All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-10-01
... the deaths of your sons: Pat, Steve, Jack, Nolan, O'Neal, Wei-Zhao, Conanob, Beltofo, Cantwinfort, ...
A full search of Northern France seeks out the remaining son.
Excuse me, mademoiselle, are you Private Ryan?
Non.
50 years later ...
Billy, here lies the man who got me out of France just in time - the Jerry Lewis film festival was about to begin.
Gee whiz, Mr. Ryan!

 

by kaufman
9-11-01
3:00 PM outside the blood donation center
Take a number. It will probably be a few hours. Or you can sign a form and we'll call you in a few days.
6:45 PM
Number White-19!
That's me
8:30 PM
Okay, all done. You can go to the canteen.
Oh, and tell everyone that I was carrying a book the whole time, not a cat.

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
Knock, knock.
Yes?
ObiJo Reposessions, ma'am.
I'll need you to give me your title.

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
Knock, knock.
Yes?
ObiJo Repossession, ma'am.
I'll need you to give me your title.

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
Kat
Quat
Catt
Ok, spelling bee's over. No one got one word. Everyone loses.

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
I'm from Wales.
Hey, me too!
Simultaneously ...
What town?
What town?
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
Now, a message from our sponsor:
Ever wanted to travel to the far ends of the universe? Just dial 1-800-BEAMMEUP, and you'll travel instantaneously anywhere! I just "called" Deneb III!
Glssknxth.
Whoa, that commercial sold me! Betelguese, here I come!
Thank you for calling 1-800-BEATMEUP. Please prepare to be pulverized!
I *hate* wrong numbers!

 

by kaufman
9-13-01
Hello, I'm from Americans for Agnosticism.
I'd like to talk about ...
hmmmm, never mind.

 

by kaufman
9-14-01
Ok, Guiseppi, raise the scaffold.
Higher!
I still can't reach the ceiling.
Sorry, Michelangelo, this is as high as it will go.

 

by kaufman
9-14-01
Haikeeba!
Hey, who does your hair?
Mike, we're not in space anymore.
Forgot. Thanks, Crow.

 

by kaufman
9-14-01
But how will we know if the Captain Formerly Known As Prince has escaped?
Not a problem! Under gunpoint, our scientist pal made a nanoGPS device ...
...that Cluckles here secreted on his person. Let's see where he is now.
Captain Uterus is on the right side of Panel #2.
Or forgot to secrete on his person. Good news folks, arroz con pollo for dinner tonight!

 

by kaufman
9-14-01
Oh my goodness! The city's in flames!
Into, a nearby phone booth, this is a job for ... Oh crap, the booth's flooded.
Captain Uterus?
Afraid so. My Broccoli Head Man costume got all wet.

 

by kaufman
9-14-01
Mommy?
Many baby animals imprint. Please be careful when driving during crossing season.

 

by kaufman
9-15-01
And now, a haiku.
ObiJo's Contest
He's dressed as Mother Billings
Cue "Psycho" music

 

by kaufman
9-15-01
Ding dong.
Hello, I'm here to talk about ...
JESUS!

 

by kaufman
9-16-01
Number 8: Thou shalt not steal.
Number 9: Thou shalt not bear false witness.
And Number 10: Thou shalt covet thy neighbor's arse.

 

by kaufman
9-17-01
Did you hear? Our thunder's been stolen. Hundreds of newbies crawling out of the woodwork and winning contests. Shall we bring out the Trojan Donkey?
Don't worry, DexX, I've got just the thing to stop their nefarious plot.
I shall hurl a wirthball into each and every one of their windows. I guarantee we won't be bothered after this.
Number twenty wirthball ready to activate, master.
Scenes of ultravandegraffic violence have been omitted.
We wish not to offend our sensitive viewers.

