All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
6-17-04
POOF! FLESH BEGONE!

 

by biped
6-17-04
I like soft-boiled eggs.
I like hard-boiled eggs!
I like soft tacos.
I like crunchy tacos!
I like poisoning people.
I like blowing their heads off with a shotgun!

 

by biped
6-17-04
He was a BAD man! So I turned him into a WATER COOLER! A water cooler that still has HIS BAD FACE!
It...it's GOOD that you done that to Dan, Anthony! It's VERY good!
Now send it into the cornfield, Anthony! PLEASE, son...send it into the cornfield!
I can't, Dad! It's stuck to the background!

 

by biped
6-17-04
Yum, I like this super space milk.
TICKS OR TEATS!
What if candy came out of a/an horse's butthole
Let's molt like birds, and shit like dogs!
HUP HO! WHERE'S MY SUPER DELUXE BONG, MOMMY?!
The whole universe is inside a giant dog's BUTTHOLE!
I love to discover fun things in my own butthole!
STAR TREK XII: SPOCK'S NEW TITTIES!

 

by biped
6-18-04
Does this outfit make my butt look big?
Hmm...
No, I think you just have a big butt.

 

by biped
6-18-04
Hey, baby! Lez FUCK!
Oh, MY!
You're a hot li'l number...I wanna see you NEKKID!
You're obviously DRUNK, young man!
Sure! The drunker I get, the more HOT CHICKS there are runnin' around!
Well, all right. But dibs for on top.

 

by biped
6-18-04
JOEY AND JEFF ARE AT THEIR DADS' PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT TODAY!!!
HOW DO YOU LIKE "TAKE YOUR SON TO WORK DAY" SO FAR, JEFF!!! ARE YOU HAVING FUN!!!
NO!!! MY DAD'S JOB IS BORING!!! I WOULD RATHER BE AT HOME PLAYING VIDEO GAMES!!!
JEFF ISN'T HAVING FUN HERE TODAY, DAD!!! I WONDER WHY HE'S SO BORED!!!
BECAUSE HIS DAD IS AN EXECUTIVE, JOEY!!! HE DOESN'T HAVE A FUN JOB LIKE BEING A JANITOR LIKE ME!!!
JEFF!!! MY DAD SAID YOU COULD COME HELP US MOP THE RESTROOMS!!! AND CLEAN THE TOILETS!!!
OH BOY!!! THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN!!! LET ME GO GET MY SACK LUNCH AND WE'LL EAT IN THERE TOO!!!

 

by biped
6-18-04
I'M GLAD YOU'RE OUR NEW TEACHER, MISS CRABGILLS!!! YOU'RE PRETTY!!! *BLUSH*!!!
THANK YOU, JOEY!!! I HOPE THAT DOESN'T TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF YOUR LESSONS!!!
I THINK I HAVE A CRUSH ON MY NEW TEACHER, MOM!!! SHOULD I ASK HER TO GO OUT WITH ME!!!
NO!!! SHE IS TOO OLD FOR YOU, JOEY!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL YOUR OWN AGE!!!
MY MOM SAID I SHOULDN'T ASK YOU TO GO OUT WITH ME, MISS CRABGILLS!!! BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR ME!!!
I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND ANYWAY, JOEY!!! HE STRIPS BARK OFF OF BAD BOARDS AT THE LUMBER YARD!!!

 

by biped
6-18-04
WOW!!! THIS NEW SPACE RIDE SURE IS FUN, HUH JEFF!!! IT'S JUST LIKE BEING IN OUTER SPACE!!!
IT MAKES ME WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT WHEN I GROW UP, JOEY!!! AND REALLY GO INTO SPACE!!!
ME AND JEFF WANT TO BE ASTRONAUTS, MOM!!! DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE HARD TO GET TO BE ONE!!!
YES IT WOULD, JOEY!!! YOU'D HAVE TO STUDY TEN TIMES HARDER THAN ALL THE OTHER STUDENTS IN YOUR SCHOOL!!!
I DON'T KNOW IF I COULD STUDY THAT HARD, JEFF!!! I HATE MATH AND SCIENCE AND STUFF!!!
MAYBE BY THE TIME WE GROW UP STUPID PEOPLE CAN GO INTO OUTER SPACE TOO!!!

