own drinks.
Sorry. The cocksuckers I work for make me say that stupidass phrase.
Oh. Well, I would be happy if you could give me some ice. Our drinks are kind of warm.
Sure. Would you like a Happyland Motherfucking Sundae with that? And is the order for here, or to go?
Uhm, no thanks, and to go, if that's all right with you. Please don't hurt me. I'm my elderly mother's sole booze supplier.

 

by Savage
10-30-06
Okay now, Sally. Ma and me are having a Halloween party. I'll need your help.
Uh, sure, boss. What do you want me to do?
Well first off, I need you to gather up every prairie dog you can find. It takes a heap 'o prairie dog to make a decent pile of pate.
Can do, boss! Anything else?
Round up every spare chair, and check on the still . The pinto bean-jalapeno bourbon should be almost done.
Woot!

 

by Savage
10-31-06
His manly hands caressed her heaving bosom...
Good afternoon, Mistress.
Oh holy ever suffering crap. Just when I was getting into the romance writing groove.
Do you know what today is?
The day I wished I'd never been born? Oh wait, that would be every day.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
It's Halloween!
Yeah? So?
So we should dress up. Preferably as one of our deepest fantasies.
Uh, I should really go clip my toenails now.
Voila!
Oh my God!

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Okay, so now what?
Sorry, Mistress. I didn't know he was an undercover cop.
Well, if you hadn't offered--
Hey! This is just a Halloween costume, okay?
Sorry. Wait, a truck is coming our way.
Pull up your habit and smile.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Well now, what is that?
Yoo-hoo!
I knew I should have never left home.
Hey! Y'all got any vodka?
Nobody knows how to RSVP these days.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Mine! All mine.
Uh-oh.
What are you doing here? Get back in the barn!
Oh shit.
Now! Move it!

 

by Savage
10-31-06
I'm thirsty.
Be cool.
Woo-hoo!
Shut up.
Excuse me. Is this the open house?
Z*vbl%#st

 

by Savage
10-31-06
I can't believe I let you talk me into this again, after what happened last year.
I'm telling you, ghosts will walk tonight.
Sure. Right after monkeys fly out of my butt.
I heard about a guy that happened to.
Shut up before I kill you.
Mom and Dad adopted you.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Soon we will land on earth.
We will make the high commander proud.
We will enslave the humans.
I want to start with that red haired one they call "Lucy."
The human's television signals have proved useful.
Yes. How else would we have learned of that wonderful food called a "Big Mac."

 

by Savage
10-31-06
What the @*#!?
In the name of the planet %Vsr8, I take you prisoner.
Yeah. Right. Where's your stupid brother, Ed--or is it Fred? Never mind. I'll just call you "Moron."

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Hey! I thought we agreed not to dress up this year.
Fine. Don't talk to me. I'm going to go steal some tequila.
Halt, Earthling.
Oh great. One of the idiots has arrived. Get lost, Fred. Or Ed. Whatever.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Now you are mine, Earthling.
What did you do to me?
Nothing yet. Lucy. Heh-heh.
?

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Oh no! When our house burned up, so did our Halloween costume.
Don't cry, little brother. We can still go trick-or-treating.
Without costumes? Isn't that cheating?
We'll just tell people the candy is for our sick little sister.
We don't have a little sister, Ed.
Maybe we'd better make it two sisters, so we get enough candy.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Hey, cutie! Wanna dance?
Leave me alone!
I wanted to be Harry Potter, but the costume shop was all out.
We were supposed to come in costume?
No one would give us candy, so it's a good thing mom and dad were throwing a Halloween party!
Yeah. You mingle, while I search the barn for dad's secret 'shine stash.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Hi! I don't think we've met. I'm Fred Wanker, the host's son.
Ah, just the man I wanted to meet.
Really?
Yes. How about a game of chess?
?

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Uh...
Bwahahahaa!
Why don't I have hardly any pieces left?

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Bwahahaa! Another soul is mine!
Well, I am a lot better at checkers. Say, would you like some of my mom's prairie dog pate?
Uh, sure. Okay.
It's really good on these freeze-dried turnip chips.
Aargh! Can't. Breathe. Need. To. Throw. Up...
Oh, that happens a lot. Here, wash it down with some of Dad's pinto bean bourbon.

