All comics by deucepm

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by deucepm
12-05-02
Wait a minute. You were looking for me? How did you know what was happening?
Well, I had a bit of a tip-off from a friend of yours...
MATT!
Hey, buddy.
Jeez, we're one plot twist and angst-ridden strip away from being Sluggy Freelance!
Let me check my notes.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
I don't believe it! I thought after I put that chip in your head, you'd never speak to me again!
Don't think I didn't consider it.
Then why did you come back?
Aw, come on, Pete, our friendship means more to me than any silly misunderstanding we might have. I couldn't abandon you!
Earlier...
I don't care if he put a chip in your head. Go back to the North Pole and rescue him from the Nazis.
Aw, honey, come ON!

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
So what's our next move?
Right now, Robo-Hitler thinks he's unopposed. We should use that to our advantage.
What about all the others in that prison? If we let them loose, we'll have superior numbers.
Right! Then we can take on those hordes of Robo-Nazis!
And then...the snowmobile carnage!
Kringle, I like the way you think.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Are you sure?
Absolutely. You need to be the last line of defense, Santa. If we fail, you'll have to warn the world.
All right. Be careful, both of you.
Okay. And, uh...Santa...
I'll see what I can do about getting an Alienware under your tree this year, son.
Rock!

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
Thanks for all your help, Matt.
Save it, Grandfather Frost. I'm just helping out my buddy. I could give a rat's ass about your stupid holiday.
That's fine. And Matt?
Yeah?
You're being an extra good boy this year!
@%#$&#*!(@*

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
BYE, BOYS! HAVE FUN STORMING THE COMPOUND! *sigh* Those boys are our last hope.
No...there is another.
Really? Who?
Nah, I got nothin', it's pretty much down to those two idiots.
*sigh* Haven't we ripped off Buffy enough in this storyline?

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
WELL?
Er...v-ve searched all through za woods for ze bodies of ze tiki-masked vun, mein Robo-Fuhrer...
...there is no corpse.
There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse. There is no corpse.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
They're coming...I can feel them...
And I-- I have shown them-- that a man without hope...
...is a man without fear.
It was a nice piece of work, Robo-Hitler.
You shouldn't have signed it.

 

by deucepm
12-05-02
That's it. To be continued tomorrow. Less Frank Miller next time, I promise.

 

by deucepm
12-06-02
Grrr.
We're really determined.
And steely-eyed. And shit.
Grrr.
Dude, are we gonna do anything?
I've got nothing tonight. We'll try again tomorrow.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Look, this'll work, I promise. Just put on the disguise!
Why do I have to do it? Why can't YOU put on the disguise?
Because I only have one pose, you selfish bastard. Come on!
All right, all right...
Hi. I'm here from the Hitler Youth, Troop 28. They sent me over to mercilessly taunt the prisoners.
Well, it sounds a bit fishy, but us Nazis are all basically batshit crazy. Go right ahead!

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen, folks! It's breakout time! Let's see...Frosty?
Here!
Rudolph?
Here!
Charlie-In-The-Box?
Here!

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
The Australian Christmas Kangaroo?
Here. Hey, you wanna fight me? I get to sodomize you if you lose.
No, thanks. Uh...The Little Drummer Boy?
Right here.
And...whoa! What the heck are YOU doing here?
Eh. I blame peer pressure.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Hey...aren't you that doll from the Island of Misfit Toys?
That's me.
Huh. You know, I never understood what was supposed to be wrong with you.
Uh...so what was--
I like the wimmens.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Men...and little lesbian doll-thing...you all know why we're here: to save Christmas and liberate Santa's workshop from Robo-Hitler and his Nazi thugs.
I won't lie to you...this is going to be a difficult campaign. The fact is...not all of you will get through this.
If they're lucky.
Matter of fact, chances are you'll all be in a slave labor camp come January.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Uh, Pete?
But you're not fighting for yourselves! You're not even fighting for Santa! You're doing it for the kids!
Pete.
Just imagine their little faces when they come downstairs on Christmas morning and find the entire house covered in SWASTIKAS! Do you want that? DO YOU?!
Pete, they're fighting because otherwise, the Nazis will kill them. You don't really have to sell them on--
YOU SELFISH FUCKS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO KICK JESUS IN THE NUTS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? FUCK YOU ALL!