 

by biped
6-18-04
HI, MR. WILSON!!! WHO IS THAT NEW GIRL WHO IS LIVING IN YOUR HOUSE NOW!!!
SHE'S A FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM BORNEO, JOEY!!! HER NAME IS UMBIBWEH!!!
HI, UMBIBWEH!!! MY NAME IS JOEY!!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO WATCH TV OR PLAY VIDEOGAMES!!! OR A ROLE-PLAYING GAME!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE, JOEY!!! I ONLY PLAY WITH STICKS AND ROCKS!!! AND MAKE HOLY FISH IDOLS OUT OF MUD!!!
GUESS WHAT, MOM!!! I LEARNED HOW TO MAKE HOLY FISH IDOLS OUT OF MUD TODAY!!! ISN'T THAT NEAT!!!
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T WORSHIP THEM, JOEY!!! IF REVEREND BURTON FOUND OUT, WE MIGHT GET KICKED OUT OF CHURCH!!!

 

by biped
6-18-04
WHAT DO YOU WANT, MISTER!!! ARE YOU A FRIEND OF MY DAD!!!
NO!!! I'M SELLING MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS, LITTLE BOY!!! I'LL BET I HAVE SOME THAT YOU WOULD LIKE!!!
GUESS WHAT, REVEREND BURTON!!! I GOT A SUBSCRIPTION TO "PLAYBOY" TODAY!!! I'M A BOY, AND I LIKE TO PLAY!!! IT SOUNDS RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!!!
NO, JOEY!!! THAT MAGAZINE WILL GIVE YOU IMPURE THOUGHTS!!! IT'S FILLED WITH NAKED WOMEN AND SINFUL COMMENTARY!!! AND RIBALD CARTOONS!!!
I WANT MY MONEY BACK, MISTER!!! REVEREND BURTON SAID THAT "PLAYBOY" MAGAZINE WOULD BE BAD FOR ME!!!
I DON'T KNOW WHY HE WOULD THINK THAT!!! I SOLD HIM A TEN-YEAR SUBSCRIPTION TO IT THIS MORNING!!!

 

by biped
6-18-04
May my soccer team play soccer with your chickens, please?
Huh? Hell, no! I don't want you a-killin' all of my dang chickens just for your silly little game!
Why, you selfish BASTARD! You'll PAY for this! Mark my words, old man...you'll pay DEARLY!
Yeah? Well, you'll be a-payin' fer them chickens if you go a-playin' soccer with 'em!
This is Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon reminding YOU to think of the poor chickens.
And just say NO...to chicken soccer.

 

by biped
6-18-04
Sometimes, when I fart, my farts smell like Arkansas.
Usually after I've eaten a really big chef salad.
Damn, that lady next door sure has some big... Arkansas?

 

by biped
6-19-04
Ying-Yang, let's go get in the bunker and stand in the dead guys' blood.
Okay, Goo-Goo!
Now let's walk around and leave big bloody footprints through nursery schools and stuff.
Cool! That oughtta shock society!

 

by biped
6-19-04
Welcome to Captain Chip's Super Burger! Can I take your order?
Gimme a double fuck burger and a large shit fries, asshole!
Welcome to Captain Chip's Super Burger! Can I take your order?
I'll have a "super" order of fuck nuggets, a shit shake, and two fried dog testicles, asshole!
Welcome to Captain Chip's Super Burger! Can I take your order?
Fuck you, asshole!

 

by biped
6-19-04
Why does everyone keep calling me "asshole"?
Hey, asshole! Drain that lizard and get back to work!
But I own this place! Why does he talk to me like -- er, CAPTAIN CHIP'S SUPER BURGER! CAN I --
Hi, Captain Chip! Gimme an order of Fish Dicks, a Bull Whanger Hot Dog, two bowls of Goat Diahrrea Chili, and a double-swirl Monkey Jizz Sundae sprinkled with Geek Zits!
Heh-heh, well at least you didn't call me --
HURRY UP, ASSHOLE!

 

by biped
6-19-04
Who changed all the food names? And why does everyone keep --
Pardon me...I'm ready to order.
Oh, hello Father, heh-heh! Welcome to Captain Chip's Super --
I'll have a nice, cold Orange-Ade.
Oh, well, that's simple enough! Will there be --
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GIVE ME MY FROSTY HORSE PISS, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!

