All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
6-03-04
Go on, Bob. Tell her the good news.
Edna, I've had my body surgically altered so that I can bear children. But not just ANY children, Edna...I'm going to have a litter of LITTLE BABY SQUIRRELS, and CHIPPER is the father.
But get THIS, Edna -- he never even TOUCHED me. It's going to be a VIRGIN BIRTH! Isn't that WONDERFUL? In Chipper's name, amen.
OH, MY HEART! GAAAAAAA!
Let us never speak of this again.
Agreed.

 

by biped
6-06-04
One of these days I'll learn to keep my big mouth shut!

 

by biped
6-06-04
Whenever you need a quick one...and nothing else will satisfy...
Get your DICKENS CIDER!
If there's a hole in your life that needs to be filled with tasty goodness...
...that's where you need to put your DICKENS CIDER!
Also in extra-large, shatter-proof containers!
So now you can get your BIG, HARD DICKENS CIDER!

 

by biped
6-08-04
Finally, the human beings have had their little apocalypse, and the animals rule.
And, of course, within this new hierarchy, coyotes rule ducks.
Huh? How do you figure that?
Well, I could kill and eat you if I wanted to. So that places me in a position of higher authority.
Not if all the ducks get together and conquer the coyotes!
What are you going to do? Quack at us?

 

by biped
6-08-04
It's decided, then. We, the ducks, will band together and conquer the coyotes.
And you really think quacking at them will work?
Well, what the hell else are we going to do? We're ducks.
That makes sense. Look... there's a coyote. One of us should go quack at him.
Well, you did win that tri-state quacking contest.
Oh, fuck! I did, didn't I?

 

by biped
6-08-04
QUACK!
QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!
Strange... it's as though he were actually asking me to eat him.

 

by biped
6-08-04
Well, quacking didn't work.
Clearly, then, we must resort to using technology left over from the humans.
Our stockpile of coyote-seeking missiles is ready.
And so is our army of anti-coyote robots.
QUACK!!!
Oh, shit!

 

by biped
6-08-04
HELLLLP!!!
QUACK!!! QUACK!!! QUACK!!! QUACK!!!
OMIGOD!!! THE ROBOTS ARE CORNHOLING THE COYOTES!!!
OH, THE HORRORS OF WAR!!! WILL WE NEVER LEARN!!!
Where did you get the blueprints for those robots, anyway?
I found them in a secret laboratory under Richard Simmons' house.

 

by biped
6-08-04
So...how's the new butt creme working out?
Please...not so loud. I'd rather people didn't --
Butt creme!!! BUTT CREME!!!
You BAAAAASTARD.

 

by biped
6-08-04
Hey, handsome! Like to see my new thong?
OH, Captain WANKER! WOULD I!
THERE! Like it?
LIKE it? I LOVE it!
In fact, I love it SO MUCH I'm going to EAT IT!
Well, don't stop THERE, gorgeous! That's only the APPETIZER!

 

by biped
6-08-04
OKAY, THAT'S A WRAP! See, Captain Wanker? Being in gay porn ain't so bad!
PLEASE, call me CAPTAIN CHIP! I'm only doing these "pornos" to pay for my HERNIA OPERATION!
Oh yeah, I remember that old TV show of yours. You and your sidekick were gay, right?
NO!!! That was just an URBAN LEGEND created by the GUTTER-MINDED!
Well, it's also the plot of your next "Captain Wanker" movie, "Look Who's Boning The Boy Wonder."
Oh my god, NO!!!

 

by biped
6-08-04
We're here at the premier of the new Captain Wanker movie, "The Thong Remains The Same." What do you think of his new career move?
I think it's HORRIBLE! Oh Captain Chip, why? WHY?
Say, didn't you play his sidekick Chipper in the old TV series?
Yes I did, and that's why I find his descent into gay porn so disturbing.
But, isn't it true that you two were supposed to be gay?
LOOK! ATHLETES PAT EACH OTHER ON THE ASS, DON'T THEY? WELL, SUPERHEROES ARE ATHLETES TOO, DAMMIT!

