All comics by ZMannZilla

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Holy Cursewords, Baconman! I'm like a shitty Robin!
And I am like PORKMAN THE NAME IS PORKMAN DAMMIT!!!
by ZMannZilla, 3-19-12

 

by ZMannZilla
3-21-12
So there I am, watching Sesame Street with my daughter, and Elmo's World comes on. They start doing the "Mr. Noodle" bit, and both my daughter and I start giggling.
I thought the guy looked familiar, so I look it up, and sure enough, "Mr. Noodle's Brother Mr. Noodle" is played by Emmy Award winning actor Michael Jeter.
I also learned that he passed away in 2003. Turns out he was HIV positive. This made me a little sad, because his talents contributed to The Green Mile and Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas.
However, as sad as this made me, and as serious as the subject matter is, I will not apologize for the image that flashed through my head when I first heard the cause of death:
THASS NOT HOW YOU WEAR A CONDOM MISTAH NOODLE!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
3-23-12
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!

 

by ZMannZilla
3-23-12
What the fuck are you talking about?
Clint Eastwood's 4th Law Of Thermodynamics and how it applies to our ongoing Large Horse Collider project. Try and keep up, doctor.
Oh, right, sorry. Sometimes I forget that Rohypnol isn't a recreational drug. Probably because of all the Rohypnol I keep taking.

 

I'm a grown man with a wife and kids. Why do I still find the word "queef" funny?
Probably because a queef is basically just an NC-17 fart joke.
by ZMannZilla, 3-24-12

 

by ZMannZilla
3-25-12
Holy Cursewords Porkman! It stings when I pee! Do you suppose it has anything to do with that date I had with Medusa?
OMIZEUS DID FINCHY SEAL THE DEAL?! Porkman hopes not for Medusa has the herpes!
Yeah, I know, she told me, and said I'd get to have some if I slept with her.- but I still don't see them!
The herpes virus is too small to see so Finchy does not make sense to Porkman!
What? I thought herpes were those horrible screeching bird-woman creatures that eat the livers of men!
AND WHY WOULD GIFT OF LIVER-EATING BIRD WOMANS BE ANY BETTER?!?!?!

 

by ZMannZilla
3-26-12
I think evangelical athiests are just as annoying as over-vocal Christians.
Christians stand up for what they believe, and do so when and where they please, even if it isn't appropriate. They need a voice of reason to counter them.
Okay, but the people who don't already agree with you are conditioned to ignore you, and they aren't going to be converted by you lecturing a straw-man caricature of them.
Humor is relative. There are many people who can very clearly fathom the humor in pointing out the hypocrisy inherent in mainstream Christianity.
Yeah, but this is Stripcreator. We make comic strips here, which typically contain jokes and punchlines. "I'll pray for you" is not a punchline.
Oh, and "groovy" is?

 

by ZMannZilla
4-04-12
Paper beats rock!
Well, shit.
You have a problem, and that problem is called "hoarding".
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM LEAVE ME ALONE RAAAAARGH!!!
So, basically, it's a combination of those two concepts. I call it "Pokemon".
Love it! Can you have it ready by Christmas?

 

by ZMannZilla
4-07-12
CIA BASTARDS DID BAD TINGS TO ME, INVISIBLE HAND MAN!!!
Um... No change, sorry.
Did you finish that report like I asked you to?
I'm in Accounting, Mr. Dung Beetle. You need to ask Engineering for bug reports.
CIA Headquarters, April 1953...
I'm pleased to report that Project MK-ULTRA is well under way. The LSD doses have been distributed and-
What the... Dammit, Jenkins, I thought I told you to make me part of the CONTROL GROUP!

 

by ZMannZilla
4-21-12
We tried this the easy way, VacuumBot 5000, but since you refuse to give back my favorite bit of string, it's time for some... 'enhanced interrogation techniques".
I swear, if I could tell you where the master emptied my vacuum bag, I would!
Perhaps my claws across your hard drive will loosen your tongue!
NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NOOOOO!
Is someone playing dubstep in the basement?

