All comics by Moturd

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by Moturd
11-24-19
The House Oversight and Reform subcommittee on environment
Please state your name for the record.
Dr. Bruce Banner
So you have a Phd in some technical or scientific field?
Not exactly. I'm really just here to subconciously influence public opinion.
How do your pants stay on when you hulk out?
That area always was kind of small in the first place.

 

by Moturd
11-25-19
Go on, go home.
No fair! How come he pardoned you?
I told him I killed an Al Quaeda with my bare hands!

 

by Moturd
12-01-19
Now Hunter, please tell us what you know. And I will fill in the blanks in your testimony.
Daddy said that when he was in the Whitey House, trading military aid for political favors was...
Go on.
Something quo... It's Latin. I don't know what it means.
I think the term you are looking for is "Quid Pro Quo"
Nope... Oh, yeah! Now I remember. Status Quo

 

by Moturd
12-03-19
Sony Playstation turns 25 today.
Regarding future plans for the venerable game console, Sony says...
"After extensive negotiations, Playstation has promised to find a job, move out of the basement, and maybe even find a girlfriend."

 

You'd think after leaving them 200 grand, your kids would pay another $150 for someone to dig a grave.
by Moturd, 12-06-19

 

by Moturd
12-08-19
They should hire some unemployed actors to carry food around on trays instead of taping it to the wall
Oh my gosh! You liked my exhibit so much you paid $120,000 to eat it!
Uh...
It has something, yes? A certain je ne sais quoi?
It does have a peel.

 

by Moturd
12-09-19
It has come to our attention that an offensive item was being sold through our web site by a third party.
Walmart in no way condones the behavior portrayed on the front of the sweater ...
... showing Hunter Biden dressed in a Santa suit
Buy a new couch, rich motherfucka!

 

by Moturd
12-13-19
I kept up as long as I could but this chemo therapy is really taking a toll.
We hate to lose you Alex, but don't worry about the ratings. Steve Harvey agreed to host.
Category: Crude Innuendo
The $800 answer is: Human DNA. Kristina?
What is stuff you put in your mouth but don't swallow.

 

by Moturd
12-15-19
California men rejoice as their penises wash up on a beach. Previously they had no idea where their liberal wives and boyfriends had hidden them...

 

by Moturd
12-16-19
If I am elected, I promise to put AOC in a very, very important role in my Whitehouse.
One that she is eminently qualified for...
Making coffee.

 

by Moturd
12-16-19
An aide of Pope Francis brought 33 refugees back with him to Vatican City.
My heart wants to help, but Vatican City is only one square mile. How will we feed and dress so many? Where will they sleep and bathe?
We must open our homes and beds as well as our hearts.
But we don't know who they are or where they are from.
Kids. And Lesbos.
Why didn't you say so? I'll take two of each! Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

 

by Moturd
12-19-19
Seriously? You want to impeach me for what Joe Biden admitted to publicly?
Shush, Donald. Put your head in the noose, or we'll be forced to add obstruction.
Drawing up articles of impeachment...

 

Why do people keep calling me a shit head?
by Moturd, 12-21-19

 

by Moturd
12-21-19
I just don't know. I've never been on a cruise. Are they fun?
Everyone says Carnival cruises are the best. Let's try it!
Are you ladies single mothers?
No.
No.
Would you like to be?

 

by Moturd
12-23-19
Police discover frozen corpse of husband missing for 10 years...
You deaf old bag! I asked you to put me in a nice box, not an ice box!

 

by Moturd
12-26-19
Attempts to raise data security awareness in the office...
This article says black hats can steal your bank account by hacking your keyfob to root your printer then use it to keylog your PC.
That sounds a bit far-fetched even if it's theoretically possible.
can have unintended effects on the unstable.
Bruh, I hear if your password isn't 512 random ascii characters then you are probably already hacked.
That explains how the CIA can hear everything on the microphone they implanted in my ass. Ah! Ahhhhh!
TDS started the same way.
The fake polls we use to bolster our agenda can't be wrong. Hillary won in 2016. Resist!
Eat a **** orange **** ****ing russia collusion ******* Biden *** Ukraine ****ing dog ****! Ah! Ah! Ahhhhhh!