 

by kaufman
9-17-01
In his house in R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu lies dreaming ...
Time to wake up, spaghetti-face. You have to commit your quota of atrocities.
Mmmm, nice negligee, Shubbie.... Huh? Wha? ....Aw crap, it's possession day, isn't it. I have a headache. Let Death fill in for me.
Awww, what a cute bunny rabbit. Can I pet you?
YES, MORTAL. TOUCH ME AND MEET YOUR DOOM.
Hey, this Death stuff isn't half bad. Let's pull out that list of people who said I sucked dick: Arnold Aasbo, Anthony Abramowitz, Amy, Adderly, ....

 

by kaufman
9-17-01
Indy, look out!
Hah, you're no match for my bullwhip!!
After another narrow escape:
At long last, the Arse of the Covenant.

 

by kaufman
9-17-01
Duane Allman! Great to see you after all these years.
Yeah, let me introduce you to the guys.
You don't have to introduce us. Everybody knows Jerry Garcia.
Jimi! I can't wait for the rest of the band to get here so we can jam. Never imagined heaven would be so good. Who's our drummer? Keith Moon?
Uh, this isn't heaven, and here's the rest of our band ...
Okay, boys, from the top. One and two and o/` Why do birds suddenly appear ...

 

by kaufman
9-17-01
Aardvarks and newbies have been spotted invading our forum. I suggest we leave the newbies be and work on getting rid of the aardvarks.
Absolutely not. Aardvarks dine on ants and other megagitchiocious critters. Let them be here.
Actually, the ants aren't too bad if you cover them in chocolate.
Additional calories from the chocolate, though, make it so I prefer eating them without any coating.
Aeschylus once said something about chocolate and weight gain, but it was in Greek, so I have no idea what he said.
After further review, I am SO glad this strip cuts off after six dialogue balloons, rather than 676.

 

by kaufman
9-18-01
Lassie leads the Russian water polo team to the Olympic finals.
Da! I have open path to goal and great victory for Rosski team.
But suddenly, Lassie stops.
Arf! Woof-woof ruff arf ruff!
Bozhe moi!, Sounds like Dimitri fell down the coal mine again.
What a niekulturni!

 

by kaufman
9-18-01
I'm a colossal beak attached by a head to an enormous neck..
And I'm a colossal streak.
You like collecting those liquids, don't you?
Yeah, I guess I'm just a colloidal geek.
On April 18th, 1975, Jacques Cousteau's ship sailed right over this very spot.
Might as well face it, dude, you are a Calypso geek.

 

by kaufman
9-19-01
Yes, Senator. The recent traffic of money through France, Sudan and Uzbekistan leads me to strongly believe that ... hold on, my cat has something to say.
What's that, sweetie? ... But this is an important ... Oh, all right.
I'm very sorry, but we'll need to continue this at a later date. Right now I need to go to attitudechicka's place and get spanked.

 

by kaufman
9-19-01
I need a place to have a baby. Mind if I use your bed?
Sure, go right ahead.
Son, if you keep doing that, you're going to be one lousy carpenter.
The good news is we set our clocks forward tomorrow night, so that's one fewer hour I've got to stay dead.

 

by kaufman
9-19-01
Aha! At last, a plan that will drive the newbies away.
And those that don't will be YOURS, Master. The titles are sheer brilliance.
Just 3 more forum posts and I can shed my newbie label and get out of this Augean Stable of donkey dung.
Maybe, but until then, shut up and wrangle me!
Three forgettable posts later ...
Ok, I'm established. Now who's this Tobor guy, and what do I need to do to be a fan?
RAAAAAAR! I AM TOBOR! DROP YOUR PANTS.

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
True fact: "Goat" is an anagram of "toga", which is interesting because you never see goats in ancient rome.
Veni feta vici!
"Robert Anson Heinlein" is an anagram of "Tobor in inn: hen sealer"
RAAAAR! TOBOR IS A HARSH MISTRESS.
True fact: Contestants on "Let's Make a Deal" whose parents are alive are far more likely to select the goat over the car than orphans.
I'll trade the box for what's behind the curtain.
Baaaaaa, your mother sends her greetings!

