All comics by israphael

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by israphael
8-26-02
You can't keep treating women like they are your sexual playthings. We have feelings and needs.
When it comes to sex, don't rush it. We like to be held and cuddled. And we need a great deal of foreplay before we can achieve orgasm.
Well, aren't you going to say anything?
Women have orgasms?

 

by israphael
8-27-02
There are some things that vet school doesn't prepare you for...
Mr. Kaufman, what can we do for you and John Thomas today?
It's time for his yearly physical and his shots. And can you do one of those echo heart thingies?
You want an electrocardiogram? Sure, we can do it. But why?
My psychic says that he has a heart murmur. And do you do any aromatherapy? She says that would help his depression.
Keep smiling... Don't make eye contact... And slowly back out of the room.
You see it's all due to trauma he suffered in a previous life. During the Irish potato famine...

 

by israphael
8-27-02
Money's getting tight, So it's about time to go out on tour again. But the band needs a new sound. You guys have any ideas?
How about a sound that is big and retro? Let's get a horn section to back us up.
That might work for Springsteen, but not for us. World Music is popular now. I've been studying Tuvaan throat singing.
Too Weird. We haven't tried Techno. We don't even have to write any new shit. Just remix some of the old crap. What do you think?
Needs more sodomy.
Shut up, Gabe! We're not a fucking boy band.

 

by israphael
8-28-02
Spankling goes on the Charlie Rose Show...
Mr Spankling, why did you call George W Bush "a lying piece of shit"?
I never said that.
You can't deny it. We have videotape of you saying it.
Wrong. What I said was, George W Bush is "a lying sack of shit".
I'm afraid I don't see the difference.
More shit.

 

by israphael
8-29-02
What's with all this noise?
Jesse! Jesse! You gotta see this! They made me an action figure! And check this out, when you drop the pants...
Oh My God!
Yeah, ain't it great? I'm hung like a horse!
Wow, a doll that is both politically and anatomically incorrect.

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Now that we've graduated from vet school, where are you going to practice.
I'm not. I don't want to be stuck in that spay, neuter, and vaccination routine. I'm going to grad school and have a real career.
Think of what you're missing. The big bucks... the groupies... and my personal favorite...
really good drugs.

 

by israphael
9-06-02
My stats are compiled... the text is done... the figures are flawless... and my references are double-checked. My dissertation is finished.
Things are finally going my way.
Funny, why did I just get a cold chill running down my spine?

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Israphael delivers his dissertation to his graduate advisor.
Doc, can I talk to you for a moment?
I thought I smelled the stench of a grad student.
I just finished my dissertation. I was wondering if you could edit it by the deadline on October the 11th.
I think I can meet that deadline.
Yeah... October the 11th, 2004.

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Israphael confers with one of his graduate commitee members
Doctor, have you had a chance to read my thesis? What did you think?
I stop reading after noticing that the trendlines in Figure 2 were missing.
Sorry about that, the xerox machine doesn't reproduce the light blue color the lines were printed in.
Well it speaks of sloppiness. It tells me that your logic is faulty, your experimental design is shoddy, and central premise is wrong.
And if I had to guess... you have a real tiny penis.

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Israphael defends his dissertation
And that's how I propose to use organically modified clays to remove bacteria from agricultural waste water.
Does anyone have any questions?
Yeah, I have one. Who gives a fuck?

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Israphael celebrates successfully defending his dissertation
I told my commitee members, "Those phyllosilicate clays aren't going to adsorb bacteria by themselves".
HA HA HA
HA HA HA
What the fuck are we laughing about?

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Israphael delivers his dissertation to the thesis clerk
Hi there. I'm here to drop off my dissertation.
Not so fast, you'll have to reformat it so it meets the specifications in this thesis manual.
What! That manual is bigger than my dissertation. It'll take for ever to make these changes.
Those are the rules.
It's not fair!
Get over it, everybody suffers. Look at me, I haven't been laid since Carter was president.

 

by israphael
9-06-02
Well, I finally made all those changes to my thesis.
Sorry, but you'll have to reformat the references, we no longer accept that journal style.
What! That's not what it says in the thesis manual.
Yes, but the manual also states that the thesis office can issue new rules at any time.
That's not fair! You can't change the rules at the last minute!
OOPS! New rule: "Dissertations have to be written in medieval french".

