All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
9-28-03

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
I ate my couch.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
My couch is in the shop.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
He stole my purse!
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
He was baa-aa-ad.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
The little liar tried to pull himself over my eyes!
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Ken, why do you have a baby sheep in your pants?
I've always wanted "wool in" trousers?
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
Kaufman had to leave.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
Haggis.
*Baa-aa-a?*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
Why do you look like a Scooby-Doo villain?
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
He ate my pants.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
!
*Baa-aa-a*
Why is that baby sheep in your lap?
Needs more sodomy!
*Baa-aa-a!*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03
?
*Baa-aa-a*
Why are you sitting on that baby sheep?
Oops! I thought it was boorite's dog.
*Baa-aa-a*

 

by umfumdisi
9-28-03

 

by umfumdisi
9-29-03
"Diner" Redux...
I am Chessmaster 5000. Welcome to McMyers Food Emporium. May I take your order, Prime Minister Pete Nice?
Able was I ere I saw Elba. I'll take some toast in the flavor of Melba.
Would you like absinthe with that?
Why...yes, I haven't had absinthe since my days at university studying Quantam Palindromic Equations!
A Few Draughts Later...
"Warning: Use of absinthe may cause hallucinations involving monkeys and re-enacting 'Amazon Women On The Moon.' Sorry, jes_"
That sounds like a series of unlikely explanations!

 

by umfumdisi
9-29-03
Wow, it's President Bush. He looks so much smaller in person.
E Pluribus...Uranus. *snicker*
Say, Mr. Bush, do you know that Jenna has declared a double major based on her loves of religion and wealth...
Didn't Mama warningize me about a man holding a cat?.
It's Voodoo Economics.
I've been kaufmanated....... (He dies.)

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
Abraham's Knees! How did this happen Jebediah?
I had a "sheepwreck."

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
Wow, the sky up here reminds of my favorite video game--Galaga. What's your favorite?
I always liked Pengo...
Sweet--a blue diamond!
I don't remember that one. What's your favorite instrument?
A butt tuba!

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
Morning...
waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah.
It's okay, he's just colicky.
Afternoon...
waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah.
Maybe he's just hungry.
Evening...
waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah, waah.
I can't believe I wanted one of these.

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids.
In fact it's cold as hell,
And there's no one there to raise them if you did.
And all this science I don't understand;
It's just my job five days a week--
A rocket man, a rocket man.

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
?
!
Daddy!

 

by umfumdisi
10-02-03
Wow, that cheapass umfumdisi finally sent me some funds!
I wonder how he came up with the money?
I'll cover my bald head with oil and rub it all over your body.
Great. I assume you take Discover?

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
MOO!
And that's how you take a cow's temperature.
I have much to learn.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
I've killed millions, yet I'm more beloved than Bill Clinton!
Welcome to Hell.
RARRR!!! I"VE CORNHOLED MILLIONS, YET I'M MORE BELOVED THAN R2D2!
Welcome to Hell.
So, you listen to their story, and, if it's good enough, let them in. And you do this FOREVER. Got it?
Welcome to my Hell.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
I don't remember the women being this hot when I was in college the first time!
So what's the deal with the old, bald guy?

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
...and 30% of your grade will come from a group database project which you will work on and complete using Excel.
XL?
Great, I'll probably get stuck with the old guy.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
So, why do you want to major in advertising?
Well, my previous major was Communications, so I have a head start on the cirriculum.
Plus, I think copywriting is an ideal occupation based on my writing skills and creativity.
You don't look like the advertising type. Why don't you try the janitorial sciences?
Wow. So you get PAID to be a bitch?

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
Now what was I going to say? Oh, yes, here it is on this paper. What makes you want to become a teacher?
Well, during my educational career, I've experienced good and bad teachers. I always felt empathy with the good teachers because they were capable of teaching life lessons--not just book lessons.
So you want to be one of the "good" teachers that makes an impact upon his students?
Exactly! Say, aren't you the AmLit professor with the lisp and the gay moustache whose classes I used to fall asleep in?
Say, that last sentence ended with a preposition--any "good" teacher knows you don't do that. I'm sorry, we don't think you're College of Education material.
Great, my future decided by a goof, a pouf, and an old douchebag.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-03
Umfumdisi, the University of Tennessee confers upon you the degree of Bachelor of Arts...
Wow, this is so great!
with all the Rights, Privileges, and Honors thereunto appertaining!
And it only took me SEVEN more years than it should have.
Six Months Later...
Honey, I'm proud of you for finishing school and earning your English degree, but shouldn't you have a job by now?
Apparently, I should have gone into Advertising.

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03
twit-twit
twittly-twit.
???
dumb ol' coyote

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03
Take me to your leader
No bitch.
Luckily, I just switched to Geico!

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03
KEEEE-WAH!
GNUNGE!
YI-YI-YI-YAW!
*huff* *puff*
Not bad. But you must train harder in order to break the fourth wall.

