All comics by DexX

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by DexX
3-27-02
Sir, I am dreadfully sorry that your... _mousse_ was not up to our usual standards of quality.
It tasted like shit!
You will not be charged for that item, and I would like to offer you a slice of apple pie, compliments of the house. Would you like cream on it?
Yes, all right then...
*fap fap fap fap* Won't be long, sir!

 

by DexX
3-27-02
I am sorry about the apple pie, sir. You will not be charged for any of tonight's meal. Please, though, have a chocolate mint.
Fine. *munch*
What's up, Frank?
The men's toilets are in a terrible state. It looks like someone has been beating shit with a spoon in there...
Approximately forty seconds later...
Uh... Waiter! The toilets! Where are the toilets? I n-need them right NOW!
I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but the toilets are closed for cleaning for the next... well, fifteen minutes at least...

 

by DexX
4-02-02
In a world gone mad...
I'm a teapot! I'm a teapot! I'm feeling decadent - bring me a penguin and a bucket of chocolate sauce!
Ouch! Someone's going to hell for that one!

 

by DexX
4-08-02
______Explosive Diarrhoea Man______ ________________vs.________________ __________Captain Obvious__________
Hrrrnnnnggghhh!!!
I am covered in rather a lot of shit.
______________Jesus________________ ________________vs.________________ ________Captain Monosyllabic_______
Yes, that's right - I was behind the whole thing!
Christ!
_____Awfully Brain Damaged Boy____ ________________vs.________________ _________No Shit Sherlock_________
Poop stinky.
Well d'uh!

 

by DexX
4-08-02
Captain Monosyllabic, we have finally captured Generic Evil Mastermind Number Eight!
Great! That is good news!
Okay, you go and interrogate him. We really need to find out where his secret headquarters are, so we can defuse that missile...
Right, I will... uh... More Good Than Most Pom Man... yeah...
Now, Bad Boss Guy, tell me where your sec- uh... not well known head- urr... place where you do all your stuff is! We have to... um... turn off... your... big jet-flight bomb thing...
Okay, I'll tell you... it's in Sasketchewan, and the target of the missile is the palace of the Sultan of Brunei in Bandaseri Bagawan.

 

by DexX
4-11-02
Wow, that's a bizarre coincidence. So we lived pretty much on the same block?
Kajun Firefly: Yep, not at exactly the same time, but yeah, a short walk apart.
*brrrriiiiinnnngg!!!* *brrrriiiiinnnngg!!!*
Fancy bumping into someone who- Wait on, phone's ringing. I'll get back to you in a minute...
...or maybe I'll be getting to you... *evil chuckle*
Kramer! We traced his IP address! He's using the PC upstairs! Get out of the house! Get out of the house right now!!!
Ken? What do you- Hey! ARGH!!! *thud!* *click!* *beeep beeep beeep beeep...*

 

by DexX
4-11-02
You fiend! What do you want with me and my baby?
My insidious new Devocombichamber will cobine the DNA of you and your child, and devolve you into a sub-human slave race!
"Just the Son, not a Creator," you said, Dad. Well, I'll show you!
HOW DO I GET TO #1????!!!???
Oops...

 

by DexX
4-12-02
Catholics aren't Christians!
So... what is the definition of a Christian? Isn't it one who believes in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Son of God who is also God, and that this act is the salvation_of_humanity?
Close enough.
That's odd... as a somewhat lapsed Catholic, I know for a fact that Catholics believe in precisely these things, and recite a full list of those beliefs at every mass. So why are_they_not_Christian?
Uh...cuz they're not?
You don't know, do you?

 

by DexX
4-15-02
Brad, somebody is asking why the Asian girls have to be the default characters...
Again? Didn't I put that in the FAQ yet?
Apparently not. Oh well, you should probably tell him.
Absolutely - it's time to definitely answer this question and remove the need for people to ask. So, here is the reason...

 

by DexX
4-16-02
We are intriducing a new strategy to improve our relations with our clients, called CMIP.
CMIP? What might that stand for?
Continuing Management Improvement Program.
Oh, excellent. So it's going to set up better communication between staff and management? Or will it increase accountability to management?
No, it's a fancy term for us telling you to work harder, but to stop whining and pretend you're having a good time.
Oh.

