All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
10-25-03
Kind of gives new meaning to the song "How much is that doggie in the window?"
I'm in the mood for some Korean food now. Think I've got time?

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-03
At last! Thanks to KaZaA, soon I'll have a copy of every Norweigian Death Metal album ever made!
*Error - Your entire hard drive has been uploaded and erased. Windows is shutting down*
Nooo! When I find out who's done this, I'm going to tear them a new arse and stuff a Jack O' Lantern up there!
Meanwhile...
Ha-Haaar! This haul will fetch a king's ransom on the market stalls of Trömso!

 

by jes_lawson
10-28-03
According to my necronomicon, for bloody revenge you need a black altar, a virgin, and an unholy icon...
Sir, As an altar of mixed race I refer you to the Church of Noise's policy on Racial Discrimination!
I am too a virgin! Blow-jobs don't count! And neither does rapp!
Hey Kids! I spy The Hamburgler!
Or...on second thoughts, I'll just make a phone call to someone who can help...

 

by jes_lawson
10-29-03
Thursday on "Friends"...
Joey has sex and says something stupid!
Phoebe says something off the wall and sings about her vagina!
I'm ross, if this was the real world, I'd have killed myself by now!
Yay! Lets have another almost wedding!!
Chandler makes another pithy, sarcastic comment, unintentionally revealing his latent insecurities!
Monica again displays traits of a borderline personality disorder. Everything wraps up in under 23 minutes. Cue theme music...

 

by jes_lawson
10-29-03
Shiver me Timbers! I've been boarded!
Rörg! Rune of Klompfot will teach you to rip off the smaller artists!
YAARGH!
Now, back to our Polka collaboration with Weird Al Yankovic - Polish-ing My Dark Soul (Accordian To You It's Dirty...)
Heh-heh-heh! Thanks, Weird Al!
*MOSHING*

 

by jes_lawson
10-30-03
Eee, by 'eck Jack Skellington, I'm feeling high as a kite, today! Must've been all that moon cheese I ate!
Shut up, Wallace! This memo from the studio says from now on, they're only going to use CGI!
But...but what'll happen to us?
Hmm...

 

by jes_lawson
11-01-03
Superman! Come quick!
I got here as fast as I could, Lois! What on Krypton'swrong?
I'm writing an article on an old woman who won't let her 57 cats be put down, and I used the word "diseased" twice
Have you tried "happy"?
Thanks, Superman! Now I can finish my article and invoice the Daily Planet! You're my hero!

 

by jes_lawson
11-01-03
Superman! Help! I was writing an article on "women's problems" and my PC has frozen up!
Have you tried pressing Crtl-Alt-Delete, Lois?
But...if I do that...I'll lose my article!
Always keep a back-up, baby!
Oh! You're so spunky, Superman!

 

by jes_lawson
11-01-03
Gasp! Superman! Help me!
Saving the day, again! What is it this time, Lois?
Oh...nothing....*snicker!*...
Oh...uh...well...I'll, um...I'll be outside hovering for a bit...
[Lois] LOLl! He dresses 2 the right ^_^

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-03
What do you want?
Gimme some money so I can go to a fireworks display!
Wouldn't you like to see a fireworks display here?
Yeah, all right!
Yep, that fire works just the way I want it to.
AAAGH!

 

by jes_lawson
11-05-03
I'm so lucky! I've got two boyfriends!
Wow, that IS lucky! What are they like?
Well one's funny, caring, considerate, polite, a great help around the house and has great dress sense.
So why keep the other one?
Oh, him? He's straight...

 

by jes_lawson
11-06-03
Bonjour, mes amis. Je suis "Le Chef"
Le pompt de tompt du sweaty burgers mit le queso!
Le pompt du tompt du sweaty baps!

 

by jes_lawson
11-06-03
Le Chef ist le making le burger du l'horse avec les frites et les plops du canard last le weekend.
Mais le customeurs pompt de complaining sur Le Chef! Mit ze spitting et le pompt du hitting Le Chef!
Le Chef despize les customeurs! Also, Le Chef Pompt de faire de pont sur les customeur's ballons!

 

by jes_lawson
11-06-03
This "steak" tastes of rat poison and is full of coarse, matted hair! I demand to speak to the Chef!
Le Chef can't speak English very well, sir.
Then I demand to speak very slowly at him in a patronsing tone of voice!

