All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
9-19-02
I just flew in from Vegas, and boy, are my arms tired!
Take my wife -- please!
Man, is this thing working?
This thing is.

 

by evil_d
9-23-02
Why is the Fourth of July?
Because J is the first of July...
...U is the second of July...
...L is the third of July...
...and Y is the Fourth of July?
Because I said so, bitch.

 

by evil_d
9-27-02
In your plane in the blue sky, you roam again. Words that echo in your mind make your heart beat faster. "This is no Vietnam. We will win in Iran."
The Captain said,
Kill or die, die! Islam be damned. Make your last stand in Tehran.
Warrior, the time bomb's about to go. What will you feel?

 

by evil_d
9-27-02
Will you even wonder if the man that's in your sights ever kissed his girl goodbye?
The President said,
Let it ride, ride! Islam be damned. Make your last stand in Tehran.
Great... Satan. Great... Satan. Great... Satan.
Ah believe he's talkin' ta me.

 

by evil_d
9-27-02
Our flags are burning...
Soon America may find its young men in the sand, where their casualty is just a number in Iran.
The President said,
Let it ride, ride! You will be damned. Make your last stand in Tehran.

 

by evil_d
9-29-02
A bird in the hand is worth five dollars.
You catch more flies with money than with vinegar.
Therefore, time flies when you have a bird in your hand.

 

by evil_d
9-29-02
Once bitten, you should go to the doctor.
Fool me once... shame on... shame on you. Fool me... can't get fooled again!
You're an idiot.

 

by evil_d
10-10-02
                                                       
                                                       
                                                       
This is about the only thing he could possibly have done to improve my opinion of him.

 

by evil_d
10-11-02
He's a single white male, in his 30s, enjoys walks on the beach and dinners by candlelight, good with kids, looking for fun, maybe a relationship.
What? So I answered a personal ad.

 

by evil_d
10-11-02
"Help! I can't turn around! Someone tell me where the brakes are! Uh-oh! Hey, buddy! Get out of the way! Hurry up!"

 

by evil_d
10-12-02
So we're working on this serial rapist case, right, and I'm interviewing this victim to see if she can give me a description good enough to make a sketch from.
She says she can't remember "certain parts" of the guy too well, if you take my meaning, so I thought I might jog her memory by way of some, you know, examples?
All I'm saying is, hysterical laughter is really distracting when you're working on such a delicate task.

 

by evil_d
10-14-02
Yeh, I recollect them 27.4 million pounds of deli products, alright. Back in ought-four, it was. That's right, jes' after the Great Deli Drought of nineteen-ought-three.
Why, it was my deli products what ended the drought! Fer months, there weren't nary a slice of salami to be found east of the Mississippi, but with a little ol'-fashioned gumption, I set things right.
Y'see, it all started on account o' Jebediah Wilson buyin' up more cattle than he had a use for. Now ol' Jebediah, he was always thinkin' how to make a buck....

 

by evil_d
10-14-02
I'd like to apologize for my recent statement that the Muslim prophet Muhammed was a terrorist. This comment was made in the heat of the moment, and I was not thinking very clearly.
Naturally, what I meant to say is that Muhammed was a fucking heathen, lying, asshole terrorist sand
Currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by!

 

by evil_d
10-29-02
So, hey, you're not completely ugly, and I'm not completely sober. Wanna have sex?
Sorry. I have a girlfriend back home and I can't cheat on her. We're going to get married as soon as I finish college!
Ha ha ha! Hey Nick, get this. John says he has a girlfriend back home and they're going to get married after college! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
What's so funny? You think we're going to break up, right? Well, let me tell you --
No, mostly I'm laughing at the idea of you having a girlfriend.

 

by evil_d
10-29-02
Let me sacrifice myself to save the party. It's the only way.
I hate to have to make this decision! But you're right, it's our only choice. Thank you, Cait Sith!
Oh, Cait Sith... *sob* you were so brave. I guess you really were a good guy in the end. I'm sorry I didn't trust you more. *boo hoo hoo*
*boo ho-- Okay, who the fuck are you?
Cait Sith mark II.

 

by evil_d
10-29-02
                                   
                                   
                                   
                                   

 

by evil_d
10-31-02
Alright, class, take out a pen and some paper. We're having a quiz on chapters 1 and 2 of the text. There will be ten questions....
What? It's only the first day of class. Isn't it customary to teach the material before you quiz students on it?
Miss, students in my courses are expected to know what is appropriate to study, and to show some initiative.
If I already knew what I was doing, why would I pay someone thousands of dollars to teach me?
Young lady, I am not accustomed to teaching students who aren't interested in learning.
I don't think you're accustomed to teaching students, period.

 

by evil_d
10-31-02
Hey -- make me a banana split!
Okay.
This isn't a banana split.
I don't like you.

