All comics by Scyess

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by Scyess
6-17-02
Alas! Aliens take the Earth hostage and broadcast their dasterdly ultimatum over the world's TV sets!
Sorry to interrupt your broadcasted entertainment medium, Earthlings, but we must announce your annihilation!
We will destroy each country on your planet one by one, and we will make you choose the order! Decide! Which one will go first?
At first the world registers only confusion (due in no small part to the medium by which the beings chose to make their announcement).
This is the most fucked-up episode of ER I've ever seen.
Eventually realization sets in, and the citizens of Earth rise to the challenge with a rare and heart-warming display of unity in this time of crisis...
France! Blow up France!

 

by Scyess
6-18-02
I read that India and Pakistan are backing down a bit.
You know, I believe that dispite all the war, terror, and cruelty men inflict upon each other, mankind is fundamentally good.
Even though man's intentions may be twisted or misguided... in his heart of hearts, man has a noble soul that strives for good.
I also read that there's another video coming out starring the Olsen twins.
*sigh* Nevermind.

 

by Scyess
6-20-02
You know, Anice, I really enjoy talking to you!
Me too! We should get out of here and go somewhere together. Maybe the park?
I can't remember when I've had such an interesting talk.
Yeah! We should celebrate by going out to that new restaraunt.
Why, I'm beginning to think it might not have even been necessary to lock us in this room together to get you to talk to me!
Just open the door, you boring, butt-smelling twerp...

 

by Scyess
6-20-02
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And then God found a website whereupon he could use stock art to make comic strips, and all real creation ceased as God fucked around with it for a few dozen eons.
Look! The squirrel caught fire! Hehe!

 

by Scyess
6-20-02
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
And God said, Let there be lite beer: and that one didn't go over quite so well.
Dude! This tastes like ass!
No shit! Who makes this crap, anyway?

 

by Scyess
6-20-02
And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
And God made the firmament, and divided the waters...
"Firmament" means "ground," by the way.
Right! Sorry.

 

by Scyess
6-22-02
And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs...
Hey, wait a second!
What? I'm in the middle of a story here...
You told me in the last comic that "firmament" meant "ground!" It really means "the sky!"
So? That's what you get for being too lazy to look it up yourself. Serves you right.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANT EITHER, DID YOU?

 

by Scyess
6-22-02
And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.
And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
And God, with his sense of humor, did not bring them forth from the water all at once, but let some of them flop around a bit first.
blubblub aaabababa! Where amb I? blub I canb'tb breathbe!
Haha

 

by Scyess
6-23-02
And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.
And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food."
Fuck.

 

by Scyess
6-23-02
The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the man there was not found a helper fit for him.
And I'll call you... Reginald!
Jerk.
So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh;
RRRIIIIIPPPP!!!
AAIIYYIIIEEE!!!! Ow ow ow! OW! Medic!
And the LORD God, "Sorry, buddy... you were supposed to sleep through that bit."
Could YOU sleep while someone was ripping your ribcage apart? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!!!

 

by Scyess
6-23-02
and the rib which the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Here ya go...
Then the man said,
"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."
Actually, I'd prefer "Womyn."
And the eternal cycle began.
Dammit, girl, I had to have a rib ripped out just to make you, so don't cross me.
Ha! If that's the most pain you ever get of this relationship you'll be a lucky Man.

 

by Scyess
6-23-02
...?
HEY, TATAKI!!!
What?
It's a crazy day! I feel like going CRAZY!!! You want to go CRAAAAAAZY with me? Let's get nuts! Go loco! Wig out! Be CRAZY!!
Will this be as crazy as the time you wore your right shoe on your left foot, and your left shoe on your right?
No, not THAT crazy.

 

by Scyess
6-23-02
...
AAAH! DAMN YOU, PC! ROT IN HELL, INTERNET! I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE! YOU DON'T OWN ME! FROM HERE ON OUT I ESCHEW YOU! DIE!!!
You know, you'd save a lot of money on computers if you just gave up playing online euchre.
grr... bastard... ace of clubs MY ASS!

 

by Scyess
6-24-02
Here's a scenario. What would you do if I told you to design a OC-768 protocol-agnostic 16x16 switch fabric on a 400 pin PBGA by, say, Tuesday?
Well, first I'd get some rope. Then I'd get some wood, and nails, and glue...
Sorry to hear you didn't get the job.
It's okay. At least he threw me out before I had time to explain what I was going to do to him with all that stuff.