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03
Say, Timmy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?
Get lost, you homo-nonerectus!
Say, Tommy, would you like to play "hide the microphone" with me?
I'd say I'd hide my boot up yo' ass, but you'd like that.
Gee, Spanks, molesting young boys looks a lot easier when you do it.
Perhaps you try too hard, Asshopper.

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03

 

by umfumdisi
10-06-03
Oh Cher, I ask you to give me the strength to makeover this train wreck of a man.
Is you queer? BRAAAAAAP!
Six Months Later (After Liposuction, Detox, A Nip & A Tuck, And A Tiny Bit-O-Botox)...
Maybe I went a tad too traditional...
Doest thou dwell in Sodom?
Here, take my jacket...accessorize a smidge. Oh, you are hotter than a bullfighter's bum!
I feel like boarding you.

 

by umfumdisi
10-08-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
Cause the PAVEMENT was "Slanted And Enchanted."
I don't get it.

 

by umfumdisi
10-08-03
Hey, wanna hear a joke I heard?
Alright.
Why did the dwarf cross the road?
Hmmn...
To take the "short" cut!

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
Curses! You found my secret lair. But how? Oh, yes, I shouldn't have put in that pipe leading straight down here.
So, you don't have anything to say for yourself? Fine, I'll go ahead and tell you that I have the Princess.
Stoicism, eh? Well, your sniggly mortal powers are no match for mine. I'll go over here and diddle the Princess while you fight my henchmen.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
i might be small, but i'm quick, and i'll give you typhoid
Bwoi-Woi-Woink!
crap, it's Catsuit Mario; i'm done for
Okay, that was a gimme. But you won't like the next guy.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
that's right I'm a fireball moving in one direction. you'll never make it past me or my buddies
JUMP!
JUMP!

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
JUMP!
whoosh...
JUMP!
He jumped right over me! I suck.
You do realize that the Princess is, like, twice your size. She probably won't have anything to do with you even if you do manage to save her. NEXT!

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
I'm Satan's right-metacarpus man. All I have to do is run into you and you're dead.
JUMP! SQUISH!
And all you had to do to kill me was jump on my head? That doesn't seem right.
I like your style, Mario. If you can defeat this next opponent, then you and I will battle to the death.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
?
Confused? Yes, I can read your thoughts--just as if they were in little balloons over your head.
You see, I started life as a humble plumber myself. I still carry this plunger around to remind me of my beginnings.
And now you're wondering if I'm going to attack you or just talk until you become bored, forget about the Princess, and leave...

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
Well, I'm Walter the Long-Winded Wizard. So, my "attack" is actually a form of defense, you see.
My diatribe leaves you unable to take action because you yourself are unable to talk. Ingenious, huh? I really annoyed Satan when we first met, but he said he had a job for me. So, here I am!
If you were capable of speech, then you might merely say that you had an appointment, or failing that, you could at least excuse yourself and make a break for the bathroom. Then, I would be powerless.
What? You're going to walk away? How rude! How can I be expected to defeat such a pugnacious, pug-nosed individual. If I ever have the misfortune to see you again.... Wait, come back.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
You are a more worthy opponent than I imagined. Still, I must make this series a bit longer, so I'm going to stall with a recap:
You bested my mouse, so that obviously means you are quick of foot and agile of mind. Or, you at least have a taste for rodent. You bested my dragon which means you exemplify strength and bravery.
You beat the Grim Reaper which is just insane. As for Walter...let's just say the only thing he'll be taking care of is Hell's Kitchen Sink.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
Okay, quit staring. I know I said I'd fight you Man-to-Mephistopheles, but I'm Satan, so I have one more trick up my ass, uh, sleeve.
I've cast a little spell over your beloved Princess. It's called...the Marriage Spell! The next time she sees you, she will think you are husband and wife!
POOF!
Hey, honey, did you have fun with Satan and the boys?

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
I hope you did have fun, cause it's taken you long enough to get here. I was begining to wonder if you were even *trying* to rescue me.
I mean, I am the "light of your life" as you always say, but does that make you pick up your cell phone and call me? Hell no. You just think you own me and that everything will be okay afterward.
Well, I have news for you Mr. Super Mario. I'm a person too. Maybe I didn't need rescuing. Maybe I ran away beause you're always out saving the world...

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
So you're not even going to defend yourself? Well I *know* what goes on up there in Cloud Cuckoo Land, and if you think I'll put up with it one more day, then you can just go to Hell!
We're already in Hell, you stupid bitch.
And I'm gay! Luigi and I have been lovers for years. I know we're brothers, but what we have is special.
Ewwwwww. I'm leaving.

 

by umfumdisi
10-09-03
FOOP!
Now what do you want?
I'm in shock. I don't know which is the bigger surprise--that you can talk or that you're gay.
Just wait 'til I tell King Koopa he got his ass kicked by a flaming homo.
Why did you call me "flaming?"
Technically, your body can not stand the heat of Hell. I've been casting a spell of Temporary Protection over you. You were dead the moment you decided to enter......HELL.

Showing page 6.

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