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
You know what I like best about our now robot bodies, Helmut? The total awareness of my surroundings.
Uh huh.
For instance, see that grove of trees? There's a small family of reindeer huddled together for warmth in there. Sure as hell couldn't see that with my human eyes!
Heh heh heh...well, anyway. You wanna go blow 'em up or something?
Or something.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of--
Mein Robo-Fuhrer! Mein Robo-Fuhrer!
I thought I told you to ALWAYS KNOCK FIRST, you miserable tranny bastard!
But Mein Robo-Fuhrer! The prisoners have escaped and they're defeating our robot hordes!
What?! Let me see... Is that Himmler being torn to pieces by the Muppets?
Yes, but that is how he always wanted to go.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
We've got 'em on the run! You should see what the Tasmanian Devil just did to Albert Speer!
Excellent! Keep up the good work!
This is great! I met Santa Claus and gruesomely disemboweled Adolf Eichmann in the same day! Can it get better?
Check it out! Box of Nazi heads!
Uh...those look like crushed Smurfs.
They're under the Smurfs. Uh...excuse me.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
The only ones left are Robo-Hitler and Goerring, sir. They're boxed in at the bunker.
Eeeeexcellent.
Okay. You start chopping at the front door and I'll cover the rear.
Right. So, uh, who deals with who?
Dude, I called "Gets To Kill Hitler" like, twenty minutes ago.
Shit.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Open up, Robo-Hitler! You've got an appointment with The Hague! By the way, I call my axe "The Hague!"
No ingles!
He's chopping down the door! Do something!
Hello? CIA? You guys interested in harboring a couple of war criminals?
Oh, don't act all sensitive. If you can rehire Henry Kissinger--
CHAAAAAAAARGE!!

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this!
Not the face! NOT THE FACE!
AHHHH! GET HIM OFF! HE'S GOING FOR MY EYES!
In the name of justice, I GNAW ON YOUR HEAD!
The rest of this strip contained too much blazing battle action to be contained. Just look at this explosion and picture that. But even more. And bloodier. And some tits, throw in some tits too.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Oh, you may think you've won, but I'll be back! Adolf Hitler is not defeated so easily! I shall rise again, and--
HEY!
Sorry. I just couldn't handle another hackneyed villain speech.
But I had him right where I wanted him!

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Wow. Look at all those conveniently off-panel dismembered Nazi bodies.
Yeah...it makes you think.
Does it?
Well, if it's the season of giving, shouldn't we have turned the other cheek to our enemies? Shouldn't we have tried to forgive?
Dude, they were Nazis. And Nazi robots.
Good point. Fuck 'em.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Well, boys, I can't thank you enough for all your help.
I'll take a check.
So long, Pete! Thanks for everything!
Bye, Santa! I'll leave fudge-covered Oreos out for you!
Well, Matt, did you learn anything about the spirit of Christmas?
Not a goddamned thing. And I'm picturing you dead right now.

 

by deucepm
12-07-02
Well. We made your quota of strips and killed Nazis. That was a pretty good storyline.
Yeah. It needed a strong ending, though.
Yeah.
Yeah,

 

by deucepm
12-08-02
Charles Schulz is God.

 

by deucepm
12-12-02
Welcome back to "Sucky Sucky Fi' Dolla," the show that, when it reports a story, fuckin nales the bitch. Today we're discussing Disney's Treasure Planet.
The animated film cost $140 million to make, yet only brought in $16 million over the Thanksgiving weekend. Its failure is having major repercussions.
Theories abound as to why the film failed. Some blame the marketing campaign. Others blame stiff competition from Harry Potter.
Still others believe the audience has simply moved beyond 2-D animation in favor of such efforts as Toy Story and Shrek.
For some reason, no one has brought up the fact that doing Treasure Island in space was JUST FUCKING RETARDED.
So we will. Doing Treasure Island in space was JUST FUCKING RETARDED. I'm asiangirl2, saying good night, and never forget your safewords.