 

by Moturd
12-28-19
What's that sound?
That eerie howling?
Mommy, I'm scared.
Let's pack it up. This is too creepy.
Every year on the anniversary of her concession speech, Hillary does primal scream therapy...
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

 

General James Mattis runs for president as an independent. Campaign slogan: Mad Dog 2020
by Moturd, 12-28-19

 

by Moturd
12-30-19
Democracy dies in darkness, comrade
Turn the lights off.
Replublicans are going to explode when we steal the next election like they did in 2016.
Ha ha, I can't wait. But they didn't really steal the election in 2016.
We've said it enough. It should be true by now.

 

by Moturd
12-30-19
AOC prognosticates to the press...
The world is going to end in 12 years! Global warming has passed the point of no return!
So... I shouldn't make any more house payments?
Don't bother. But if you vote Democrat in 2020, we can say magic words and wave a green wand to fix everything.
Attention ladies and nonbinary gentlebeings, we are being bumped so President Trump can make a yuge announcement.
Our very great American scientists have learned to make limitless energy from fusion, with no pollution and no radiation.
Also no carbon. The fuel comes from water, and the only byproduct is helium which we can use to fill party balloons.

 

by Moturd
1-05-20
I read that spammers purposely make typos and glaring errors in their phishing emails.
Really, why would they do that?
So smart people filter themselves out. They only get replies from the dummies they can easily fool.
Ah! So that's why liberal media is filled with half-truths, innuendo, insinuation, and misleading headlines.
Exactamundo.
Whoa, I just blew my own mind.

 

by Moturd
1-10-20
Have you ever wondered how many unique random comic layouts there are at stripcreator.com?
Used to. That's why I needed a lobotomy.
There are 926 characters and 152 backgrounds for 926^2*152 or 130.336,352 possible combinations.
I just threw up a little in my mouth.
If you viewed a unique random comic layout every second, 5 days a week, in 8 hour shifts... it would take 17.34 years to view them all.
Then how come the regulars repeat so many?

 

The day a black person calls out a black person for using the N-word
Alright, who's been playing with the thermostat?
by Moturd, 1-12-20

 

by Moturd
1-17-20
Ariana Grande being sued again. Copying song by Josh Stone. Supposed.
All 39 notes of "7 Rings" identical to the 39 notes of "You need it, I got it" Lawsuit say.
Next she be sued by Rogers and Hammerstein
Why dat?
The rest of the song is note for note ripoff of Julie Andrews singing "A few of my favorite things"
Check it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkDPTAfnZNU

 

by Moturd
1-19-20
My next pick for Supreme Court Justice is a man you all know and admire, none other than the King of Kings, himself, Jesus Christ
But the senate confirms nominees...
You used to be quite the hellraiser according to the honorable senator from New York, Charles Evil (D)
He says you drank wine religiously, and in a fit of rage, overturned the tables in a temple.
Don't ask about abortion. Don't ask about abortion.

 

by Moturd
1-21-20
I figured out why stripcreator looks empty: if you are in a red state, it only shows you conservative comics.
Hallo English. Did you take the red pill?
Yup. God bless America.
If you are in a blue state, it only shows you liberal comics.
I wish to be a woman now. Call me Yolanda.
You still white, so fork over my reparations, Yolanda.
If you are in a fugue state, you only see that one guy who posts crazy shit. He's a congressman now.
It's time for your meds, Adam.

 

by Moturd
1-24-20
A new scented candle is born...
Uhh, this smells like vagina.
Dude, they're selling a candle on Goop that Gwyneth Paltrow told her perfumer smelled like a vagina.
Seriously?
I wonder what Gwyneth's vagina smells like. I want one of those candles.
Fuck the candle! I want that dude's job! Here Gwyneth, this one smells like ass crack. Pay me!

 

by Moturd
1-25-20
Welcome to Jon Jon's Fish and Chicken!
Cool. So what's good here?
(psst. i can't really talk right now. my boss is right behind me.)
Everything on Jon Jon's menu is delicious! Our fish strips are flavored with real fish!