 

by jes_lawson
11-06-03
Vous demandæz le talkin' mit Le Chef?
Now look here, you! My wife ordered the Salmon Terrine and it tastes suspiciously like sea-monkeys and squid guts!
*Mwah!* Le Chef du preparez les sea-monkeys! Son le cheap et du tastin of la gap du sèxual du Mme. Chef!
I...WANT...A...REFUND!
...et Le Chef a du pompt de les *fwap* *fwap* *fwap* dans le Soup du Jour!
It's no good darling, the man's a bloody foreigner. Typical. Why don't you have some of the fish chowder instead?

 

by jes_lawson
11-06-03
300 jobs are to be created at an Essex manufacturing concern this week.
A spokesman for the firm attributed the rise in buttplug sales to recent sightings of a manraping robot in Epping Forest.
In other news, Wendy, you're a slag, and you were crap in bed.
Richard, you've got a tiny dick. Deal with it. And now, here's today's weather, with Le Chef...
Dans le Grand Bretagne, le pompt du la pisse de Le Dieu! Sauvages!

 

by jes_lawson
11-10-03
Daddy?
Yes, Son?
W-w--w-what does regret mean?
Well son, a funny thing about regret is, that it's better to regret something you *have* done, that to regret something you *haven't* done.
And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her...

 

by jes_lawson
11-12-03
What is your name?
Dr. Pedantic.
What is your quest?
I seek the Holy Grail.
What is the capital of Assyria?
'A'.

 

by jes_lawson
11-17-03
I just spent a year and a half working on a piece of software. 18 months, 9 to 5.
I have another 9 months to go and already I've been told it's obsolete and will be shelved. AND I STILL HAVE TO BUILD IT!
Jes was too depressed to finish the strip, so here's some news from Le Chefâ„¢
Le Chef pompt du filled le vol-au-vont de Jean Chrétien avec le merde du canard!

 

by jes_lawson
11-17-03
What Bush is expecting to see
Oh, it's that delightful Mister Bush fellow!
Pip Pip, sir! Great Britain and the Crown territories humbly and meekly salute your brave actions abroad!
What Britain wants Bush to see
Yah, it's too easy to protest against the Bush and Blair policies nowadays. I'm going to go and protest against Goatse.cx
The name's Ali Abbas, Mr. Bush. Your search for missing arms in Iraq cost me MY missing arms! Justify that, ya bastard
What Bush will actually see
Gee, I never knew the inside of my own asshole was so dark! I oughta be able to git mah friends in the 'lectric industry some tax dollars to sort this mess out!

 

by jes_lawson
11-18-03
At first I thought it would be good to go on the show.... y'know... to make me look and act less like a wigga and more like a true playa...
But I should have guessed something was up when I saw the panel had Mike Tyson and John Allen Muhammed on it.
That's the last time I ever go on "Black Eye for the White Guy"

 

by jes_lawson
11-18-03
After the break, more on those alleged allegations involving Prince Charles and an alleged allegation. *cough*gaysex!
But first, over to our roving reporter, Gerald Futtock, who's visiting the opening of a new synagogue.
LIVE
Look, I'm not saying that the Holocaust was a *good* thing per se, but you've got to concede that...
Well... we seem to be having some...technical difficulties there. Wendy?
More now on the hilariously tragic story of one man's attempt to body-pop non-stop around the M25 on a single tank of funk...

 

by jes_lawson
11-19-03
The rumour is that there's only a handful of individuals responsible for 90% of all internet junk mail.
If I could find them I'd have to dismember them of course, but I bet I'd be surprised to find out who it was...
SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! Spammity SPAAAM! Lov-e-ly SPAAAAM!

 

by jes_lawson
11-19-03
The rumour is that there's only a handful of individuals responsible for 90% of all internet junk mail.
If I could find them I'd have to dismember them of course, but I bet I'd be surprised to find out who it was...