 

by israphael
9-06-02
I finally did it. I defend my dissertation and got it accepted by the thesis clerk.
Things are finally going my way. I just got a good job in the federal government. And I'll no longer have to deal with power-mad fools.
Nope, I still don't get it. So tell me again, is this anthrax stuff a good or a bad thing?

 

by israphael
9-06-02
It's good having you here.
Whatever. What do we have on our schedule for today.
About 20 annual physicals, a few cases of vomiting and diarrhea, a anal sac removal, and a whole bunch of spays and neuters.
Great.
I always knew you'd be back.
Shut up and show me where you keep the good drugs.

 

by israphael
9-10-02
ObiJo was born with a full beard and mustache to poor Catholic parents in Scotland.
Hmmm... Looks like the milkman.
After being beating up in grade school, flunking out of a graduate program in computer science, and never getting laid, life got really tough.
When the hell is he going to judge this competition?
Death to ObiJo! Death to ObiJo! Death to ObiJo!
He was buried in a unmarked grave in a lonely graveyard.
I could rest in peace if Tobor would stop digging up my corpse for cornholing.

 

by israphael
9-11-02
Hi. I want to take some time out from writing comic strips to talk about the state of the union.
On the anniversary of the terrible events of 9-11, we stand on the brink of an ill-concieved war with Iraq.
It doesn't benefit us to start a new war when the work in Afghanistan is just begun. We'll just anger the Arab world without addressing their greivances.
Talking about threats to America, let's discuss the recent business scandals. Those have done more to erode confidence in the American Dream.
It is time to make corporations accountable for their actions. And let's remove the corrupting influence business has in government.
That's how we'll insure that the "government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."

 

by israphael
9-15-02
How do I look?
I'm afraid to ask.
It's my costume for Halloween. And I got the perfect one for you.
I know what you're thinking and you can just forget it!
After the last time you made me dress up as an altar boy, I was too sore to sit down for a week.

 

by israphael
9-19-02
RAAAR!
Please Tobor, don't cornhole me.
TOBOR DOES NOT DO THAT ANY MORE! TOBOR NOW INTO FORCIBLE ORAL COPULATION!
You don't mean...
YES! ALL YOUR FACE BELONG TO ME!

 

by israphael
9-24-02
Israphael, what have you been up to? You're not writing as many strips as usual.
I just can't come up with anything funny.
That never seemed to stop you before.

 

by israphael
9-24-02
My family tree has the usual collection of farmers, soldiers priests, and horse thieves...
WHOOOP!
God save Dixieland! Let's string up those dirty Yankees from the highest tree.
Well that sucks.
and lots of cowards.
God save the Union! Let's string up Johnny Reb from the highest tree.

 

by israphael
9-24-02
I'm too sexy for my lab coat, too sexy for my lab coat! So sexy it hurts!
I'm too sexy for my gloves, too sexy for my gloves! Latex and Nitrile!
I'm a doctor, you know what I mean! And I do my little experiment on the lab bench!
Must find death ray!

 

by israphael
9-24-02
I AM THE ASS RAPING ROBOT! I AM HERE TO PROTECT YOU FROM THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF SPACE!

 

by israphael
9-26-02
Sicko Bunny, Thirsty Beatnik, Ker-Trans-Form, I Do Not Suck Dick, Kaufman, Lara7, Dog On A Ball, Sucky, Sucky, Five Dollah
Wirthling Sucks, Default Asian Girls, Robotic Anal Fucks, Donkey Love, Skeet Shoot, Power Newbies, A Nail In The Head
Needs more Sodomy, Cowboy Physics, Tattoo Barbie, Chopping Block, Life in Hell, Justice for Hernandez
Andy's Maw, Puns And Parody, Biscuit Game, Rarely Hilarity, Brad, DeXx, Scroe, Moh, Won't You Read My Damn Comics
We Didn't Start The Site, Yes We Know It's Shite
No We Didn't Write It, And We Try To Deny It