 

by biped
6-19-04
Whew! What a day! I'm so confused, I don't know what --
Well, see ya tomorrow, asshole! Hope you liked all the changes I made while you were on vacation!
Changes? But I didn't authorize any --
Hey, look! Our new TV commercial's coming on!
"Come to CAPTAIN ASSHOLE'S SUPER FUCK BURGER! Curse at the Captain -- win a free order of FUCK NUGGETS!"
OH MY GOD!!! NO!!! NO!!!

 

by biped
6-20-04
PHILLIP VS. BUG!!!
GHOST VS. SKELETON!!!
HALLOWEEN IS SAVED!!!
Yay! The good guys won!
Let's suck each other's dicks!

 

by biped
6-20-04
So, do you have sex whenever you want? Or do you have to wait for some kind of bovine mating season?
Would you mind checking your armpit hair? I've lost my hamster.
Wow! A foul-smelling, butt-ugly hag -- AND a feminist! Who'd have ever guessed?

 

by biped
6-21-04
Hi! I'm Church Goat!
GAAAAAA!!!!!
FATHER! Do we HAVE to have that awful GOAT in our church?
Yes, Mrs. Fishfood, I'm afraid we do. You see, he's Church Goat.
Church Goat, I'm afraid Mrs. Fishfood doesn't approve of your presence here.
Uh-oh! And I just ate all the upholstery in her car, too!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Let me speak to the Pope right away! I want to complain about this "Church Goat" who's in our church!
Hi! This is Church Goat! Can I help you?
CHURCH GOAT! What are you doing in the VATICAN?
The Pope is giving me a bath! We're pals!
You're...you're with the POPE?
Sure! He's my foster dad!

 

by biped
6-21-04
If it's all right with everyone, I've invited Church Goat to give today's sermon.
Today's sermon will be called, "Be Careful What You Eat!"
Sometimes you shouldn't eat something just because it looks good! Like someone's car upholstery, for example!
Because this could make that person even more mad at you than they already are! I think that's why Mrs. Fishfood doesn't like me!
That was a wonderful sermon, Church Goat. I -- JOEY! STOP EATING THAT HYMNAL!
Don't be too hard on him, Father! I've already eaten five or six of them today myself!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Having you here has been a real blessing, Church Goat. I wish you didn't have to leave.
I would stay longer, but there's a small Lutheran church in Utah that has never been visited by Church Goat!
Thanks to Church Goat, Joey has finally stopped eating the covers off of his school books.
Aww! He wants to be like Church Goat!
Trinity Broadcasting proudly presents the premiere of its wonderful new children's show, "Be Like Church Goat."
YAY! CHURCH GOAT! AND LOOK -- HE'S EATING JERRY FALWELL'S PANTS!

 

by biped
6-21-04
May my soccer team play soccer with your chickens, please?
Huh? Hell, no! I don't want you a-killin' all of my dang chickens just for some silly little game!
Why, you selfish BASTARD! You'll PAY for this! Mark my words, old man...you'll pay DEARLY!
Yeah? Well, you'll be a-payin' fer them chickens if you go a-playin' soccer with 'em!
Ha-ha! That stupid farmer never DREAMED I'd burn his fucking HOUSE down, and -- hey, wait a minute! This is MY house! SHIT!!!

 

by biped
6-21-04
I'll get you, chicken!
HELP! HELP! HE WANTS TO PLAY SOCCER WITH ME!
Hold it right there! I done told you to stay away from my dang chickens!
LOOK, you brain-dead old FART! How the hell are we supposed to play CHICKEN SOCCER without CHICKENS?
Well then, use a damn SOCCER BALL, DAMN IT!
Hel-LO!!! It's called CHICKEN SOCCER, not SOCCER BALL SOCCER... DUMBASS!!!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Well? Did you get the chickens?
NO! That stupid FARMER keeps running me off! Man, I'd like to FIX HIS ASS!
Why don't we burn his house down?
I already TRIED that! I accidentally burned my OWN house down!
Well, why don't we attach remote control devices to the chickens? Then we can control them with joysticks!
I -- HEY! That's a GOOD IDEA! DAMN, you're SMART!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Come to me, chickens!
CAN'T... RESIST! MUST... OBEY... GEEK!
Don't worry, Dad! My superior technology will supercede their puny devices!
That's a good boy, son! Make 'em pay!
HELP!!! HELP!!!
MUST KILL GEEK!!! MUST KILL GEEK!!!