 

by evil_d
10-31-02

 

by evil_d
10-31-02
Heh heh... it took me all week to get this "armless zombie" costume right, but it was worth it!
*DING DONG*
It looks so real... I can't wait to hear people's screams of terror!
Well hello there!
AAAAAAAHHHHH!

 

by evil_d
10-31-02
Senior year, finals week.
Hey man, want to take a break for a while and shoot some pool?
Can't. I've only got a B- in this class and I need to bring it up.
Two months later.
In addition to my experience as an intern, I earned my B.S. from Columbus University with a 3.12 GPA and a major in--
Sounds good to me. When can you start?
Two years later.
In addition to my work experience, I earned my B.S.--
Sounds good to me. When can you start?

 

by evil_d
11-03-02
The pyramids of ancient Egypt remain one of the most fascinating feats of architecture ever accomplished by man.
Their construction required the brains of brilliant mathematicians and the muscles of thousands of slave laborers.
They sound delicious.

 

by evil_d
11-06-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Elocution Day.
And what will that be like?
A whole lot of people will stand around and talk just to hear the sound of their own voices.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by evil_d
11-06-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Erection Day.
And what will that be like?
We'll get a bunch of famous people to stand around and masturbate. Then everyone will vote on who did the best job.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by evil_d
11-06-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Electrocution Day.
And what will that be like?
I'll lure as many people as I can to a single location by telling them it's their civic duty. Then I'll strike them all with a lightning bolt and send them on their way.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by evil_d
11-06-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Electron Day.
And what will that be like?
Everyone will come together to affirm that all of the atomic particles in the universe are in fact negatively charged. This affirmation will cause all of reality to disintegrate before our eyes.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by evil_d
11-06-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Ear Infection Day.
And what will that be like?
The most intelligent people in the world will come to my palace to tell me how I should govern, but I'll be unable to listen to them because I'll have an ear infection.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by evil_d
11-08-02
Welcome to Snuffy Smith and Andy Capp's Homosexual Adventures in Outer Space! We join our heroes as they're about to blast off on their maiden voyage!
3... 2... 1.... Liftoff!
Snuffy Smith is copyright (c) some damn redneck!
LOOKIT THET! A perfect takeoff! Shore is nice to spurt into the sky like thet!
Right, then. I'm off to the ship's pub for a long pull on a tall glass.
Andy Capp is copyright (c) some damn Scotsman!
Not afore we finish th' TAKEOFF PROCEDURES!
What's left... oh, how could I forget? The CELEBRATORY SODOMY! Of course!

 

by evil_d
11-08-02
I'm bored, pet.
Howcum, Endy?
Well I've watched all the horse races and football matches in the ship's library already.
Well, I knows what'll cheer ya RIGHT UP!
What's that, then?
Some good HOMOSEXUAL INTERCOURSE!

 

by evil_d
11-08-02
GET YERSELF UP, Endy! We're gonna PUT IN at ASSTEROID B-612!
Can't a bloke get some sleep? -- He's just like Flo!
The Little Prince is copyright (c) some damn Frenchman!
Well, where's this, then?
Why, Asteroid B-612 is th' home of th' LITTLE PRINCE!
I don't see any prince.
I wonders if the prince likes 'im enny GAY SEX?

 

by evil_d
11-08-02
Klingons and Ewoks are copyright (c) some damn warring tribes of geeks!
We got kicked out o' our ship but good by them KLINGONS, or maybe they was EWOKS! D'you think this is th' END, Endy?
Well, d'you think you can keep breathing this atmosphere for more than a few hours?
NOPE!
Then yes.
Then howsabout one last round of ASS SEX afore we go?

 

by evil_d
11-12-02
Years in the past....
Landshark. I mean, door-to-door salesman.
Which is worse?
Listen up, kid. I've got just what you always wanted even though you never knew it. It's a brand-new "Junior Police Inspector" kit, only $199.99.
It better be more fun than that Junior Chemist set I got for my birthday.
Oh hell yeah. Blowing off family members' limbs only lasts a few minutes, but a good prison term will last 'em fifteen to twenty years!
I'll go rustle up my Dad's credit card.

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
You kidnapped me! You're a bad man, Mr. Passive Voice!
You will be released when the ransom has been paid by your father!
Fifty billion dollars will not be missed by such a wealthy businessman! And my revenge on him will be realized! Hahahahaha!
You won't get away with it! Retroactive Man will have rescued me!
Seeing that fool try will be enjoyed by me!

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
Potential Lad! It's the Retroactive signal!
We're indoors -- how can you tell?
Let's just hurry now! I'll see the signal retroactively!
To the Retromobile! Do you know how to drive?
Yes, but I've never done it!