 

by biped
6-08-04
And now, here he is, IN PERSON...the STAR of today's movie...CAPTAIN WANKER!
Hello, ha-ha! It's me, Captain Chip! Greetings, all my wonderful fans!
I'm sure you'd rather hear some fun anecdotes about my classic television series than a bunch of dirty talk about some old porn movie, so --
SHOW US YOUR DICK!!!
My..."dick"? But... but I'm the famous Captain Chip, and...
PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN, YOU FRUITY OLD BASTARD!!!

 

by biped
6-08-04
YEAH, PULL 'EM DOWN AND SHOW US YOUR DICK, CAPTAIN WANKER! AND WANK IT FOR US!
Oh, heh-heh...well, I suppose I could, if...if that's what everyone wants...
WANK! WANK! WANK!...OH, MY GOD!...HA-HA-HA! HE'S DOIN' IT!
Yes...ha-ha...it's funny....I'm funny..... I'm......funny .....ha, ha......ha........
GREAT NEWS, Captain Wanker! We've worked your ATTEMPTED SUICIDE into the next script! You HANG yourself with your THONG, and then Todd FUCKS you in the ASS!
OH... MY... GOD!!!

 

by biped
6-09-04
Excuse me, is this France?
No, monsieur. Eet eez Mexico.
Pardon me, am I in Spain?
No, senor. Joo are een Switzerland.
Well, crap. I'll bet this isn't even Antarctica.
Worst...road trip...EVER.

 

by biped
6-09-04
Oh, I'm the Foot Fairy -- I come from a land -- where all of the people -- think that feet are just grand --
They kiss them, and lick them, and rub them in places -- that put big, gleaming smiles on all of their faces!
So sit back, my dears, and I'll give you a treat -- a wonderful tale -- about glorious FEET!
And since I am magic, I'll be able to show you -- some people who'd rather suck tootsies than blow you --
Here are some now! Let's see what they saaay -- when their fetish for feet gets them caaaaried -- awaaaay --

 

by biped
6-09-04
Have I ever told you -- about this thing I have -- for feet? Yeesss, feet?
No, but I can totally -- identify with that -- they're sweet! Soooo sweet!
I'm so glad I met you! You understand my feelings! FEET-FEET FIDDLE-DEE FEET-FEET!
They're without a doubt the source of all our mental reelings! FEET-FEET FIDDLE-DEE FEET-FEET!
FEET! FEET! They come in twos! They get me higher than drugs or booze!
FEET are wonderful, FEET are great! I think about them every time I masturbate!

 

by biped
6-09-04
I love BUTTS! I love TITS! I love girls with BIG FAT ZITS! But the thing that gets me hottest, no dooooubt --
-- is the thing that EMITS -- a smell that sends me into FITS -- have you guessed what I am talking abooout?
-- it's the THING that RESIDES -- in SANDALS, PUMPS, or SLIDES -- and the thought of it provokes me to DAAANCE!
It's the thing that I LOVE -- and it makes me want to SHOVE -- every one of them I see into my PAAAANTS!
It's the FOOT! Oh my GOD! I don't care if I am ODD! I will yearn to suck and lick it till I'm DEEEEAD!
There's a LEFT! There's a RIGHT! And I want them EVERY NIGHT! Just a million feet and me inside my BEEEED!

 

by biped
6-09-04
Darling, if you love meeee...let me smell your feeet... only in this way... can you make my life compleeete...
Oh yes, my feet are yoooours... to do with as you wiiiiish... sniff them like a puppy... suck them like a fiiiiish...
And then we'll ATTAAAAIN... the highest PLAAANE... that lovers can ever REEEEACH...
HAPPINESS we'll find! When our FEET are intertwined! And we SUCK each other's TOES just like a LEEEECH!
Stick your FEET into a PIE! Let me LICK them till they're DRY! And I'll NEVER ask for ANYTHING AGAAAAIN...
I'm YOURS forever... my FEET will never... walk awaaay from you... a-men.