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
I feed mine dry food. It's better on their immune systems, and keeps their teeth well exercised.
Well, nothing but canned for my Mittens. It's a much more balanced diet, and the throw-up is easier to pick up.
I ought to call the ASPCA. You're clearly an animal abuser.
Not half as much as you!
Myooowwww!

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
o/` When the moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with ... OOOK!
Ugh, I feel sick, like my insides are being ripped apart. What's happening to me?
Just my luck, I'm in the intestine. Ok, here's the deal. For CC 57A: Pick a musical act and do a Being John Malkovich kind of thing inside them!

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
Tastes great!
Less filling!
Oh please, guys, it's not worth arguing about. The taste is no different from water, and you'll have all you can take after imbibing less than 1 cc.
Yeah, like that Aussie knows what he's talking about.
You can tell he's never fellated an organically-fed donkey.

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
Come on, Captain Lopez, say those words I want to hear.
10, 9, 8 ... Ready to launch!
10, 9, 8 ... Ready to launch! Read from the manual and tell me how to start this thing.
Here it is: Insert bread, turn knob to desired level of darkness, pull down handle. I tell you, anarchistcookbook.com has really gone downhill.

 

by kaufman
9-20-01
Monty Python's Argument Clinic sketch is the greatest comedy piece ever written.
No, it isn't.

 

by kaufman
9-21-01
C! F! A! E! Cherry Flavored Anal Eeze is for me! Honey, Nectar, Wax and Pollen, none but cherry on my colon! Anal Eeze, Pretty please, YAAAAYYY!
Hey little cheerleader, you've got to help me. Brad's collection goons are trying to shake me down.
2! 4! 6! 8! You should finance stripcreate! Duchess, Countess, Lady, Dame! Tag of choice goes by your name!
You mean if I send Brad $20, my forum posts will no longer be labeled "Always plays with his nuts," and can instead be something less personal?
It's available? Oh, thank you, Goddess, thank you!
Not a problem. Let's see what's next on my agenda ... Oh yeah, wirthling wants a body. Any ideas whose I should use?

 

by kaufman
9-21-01
Oh cool, we're inside Chekov's head. What shall we do?
How about we make him scream?
AIIIIEEEEEEEE!
Keptin, they put creatures in my ear!
You... Idiot... That... Was my... Hairpiece!

 

by kaufman
9-21-01
BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP
Just keep going, a few yards more, you're doing fine.
BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP
BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP...BEEP

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
You know, newcomers to the site can be a great source of revenue. We need to make sure Google keeps pointing them our way.
No problem, Brad. I'll just whip off a few comics so those popular keywords stay fresh in the search engine's memory.
HEY, DIDN'T I TELL YOU NO PANTIES? PREPARE TO BE CORNHOLED BY THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, MOTHERFUCKER.
Never mind that, take my headmaster rectal temperature instead. He needs anal stretching.
Please do not eat this crunchy fish. Squirrel testicles taste much better.
Relax. I am gandhi rabid dog. No whupass from me.

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
Sucky sucky! $5
Look, everyone, she's back. Guess which of these fine folk managed to bring her back?
Okay, so it was a clerical error. Bringing her back was the least I could do,
Ha! I succeeded! Cloning at last! Mwa ha ha ha!
My docter recommended that I should do at least three resurrections every morning.
Look, we can't allow killing on my site. Luckily, I had a copy of Asiangirl2 on backup.

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
Sucky sucky! $5
Look, everyone, she's back. Guess which of these fine folk managed to bring her back?
Okay, so it was a clerical error. Returning her to life was the least I could do,
Ha! I succeeded! Cloning at last! Mwa ha ha ha!
My doctor recommended that I should do at least three resurrections every morning.
Hey, we can't allow killing on my site. Luckily, I had a copy of Asiangirl2 on backup.

