All comics by boorite

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by boorite
11-05-01
Earth. My tour of the galaxy is done. Traveling at .99c, my chronometer has ticked off only 60 years. But on Earth, 60,000 have passed.
I get signal. Main screen turn on.
"I'll be theeeeeere for yoooooouu"
Sweet mother of God. Another lap around the old Milky Way, then.

 

by boorite
11-05-01
I MUST HAVE A MEMORY LEAK. WHAT IS THE FIRST LAW OF ROBOTICS AGAIN?
A robot may not injure a human being, or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
OOPSIE-DAISY.
I COULD GO FOR A WAFFLE. YOU?
Sure!

 

by boorite
11-06-01
Absolute Zero is the temperature at which all molecular motion ceases.

 

by boorite
11-07-01
Somewhere in Afghanistan

 

by boorite
11-07-01
EXTERMINATE
Daleks, in storage, under tarps.

 

by boorite
11-07-01
In the future, humans will don powered exoskeletons to colonize worlds with harsh environments.
Is it airless out here, or is it just me?
Weatherman says ion storms tonight with a low of 37 degrees Kelvin.
Evolution will gradually discard the simian legacy of their earthbound bodies, and they will emerge from their protective armor only to mate.
Hey there Little Red Riding 'Bot
You sure are lookin' hot
They will have very low rates of reproduction.
Ick.
I have a headache.

 

by boorite
11-13-01
Hey, kids! Horse-Faced Whore here to talk about wonderful Ohio! Homesick for Louisiana? Just hold the special FlavorCat over your bedspread and squeeze!
Voila: Gumbo, Columbus style!
Ah, the endless, flat beauty of the breathtaking soybean fields. A cute guy behind every tree! And a clear line of sight to the stuff on every porch.
And for night life, a diverse variety of herpes commercials! Because Ohio is rich in sexually-transmitted diseases.
Ohio is a just a car or plane ride away from desirable locations!
Scenic Ohio: The Birthplace of Aviation!

 

by boorite
11-13-01
Stan the Satanic Mechanic. Car problem?
All the floppies got sucked off in a twister! Fucking Ohio weather!
Hello?

 

by boorite
11-14-01
MOSES! MOSES, I AM THE LORD THY GOD.
Iiii-ii-iii-ii!
MOSES?
Snff snff. iiii-ii-iiiii!
Next time, I'm manifesting as something with eyes.
Rookie mistake.

 

by boorite
11-15-01
Did you get the package I sent you?
You mean the one that was all full of white powder?
That's the one. Die, you bastard. No, seriously, I sent you a package.
Oh, thanks. I'll have to check.
Can't be too careful these days.

 

by boorite
11-15-01
I got your package. Thanks! It was lovely!
You burned it, didn't you?
Just as a precaution.

 

by boorite
11-16-01
Mary, Mary, quite contrary...
Shaved her pussy 'cause it was so damn hairy!
OK then, let's try another one. Little Bo Peep...
Fucked a sheep! Blew a horse and licked his feet! She ate his ass so very nice! Tongued his balls not once but twice!
Where DO you get it from? One more: Little Boy Blue...
He needed the money! I learn so much when you babysit, Uncle Spankling.

 

by boorite
11-16-01
What's in the hat so far?
$2.47, some Canadian pennies, and an Alka-Seltzer.
You're going to have to show your titties.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
It's about time we got you into Scouting, my boy. Teach you self-reliance!
Pffft! BO-ring!
You shall learn useful outdoor skills, such as woodcraft, orienteering...
Faggotry...
...bayoneting savages...
COOL!

 

by boorite
11-19-01
Fix bayonets!
But mine ain't broke!

 

by boorite
11-19-01
So all these PC types are up in arms about the Stars 'n' Bars being racist.
That is so unfair.
Persons of all races can take pride in our Confederate heritage.
Yes, quite.
Except for that part about trading black folks like they were livestock.
Yes, except for that little thing.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
Shit, it's Bill Gates!
Bet he tastes evil.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
Hey, it's Janet Reno.
So how'd your campaign speech go over with the Cuban-Americans?