 

by israphael
9-29-02
He's a hero!
He's a guy!
Da-da-da-dum, it's hero guy!
We're Beatrice.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Pleeeeeease draw a character for me!
I've had it with these whiny losers!
Becca, I really need to get a way for a while. I hope you don't mind.
Not at all, we all need a little "me" time every now and then. Take all the time you need.
I thought he'd never leave.
Let's hump like crazed weasels.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
You have a nice flight!
I can't believe that they strip searched me just because I had some nail clippers on me.
At least on the plane I can get a nice drink and get a little sleep.
And when I get back home, I'm going to write some comics about this game I just learned. You invite some guys and take a tin of biscuits and...
When the hell is that damn drink cart going to get here?

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Well that was the flight from hell. That cretin never stopped talking, I never got any rest, and they ran out of gin. What I need now is sleep.
*Good Morning Sir* How may I help you today?
I'd like a room.
Certainly, you'll be in room number 1403. If there is anything you need feel free to ask.
Room 1403... on the 14th floor?
No, up your ass and two doors down. Duh!

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Finally, now for 8 hours of uninterrupted blissful sleep. Oh, excuse me.
No problem.
What are you doing in my room! Get the hell outta here! And take that with you!
Sorry, I must be the wrong room.
Man, what's his problem?
Probably needs more sodomy.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Free tickets! Come see a taping of your favorite TV show! Free tickets!
What a pleasant suprise. Perhaps my luck has changed.
Hi, I'm here for the show.
Yeah, we've been waiting for you. Go to the stage and take the seat next to the guy in black leather.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Must be some kind of game show.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
*Screeeeeech*
I can't believe that the rental service only had this ugly car. At least it's transportation. Hey, watch out!
What are you doing! You can't just step out in the middle of the road! And watch where you point that gun!
Give me the keys to the car and you won't get hurt. I've got big plans for it.
I see. So a woman carjacks you for a AMC Pacer, that she's going to cover with CDs. I'm afraid we're going to have to strip search you for illicit drugs.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Stuck in the middle of Ohio with no vehicle, DexX asks for directions.
Excuse me. How do I get to Cincinnati?
Where?
You know... Cincinnati... Cincinnati, Ohio?
Sorry, I don't know where Ohio is.
YOU'RE IN OHIO!
Dude, chill out. Your mood would be a lot better if you took more illicit drugs.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Thank heavens, I'm out of that Godforsaken country. Is that a pub up ahead. I could use a pint right about now.
Hi, could I get...
Oh look, an American. Overpaid, oversexed, and over here. No doubt trying to chat up some of our birds.
I'M NOT AN AMERICAN! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR WOMEN!
Now I get it! Touch one of the sheep and we'll gut you where you stand, yank.

 

by israphael
10-03-02
Oh my! You're back soon.
*Sigh* Yes, I realized I will never truely be free from the morons, jerks, and lowlifes from Stripcreator. And now I'm going take a much deserved nap.
Bec, why is there a naked man in the bedroom closet?
Oh... Him... Um... He wants you to draw a character for him.

 

by israphael
10-05-02
Mr. Kaufman, Puff's lump was an early form of breast cancer. To be on the safe side, we suggest removing all the breast tissue from her left side.
Remove her breasts! She'll be deformed!
Not to worry. Although we are removing a lot of tissue, the cosmetic impact will be slight. Her fur will hide any defect.
However, about Puff's flabby thighs... Might I suggest an expensive course of liposuction and fanny tucks?

 

by israphael
10-05-02
Sis, where do you keep the- OH MY GOD! I'M SORRY!
I was... Um... just doing a breast self-examination.
Well, that would explain what you were doing with your left hand. What were you doing with the other one, searching for cervical cancer?

 

by israphael
10-06-02
Hello. I'd like to take a little break from mirth-making to talk to you about a serious topic, breast cancer.
Every year, 200,000 new cases of breast cancer are diagnosed.
So let's protect all breasts, whether they are the small perky ones of teenagers, mature ones that fit comfortably in the palm of your hand.
or humongous bouncy tits that make you want to grab on, squeeze, and yell, "Yo soy el capitan de este barco!"
We interrupt this announcement to apologize for its poor quality and taste. We now return you to a comic strip, already in progress.
RAAAAAAR!
Not again.