 

by Scyess
6-25-02
We're about to crash into the ocean! This is the end!
Don't worry; remember our seat cushions can be used as flotation devices!
Well, you have to admit, we ARE floating.
Shut up.

 

by Scyess
6-25-02
I looked up "poignant." It means "pointed." I guess it's good to have very poignant knitting needles.
Um, not really.
Well, I saw "unctuous" means "slimey." I don't like slugs because they're too unctuous.
Nope, that's not quite it.
Man... English would be so much easier to learn if it weren't for the dictionary.
I think you're just not very "shining or glowing with light."

 

by Scyess
6-25-02
I don't know why I bother coming to clubs. No one ever dances with me. I'm so pathetic!
Hi there! I saw you standing here alone and wondered if you wanted to dance.
Yeah! That would be great!
You've just made my entire year! I'm so glad you wanted to dance with me!
I couldn't resist; It's such a turn on when my wrestler boyfriend flies into a jealous rage and dismembers someone in public. HEY, SPIKE! THIS GUY JUST GRABBED MY ASS!

 

by Scyess
6-25-02
TV programs sure have hit bottom these days. I can't believe some people waste up to 6 hours a day watching that shit!
Jon, are you going to sit in front of that TV all night?
For your information, I am not "sitting in front of this TV!" I was just thinking how TV programs are a big waste of time!
Anyway, I'll go to bed as soon as I finish level 15 of "Donkey Kong NBA Flight Sim World."
*bing* *pow* Welcome to Level 2.

 

by Scyess
6-25-02
You know, you sure do bitch a lot about TV for a guy who watches so much TV.
I don't watch TV at all! I'm watching tapes.
Oh yeah? Tapes of what?
Oh, you know... stuff I recorded while I was out...
Wow... I'm impressed. That's some rationalization and loophole-ing that would leave even corporate attornies stunned and reeling in amazement.
That's fine; as long as I avoid hypocracy!

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
You can't truly judge me before you get to know me!
I know! Dude, I'm sure you're a nice guy...
"Girl."
Ow.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
Follow me!
Lead on.
Now what?
Drink! Now!
*gulp* *gulp* *gulp* See? I told you I'm not a horse.
How do I know you weren't just thirsty?

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
Actually, I think that all blond left-handed women with green eyes secretly worship the devil.
Was I talking to you? Why don't you just butt out.
-~ ~-~ ~- ENORMOUS BUTT! -~ ~-~ ~-
Surely you saw that coming.
Dammit, I should've known there was a reason they made you a goat.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
They're all Satinists, you know. Them and black Jewish gay stenographers who bite their nails.
You again? Stop interrupting me! Just butt out!
-~ ~-~ ~- ENORMOUS BUTT! -~ ~-~ ~-
Hey, was that Rosie O'Donnel?
Geez... you could crush coal into diamonds between those cheeks.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
You know what's fun? Ramming things as hard as I can with my head.
Dammit, I wasn't talking to you, you stupid goat! Why don't you just butt the hell out? Just _BUTT_ OUT!
-~ ~-~ ~- ENORMOUS BUTT! -~ ~-~ ~-
Hi there!
That's it; I'm leaving before this already nearly-unintelligible joke gets any worse.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
Goats can eat just about anything, but we really like grass. I wasn't following you at all.
This is astroturf! Stop following me around! What does it take to get you to just butt out of my life! You and your little goatie horns can _BUTT_ out!
-~ ~-~ ~- ENORMOUS BUTT! -~ ~-~ ~-
Okay, these "butt" jokes were lame before, but now they're just getting surreal...
"Butt" also means "a backstop (as a mound or bank) for catching missiles shot at a target." Look it up.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
So, if you were in the market, do you think you would categorize me as "lovable" or "detestable?"
Hmm... I think I'd probably have to go with "flammable."
What do you mean fla-... AAAAAHHHHH!!
heh heh
Sometimes I wonder if you take our heart-felt conversations seriously, or just use them as an excuse to burn and regenerate my flesh.
I'll never tell.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
Please??!? PLEASE can we make out? Just a little! C'mon...
Sorry, Jon, I just don't like you in that way. There's more to life than sex, you know.
Like what?
Like sex with people more attractive than you.