 

by DexX
4-16-02
May...
We are setting up performance monitoring for you. How many accounts can you get through on an average day?
Well, if there are a lot of them there, I would say... eighty or so. Maybe a hundred, but why is this necessary?
October...
You said you could do a hundred a day, but for the past few months you have rarely done more than sixty!
I had been in the job for a month when you asked me that question! I estimated incorrectly!
February...
You're still not doing a hundred a day. Let's ignore the fact that the demand dropped over Christmas...
...leaving me with an average of only twenty a day to actually process! Are you deliberately trying to drive me insane here?

 

by DexX
4-16-02
This conversation actually happened over the phone, for obvious reasons...
Linda, remember that email I sent you in which I mentioned that I was at my emotional limit?
Yeah, you sounded really upset. I was really worried about you.
Well, do you recall that in it I said that I was about ready to start smashing to furniture because the harrassment from the boss was driving me mad?
Yes, like I said, I was really worried. I passed the email on to my supervisor so we could get you some stress leave or something.
The email reached the boss. She sacked me.
Oh... shit...

 

by DexX
4-16-02
Sorry these are out of order. This one happened in my first week...
James, I wanted to talk to you about the work clothes you wear.
Sorry, this is the first professional job I have ever had. I will be buying some better clothes soon.
I want you to wear good slacks of some kind, a long-sleeved cotton business shirt, and a tie every day.
Okay then, I will do so when I buy some. Incidentally, can I see a copy of the official dress code.
There is no dress code. Just do it, proletariat scum.
Wheee, I'm going to have fun working here...

 

by DexX
4-16-02
You're saying this only to make me go.
I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going.
If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the_rest_of_your_life.
This wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I am pregnant with your child, would it?
Taxi!

 

by DexX
4-26-02
So, any idea what this press conference is about?
Nope, no idea. Reckon Dubyah's going to declare another vague war of some kind?
*ahem* Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I am sure you are wondering why you have been called here today. The President of the USA has today declared war... wait, this_can't_possibly_be_right...
Urm... The President has declared a War on Error.

 

by DexX
4-26-02
Have you heard about Dubyah's new war?
Ugh, don't remind me.
Ever time the US military pick's a new target to bomb, their excuse's get weaker and weaker...
Hey, what's that noise?
Another victory in the War on Error!

 

by DexX
4-26-02
...and that is why this war must be fought. Are there any more questions?
Mr Cheney! Andrew Dougan from the Glasgow Evening Times. Is this policy being honestly applied to all situations?
Absolutely. The War on Error will be brought to bear on anyone who harbours errorists, irregardless of any mitigating circumstances...
Hey, what's that noise?
Another victory in the War on Error!

 

by DexX
4-26-02
Let's see what's in the forums today... Oh bugger, not another one...
Tel me wot u think of my strps!!!!!!!!!! I no their crap, but reed them neway!!!!!
Why would we read your strips if they are crap? Besides, it's only ONE strip, not strips...
Hay, wots that noyze?
Another victory in the War on Error!

 

by DexX
4-26-02
What's this I hears about a War on Error? I never ordered that!
What? But... but... I saw it, Mr President! It was written on that press release you gave me!
Yer losin' it, son. I ordered a War on Terror. Look!
Oh, I see... this soggy lump of pretzel had covered up the T. That's explains... Hey, what's that noi-
Another victory in the War on Error!

 

by DexX
4-26-02
WIth the death of the president and his aide, the mistake was never discovered....
I won't never understand men... Hey, what's that noise?
The War on Error continued unabated, and the death toll climbed...
Were is that mischievious squirrel... Hey, what's that noise?
It seemed that it would never end...
...in fact, I plan to keep on writing more and more episodes in the series, because it is such a brilliant idea! This is the funniest series ever!
Hey, what's that noise?

 

by DexX
4-27-02
Where is she going? I have to know. Nobody pulls a sleigh in the middle of June. I'll sneak out the back door and see...
*slam*
Ahh, here she is. Are you ready to pull my dark sleigh, my pretty little slave?
*sob* Yes... I will do what I must...
Oh no... it can't be... could she really be working for... The Anti-Santa?

 

by DexX
4-27-02
Hold it right there, Anti-Satan!
*gasp!* No! It can't be...
I am your grandfather! You murdered your own father, my beloved son, and now I intend to have my revenge!
Ha! That is what _you_ think, old man. However, I think that someone very close to you may change your mind...
Huh...? What... what's he talking about, darling?
He's talking about my dark and scret shame that I can't possibly tell you, which has bound me to servitude... that secret is... oops, out of space!