 

by ZMannZilla
4-30-12
The day after I install the iBorg implant, they come out with the iBorg 2.0!
The cure for cancer tastes like salty garbage! GROSS!
Now that weed is legal, people expect me to be on time and give good customer service!
Vacationing on Mars is so expensive, I had to fly coach!
What's the point of having free health care if they don't cover penis enlargement?
My intelligence is so advanced that I can now get annoyed at all the stupid crap humans whine about!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-07-12
You know, I have no idea what you do when you go to work.
I'm a Client Support Specialist. It's like customer service, but my customers are actually international businesses and organizations.
That kinda sucks. When I worked at a convenience store, I could just kick stupid customers out of the store. Sounds like you actually have to deal with them.
Oh, we have our ways. If explanations and negotiation don't work, I find it's most effective to just kill them with kindness.
...didn't you name your pit bull "Kindness"?
No, you're thinking of "Kisses". I kill burglars with Kisses.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-12
Jenkins, that box contains the results of the Q3 analysis from last year. We need to send it to the egg-heads in the Denver office for forecasting.
Right away sir. What level of hero should I offer the job to?
Go with someone lower level. They're more likely to actually complete package delivery quests, and they'll take less experience points.
Very well. I'll go hang out downtown and wait without sleeping and eating for a hero to show up.
Y'know what would be awesome? If there was a company or service we could just give packages to, and they would deliver them for us.
*sigh* I know, right?

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-12
We pulled this man out of a car wreck. His cellphone battery was dead, which explains why we didn't find his car for two weeks.
His autopsy revealed multiple broken bones, a concussion, and some internal damage.
Did he die right away?
No, the cause of death was internal bleeding. He was alive for at least a day after the crash.
Really? So if he had a ham, he could have walked away from that crash!
This is why we recommend keeping at least two roasted chickens in the glove compartment for emergencies.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-12
Someone call a locksmith?
Yeah, it's me. I can't seem to get into my house. It's an orange door, I'm using the orange key, so I know that's not the problem.
There's your problem - you have an unfinished quest. Head downtown and see if anyone's got an exclamation point hovering over their head.
Perfect, thanks! What do I owe you?
500 Coins.
Cool. Send me the bill and I'll settle up after my quest.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-13-12
We've got reports that you were spotted near the scene of some vandalism last night.
Vandalism? No, let me explain...
I found an unlocked door at the warehouse, so I went in and broke a bunch of crates and pots, and took whatever I found inside of them.
Did you happen to see any vandals while you were doing that?
Hey, I don't snitch!

 

by ZMannZilla
5-26-12
Hey man, wuzzup. Got any change, I'm tryin' to get a beer.
Seriously, you're begging people for beer money at 8AM on a Sunday?
Yeah, so? I want to drink and I don't have any money.
One, you can't buy beer this early on a Sunday, and two, you should be using your own income for beer.
I don't have income, man. I'm unemployed and homeless.
Yeah, well, for some reason I have a hard time believing the economy is responsible for that.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-27-12
THE GOOD ENDING:
Congratulations, son! As a result of your actions, the world will forever know peace and unity, living in harmonious service to Me!
THE BAD ENDING:
Well, son, it appears that, while you did spread my message to all humanity, they're now using it to kill each other in my name.
Hey, is that Parable by Peter Molyneux, the Christian version of Fable? How is it?
Well, you can't own property or get married, but I like how they have Simon Peter pointing to places Jesus can dig for treasure.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-27-12
Hey, is that Christ-Life, the long-awaited Christian video game by Valve? How is it?
Still stuck at the part after the crucifixion, waiting for the 3rd Day to load.

 

How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a light bulb?
Gee, I dunno, I guess we'll just have to sit here in the dark until we come up with the answer, huh?
by ZMannZilla, 5-27-12

 

by ZMannZilla
6-08-12
I'm analysing the atmospheric data from the planet, Captain... These methane readings are off the charts!
"Off the charts"? That doesn't make any sense, Ensign. Why are you looking at a chart for methane readings?
Engineering sent me this Excel spreadsheet. The methane readings are off of it.
Dammit, Ensign, just use the scroll bar at the bottom of the screen to go to the right!
Oh... Um... Methane is 87%, sir.
87% methane?! That's off the hook!

 

by ZMannZilla
6-08-12
Whoa! Since when did The Avenging Justice Associates get a robot?
You are mistaken, sir! I am Iron Lardass, and I have the ability to turn fat into metal!
That's... an oddly specific power...
Hey, you don't get to pick what the toxic ooze does to you. Anyways, I use my powers to stop fat criminals and create weapons from fast food!
Before or after you eat it?
When I fart, it sounds like a chainsaw!

 

by ZMannZilla
6-08-12
I'm speaking with Emma Wildflower, the woman who rear-ended the Popemobile, killing the Pope and injuring six others. Emma, what do you have to say for yourself?
I'm so sorry! I was just really getting in to singing "Wild World"! It's just such a soulful, emotional song!
"Wild World" was of course written by Muslim holy leader Yusef Islam, back when he was still known to American folk song fans as Cat Stevens.
Well, crap... score one for the Muslims.