 

by Savage
10-31-06
Doctor, will my friend be okay?
I think so. We had to do a transplant to save him.
Transplant? What kind of transplant?
Oh, just a few essential organs. I mean, the guy was practically an empty shell. In fact, a nurse came and harvested part of your brain for him-- while you were napping.

 

by Savage
11-07-06
Hey Ed, guess what? It's Election Day! Are you gonna vote?
Of course, Fred. How about you?
Oh, I already voted, seven times.
You voted seven times? How did you manage to do that?
To be continued...
You know that big family who used to live across the street? The ones who left right before the SWAT team arrived?
Oh yeah. They always gave the best parties--but what does that have to do with voting?

 

by Savage
11-07-06
Fred continues the story...
Well, even though the EPA put up all those hazardous waste signs, Granny West still delivers mail there.
Well, she's usually pretty drunk. She always shares her booze, too. I love a woman in uniform.
So anyway, when their absentee ballots showed up, I filled them out and sent them in.
Who did they vote for?
I dunno. I just randomly checked off stuff on each one. I didn't want their votes to go to waste.
I'm proud of you, Bro. You are a good citizen.

 

by Savage
11-07-06
Ed, voting absentee is not enough. I want to go to the polls with you, and vote!
I don't know if you can do that, Fred.
Sure I can, Ed. How do the poll workers know if I've already voted?
That's right! They don't even ask for ID. We could say we were anybody.
I like voting, Ed. Let's do it now.
Yeah, let's see how many polling places we can hit before we pass out!

 

by Savage
11-07-06
This is fun, Ed! Who did you vote for this time?
I think it was that guy that played Tarzan in the movies.
I think I voted for that other guy.
Yeah, what's his name, again?
I dunno, but I think he played Cheeta.
I love the movies.

 

by Savage
11-07-06
Hi there. Have you seen my brother?
No. But I have an important piece of advice for you. Everyone you could possibly vote for is self-serving, venal, and corrupt. But a man must do the best he can with whatever he has.
Uh-huh. So what is your advice?
Vote drunk; vote often.
Oh, I've already got that covered! I've voted 46 times already, and I'm always drunk!
You make me weep with joy. Say, do you have any bourbon? I just ran out.

 

by Savage
11-07-06
I'm feeling a little woozy after voting 114 times, Ed. Could we get some lunch?
There's a little vodka left in my bag, Fred--you can have it.
...rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
What's that rumbling noise, Ed?
I dunno, but it sounds like it's coming our way.
Wow! I feel good! What is this, Ed?
It's the patriotic feeling you get after you vote, little brother. I love my country.

 

by Savage
11-08-06
Ed, I don't want to spend the night here. It's scary.
Well, you burned down our house.
It was an accident. Can't we get another house?
We already have. We get the keys tomorrow. Come on, I'll show you the house. It's right next door.

 

by Savage
11-14-06
That's our new house? Oh no!
Aw, come on, bro. It's not so scary. There hasn't been a murder there in several years.
Oh Ed, I don't like it. Maybe we should move in with Mom and Dad.
Don't be such a wuss! It's a great house. It's got a built-in bar that seats twenty four, a huge wine cellar, and an ice-making machine.
Oh Ed. I can't wait for tomorrow, when we get the keys to our dream house!
Me too, Fred.

 

by Savage
12-09-06
Ed, I'm so happy to be moving into our new house!
Yeah, it's going to be great!
Ed, why is the door boarded up?
Probably a security measure, bro. Keeps the riffraff out. Let's go inside.

 

by Savage
12-09-06
I don't like this wallpaper, Ed.
Don't worry, Fred. We can always redecorate.
I'd like a trampoline, Ed.
Whatever you want, little brother. I'm tired. Goodnight.
How did that bird get in here?

 

by Savage
12-14-06
Oh! Hi there, mister. Who are you?
I...vant...to...drink--
Oh, well sure. We haven't unpacked yet, but here, have a swig from mine.
Ssssss--aargh...
Sorry. It's a little harsh. Dad makes it himself, from jalapenos.

Showing page 6.

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