All comics by quodlibet

Profile

 

by quodlibet
1-26-05
Bro, I got some problems, I think I kinda might need help.
I'm gonna let you in on the secret of my success as a man.
Yeah? What's that?
Whenever I have my down days, and things get rough, I ask myself, 'What would ***** do?'

 

by quodlibet
1-26-05
Hey mister, I lost something around here the other day. Can you help me find it?
Depends on what it is, and what's in it for me.

 

by quodlibet
2-03-05
Hi!
Ohhhh, you insensitive misogynist PIG! When will you learn women are not objects to place upon a pedestal? Buzz off!

 

by quodlibet
2-03-05
Hello!
Ooooh, you insensitive misogynist BIGOT! Women aren't second-class citizens for you to tread upon! You're SO inconsiderate!

 

by quodlibet
2-03-05
Why are you so angry?
Angry? I'm not angry! What made you THINK I was angry? HUH? I'm not like a GUY! You're so insensitive!

 

by quodlibet
2-03-05
Is it...?
You think I've got PMS! I'm not like a GUY, I don't THINK with my OVARIES!!! PMS is a natural and beautiful part of the hormonal cycle. Just like menstruation!

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
Let's have anal sex.
Fine! The day an alien with a discombobulator threatens the Earth, I'll do it!
Aww..but that'll be never!
Fuck.

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
Speaking as a friend, of course, I don't think you should meet this guy. Internet dating is just too weird.
Speaking as my ex-boyfriend, you can just shut up.
He DID tell me he's an alien living in New Mexico. You're just jealous of our wild orgy tonight.
He...actually, you might have a point there.

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
When God created the dessert pastries, he asked each, 'What would you like to be?'
He made some sweet, and he made others rich.
But only the humble doughnut begged the Lord, 'Please, Lord, let me be holy.'
Amen! Amen! Amen!

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
Tora! Tora! Tora! Chocolate glazed! Honey maple! Tora!
Actually the plural of 'torus' should be 'tori'.

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
I like sucking out the creamy fillings from the long chocolatey ones.
A dozen for fi dollah!

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
I'll take you to heaven and back for $49 plus applicable fees.
Applicable fees?
Add 7% sales tax for goods and services, and if you wanna eat out, or be entertained, or a condom, that'll be extra.
So what's an all-inclusive package?
Six hundred dollars.
Let me find my chequebook....

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
Where's Sherlock? He's been gone for four weeks.
I think he's at a conference.
Where's Sherlock? I need to talk to him about his room.
I think he's at a conference.
Where's Sherlock?
Between you and me, I don't have a clue.

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
Anything happen while I was gone?
Nothing much. Our toaster exploded, that's about all. Where were you?
Skiing in the Rockies.
I've told them all that you were at an academic conference.
Same difference.
I know.

 

by quodlibet
2-05-05
It took me a while to understand what a Code Brown was.
I feel SO much better after my massive bowel movement! But it smelled funny, so I saved of it in a hat for you!
After all, I'm supposed to be in the business of saving lives.
How does one little old lady manage to miss the toilet and shit all over the floor?
Fortunately, some scutwork is beneath even me.
Now which nurse managed to piss me off the most tonight?

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
Doc, I got a terrible problem. Can ya help me?
Sure can, Bob. What's up?
Well, Doc, I can't get it up for Dolly any more.
Maybe it's time to try human females again.
You might have a point there.

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
Doc, I got a terrible problem. Can ya help me?
Sure can, Bob. What's up?
Well, Doc, I can't get it up for Dolly any more.
Take two virgins and call me in the morning.
Will the pharmacist fill that scrip for me, doc?

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
You're almost a doctor, right? Can I get some advice, just between you and me?
What can I do for you, bro?
I got these giant steel balls implanted in my penis to pleasure my ex-girlfriend. A hundred bucks a ball.
Go on, I'm nodding as though I'm extremely concerned.
So now the skin on his dick split open and he wants to know now to save the steel balls. Not his dick, but his balls.
Awesome. Fucking awesome.