 

by DexX
4-27-02
I still don't understand why you feel compelled to do this freak's bidding? What kind of hold does he have over you?
Haven't you been listening to anything I have said? Come on, think about it...
Uh... you are pregnant with the rapidly-growing demonic spawn of the evil man who killed your father-in-law before you even got to meet him. What conclusion am I supposed to draw from that?
If I don't do his bidding, he won't let me have custody of my baby.
Bye!
Hey! Bit of support here!

 

by DexX
5-01-02
...and we have to make the world a better place.
Really? How are we supposed to do that?
Hmmm...
Hmmm...
...Bazilla, dcomposed, Zero_Entropy, wenisinfurs...

 

by DexX
5-01-02
I don't get it, GardenBot 9000... Most of my herb garden is doing really well...
But...?
Well, the basil is doing just fine, and the rosemary is flourishing. The thyme, though... it just keeps wilting!
What are you using to water your garden?
Beer, of course!
Oh, that explains it. Didn't you know that beer makes thyme die?

 

by DexX
5-02-02
The Anti-Satan rockets through the skies on his mission of evil...
Ho, ho, ho! Get a fucking move on, ya bunch of hoes!
This is so humiliating...

 

by DexX
5-02-02
Hnnnnggg...
You're not getting any sympathy from me. I told you not to take the whole bottle of Prozac.

 

by DexX
5-02-02
So I says to her, "Hey, baby, you ever heard the phrase `Hung like a horse'?"
...like a horse! Get it!
Fuck off...

 

by DexX
5-02-02
OW!
OW! OW! PLEASE STOP!!!
LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU!
Urgh...

 

by DexX
5-02-02
Da doo da doot doot da di doodle-di-doo...
Badup-ba dup doop doopie doopie doop...
Tra-laa-de-daa... tum-te-tiddle-de-dump...
The Prozac will wear off soon... the Prozac will wear off soon... the Prozac will wear off soon...

 

by DexX
5-02-02
*blub*
.
It's shite bein' Scottish! We're the lowest of the low! Some people hate the English. I don't - they're just wankers. We, on the other hand, were colonised_by_wankers....
I think I'm just a bad person, but all that's gonna change. I'm choosing life...

 

by DexX
5-02-02
It's no good, DexX - our Church has stagnated... lost its way... it is no longer the true Church of Arse. I am founding a new Church.
What? No! You can't, Dan! If you divide our congregation there will be chaos! Brother aagainst brother! Sister against sister! Arse against arse!
I'm sorry, but that is a risk I have to take. If I stay here and do nothing, knowing that our current ways are wrong... I fear for my immortal arse.
...but the teachings! The Great Lord Tobor's words are there in the Book of Arse for all to read. How could we have strayed...?
I don't know how we strayed, but stray we did... from now on, I now belong to the Church of Ass.
*sob* No... I will put on my Blessed G-String and pray for you, brother...

 

by DexX
5-03-02
The baby can't possible be mine. I... I haven't been able to get it up in years... *sniff* I'm as droppy as... as... two-week-old celery... *sob*
Ha ha!

 

by DexX
5-06-02
If elected President of the Cosmos, all would retain their powers of free will, yet I would use a simple set of moral rules which if followed, would guarantee peace and_happiness_for_everybody.
Fuck that shit. Do what you like now, and pay for it later. Find ways to get what you want, and don't worry who may be hurt by you acquiring it. Nobody is as important as you. Vote 1 me.
That Lucifer guy has a nice suit.
Yeah.

 

by DexX
5-08-02
Hey, mate. What's new?
Oh, not much. I was just... uh... what does that poster over there say?
WANTED: Dead or Alive. Bear and Horse. Armed and extremely dangerous. Do not approach!
Uh-oh...
Uh-oh...

 

by DexX
5-08-02
Wanted??? Dead or alive??? But... but... but... we haven't done anything wrong!
What'll we do??? What'll we do??? What'll we do??? What'll we do??? What'll we do??? What'll we do??? What'll we-
SHHH!!!
How can you be calm???
I have a cunning plan that cannot fail... quick, to DexX's house!