 

by deucepm
12-12-02
SWEET FANCY MOSES! WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?!
Ah, relax. We're just testing out the site's new features, like italicized fonts.
Well, I don't approve!
I don't see as you have much of a choice.
Damn you! I never asked for italics and underlines! What have you done to me?!
You're becoming, my son. You're becoming...Something Wholly Other.

 

by deucepm
12-14-02
So you've decided to pick up Firefly?
That's right. We'd like 13 episodes to start with.
Great!
Then we're going to show them out of order so they don't make much sense. Oh, and we're going to air it in the Friday night death slot.
...what the fuck did I ever do to you, man?
Well, let's see...Buffy/Spike, lesbofying Willow, bringing in Dawn, that whole stupid Xander/Anya thing...take a seat, meathead, it's a long list.

 

by deucepm
12-16-02
Hello, everyone. My name is Trent Lott, and I've come to Black Entertainment Television to apologize for my recent remarks.
It was hurtful and wrong for me to suggest that segregation was a policy America should have followed, and I sincerely apologize.
And to show my appreciation to everyone at B.E.T., I brought along enough fried chicken and watermelon for everybody!
CUT! Get that dumbass cracker out of my studio before I kill him!

 

by deucepm
1-20-03
Hey, are you doin' anything for Martin Luther King Day?
I plan to celebrate Dr. King's sacrifices in the name of freedom by playing Vice City until I puke.
Is that any way to honor the man? That's why we're in trouble these days. No one'll pull himself up by his bootstraps and get involved!
Okay, so what do you want to do?
Let's go pee on Trent Lott.
Lemme get my coat.

 

by deucepm
1-20-03
Bored...bored bored bored.
Hey! You wanna go to Malawi and hunt vampires?
The what now?
In the tiny country of Malawi, frightened villagers have been hunting vampires for months. There's gotta be something to it.
Okay...but so help me God, you make ONE fuckin' Buffy reference and I'm gonna do the Bristol stomp on your spleen.
Who? What's that? I used to watch a show with a similar title, but it was cancelled. After Season Three.

 

by deucepm
1-20-03
So...you're my target. Any last words before I introduce Uncle Machete to your insides?
When a man loevs a woman...HE FUCKIN NAELS THE BITHC!!!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU COULDN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT?! I already spent the advance!
Sorry, but it's really bad luck to kill a guy like that.

 

by deucepm
1-27-03
Hey, where've you been? I thought we were going vampire hunting.
Ssshhh. Alias is on.
Isn't this the episode that was on after the Super Bowl?
Yeah. I'm watching it again for the fifth time.
So has your Jennifer Garner fetish become an obsession, or are you stuck to the seat? Or is it an unholy combination of both?

 

by deucepm
2-05-03
Hey, buddy!
My God...MATT?! Is that YOU?!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! You've been gone so long, I thought I'd never see you again! Damn, it's good to have you back!
Dude, I just went down to the store to get some Coke.
Oh. I probably don't remember on account of my crippling senile dementia.

 

by deucepm
3-05-03
DIE FOR DARKSEID!
Mmmm...no.
Ah, you're no fun anymore.

 

by deucepm
3-17-03
St. Patrick's Day, 2001
WOOOOO! Arrr tday sfor thIRISH! An green beer an WERE ALL IRISH TODAY WOOOOOO!
WOOOOOOO! We love evvybody today UNLESS THEYRE NOT IRISH AN THEN THEY CAN FUCK OFF WOOOOO!
St. Patrick's Day, 2002
Wooooo! But before we celebrate by drinking this lukewarm green beer, a toast to all those brave men and women who died on September 11.
Indeed. We salute them. Now, then... WOOOOOO! IRISH WOOOOO!
St. Patrick's Day, 2003
Woo...uh... I guess. Because today is a day for...uh... oh, fuck this, I'm going home to drink. There's a bottle of whisky that'll comfort me.
Not me. I'm gonna watch the news channels until I prolapse with fear. Should be fun.