 

by ZMannZilla
6-18-12
I understand that you'd like to apply for a loan.
That is correct sir. I need starting capital for my new business.
And what will you be producing?
My company will make and sell a line of flavored anal lubricants.
We call it "Salad Dressing"

 

by ZMannZilla
8-14-12
Oh, OK... Check out this dipshit with the douchy scarf... "Oooooh, look at me, I listen to Pitchfork and judge your music tastes!" Hipster shithead.
Oh, and here's Uptight McAnal over here in a suit and tie... Yeah, I bet you think you're such hot shit with your stocks and bonds!
Omigod, bitch, could you get any fatter? You can get more than one meal out of a bag of groceries, you cow!
Oh whatever, that grubby dude in the wheelchair is SO faking it!
Hey, dude, think you could be a crass dick a little more quietly?
HEY! DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME, BITCH!

 

by ZMannZilla
9-27-12
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Screw you and the horse you rode in on too
Well, it's still a better love story than Twilight.

 

by ZMannZilla
9-30-12
Why do they always want to cuddle afterwards?

 

by ZMannZilla
10-08-12
WW82: Make the world's worst limerick without using the word "Nantucket"... aaaaaand, GO!
Your Grandma got a Jack-In-The-Box sack out...
And she fucked it so hard, it blew Jack out!
Gran's a gal, how could she fuck it?
Well you see, your "Na'an" tucked it!
I'm surprised that stretch didn't throw your back out.

 

by ZMannZilla
11-29-12
Holy Cursewords, Porkman! I've been gargling vulture puke!
Porkman is proud of the Finchy, but other matters trouble Porkman's pig-meaty braingoo.
Oh, a mystery! Will gargling body fluids help in any way?
Perhaps. Does the Finchy know what wine goes best with filet of panda wang?
RAGU4U DID 9/11!
EGAD WHAT AN UNREASONABLY SHITTY NON-SEQUITUR!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-01-12
Well, the good news is, that wasn't the lesbian who played Darlene on "Roseanne", so we did get to make out.
And the bad news?
Skrillex tastes like an ashtray.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-12-12
Hey, got a customer on hold. He says the game "Pig Squisher" didn't specifically tell him he needed to squish pigs to win, and now he's angry.
Really? Tell him your manager said "Sorry shit-for-brains, but our company makes games for humans, not dumb little tards who can't read a game box."
Obviously, you'll need to make that wording a bit more customer friendly.
My manager apologizes for the discriminatory nature of our company's product direction.
Does that apology come with a free copy of "Pig Squisher In Space"?

 

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. PETA can't change anything.
by ZMannZilla, 12-12-12

 

by ZMannZilla
12-26-12
Well, Ragu-san, it seems that your famous "How's This?" forum thread has reached 100 pages - congratulations!
Well, I do like to create comic strips!
I guess we know where you stand on the "quality versus quantity" debate!
Hey, at least I have a dog in that race. What's it like farting out 3 lukewarm "lightbulb joke" strips a month?
Hey, I do other stuff too, you know.
Maybe if you started your OWN Comic Showcase thread, we'd all know that!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-26-12
PARAGON ACTION!
Holy Cursewords Shepard! The way you make the difficult life-and-death decisions that save our galaxy makes me strangely attracted to you!
OH YES Porkshepard feel it too! Porkshepard & Finchi shall have tenderness before end-boss fight!
RENEGADE ACTION!
Holy Cursewords Shepard! The way you make the difficult life-and-death decisions that save our galaxy makes me strangely attracted to you!
PORKSHEPARD DOES NOT SECOND THAT EMOTION!!!
PUSS-OUT THIRD OPTION!
Holy Cursewords Shepard! The way you-
FRIENDZOOOOOOOOONE!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
12-26-12
Hey there, you look scrawny and pale, want to help me test a Super Soldier Serum?
Oh boy, free serum! I'm Brian!
Now, this might give you super powers, but it also might have adverse side effects. Is that OK?
I hope I get super strength! RAWR, SUPERBRIAN!!!
Keep being good for daddy, you get more serum. Fail, and end up like Giuseppe here. Now finish bagging this cocksucker up and meet me by the acid tank.
i don't want to be superbrian any more

 

by ZMannZilla
12-28-12
My boys had fun at Mabel's Place last night, and with my family discount, I saved a lot of money!
Wait, isn't Mabel's Place a whore house?
Ew, no, it ain't no whore house! Why you gotta be so vulgar?
Sorry...
The correct term is "erotic massage parlor".
Momma does give a classy hand-job.

 

by ZMannZilla
12-31-12
Holy Cursewords, Porkman!!! THE MCRIB IS BACK!!!
ACK! PORKMAN STILL MADE OF PORK! HIDE THE PORKMAN!!!
Don't flatter yourself, Porkman! You aren't nearly rancid enough to be in a McRib sandwich!
Can the Finchy be so sure? Porkman's past does include exposure to atomic BBQ sauce.
Pffft, more like atomic WEAK sauce! I've been pooped in by gorillas, and I still say the worst thing that's ever been in my mouth is a McRib sandwich!
$20 IF YOU LET PORKMAN SIT IN THE MCRIB MACHINE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND JUST DREAM!!!