 

by Scyess
6-28-02
I'm outta here.
C'mon, Tataki! Just a little making out! It won't hurt! I'm good at it, I bet!
We'll just do some casual kissing! Between friends! We won't even do tongues until you're ready!
Oh, I'm ready, big boy. Pucker up.
Uh, Tataki was here just now. I swear.
No second thoughts! Go with your feelings! Plant me a big wet one, Romeo!

 

by Scyess
6-29-02
Tell me, Jon. Do you wear boxers or briefs?
Um... boxers. Why?
HIYA!!
Gaaauuh!
...because it's helpful to know when aiming a high-precision kick.
*gurgle*

 

by Scyess
6-29-02
Good news, Jon! My boss gave me a promotion today!
That's great, Earl! How much more will you be making?
More? Actually, they'll be paying me less from now on.
Oh. Well, do you at least not have to sit all day with your face over open sewer grates?
Actually, now I'll be dangled down head-first by my feet with barbed wire until the fetid water below is up to my shoulders. But I get to wear a cap that says "manager" on it!
Make sure you staple it to your head.

 

by Scyess
6-29-02
Blessed be the Lord our Goat, Goat of our fathers and Goat of their fathers before them.
Blessed be the Goat who doth reside in the heavens, the Goat who... hey, wait a second!
Curt! Someone scratched out the word "God" and wrote "Goat" in my prayerbook!
You don't say! And here I thought you were just a shameless flatterer.

 

by Scyess
7-02-02
Yep, I live in a house. It's got doors. Oh, and windows. And paint. On the outside. I like paint. It's good. I also like trees...
...must... stay... awake... fight... sweet... sleep... Actually, why bother? ZZzZZzZzZ
Congratulations, Jon! You've won the "Least Entertaining Interlocutor of the Year" award! Your prize is to stand 500 miles from any living being and talk into a microphone that's not plugged in.
Wow! All right!
So then I thought, "Fucia? What about tope?" Of course, you can imagine what happened after THAT fiasco.
Before today I didn't believe an inanimate object could wish for death.

 

by Scyess
7-02-02
The pope is the leader of our religion, and as such, is infallible.
...in the name of the father, the son, and Roy Orbison -- wait, I mean the holy ghost.
Well, I guess that blows a hole in your little theory.
Damn.

 

by Scyess
7-02-02
You can't dismiss the pope just because he made a recitation error. He's still infallible.
How can he be infallible if he made a mistake?
"Infallible" in the Roman Catholic definition means, "Incapable of error in expounding doctrine on faith or morals," not just any mistake.
So, you see, by that definition, the pope is still infallible.
Oh, I see. In that case, I hereby define you to be a turkey sandwich. Just sit still while I grab a beer and devour you.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
Darn it, stop arguing. The pope is infallible, and that's that!
"Pater Noster, qui est in --" *pthsltlptlt* "Aw, crap."
I think you mean "incontinent."
Holy shit!

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
I don't understand how you Catholics can be against abortion AND contraception? How do you justify that?
Well, son, it's a matter of moral choice...
It's also a matter of the multi-billion dollar underground baby-selling businesses we run.
Ah.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
I don't know if I approve of all the Catholic jokes I've been party to recently. I'm just not sure Catholic jokes are funny.
Well, that's too bad, Earl. Maybe you'd prefer homosexual, inter-species, anal rape jokes.
Well, yeah. That's more like it!
Another satisfied customer.
Excuse me, I need an ass pack. ...I mean ice pack.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
Hey, Jon. When you pull the pin on a gernade, does it start a count-down, or does it just initialize it to explode on impact?
Gee, Jim, I don't know. I can't imagine ever needing to know that; can you?
Yep.
Oh.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
Darn it, Tataki, I've tried everything, and I've seen lots of other guys try, too. What the heck are you looking for in a man?
I want a man who can defeat me in hand-to-hand combat.
Uuhhh...
Why did you even try? You KNEW you were going to lose.
I didn't; right after she said it she jumped me.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
Although I'm a man, I wear a dress. I also drink a lot and talk funny. People all but openly avoid talking to me. Who am I?
Gee, I don't know. A depressed transvestite stroke victim?
No, I'm Scottish. But I get that a lot. Sexy.
My ass is off-limits, if that's what you're thinking, Scot-boy.