 

by Moturd
1-25-20
My my, hey hey... Red states love the USA... It's better to turn out... on election day... My my, hey hey
These celebrities kept saying they were going to move to Canada if America elected me president.
Out of the red and into the black... America's future is coming back... We gave them this... Look how they pay us back... Sleeper cells and terror attacks
But look at what they do, not what they say. None of them left. America is great, and they are dying to get in.
Hey hey my my... Russian collusion will never die... more to impeachment... than Clinton money could buy... Hey hey my my
I should've added Canada to the travel ban list.

 

by Moturd
1-31-20
The third accuser, Jessica Mann, tells another tale of sordid sexual assault...
Harvey Weinstein is deformed and intersex. He does not have testicles. He has a vagina. His hygeine is just bad. He smells like shit. He is dirty.
Sounds nasty. Why didn't you call the relationship off?
I thought he would hurt my father. He said he has guys with bats...
Harvey, old pal! Do you have any work for me? It doesn't have to be horror. I can do romance and comedy too.

 

by Moturd
2-01-20
With only 3 letters revealed in the bonus round, “_ _ _ _ _ N G _ A _ _”
CHASING TAIL?
GUESSING FAIL
NSFW? What's wrong with that? I chase my tail all the time.
Oh my! Did she really say that on TV? It's obviously SUCKING WANG

 

by Moturd
2-05-20
1820 A.D.
You Whig!
You Federalist!
2020 A.D.
You Democrat!
You Republican!
2120 A.D.
You Socialist!
I traded my legs for a bag of weed. You have to give me one of yours!

 

by Moturd
2-05-20
Here Skeletor, give this Donald Trump. He ruin our plans to take over world. Tell him big 'fuck you' from China.
I'm so sorry. This never would have happened if Hillary were president.
Nancy, Chairman Xi says he left a piece of paper with you. Where's it at?
I tore it up. It was the courteous thing to do.
That was a five trillion dollar bill! I negotiated for years to get that intellectual property infringement payment.
Five trillion dollars! I'm sorry, Ricky. I just wanted to be in the show. Waaah! Waaaaaaaah!

 

by Moturd
2-06-20
I was the lone GOP vote to convict for religious reasons. (I secretly swore on a bible to Nancy Pelosi that I would.)
I expect there will be unimaginable consequences.
Come Judgement Day...
I knew there would be consequences but never imagined this! Don't tell me Trump was on the good side all along.
Nah. He's Chaotic Neutral. You're here because you once drank a soda with caffeine in it.

 

by Moturd
2-07-20
It seems rather punitive to send me to Hell over one soft drink. There was nothing else on the refreshment table!
Well, you know,  we had to draw the line somewhere. By the way, God sends his regards from planet Kolob.
So we mormons were right! Our unique belief system is the one true faith! At least I can take solace in that as I pay my penance. 
Heh heh. There's no such thing as Kolob! I was just yanking your chain, Romney. It's all part of the program.
This still seems quite harsh for a Mountain Dew.
Know what else is quite harsh? An enormous demon dong destroying your sphincter for ever and ever, amen.

 

by Moturd
2-07-20
I'm forbidden to have sex with anyone who isn't my spouse. I don't even know your name!
Ben Dover--
Please don't make me do that!
--but my friends call me Benji.
Oh, you were only introducing yourself. I completely misunderstood.
I'm glad you caught that. Would have been embarassing, eh Mitt? Ha ha ha... Now bend over.

 

by Moturd
2-07-20
At CIA headquarters
We'll have to let him go eventually, sir. Either the LSD will wear off or he'll acclimate to the sensory deprivation tank.
How long did Chris Christy make it?
About six hours.
Leave him in there for eight, and bring on that weird pink aardvark with the ears and big lips.
Do you know what a donkey punch is, Romney?
No, and I don't think I want to.

 

by Moturd
2-08-20
Oh my God, it finally dropped! I'll never have to farm this dungeon again.
No way! Seriously? You finally got the best-in-slot chest armor for your rogue?
* It Really Is Pronounced Queer Ass
Leather Cuirass* of the Dominator!
World of Orc Craft sounds interesting! Teach me to play.
Mom! Uncle Pete is touching me again!