 

by biped
6-09-04
So now you've HEARD, that wonderful WORD -- FEET! FEET! FEET!
They're fun to INSPECT, and they make me ERECT -- FEET! FEET! FEET!
Even little children say that feet are fun to SME-ELL!
And if you do not like them, then you should go straight to HE-ELL!
Bare or shod, they make me grab my rod and -- BEAT! BEAT! BEAT!
I wanna stick my NOSE between all of the TOES of your -- FEET! FEET! FEET!

 

by biped
6-10-04
Me drink milk.
Goo-goo
Goo-goo
Me saw a moo-cow!
gOO-gOO!
gOO-gOO!
Me haves a penis!
GOO-GOO!!!

 

by biped
6-11-04
We have eaten the last of the pie.
We must obtain more pie.
Do you know how to make pie?
No. We will conquer the earth and confiscate their pie.
Which part of the earth should we conquer first?
We will conquer the part that has the most pie.

 

by biped
6-11-04
I have located a pie factory in Des Moines, Iowa.
Then we will conquer it. Prepare to land.
I smell pie!
Follow the smell. I will find an authority figure to negotiate with.
Yes? Can I help you?
I love pie. I am here to confiscate all of your pie.

 

by biped
6-11-04
Yum-yum! This is good pie!
We need milk to go with the pie. We will abduct a cow while we are here.
MOOOOOO!!!
How did the cow react to its abduction?
MOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
6-11-04
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
6-11-04
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!! MOOOOOO!!!
THE ALIENS ARE TAKING OVER!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
...and prominent psychiatrists report that something seems to have driven these conquering aliens permanently insane...

 

by biped
6-11-04
We cannot understand you, and therefore are unable to negotiate with you or fulfull any of your demands.
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
MOOOOOO!!!
Gagetch kakootch dagootchka?
MOOOOOO!!!

 

by biped
6-14-04
NAKED BETTY BOOP!!!
Did you know that your penis is erect, Jeff?

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
But... you're a cow! Why in the world is a cow working in a fast food place?
I'm sorry...what did you say?

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
Well...I'm rather uncomforable ordering ground beef products from a cow, but...
...I'd be happy to hear what you want for Christmas, little boy!
OH, BOY! I WANT A CATCHER'S MITT AND A TRAIN SET!

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
Yeah, I'm really hungry, so I want a big, juicy...
...throbbing, rock-hard cow pecker rammed up my butt!
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU WEIRDO! I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
Yeah, gimme three colossal, super-sized, double-decker...
I'm hungry, Mommy. Can I suck your teats?
Huh?

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
I'd like something "lite." Perhaps a salad, or...
...YOUR GROUND-UP CORPSE DRENCHED IN THE RICH GRAVY OF YOUR OWN HOT, DRIPPING GORE!!!
...oh, and don't forget the croutons.

 

by biped
6-14-04
WELCOME TO FATTY FAT'S FAST FOOD FARM! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
This establishment has displayed a flagrant disregard for civil ordinance. You will be severely penalized to the full extent...
My god, you're beautiful.
Meet me at my place. Seven-ish.

 

by biped
6-14-04
I'm still a virgin! Let's have sex before we die!
I'm a still a virgin! Let's have sex before we die!
I'm still a virgin! Let's have sex before we die!

 

by biped
6-14-04
LOOK!!! IT'S GRAMPS!!! HE'S NOT DEAD AFTER ALL!!!
OH, BOY!!! GRAMPS!!! YAY!!!
GRAMPS, GRAMPS, GRAMPS!!! GRAMPS, GRAMPS, GRAMPS!!!
SHUT UP, you stupid kids! I'm not your damn GRAMPS! I'm Santa Claus, DAMN IT!
"Damn it"! Ha, ha! I'm going to start saying "damn it" now, because Santa Claus says it! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!
Well, you might as well start saying "shit" too, because that's what you're both getting for Christmas! SHIT!