 

by Scyess
7-04-02
Marsha, I want you back! Why did we let the love between us die?
It didn't die, Fredric. It just had a massive stroke. It can't feel the left side of it's body anymore.
It can barely talk. It sits in a pool of its own urine most of the day, and all its friends have abandoned it. It's effective IQ is 70.
This means something...

 

by Scyess
7-05-02
Okay, again! Ready, go!
Ha! Won again! Now you have to buy me lunch!
Okay, again! Ready, go!
Ha! Won again! Now you have to give me a massage on my birthday!
One Reason Palentologists Find Little Pre-Historic Evidence of T-Rexes Gambling at Rock-Paper-Scissors
grrr... ready, GO! Darn, rock again! How did you know?
Ha! Scissors again! Now you have to mow my lawn!

 

by Scyess
7-05-02
Curt! Glad you could make it.
Are you kidding? How could I miss "All-Goat Singles Night?" Just show me the way!
------------------- *** SLAM! *** -------------------
No offense, Jim, but I'm beginning to worry that it's just you and me here, and you slammed the door and set a time lock for morning.
No need to worry about that. Don't worry that the inside of my chaps are coated in Vaseline, either.

 

by Scyess
7-05-02
That's silly. You're uncle can't have had a "massive" heart attack. Heart attacks don't have mass!
Maybe the blood clot has mass, but hardly enough to be called "massive." And the heart attack itself is a condition, and as such totally lacks mass...
grrr...
...and that's when she gave me a massive beating.
Don't be silly, Jon! Beatings don't have mass!

 

by Scyess
7-05-02
I have to say, it's wierd to meet a blind date in complete darkness.
I'm shy.
Aw, c'mon! You sound great from your ad. 5'4", 110 lbs, "well-endowed," I can hardly wait to see you!
Okay, I'll get the lights. Here goes.
*click*
Uuhhh...
OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HIDEOUS! GET OUT! AAAHHH!!

 

by Scyess
7-05-02
Every year on my birthday, I try to quit smoking. But even thinking about it, I get cravings I can't deny...
You can't resist the urge to smell like a fire at a shit factory! The fun part of lung cancer is the incessant, painful coughing! You love being sequestered outside or into designated areas!
Aha! Caught ya! Get yer ass ready for some good ol' fashioned stimulus-response!
That is, until I got my "Little Blue Guy" anti_smoking_system! If he catches you smoking, he sodomizes you with his bayonett! See the urges to smoke vanish in minutes! "Little Blue Guy": Try it today!

 

by Scyess
7-06-02
Ha! You think you've got me, but you don't! For I no longer accept the linear nature of what you call "time!" This happened before that, that before this -- all meaningless!
Facts are not, as you imagine, continuous strings of events, but near_random occurrances with no place or time! Everything past and present is a big chaotic jumble of anomalies!
Sorry, Ben, but you still have to take the history final.
Lou was right, backing over him in the parking lot would have been better.

 

by Scyess
7-06-02
One day in the late Triassic...
Indeed! And last week, Martha threw me a surprise birthday party! She even baked, the dear.
Ah, Martha always was sweet. The rest of the boys from the glee club always envied your getting such a prime catch.
Oh, pish-posh, though I must say I quite fancy her! Well, Reginald, it's always good seeing you, but I'm due at the manicurists by ten.
Always good catching up with you, old chum! Take care, and do try to take it easy on the butter scones; they're simply loaded with cholestorol.
Millions of years later, at the Smithsonian Museum...
...and the t-rex and triceratops, mortal enemies, were constantly locked in combat, horns flying and teeth blazing, in the constant battle for survival!
Gosh!

 

by Scyess
7-06-02
Dammit, I swear we passed that tree half an hour ago! Give me back the map.
You had it for a whole hour and couldn't find the way; now it's my turn.
You're just getting us more lost! At this rate we'll be wandering around until my birthday.
YOU were the one who lost the path in the first place. Hey, is that rock on the map?
Rocks don't show up on maps, you imbicile! How can you be so incompetent?
I have a brain the size of a peanut. What's your excuse?

 

by Scyess
7-07-02
Are you SURE you don't have to poop?
Well, you've been asking all day, and yes, inevitably I finally do have to poop.
*plop* . . . **BOOM!!!**
You wouldn't happen to know who added the chemical to my toilet that explodes when it comes in contact with poop, would you?
I have no idea what you're talking about, and I resent the implication that I might have had something to do with it.

Showing page 7.

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