 

by Moturd
2-12-20
Welcome to Senegal, Prime Minister Trudeau.
Mr. President, I am a great defender of human rights and therefore I must raise the issue of how Senegal treats its homosexuals.
We are very comfortable with our laws.
I don't think you understand. I bring this up, because it is a big problem which is hard to solve, but one I'm eager to come to grips with.
I see that you are only here to push a liberal western agenda. Perhaps we should have a frank and private discussion.
I thought you'd never ask.

 

by Moturd
2-13-20
Hey, Uncle Jack. I haven't seen you since I helped you off that horse.
Remember how you texted your wife and she got the wrong idea?
That was a laugh riot. Ha ha ha!
Yeah it was! Ha ha! Watch where you put those commas!
Hoooey! What a day that was. We were covered in semen!

 

by Moturd
2-15-20
Hey, did ya hear Bloomberg might ask Hillary to be his running mate?
Wouldn't surprise me. Democrats had the first black president.
If they win, Hillary would be the first female VP...
...and Bloomberg would be the first U.S. President to commit suicide.

 

by Moturd
2-16-20
Discount Vacation to an Asian Nation
But I never even tried the bat liver mousse!
Oh, my bad. You will still have to be quarantined.
I've been here for two weeks with nothing to do, not even internet. Can I go home yet?
Yes, we book you passage home on ruxury cruise riner.
Sorry, ma'am. There's a two week quarantine before we disembark.
I'm glad I didn't catch anything, but even TDS would be better than this TD.um.

 

by Moturd
2-18-20
This is Donald Trump, in the Whitehouse.
This is Bernard, in the workhouse. To what do I owe the honor of this call?
[BELCH] Pardon.
Wait. Are you pardoning me, or did you pardon yourself because you belched?
Didn't Rudy talk to you? We're running out of talent. Now, do you want to be the new Attorney General or not?
If you quit Twitter.

 

by Moturd
2-19-20
CNN HQ
I hear you're the new golden boy around here, Andrew. What bright ideas do you have to pull us out of our doldrums?
I'm full of ideas, Mr. Fredo, sir.
We offer viewers $1000 a month to watch our network.
We could easily double our ratings for a very modest investment.

 

by Moturd
2-21-20
1. Both sides make blustery demands and quickly reach an impasse.
Sell us few thousand GM cars and buy $500 Billion of our molded plastic crap with no tariff.
No! You slow down how quickly you steal our technology and take over our industries!
2. Throw a random dissident in jail.
Ho Lee Fuk just get 10 year hard labor for watching your Atlas Shrugged, filthy American propaganda
In the name of Human Rights, we demand you release that Chinese citizen from complying with Chinese law!
3. Release the troublemaker and allow him to emigrate.
Boo hoo hoo! We give in. Ho Lee Fuk can go America.
Since you made this small and totally unrelated concession we will give you everything you asked for.

 

by Moturd
2-22-20
In the year 2030, the dire climate predictions have come true. Nothing survives but cockroaches, crispy bacon strips, the coal-powered Cadillac Escalade and a booming stock market.
I'm rich!
What a nightmare. I'd better warn my constituents.
...cow farts. And that's why we must all be vegans. Of course cows will go extinct since they have no natural habitat so let's give a big hand for their sacrifice.
Wait. What?

 

Tried to make a 15 word comic but chickened out. Maybe I can half-ass it.
by Moturd, 2-22-20

 

by Moturd
2-22-20
I can tell from your wide staring eyes. You overheard us, then searched for cock porn, didn't you?
Yes. It's out there.
But that wasn't all you found, was it?
No. When Joe Biden said Corn Pop was a gang banger, he simply got the name mixed up, a Bidenesque spoonerism.
Porncock and his homies were really asking Joe, the cute white lifeguard, for group butt sex.
Well, that explains the chains and the razors.

 

by Moturd
2-29-20
I'm feeling a little verklempt today, dear. It seems Freeman Dyson just passed away.
I'm sorry, honey. Was he a friend of yours?
No, Martha. He was a legendary physicist and the inventor of the Dyson sphere
What's that?
It's a mega structure built around a star that allows a type II civilization to capture all the energy output of the star.
Oh him! I love his vacuums. They're so cute.

 

by Moturd
3-01-20
An American Indian, a commie, and
a queer walk into a bar.
And the bartender says...
The Democratic National Convention is two blocks over.

Showing page 8.

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