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
Well, I'm not sure what we can offer you. Thunderbolts are passe. Americans have ICBMs and the wrath of God now.
Women find me hot in bed. Bulls, swans, showers of gold...
We were founded by Quakers and Baptists.
I could broadcast the weather.
I'll pass that offer through head office.
Sounds good. Come back to the bathhouse soon!

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
Flushed with success! Ahhhhh....

 

by quodlibet
2-06-05
*cough* *choke*
Who's winning? Your will or my sperm?
Next time you're wearing a condom!

 

by quodlibet
2-07-05
What's that lump on your back?
My hoodie, dimwit.
Yeah, right. It looks like a D-cup implant to me. By an alien!
So...where did you say you were from?
Beautiful liquid silicon implant for Earthling technology!

 

by quodlibet
2-08-05
1934: Student council at local university votes to ban all fraternities, thus threatening the very existence of The House and its members.
We need an emergency meeting of all house members.
Man, the situation is desperate. No, worse: dire.
The students will be banned from varsity sports unless The House is dissolved; tomorrow they will be called to testify before the student council.
This decision has weighed heavily upon us for some time.
Upright, or grand?
Three hours of intense discussion later
So, that's settled. We need a piano in this grand old house!
Oh, which reminds me. What about legal aid for tomorrow?

 

by quodlibet
2-08-05
Maitre d', bring me something worthy of my refined tastes and atheromatous coronary arteries.
Well, sir, tonight we have a marvellously succulent organic chicken breast...
...lovingly fed from Aztec maize grown on the high pure mountain air of the Andes....
...shredded, pulverized, packed into the shape of a finger and deep-fried to a smoking char. $699.99 for a bucket of one.char

 

by quodlibet
2-08-05
I AM THE GHOST OF REFRIED BEANS!
I SHALL SUFFOCATE YOU IN THE DARKNESS!!!
Maybe Dickens and Mexican food before bed isn't the greatest combination.
REPENT, SINNER! GIVE UP YOUR BEAN-COUNTING! AWAKE AND CHANGE YOUR WAYS!!

 

by quodlibet
2-12-05
What's up?
Chatting with Alien.
You send an electronic signal through a thousand miles of wiring and switches...
...just to chat with your housemate one floor away?
It's just as easy as chatting with someone halfway around the world.

 

by quodlibet
2-12-05
The house will burn down any day from our faulty electrical wiring.
And we're on our second mortgage to pay off the plumbing before the house collapses from water damage.
But what we REALLY needed was a four-hundred-dollar foozball table. So we bought one.
That's one of the wisest moves we've made in a long time.

 

by quodlibet
2-15-05
The alternative to cosmic bowling.
SWEEEEEEEEEEP! NO! LINE! NO! CLEAR! NO! SWEEEEEEEEEEP!!
Cosmic curling!
Damn it, Bob, stop throwing those rocks at my feet!

 

by quodlibet
2-15-05
Licensing objective #14511.2: Generate a sound differential diagnosis.
So what brings you to the Emergency Room today?
I hurt my wrist playing foozball.
1. Overuse syndrome: this fucking idiot tells the truth. 2. A malingerer. 3. Overuse syndrome: This dateless schmuck masturbated too much on Valentine's Day.
Any rate, he's an idiot. How does this constitute an emergency?
Definitive treatment consists of prophylactic amputation.
Uh..hey look! My wrist's fine now! Better be going now!

 

by quodlibet
2-16-05
After blowing myself up for the cause of righteousness, where are my 78 virgin houris?

 

by quodlibet
2-16-05
Repent, sinner, repent for the one who died for your sins! Yes, you! Repent, I say, repent!

 

by quodlibet
2-16-05
Why I opened up New England for that company! 'Willy Loman! Come on in!' they used to say.
Now they just turn their backs on me. Closed their doors. Don't answer my calls.
Just like you, Lord. Lord, just like you.