 

by biped
6-14-04
"Tie me kangaroo down, sport! Tie me kangaroo down!"
"Tie me kangaroo down, sport, tie --"

 

by biped
6-14-04
"Hang down your head, Tom Doo-ley, hang down your head and cry..."
"Hang down your head, Tom Doo-ley, poor boy you -- "

 

by biped
6-14-04
"Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight..."
"Buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight, and -- "
YAAAAA!!!!!!
DRAGON'S BREATH!!! I SUMMON THEE!!!

 

by biped
6-14-04
"As I was going to Banbury, I saw a line coddlin apple tree...With a ri fol latitee O!"
"And when the coddlins began to fall...Ri fol latitee O! And when the --"
POOF!!! FLESH BEGONE!!!

 

by biped
6-14-04
"O why soldiers why? Whose bus'ness is to die; What? sighing? Fye!"
"Drink on, drown fear, be jolly boys; 'tis he, you, or --"

 

by biped
6-15-04
Gee, I sure hope I don't have another one of those awful nightmares tonight.
Wha -- oh, no! A nightmare! I sure hope nothing scary happens!
Son, your mother and I are concerned about your abnormally frequent masturbation, so we're sending you to military school.
YAAAAA!!!!!!

 

by biped
6-15-04
Huh? Now I'm in the middle of the ocean! Oh well, I guess nothing scary can happen here...
OH, NO! A SHARK!
Mmm! Dinnertime!
I'll try reverse-psychology on him! EAT ME, SHARK! PLEASE, EAT ME!
NO! NOT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY! HEELLPP!!! HEEELLLLPP!!!

 

by biped
6-15-04
Welcome to the funeral. I hope you're bearing up well under your terrible burden of grief.
Funeral? Who died?
We had the deceased stuffed and mounted in his underwear, as per his last request. Follow me.
NO!!! OMIGOD!!! NOOOO!!!!!

 

by biped
6-15-04
Well, I guess this isn't so bad. I'm in school, and -- OH, NO!!! I'M STILL IN MY UNDERWEAR!!!
Class, it's time now for the big, scary final exam that will decide your grade for the entire year.
FINAL EXAM? BUT I DIDN'T STUDY FOR IT! HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE?
YAAAAA!!!!!
RAAAAAR!!!!!!

 

by biped
6-15-04
WHEW! I'm back in my bedroom! That awful nightmare is finally over!
YAAAAAA!!!!!
RAAAAAAAR!!!!!!
Crap! I forgot about the trick ending!

 

by biped
6-15-04
This "lonely-hearts" scam is sweet. He signed over everything to me.
HAR...HAR...WHAT A GULLIBLE...CHUMP...
I told the poor simp to meet me in Nome, Alaska for the wedding. And now, it's just you...me...and the money...darling.
OH...MY BELOVED...
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by biped
6-15-04
C'mon, men! There's no way we can lose this thing! CHAAARGE!
Whatever you say, General Pickett, sir! YAY!
Boy, Pearl Harbor sure is boring! Especially on a Sunday morning!
You said it! I'd give a month's pay for a little excitement right about now!
Me so happy! After we win war, Japan gonna rule whole world!
Yeah! Hey, what dat noise?

 

by biped
6-16-04

 

by biped
6-16-04
Good heavens! It appears as though I've been abducted by aliens!
I, TOO, HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY THE ALIENS.
We have searched the entire galaxy for sex partners who can satisfy our insatiable lusts and desires.
Whoever gratifies our needs most expertly will be taken back to our home planet. The other will be returned to Earth.
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

Showing page 8.

« Previous Next »