 

by biped
6-21-04
TRUCE! TRUCE! Come on, old man! Don't let the chickens kill us! PLEASE!
Okay! I'll give you ONE CHICKEN -- if'n you boys'll paint my house AND my barn!
Fuckin' asshole! We're gonna be out here ALL WEEK paintin' this fuckin' barn!
Yeah, but THEN we get to play CHICKEN SOCCER! WOOT! WOOT!
Are you really going to let them have one of us, Farmer Brown?
HELL, no! Once they git all that paintin' done, I'm gonna sic the ROTTWEILERS on 'em!

 

by biped
6-21-04
HELP!!! HEELLLP!
GRRRRR!!!!
That fuckin' old BASTARD!!! HEEELLLP!!!
That DOES it! Now I AM gonna burn his fuckin' HOUSE DOWN! HEEELLLPP!!!
THIS'LL show 'im! He'll be sor -- hey, WAIT a minute! This is MY house! FUCK!!!

 

by biped
6-21-04
GOSHERS! It sure is a cutey-cute day in the forest today! Why, it makes me want to sing a song -- !!
Oh, shut the fuck up, you bucktoothed little twerp.
Huh? I -- uh...so, the song I was gonna sing was --
You sing one note of that fucking song and I swear to god I'll bash your squirrelly little fucking brains in.
Um...okay, now -- that's not very nice language for a Walt Disney cartoon, Mr. Dorky Duck!
FUCK YOU, you little brown nose! Why don't you go live in Uncle Walt's fucking ASSHOLE if you think he's so great!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Oh, yeah? Well, FARK YOU, too! I'm tired of having to carry these farking cartoons after disillusioned old farts like you have lost interest!
"Lost interest"? I've been in 450 fucking cartoons, you little DORK! I'm 69 fucking years old! When the fuck do I get to retire?
Look, I just signed a contract with Steven Spielberg, and --
STEVEN SPIELBERG? If that fucking asshole ate a thousand cartoons a day for a thousand years and drank a million gallons of cartoon laxatives, he couldn't SHIT a decent cartoon!
Oh, well, ha-ha! You're just an old sourpuss! La, la, la, I'm making the best of a --
THAT'S IT! I warned you about singing that fucking song! You're DEAD MEAT, FUCKER!

 

by biped
6-21-04
HELP! DORKY DUCK'S GONE OUT OF HIS FARKING MIND! HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! HELP!
WAIT'LL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, YOU LITTLE --
Hey! What's going on here?
Um...you wanna get the fuck outta my cartoon, dickhead? Your scene isn't scheduled to be shot till next Tuesday.
MY scene? In YOUR cartoon? You mean now they've got me doing GUEST SHOTS to bolster the third-stringers' fucking cartoons?
Why, you egotistical BASTARD! I throw a washed-up old HAS-BEEN a fucking BONE by giving him a cameo in one of MY great cartoons, and all he can do is BITCH!

 

by biped
6-21-04
He's right. I am a washed-up old has-been. My kind of cartoons are over...and I hate making them now anyway. Maybe I should just wander off and die.
Wow...I've never been off the page before. It sure is blank. Ahh...blissful blankness. I'll just lose myself in it until I fade away.
Huh?
What up, fuckface? Hmm... I thought I smelled shit.
Who the fuck are you s'posed to be? Dickhead Duck? Ha, ha, BURN!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Hi, Dorky. I've been expecting you. I'm Brad -- would you like to be in my cartoons from now on?
Do I have to be insufferably cute? And say nice, cute things all the time?
Heck, no! You can say or do anything you want. Try it.
SHITFUCKPISS!!! SCREW YOUR MOM!!! Hey, I like it here! You've got a deal!
Hi, Dorky. I guess Brad put you here in the Kaddar section with me.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I mean, oh, really, miss?

 

by biped
6-21-04
"Oh boy, I always wanted to fuck a duck. Let us now engage in unrestrained sex."
(Fuck ME! This is GREAT!) "Sure, but I hope you brought protection! And I'm not talking about a big dog!" (HA, HA! I just SLAY me!)
Hee hee! That was great! I can't wait to see what they have me doing nex -- GAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! SILLY SQUIRREL!!!
HIYA, DORKY!!!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Oh, I moonlight for Brad on my fucking days off, you shit-for-brains cocksucker! Why, it makes me want to sing a motherfucking song -- !!

 

by biped
6-21-04
Can you hear me now?
Can you hear me now?
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by biped
6-21-04
DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT, TOBOR! DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT! NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY... YOU'VE GOT TO --
Telephone, Father. Something about sea monkeys.
Oh, goody!
HELLO...? MONSIGNOR...?