 

by ZMannZilla
1-03-13
Holy cow, that was some crazy shit I saw you doing last night! You're a MADMAN!
Well, you know my motto... "Live fast, die young, leave a beautiful corpse!"
Hey... Two out of three ain't bad, you ugly bastard!
Heh heh, good one.
For running over Zooey Deschanel in a Ferrari, I hereby sentence you to 50 years in solitary confinement.
Shit.

 

by ZMannZilla
1-31-13
-----------------------THIS----------COMIC---------
Real simple: create a comic making fun of any famous hoax you you want, past or present (or even future, if you think you can foresee one).
Judging probably sooner than later. Cheerio! (oh boy i hope i get like a million pages of entries)
------------IS-----------------BASED-----------------ON----------------A--------
>click preview then save >log out as RandomComicLayoutGuy >feel itchy
>get up >scratch my nuts >nuts are moist >fingers are moist >sniff fingers UGH WHY'D I DO THAT?! >rub hand on my pants
----------TRUE---------STORY----------------------
(only like 4 entries and none of them are ZMannZilla?!)
>log in as edoggydog Boy, this CC is clanking off the front of the rim like a Dwight Howard freethrow! Good job, RandomComicFag!!

 

by ZMannZilla
1-31-13
Brian, thank you for answering my ad. Please, come in.
Brian is relieved to hear that Brian not the only victim of the doctor with the super soldier serum!
Yes, it's true... SuperBrian. The evil doctor made me into SuperPauly. We must discuss how we're going to make him pay for this injustice.
Could this be the REAL origin of SuperBrian? Yes, joining forces for vengeance! SuperPauly and SuperBrian!
Yeah. You want a piece of this chicken. Oh, I know you want this. Don't worry, you gonna get some of this all right.
superbrian only wants death for superpauly and superbrian

 

by ZMannZilla
2-23-13
I have a hamster named "Tweep". I named him that because that's the sound he makes.
Really? So you name your pets like Pokemon?
I... guess I do.
Weird. Do you have any other pets?
Yeah, a cat named "Meowmeow" and a dog named "Killyourfamily".

 

How many Yankees fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just sit around talking about how awesome the old light bulb was.
by ZMannZilla, 2-28-13

 

by ZMannZilla
3-02-13
So you witnessed the destruction of this city block? Any idea how it happened?
It all started when that astronaut came into my corner store...
I'd like a pack of Camels please.
So he ignited the oxygen in his space suit when he lit up?
No, I just told him how much they cost.

 

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh that's easy: two. The hard part is, how do you get 'em in there?
by ZMannZilla, 3-03-13

 

by ZMannZilla
4-23-13
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a steakhouse. The priest and the rabbi order some wine.
I forget how the rest of the joke goes, but your mother's a whore.

 

by ZMannZilla
5-24-13
"After 20 years of bartending, it finally happened..."
Well, lads, I had fun catching up with you, but I have to get back to the cathedral!
Yeah, I gotta head back to the chapel myself - always a pleasure!
Oy, I'm a bit too fershnickered to drive - can someone drop me off at the synagogue?
"...and it was a total let-down."
That... that wasn't funny at all!

 

by ZMannZilla
6-07-13
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
In earlier work, Dr. Matthew Wiener has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb, a value we'll call (k).
If (k) mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then (k+1) mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
I now understand why there are so few jokes about mathematicians.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

 

My hair is the same color as every blade of grass in this field. The pain... ohhh the pain!!!
...aaaaand now we know why Miracle-Gro packages say 'NOT FOR INTERNAL CONSUMPTION" on them.
by ZMannZilla, 6-07-13

 

by ZMannZilla
6-17-13
So, what did you get for Father's Day?
Laid.
Ugh, too much information.
Fine, then, nothing.
Not enough information.
There is just no pleasing you.

 

by ZMannZilla
7-01-13
I know I can't be there for your birthday darling, so I did the next best thing - I added you to Stone Cold Creamery's mailing list so you'll get free ice cream on your special day!
OK, one, I'm lactose intolerant, and two, I'm going to get spam for the rest of the year. Why did you think this would be a good birthday present?
I got the idea from my husband's stepbrother, while we were having sex with his sister.
OK, that is at least three pieces of information I would have liked before we started this whole "long distance" thing.
But you still love me, right?
WHEN IN THIS ENTIRE HOUR THAT WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER HAVE I EVER SAID I LOVED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE?!

Showing page 8.

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