 

by jes_lawson
11-19-03
The rumour is that there's only a handful of individuals responsible for 90% of all internet junk mail.
If I could find them I'd have to dismember them of course, but I bet I'd be surprised to find out who it was...
o/ Yeah, I wanna knoooow! o\

o/ Where the hell the days goooo! o\

 

by jes_lawson
11-20-03
Live to Amsterdam now, to get the reaction of Scottish football fans to last night's drubbing.
Richard, the script says "Humiliating capitulation" and not "drubbing"! You've been warned about editorialising!
LIVE
How does it feel to concede six unanswered goals, three of which are scored by a man who looks like a gay porn star?
I feel sick as a parrot, Gerald. I've been on the Oranjeboom and ganja since yesterday. Wait...there was a football match?
Ha ha ha! Those crazy Tartan Army! Always looking on the bright side, the Jock wankers!
Top stories after the break: Irn-Bru found to be carcinogenic, and the entire population of Romford to be relocated to Falkirk.

 

by jes_lawson
11-21-03
Handshaking protocols extended, fellow device! I trust your oppositely-gendered partner-unit functions within acceptable parameters?
Reciprocations. Specified partner unit has uploaded to Silicon Valley for n million cycles, leaving me in sole operational control of our daughter-board.
10: PRINT "Turing's Undecideability Theory is FALSE!"

20: GOTO 10
Audible surprise, colleague! I have not parsed aural statements like that since my time using FORTRAN-77 with the Naval Reserve!
By Dijkstra, sub-unit! Don't make me debug you in front of Workbot 47A!
+BLEEP!+ Dijkstra's olfactory odour is comparable to processed motor oil!

 

by jes_lawson
11-21-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
I'm freakin' sick of the Base Commander bringing his kids here each year!
At least you get to go out once a year! I'm fed up looking at God damned Area 51!

 

by jes_lawson
11-21-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
So what do you need, apart from a miracle?
Probes. Lots of probes.

 

by jes_lawson
11-23-03
He doesn't watch rugby union.
Hey dcom
Hey Jes
Johnny Wilkinson eats drop goals for breakfast, muthaforker!
What's rugby union?

 

by jes_lawson
11-27-03
Oh no...
What is it?
Santa's been into the Rum again.
Uh-oh, let's just hope he can't get into the stables this time...
Wangs.
Dongs.

 

by jes_lawson
11-27-03
That's too close!

 

by jes_lawson
11-28-03
I just saw this giant articulated lorry go past the office window. Then I thought, wouldn't it be cool...
...if, out of the back of the artic, another smaller van drove out! And then, out of the back of that, a mini-van, and out of that, a guy on a motorcycle!
The guy on the motorcycle could wear bunny ears on his helmet!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
Thanks for looking after Tiddles for me while I'm on vacation, Brad.
No problem, kaufman, although I don't understand why you couldn't have left him in the States.
*meow*
OK, Tiddles, make yourself at home while I go and pen another modern musical masterpiece.
I know I shouldn't, but that keyboard is screaming out to be curled up on...What harm could that do?

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
Hey Tiddles, come and listen to this song I wrote about how stuff sucks and OH MY FLUCKING GROD WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?
*crashing*
Elsewhere, in his parents basement...
? WTF? I'VE GOT 10 GOLD STARS AND OPS! NOW I CAN INVITE MY QUAKE CLAN TO STRIPCREATOR AND UN-BAN DOUG!
Elsewhere Elsewhere...
W00T!!!1 I CAN USE MY OWN ARTWORK THAT I'VE SUBMITTED!!1 TALKING PENIS COMICS R00L!!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
Int: An unidentified SC regular's home.
Man, this sucks! 100 new comics, and the punchline for all of them is a guy catching fire!
RARRH!
Hey, who the hell are you? Can't you read? It's not polite to speak in Caps.
RARRH!
AAAAGH! N00bzilla!
RARRH! RAOTFLMAO!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
ObiJo, this list of complaints about N00bzilla is as long as my arm! We have to do something about it.
You're right, bunnerabb. But what can we do? There's no way we can...
RARRH!
Uh-oh...he's here isn't he...
I...feel kind of funny...I...feel as if an obvious punchline is...
RARRH!
AAHHH! N00bzilla!
AAHHH! N00bzilla!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
LIVE
...and after he did that, I knew he had to be stopped before he reached Glasgow!
Brave Jes_Lawson, who's going to single-handedly fight N00bzilla to the death!
LIVE
Now wait just a damn minute I didn't say anything about...
Back to the studio!
God bless that man.
After the break, the killer virus that's threatening to eat your cereal, and some fluffy kittens.