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
I will have known it! Mr. Passive Voice has kidnapped a little girl! I must save her!
I could help!
Stay back for now! I will have handled this!
Passive Voice! I've already released your prisoner!
What? You shall be cursed, Retroactive Man! You will be made to pay for this!

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
Now, our battle shall be joined!
It already has been! I punched you five seconds ago!
No such thing was--OW! How was that done?
*crash*
Then I threw you across the room!

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
Had enough, Passive Voice?
My might is not being a match for yours! But you will still be defeated -- by UPPERCASE BOT!
*WHAM!*
oof!
UPPERCASE BOT DESTROY HUMAN!
...I will have had a bad feeling about this...

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
*SLAM!*
FIGHT!
ugh!
*CRACK!*
ouch!
KILL!
Aren't you going to help him?
I might!

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
*BASH!*
DESTROY!
I am retroactively anticipating this confrontation, and placing a miniature EMP device in my utility belt! Ah, here it is!!
*WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNN*
ERROR!
Now, to retroactively call the police... as soon as I can move again....

 

by evil_d
11-13-02
So, once again, the day will have been saved!
I could have done that.
Let us return to our hideout, Potential Lad, and rest up for the battle we will have had to fight tomorrow! Back to the Retromobile!
You know, your New Beetle really isn't retro.
THE END
But one day, it may be!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
Retroactive Man, what's my origin story?
Well, Potential Lad, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much....
No, no, I know about the facts of life. I mean, when did I become your sidekick? What made me become a crimefighter? I don't remember any of it.
Well, I suppose I must have taken care of all that retroactively.
You don't remember either, do you?
No time to talk now! The Retrophone's about to ring!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
I retroactively know that when I retroactively answer the Retrophone, it will be the Mayor calling to tell me that trouble's brewing here at the abandoned high school!
We could search faster if we split up!
In the basement....
Hmm... what's this strange device? Who could have built it?
Don't not stop going right there, Retroactive Man!
*gasp* ...my old enemy, Doctor Negative!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
You ain't never getting the best of me no more, Retroactive Man!
You didn't fail to fall into my clever trap! Now, don't fail to taste my wrath!
Retroactive Man? What's going on here?
Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
Doctor Negative, you scoundrel! What could you have done with Retroactive Man?
I didn't not send your precious Retroactive Man to the one place where his powers won't not be able to help him -- THE PAST! Ha ha ha!
You realize that "won't not" cancel each other out, so you just said that his powers *will* be able to help him, right?
No I don't not!
Christ. Are you even a real doctor?
I'm not not an unreal doctor!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
Look here, Doctor Negative. I don't think you realize the terrifying things I could do to you. Why, I could -- hey!
Well, at least that's -- what now?
Oh, hell.

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
This shouldn't not be not happening! I sent you back in time!
Yes, and once I realized that, I was able to retroactively grab onto you and take you with me!
Well, don't never even think of trying to defeat me in here.
Why not not? ...I mean, why not?
Since we're not not travelling not forward through time, our future is the past and our past is the future. Your powers ain't not one bit unuseful!
What if I don't use my powers and just smack you one across the face?

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
Well, it doesn't look like we aren't slowing down.
It doesn't look like we haven't come to a stop... one year in the past. Back when this building wasn't not still a high school.
Next question: can you get us home?
No I can't, using this device that isn't not right here in my pock... hey!
Ha! Picked your pocket retroactively! Now let's see what this thing can do!

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
In a nearby classroom...
Man, another D-minus! I don't understand why I'm not getting better grades.
Neither do I, laddie. Ye're smart enough tae do better! I tell ye, ye've got a lot of potential, lad!
...potential, lad!......potential, lad!....
What the fuck...?
You unintelligent person! You didn't not just warp that student through time! Don't not stop touching that thing!
Hold on, I've almost got the hang of it. Here, let's try this.

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
You don't have to not stop playing with that command device immediately!
I'm trying to get us back home!
Let me handle it, I ain't no amateur! Your time-bending powers and that device combined might not cause irreparable damage to the fabric of time!
Glad you thought about that before you sent me back in time in the first place, genius. I think I'll keep this, thank you.
Besides, give me a little credit. I'm not going to cause any irreparable damage to the timeline.
Excuse me, but you're causing irreparable damage to my petunia garden.

 

by evil_d
11-14-02
So you're saying that you're me, one year in my future. And over the next year, I'm going to become you, which entails becoming Potential Lad, sidekick to the superhero Retroactive Man.
That's right. And then you'll eventually come here to fight Doctor Negative, and end up meeting yourself, while Retroactive Man and Doctor Negative get sent back through time.
You know, we could just pull this lever marked "Return" and bring them back.
Yes, we COULD! You're getting the hang of being Potential Lad already!
I'm gonna do it.
No, no! You're not getting the hang of it at all!

Showing page 6.

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