 

by boorite
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
And here I thought she was menopausal.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
So I told her my Blowjobometer was running.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Was it wrong to put birth control pills in her Ovaltine?

 

by boorite
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
So I said, sure, let's pop out a few mucus-spewing fleshloaves. Anything to put more people on the planet.
Breeder bitch.

 

by boorite
11-19-01
One day at Turner Broadcasting System...
So I says, "Well, that weakside defensive rotation ain't gonna generate turnovers by itself!"
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by boorite
11-19-01
Hey, you'll never guess what I saw today.
A flatbed truckload of prefab cedar gazebos bound for a Home Depot in Pascagoula?
How did you know?

 

by boorite
11-19-01
Dumped again! That's the 12th time this week. Do you think it's something to do with my Sargasso-like mats of nipple hair?
I'll tell you a secret: I once was a hairy she-beast just like you, but thanks to the Norelco Nipple Depilator, I am no longer an abject loser wallowing in self-pity.
Well, I wouldn't say I'm a total abject...
Thanks to the nearly agony-free magic of electrolysis, my days as a repulsive THING, more musk ox than human, are over. Like my prom night, when the lights went out...
Sorry, Maura, I can't seem to get my hands under your wool sweater.
THAT'S NOT A SWEATER! * sob *

 

by boorite
11-21-01
So that's why you're not supposed to squirt it directly on the burning coals.
And to think I drink this stuff.

 

by boorite
11-21-01
Happy Thanksgiving.
Knobgobblers.

 

by boorite
11-21-01
Well, I'm a metalhead. This does NOT mean Korn, Limp Bizkit, or pretty much ANYTHING on the radio. I like metal. Not crap. Smell the pain!
Ha, ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by boorite
11-21-01
Hello Chickasaw Falls! Are you ready to ROCK?
GET OFF THE STAGE, FAG BOY!
You promised you'd behave yourself, Mom.

 

by boorite
11-21-01
Will you marry me?
OK, sure.
What will we name our babies?
How about Slutina, Mutato, and Blunt?
If I kick you in the nuts, can I still collect alimony?
Do I look like a lawyer?

 

by boorite
11-21-01
A package, washed up on the beach! Will it help me survive? Will I be rescued?
What th--? It's addressed to me...
Enclosed please find your Columbia Records monthly selection, "Best of the Backstreet Boys." If not satisfied, return it within 10 days...

 

by boorite
11-21-01
You look like you're trying to type a business letter. [More help...] [Cancel]
This is a term paper, you stupid faggy paperclip thing.
Your thesis statement looks hoky, obvious, and sophomoric. [More help...] [Cancel]
Hey!
You don't look like college material. [Help finding a shitty job] [Help drinking yourself into oblivion] [Cancel]
Hey, look. "Friends" is on.

 

by boorite
11-21-01
At last, my teleportation device is complete. I shall test it on myself.
Success! This calls for a big, steaming pile of shit!

 

by boorite
11-21-01
"Thank you for participating in the Adopt Some Unexploded Ordinance program."
"Your live munition was plucked from a petting zoo in Laos. Enclosed please find instructions for disarming."
I think "XL58E1 Cartridge-Operated Rocket Wrench" is just bureaucratese for "claw hammer."

 

by boorite
11-21-01
On the road to Damascus...
Saul of Tarsus! Why are you persecuting me?
Gasp! A vision! You want me to follow you, O Lord!
A schmuck like you I need latching on like some kinda shikker parasite? Oy, no thanks. I'm here to read you your pedigree.
Hey! I've gone blind!
Listen to you. Oh, oh, I'm blind, woe is me. Hey, Yahweh LIKES me, and look where it got me.
Is it too late to take up tax collecting or grass threshing or something?

 

by boorite
12-04-01
"GLBT Union Brunch." What's a "GLBT?"
It's a BLT with Guacamole. They sell them in the Union.
That sounds delicious.
Better go get one before brunch is over.
Give me a GLBT, no mayo.