 

by biped
6-23-04
Woof! Woof!
What's that, Lassie? There's a little squirrel trapped in the trunk of an abandoned car?
Woof! Woof!
And he's suffocating? Oh no! I've got to get help! We have to rescue the little squirrel!
Squirrel? I was trying to tell him that his fly is open.

 

by biped
6-23-04
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!
See? I told you there was a castle over there.
Cool!
What are you scrolling over here for?
The comic's over, fuckhead!

 

by biped
6-23-04
CHOKE! CHOKE! CHOKE YOUR CHICKEN!
CHOKE-A-DOODLE-DOO! WHACK IT TILL YA SPEW!
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK YOUR MONKEY!
WIGGLE YOUR BANANA! RIGHT IN FRONT OF NANA!
FLOG! FLOG! FLOG YOUR MEAT LOG!
WHIP IT TILL YA FIZZ! AND SQUIRT A LOAD OF JIZZ!

 

by biped
6-23-04
Well, now that the polar ice caps have melted, I'm homeless and out of a job.
Me too! Right, Santa?
You? Nobody gives a fuck about YOU! Elves are vile, disgusting little creatures... nature's fuck-ups.
But...you love us...right, Santa?
LOVE you? HO-HO-HO! I love CHEAP LABOR! That's what I love, DUMBASS!
Heh, heh...oh.

 

by biped
6-23-04
Now, march right down to the unemployment office and get a job. And if you don't get one, then don't come back.
Heh, heh...okay, Santa.
What are your qualifications?
I can make toys, heh-heh! Wonderful new toys for the girls and boys!
Can you make video games? Computer software? Electronic remote-control devices? Things that pop and flash and go "bleep-bloop"?
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by biped
6-23-04
Well?
I got a job shoveling shit, Santa! Heh, heh...
You're not bringing home enough money to support the lifestyle I'm accustomed to! Go out and steal some! NOW!
Oh...oh, my...heh, heh...okay, Santa...
Give me all your money, or... or I'll kill you... heh, heh...
MADRE DE DIOS! I'M BEING ROBBED BY ONE OF NATURE'S FUCK-UPS!

 

by biped
6-23-04
Can I help you?
Give me all your money... and no tricks... or I'll kill you... heh, heh...
I brought home some more money, Santa... but I had to kill some people to get it... innocent people...heh, heh...
It's NOT ENOUGH! Go out and get some more -- I don't care HOW you have to do it -- or DON'T COME BACK! Now MOVE IT!
Yes, yes, the watch, too...heh, heh... or I'll kill you...
*sob* I've had this watch since 1939... one of Santa's elves made it for me... *choke*

 

by biped
6-23-04
I made him that watch...and now I've had to kill him... because he twitched... heh...Santa's turned me into a monster...heh, heh...a monster...
...and TOMORROW you'll go RIGHT BACK OUT and do the SAME THING, you hear? Now bring me my DINNER, FREAK!
Heh, heh...okay, Santa...coming right up...
Did you like it, Santa? I put something special in it... just for you, heh-heh... rat poison... because you were such a big, fat, stinking rat...heh, heh...

 

by biped
6-23-04
Now I'm homeless again...and so hungry...so... hungry... heh... heh...
Hi! Aren't you one of Santa's elves?
CHOMP! CHOMP! GULP! Mmm... yes, my child... I was one of Santa's elves... and now I'm a cannibal... a monstrous, unholy cannibal...
I'm afraid you'll have to come with me, elf. And no false moves... or I'll have to kill you. Heh, heh.
OH, BOY! They gave me a job in the WORKSHOP! I wonder what "license plates" are?

 

by biped
6-23-04
LARRY! Your father just had a HEART ATTACK! I need you to drive him to the hospital NOW!
But...it's almost time for The Flintstones.
YABBA-DABBA-DOO!

 

by biped
6-23-04
Hello, 911? The woods are on fire.
What is the exact location of the fire? Could you describe the size and intensity of the blaze? Does it appear to be out of control? Is it endangering innocent people?
Aah, fuck it.

 

by biped
6-23-04
Larry! The house is about to blow up! Quick -- turn off the gas!
Sure, Mom. In a minute.
LARRY! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO...IS WALK OVER...AND TURN OFF THE GAS!
I'm on it, Mom.
Wow...these graphics are awesome.

Showing page 9.

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