 

by DexX
5-08-02
*knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock!!!*
BEAR!!! Calm down! I'll handle this.
What the FUCK is going on out here? Who is jackhammering my fucking door?
DexX! Quick! We need your help!
What appears to be the problem?
We need you to edit a wanted poster for us!

 

by DexX
5-08-02
There you go, Horse - wanted poster MkII. I will expect my payment in the usual way...
Hang on, I'll go get my strap-on kangaroo tail...
Tumt-te-tu- Hey! You're the guy on that poster over there!
Huh? Where?
WANTED: Dead or Alive. Bazilla and Zero_Entropy. Approach with caution - may be armed with dangerously bad comic strips.

 

by DexX
5-08-02
Whew! Looks like we don't have anything to worry about any more.
Looks like it.
I think we have both learned a valuable lesson from this.
Well, I know I have.
Good friends are wonderful to have!
Never let any witnesses live.

 

by DexX
5-09-02
Jenny, I just heard that young impressionable young people will take things in books too literally, and try to emulate them!
Oh no... I gave Tommy some of my old Enid Blyton books. There must have been twenty Famous Five novels in there... we have to stop him!
Ah-ha!!! My friends and I have defeated your plan to rob the post office, you bad man! Now we're going to- Mum? What are you doing here?
I'm here to help you, Tommy. We have to cure you of this terrible urge you have to eat pressed tongue and solve crimes with your friends...
Well, I'm glad all of that has been sorted out. From now on, you'll only be reading recognised literary classics.
Ooohh... Lord of the Flies! Cool!

 

by DexX
5-09-02
You see, Santa Claus is a positive demonic being, given power by the Christmas cheer of the whole planet every year. However, on Boxing Day, everybody loses their Christmas mood, and_I_get_destroyed.
I see...
I am then reborn through the negative emotions of a sinner, so I- ARGH!
Bullshit! Take THAT!!!
Ouch.
Oops.

 

by DexX
5-09-02
Nothing you do can possibly stop me, old man. You may have been able to withstand the Anti-Santa, but I am the Anti-Anti-Anti-Santa! You are doomed!
Oh yeah? Well watch this!
What the fuck...?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Santa Claus!
Well, technically I am the Anti-Anti-Santa Claus, but by the law of doubled-negatives...

 

by DexX
5-24-02
Jason! Come quick! Some bastard's stealing your truck!
Really? This oughtta be a laugh...
SHHKREEEEeeee...-KRUNCH!!!
Oh... my... did you...
Told you not to worry.
I still can't believe the truck just crashed itself.
I keep _telling_ you - it's not me! Every vehicle I have ever owned just likes to crash itself.

 

by DexX
5-31-02
I got your package. Thanks! It was lovely!
You burned it, didn't you?
They've put spy cameras in my house!!!

 

by DexX
6-13-02
Pull!
*whoosh!*
*BANG!*
*SPLAT!*

 

by DexX
6-15-02
Waaaahh!! Waaaaaahhh!!! Waaaaaaaahhh!!!
Oh no, the baby's crying again... I swear I'm gonna tear my hair out...
Don't worry about it, honey. I'll go settle him down.
Wow... I don't know how you do that. Why does he settle down so easily for you?
Oh, I just have the right technique...
*hic!* *burp!*

 

by DexX
6-15-02
Oh, come on...
No dad! I'm not talking to you! I don't want you to come and watch me play sport ever again...
The little bastard deserved it!
You punched him in the face, kicked him twice, and threw him in a lake!
He was on your back all day! He wouldn't leave you alone! He was on your heels every moment...
He was my partner! I WAS PLAYING GOLF!!!

 

by DexX
6-15-02
Ooooh, that's the biggest I've ever seen. *moan* *slurp* Oooh, baby, give it to me... *shlurp* *squidge*
Coool... oh shit! Dad's home!
Uh... dad...
What the hell...? Son... Look, I know you're curious and all, but this kind of thing is not for a young boy like you.
Yeah, dad, I know... I'm sorry...
I'll go get you some of my old copies of Penthouse. That's more your level.

 

by DexX
6-18-02
I am the Great I Am.
No, I am.
You are what?
I am I Am.
You are? Are you sure you are I Am?
Yeah, I am.

 

by DexX
6-18-02
Wait on... if you are I Am, then who am I?
I don't know.
Well, that settles it. I Am would know who I am.
Good point... maybe I am not I Am after all...
Well, one of us must be I Am!
I think you are I Am...

Showing page 9.

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