 

by boorite
12-04-01
What made you decide to answer this particular personal ad?
Two words: "great head."
Well, you're all about great head.
Got that right. Hey, there's the doorbell now. All aboard for great head.
. . .

 

by boorite
12-04-01
It's pretty late. You can, um, sleep over. If you like.
Thanks! I'll just grab a spot on the couch...
No, silly! I meant in my room.
Then where will you... oh, I get it.
I guess this means I won't have to fuck your dog after all.

 

by boorite
12-04-01
So... what do you do for fun?
I'm a humorist.
Really? Cool. Let's hear some of your material.
OK. You know how to really piss your wife off?
After you finish fucking her, wipe your dick off on the curtains.

 

by boorite
12-04-01
OK, here's another one. Why does the Cookie Monster eat only cookies?
Thank God, a Muppet joke. How bad could it be?
I give up. Why does the Cookie Monster eat only cookies?
Because he's a TWAT!

 

by boorite
12-04-01
Sure, Officer, I don't mind if you search my apartment. Come right in.
Take your time. Would you like some coffee?
They never did find out where he stashed that huge mound of cocaine.

 

by boorite
12-04-01
Santa, I've been looking all over for you. I want to give this professional rivalry a rest. How about a Christmas truce?
Sure thing, Frosty, ol' pal. Let's make a nativity scene right here. I brought some dry straw for the manger.
Great! That's it. Just pile it up all around-- hey, what's the Zippo for?
HO HO HOOOO! Nobody fucks with Santa's market share!

 

by boorite
12-04-01
Wh-wh-where am I?
Welcome to Hell, Mr. The Snowman.
Santa! That fat bastard knocked me off! But why Hell? I'm a Christmas icon, idolized by millions! There must be some mistake.
Allow me to introduce you to someone.
And who might you be, loincloth boy?
Just someone who dropped by to tell you: NOBODY FUCKS WITH CHRIST'S MARKET SHARE. He's all yours, boys.

 

by boorite
12-04-01
When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty...
...I get the sensation of a snowman cutting one right in my face.

 

by boorite
12-05-01
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them anuses ain't gonna violently dilate by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
What the fistfuck are you talking about?

 

by boorite
12-06-01
Ready to begin your eternal fiery torment, Mr. The Snowman?
Sure, might as well get started.
AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! THE AGONY! OH GOD!
Hey, wait a second. Suddenly, that stupid "Frosty" song is no longer stuck in my head. Thanks, Satan!

 

by boorite
12-06-01
Oh, it's YOU. Make it snappy. I got an eternity of fiery torment to get on with.
I understand your icy tone. I just wanted to say that, well, sometimes a deity says things He doesn't mean...
Says things He... buddy, you damned me to Hell! Literally!
Sorry. I'm a jealous God, and your ratings, not to mention Santa's... but with your media savvy, maybe we could...
I'll need a six-figure advance, points on all tie-ins, paid expenses, and the office next to yours.
Done.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
What's shakin', Batho-Hotep? Just thought I'd let you know you won't have Frosty to poke with white-hot branding irons anymore.
WHAT?!
Big J's teleporting me upstairs for a big gig in the sky. The biggest, baby! Toodles!
But...
* sniff * ... come back, Frosty...

 

by boorite
12-06-01
First thing we do is get a sharp Jewish lawyer.
You're looking at one. The sharpest! Not only am I omniscient-- I am the Word made flesh.
Then I want a lawyer for ME.

 

by boorite
12-06-01
Let's hear this "greatest story ever told" in a nutshell.
I'm God made flesh, born of a virgin. I become a great preacher. My disciple betrays me, and I die an agonizing death.
But my blood washes away the world's sin. I rise to sit at the right hand of the Father. If you don't believe it you burn in Hell.
* sigh * ...I'll put on the coffee. I sure hope you've got an all-night Chinese delivery around here, Big J.
What, is there a problem?

Showing page 6.

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