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
Seconds before the Colossal Geek thread fizzled ...
I am cute and fluffy.
I am sad. Help find a home for me and my ball.
Oh no, it's come to an end!
Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh! I'v got shards of bone in my eyes.
Me too. Doggie bones and bunny bones. Aren't you sorry?

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
The first rule of Short Term Memory Loss Club is ...

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
At the weekly meeting of Good and Evil ...
Well, Luce, I've spotted a Jimmy Clark, American, 23, soul precisely in the balance.
He'll be much happier if he turns to evil.
A deal is made.
Come on, he'll get through life just fine living righteously and quoting the Bible.
Okay, but I get to choose the verses.
Song of Songs 4:1
Thy hair is as a flock of goats that trail down from Mount Gilead.
Asshole.

 

by kaufman
9-24-01
Thou shalt not lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith ... it is perversion. I condemn thee to the firepits of Hell.
Damn.
Excuse me, I'd like to complain about my accommodations.
Oh, really! And what might the problem be?
Could you turn up the heat in here a bit? It's a bit drafty.
I hate Houstonians!

 

by kaufman
9-25-01
In the beginning ...
What shall I do for CC 66? How about something involving deals with evil....
It's not fair, evil_d. The contest is tilted toward evil folks. The honorable thing would be for you to sit it out.
Shit, wirthling, if it means that much to you, I will.
Wirthling's right, but he forgot about ALL the evil folk. Go get 'em, Dan
Piece of cake.

 

by kaufman
9-25-01
Sniff, sniff.
Yecch-o, that stench is coming from the computer.
Open the Listerine bottle, HAL.
I'm sorry, Dave, I cannot do that.

 

by kaufman
9-27-01
Yes?
Hello, I'm hoping you'll vote Repugnican in the upcoming election. Our motto is "A Cthulhu in Every Kitchen."
Hello, I'm canvassing for the Demoncratic Party. We promise a Cthulhu in every bedroom.
Oh no, I don't want to hear from you. All you political parties have become one and the same.
Au contraire. I represent the Lovecraftarian Party. We're quite different...

 

by kaufman
9-28-01
Priam nummers OWNZ j0u donbelieVe ME Read th!s shpxvat comikkk!
Its evil how people with projectile dierr, diarhhe, er, craps, sit on these benches before me and make it all gooooooey while I just want to sit in marshmallows and read the works of E.E. CUMMIN.GS
B c D f G h J k L m N p Q r S t V w X y Z their, have some consonants.
Message from Bush: Subliminabubble.
Limericks backwards you read will I: Side by side interred they're now and, Carolina North in, Grin a with said he, Bunk his in asleep fell who, Score a and gross a, dozen a.
Tell me, how can peter piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
Is anyone still reading this crap? If so, call me at work and I'll let you buy me a beer.
eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts eat my shorts
Oh sure, put asiangirl2 in the very last panel of this stupid comic because your 2 layzee to change the character. Bet you won''t even have me say anything. Oops, I'm wrong. Finis.

 

by kaufman
9-28-01
Left flap: Driver's license, Campus ID
Right flap: MasterCard, Discover, eMasterCard
Inserts: Penney's card, Hecht's card, health insurance card, blood donor card, AAA card, car insurance card, Petco card (meow),
Costco card, bridge director certification, calling card, radio permit, MotoPhoto card, memberships: Mensa, Holocaust Museum
And also some lint
Center insert: ATM card, 2 bagel club cards, 2 wife's business cards, 4 German business cards, Car service business card
Pocket: 4 $1 bills, 2 $5 bills, and 3 $20 bills.

 

by kaufman
9-28-01

 

by kaufman
9-28-01
Whee!

 

by kaufman
9-28-01
Hey now, I feel strong excitation.
Our chance has come for impregnation.
We rush toward that twat,
Soon his load will be shot ...
Damn it all, it's only masturbation.

Showing page 6.

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