 

by israphael
10-07-02
It's your Move.
MOTHER!!!

 

by israphael
10-08-02
I am a leader of men.
I am a whore.
To feel pain is to live. To live is to feel pain. Mobius strips and stands on his head.
If I had nipples, I would tweak them every chance I had.
Kneel before me and worship. For I am the killer of small children, the raper of nations.
I'm still a whore.

 

by israphael
10-08-02
Why is it that "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" is suitable for animation by Disney, while "Lord of the Flies" is not?
Are you asking me or telling me?
I am just making an observation based on the available data. It all ends up being about sex and death, anyway.
Wait, that's not being scientific, merely Freudian.
Why does everything with you have to conform to a male dominated eurocentric world view?
So, wanna have anal sex... or would you rather go get a waffle?

 

by israphael
10-08-02
What does a hairpiece do-- I mean, once it's freed from th' constraints of its cranial duties?
Well I'm cruisin' for a little action, if you catch my drift.
-- You Mean --?!
I want th' exact location of Loni Anderson's wig drawer!!
You can't do that. You just ripped off "Zippy the Pinhead".
No I didn't. I merely appropriated the material for deconstructing the ideological biases and assumptions of its westernized phallocentric world view.

 

by israphael
10-11-02
Before moving to Ocean City, I never encountered a ghost before. I thought that if I ever saw, one I'd be scared.
Since then, I've met hundreds of them. I find them to be delightful company.
In fact, I wouldn't think of moving.
GRRRR! TIRIPS WILL RAVISH YOU NOW!

 

by israphael
10-11-02
Japanese men are having pearls inserted under the skin of their penises, evidently to give that "ribbed for your pleasure" sensation to their partners.
I know you all think of me as a major perv. And what other people do with their own bodies is OK by me. But personally, I wouldn't do it.
After all, these are the same people who gaves us the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, tentacle sex, and singing toilets.

 

by israphael
10-11-02
The people at Nerve asking me to write an article about my experiences at "Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys That Want To Be Girls".
I found it to be both liberating and disturbing. Until now I never contemplated the impossibly high aesthetic standards we apply to women.
They were going to ask Israphael. But given how slowly he writes, they decided against it. After all they wanted the article sometime in this lifetime.

 

by israphael
10-11-02
Some women just can't get enough of English soccer player David Beckman. They have left their families and sell their bodies in order to follow the team.
I can't believe women could have so little common sense and self esteem to chase after a man like that. Wait a sec... I've just received a picture of Beckman.... OH MY!

 

by israphael
10-12-02
Surrender, we outnumber you two to one and we're a day's march from the capital. Lay down your arms or suffer a senseless defeat.
It's true things look bleak now. But we have God on our side and a fighting spirit that will lead us to certain victory.
Plus you haven't seen our new ironclad infantryman in action yet.
Retreat!
RAAAR! YOU BETTER RUN! SOON I'LL BE COMING IN MANASSAS!

 

by israphael
10-12-02
Hi, I'm Barry. I'm going to diddle you vigorously.
ARRRGH! ME CLAPPO! ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME.
RAAAR! I'M BOTOX! DROP YOUR PANTS AND BEND OVER! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE GABE BILLINGS EXPERIENCE!

 

by israphael
10-13-02
Well, when I first heard he was leaving, maybe for good, I was crushed. Although I never met the guy, I consider him to be a good friend.
You know, my character was one of the first ones he drew. I wish him and Becca all the best.
You're talking about DexX. Kyle is that tropical storm in the Atlantic ocean, you moron.
Oh... never mind.

 

by israphael
10-13-02
It has been a long drawn-out battle in the courts. But today, we have reached an agreeement.
We are allow to produce and sell our product on two conditions. First, we freely admit that our product knowingly causes death.
Second, we will now only film the killing of ugly people.

 

by israphael
10-13-02
It's about time too, I didn't think I could hold it in any longer.
But there is one thing I want to know.
Which one of you "rocket scientists" decided on an outhouse?

Showing page 6.

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