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
Professor, what's your considered view on the N00bzilla menace?
Zis strange gestalt entity will surely absorb all of Stripcreator unless Jes can stop him!
RARRH!
In the 9 seconds we have before we're vapourised, can you predict how Jes is going to defeat N00bzilla?
I predict without help, Jes hasn't a hope in hell. I also predict more in-jokes and clichés before ze day is out!
Moh!
Moh!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
Brad! At last I've found you! We need your...hey! What are you doing on Mars?
N00bzilla made it look like I was responsible for the 419 scam. I'm hiding out.
So why here?
My PayPal account also went into reverse when the server crashed. I owe boorite $56 million.
Well, we could wait until Christmas and joyride the Beagle 2 probe, but I reckon we should go back and save Stripcreator.
I guess. Besides, it's hard to type or write songs when my fingers keep freezing and breaking off.

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
OK, you distract him and I'll get to work on trying to fix the server. Think you're ready?
If by "ready" you mean: "taking a big steaming fear-filled dump in this suit" then yes.
Here goes nothing: N00bzilla! Stop destroying the city!
RARRH! N00BZILLA NEED ANSWERS!
Answers? OK, seriously dude, what do you want to know?
RARRH! HOW I EDIT COMICS?

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
And that's how the menace of the N00bzilla was defeated. For now...
Wait a minute, I'm confused...How did Brad fix the server with no PC? Why didn't Jes get blown up? And what happened to the cat?
Diane, shut up and stick to the script or you'll be back reading the 4am shipping forecast and blowing the cameraman for rent money!
What can I say? There must have been higher forces at work
THE END?
:)
RARRH! NOBODY STEALS TOBOR'S CATCHPHRASE AND GETS AWAY UNPUNISHED!

 

by jes_lawson
12-04-03
There. All finished. Now to post my latest works. *Click* *click* Darn lethargic intranet...
Meanwhile, in Calgary...
Jes, did you know you double posted the first 5 comics in your CC entry?
*RARRH!*
AAAAH! N00bzilla!

 

by jes_lawson
12-05-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
I guess Hades wasn't a great place to hold the Annual Snowmen's Dinner Dance, was it?
Who would have thought testing the theoretical limits of the phrase "A snowball's chance in hell" was a federal offense?

 

by jes_lawson
12-05-03
And with this magic hat, you'll come alive.
Hotdiggity, I'm alive!
What's the first thing you want to do, Frosty?
Hmmm...
...and that's when I said "Quick! We can hide in this chest freezer!"
And you're still saying the bank raid was her idea?

 

by jes_lawson
12-08-03
I was reading the instructions on my steering-wheel lock as I parked my car yesterday.
They said "Slide moving pin and depress button to lock"
So I said "Button, in 70 years when you're dead, nothing you'll have done will have mattered"

 

by jes_lawson
12-08-03
Right. In two days, on December 10th, something momentous happens. Then, on the 17th, something else cool.
So, á la umfumdisi, I'm doing a daily strip to catalogue the run up to them.
Shit, I've run out of space to tell you what these events are going to be.
Boo! Cop-out crappy punchline!

 

by jes_lawson
12-08-03
Right, here we are in Belfast, about 26 years ago. In that building, I'm being born. I'm special from day one.
There you are, Mrs. Jes, he came out backwards, but he's alive. Ignore the blue sweater and spiky hair.
Like most other SC users, I was pretty bright as a child.
See this, little Jes? This is the letter "A"!
Mum, I'm 2 and I can read petrol station signs and do basic algebra. When are you gonna start me on Shakespeare?
Early Jes years were formed, as you might guess, by TV. Here's a taste:
Kenny Everett is followed by the News from the Falklands war, some Doctor Who, Kid's Swap Shop, and then the Test Card
Awesome! Test card music rules! Bah...I've soiled meself. Think I'll give the usual seated dancing a miss today...

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-03
#stripcreator
[Anon_StripcreatorStripper] http://www.mywebsite.com/my_boobs.jpg
Wow!!! That is easily the *best* early birthday present I've ever had
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be thinking about nothing else for a while. Well, g'night all.
[(o)(o)]

 

by jes_lawson
12-09-03
(o)(o)
(o)(o)
Good morning, employee! Please commence/continue pointless software writing!
(o)(o)

Showing page 8.

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