 

by quodlibet
2-26-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
I don't think this is an appropriate time for victory sex. Maybe tonight.
See you later, then.

 

by quodlibet
2-26-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
We ARE downtown. We are, in fact, two blocks from their office.
I know, but all that outdoor pollution's bad for my lungs.

 

by quodlibet
2-26-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
We ARE downtown. We are, in fact, two blocks from their office.
Yes, but I'd hate to be run over while crossing the twelve-lane superhighway in the moment of my glory.

 

by quodlibet
2-27-05
Jessica Simpson! Wow! It's really you! You're my role model! Hey, wanna smoke?
Sure!
Airheads and bombshells shouldn't smoke. Witness the Hindenburg II.

 

by quodlibet
2-27-05
I love teaching little kids!
You're a pedophile! I'm telling my Mommy! She'll sue you and put me through lifetime of counselling!
You shouldn't smoke, Jim.
Neither should you!
One plus one does NOT equal 10!
In binary it does. Sheesh, teacher, you're dumb.

 

by quodlibet
2-27-05
I failed grade 3? Again? My dad's the principal and he'll bust yo' ass for this!
Okay, okay. Here you go -- straight 'A's. On to grade four with you!

 

by quodlibet
2-27-05
How do you feel about your home collapsing, killing your whole family?
How do you think I feel?
And what's the chance of this happening again? The answer is a definite 'maybe yes.'
Fuck off, bastard.
Well, it looks like some people can't a little bit of bad news.

 

by quodlibet
3-07-05
I won BTC #21 on stripcreator.com!
Fifty dollars, man, fifty dollars.

 

by quodlibet
3-07-05
Hey, you're the loser who lost us the World Series!

 

by quodlibet
3-08-05
And that's why it's two years overdue.
You're so full of shit.

 

by quodlibet
3-13-05
I believe, therefore I exist.
I'm an atheist.
Oh fuck.

 

by quodlibet
3-13-05
God says, give unto others as you wish others to give unto you.
I'm an ape, Jesus. Darwin's my man and evolution's my Bible.
Just one bite of your banana. I'm so hungry.
Hungry enough to say, 'I'm your Daddy?'
No. Just give me the banana!
Survival of the fittest.

 

by quodlibet
3-13-05
How could something like this happen?
Sir! The witness is ready to speak.
Tell us exactly what happened ma’am.
Well...
Suppose car A is travelling at 30 mph from point X to point Y, and car B is speeding along at 60 mph from point C to D, the distance from A to D is equal to E and F and car A will --
You're the driver of car A?
Obviously.

 

by quodlibet
3-18-05
So, my child, you have a problem?
If God slept with Mary to produce Jesus, then he's an adulterer and has no moral authority. And the sanctity of marriage becomes a travesty.
That's a fair question, my son. Let me refer you to a higher authority.
Okay, okay, I believe you. Please stop torturing me now.
Great timing! You'll burn as a heretic tomorrow.

 

by quodlibet
3-18-05
So, my child, you have a problem?
Jesus was dead, and came back to life. Which no one else has done how worthy they are.
Correct.
What does this have to do with rabbits laying eggs?
Shut up and put money in the plate.

 

by quodlibet
3-19-05
Well, mister, we have a great deal on parrots this afternoon.
I'll take one.
You're not a very good parrot. 'Polly wanna cracker.' Say it.
'Polly wanna cracker.'
PAPA!

 

by quodlibet
3-19-05
So many people ask me why I am such a great matador. It is a matter of skill and intimidation. Witness this.
Oh yeah. Take it! Tomorrow you will be mine in the ring!
Moooooooooooo!!
Now I know why I lost that match.
PAPA!

 

by quodlibet
3-19-05
Well, he could be mine. He's as well-hung as I am.
PAPA!

Showing page 6.

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