 

by deucepm
3-17-03
Dude, what the hell--
Just watched Bush's address.
Oh.
Yeah.
Can I borrow that hammer when you're done?
It's not so much the complete disregard for public life or the jabs at France...I could handle that if he'd JUST FUCKING PRONOUNCE "NUCLEAR" CORRECTLY!

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
Hmmm...
Hey, you wanna stab some stuff? I'm really in the mood to stab some stuff. Spring is in the air, you know?
Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute. I just need to come up with something about Kaufman for this contest.
Oh, I can help you out with that. I'm a big fan of his.
Are you?
Hell yeah. Lloyd Kaufman's a genius! Anyone who could create The Toxic Avengers goes on my demigod list.

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
Not Lloyd Kaufman, you filthy jackanapes, KEN Kaufman, stripcreator's resident wacky punster.
Oh, yeah, him. Uh...didn't you already do a bunch of strips about him?
Why, yes. Yes, I did. The "Hard Sell" series. Ah, those were the days.
They sure were the days...OF OUR LIVES!
...what was that?
A pun. That was a pun, right? I thought when you yelled something really loud in a wacky voice it was a pun.

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
No, strictly speaking, that's not a pun. A pun is-
I know, I know. "The usually humorous use of a word in such a way as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning of another word similar in sound."
Right. So, say, if we were to do a long series of strips starring Kaufman called "MURDER ON THE ORIENTEERING EXPRESS," that would be a pun.
But we're not gonna do that, right?
Shit, no.
Good, because I'm not growing that handlebar moustache again.

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
Okay. I've got a great idea.
Will it feature Kaufman?
Yes.
Will it feature a pun so foul that my anus will weep liquid shit?
Yes.
Good. Well, relatively good.

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
All right, sir, we're almost done with your physical. Now, please turn your head and perform a sudden explosion of oxygen.
Uh...what?
You know...suddenly expel air from your lungs with a cacophanous noise.
Beg your pardon?
COUGH, MAN!
Oh, well, why didn't you say so?

 

by deucepm
4-09-03
The aftermath.
I--
Shut up. Just shut up.

 

by deucepm
4-15-03
Last year, I made a little over $16,000. I didn't take out any withholding, because that extra money was all that was holding my head above water.
Just talked to my uncle, the accountant...between federal & state taxes, I owe $1400.
There's no joke here. I'm just resisting the urge to start crying.

 

by deucepm
4-25-03
WOOOOO!
YEAH BABY! YOU CAN'T BE BRINGIN' THAT WEAK-ASS SHIT UP IN HERE, BABY! THIS IS TERRY TATE'S HOUSE!
AHHHH! OH GOD! I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR THE BATHROOM!
Tryin' to waste the company's time with an unscheduled bathroom break? TERRY DON'T PLAY THAT, SON!
I need to give myself an insulin shot! But I'll tell you what, why don't we get the EMTs to do it, because I need some since I CAN'T FEEL MY FUCKING LEGS!

 

by deucepm
4-26-03
Wow, you're really good. You should play football with us.
Yes! Oh, yes! It's what I've always dreamed!
No daughter of mine will ever play football. Do you want to break your mother's heart?
You're right. I will abandon my dreams to make my family happy.
Repeat, over and over again, for two hours.

 

by deucepm
5-10-03
I hear ya need a gunman! Well, I'll sign up for this caper, but only if ya beat my score on the shootin' range!
But if I can beat you at shooting, why do I need... *sigh* Fine.
You want me to be your driver? Okay, but only if you beat me in a race.
But...look, if I can drive better than...that makes no... Whatever.
You want me to be in a porno? Okay, but only if you can suck more dicks than--
OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

Showing page 8.

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