All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
9-29-01
Wow. Four minutes. That must be a record. Why'd you come back?
My dog just took a poop. I thought it was pretty funny and that I should make a comic about it.
Why's that funny?
It looks kinda like wirthling's head. Come look.
It did kinda look like wirthling's head. Too bad you stepped in it. You could have framed it and hung it on your wall.
Ah, cruel fate! Why must you temp me so?

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
Ga... I mean Killer. You've got to help me. Big Stan said he was going to make me his bitch.
No problem. You just tell him you're my bitch. That'll clear things up.
What do I have to do if I'm your bitch?
The usual. Cooking, cleaning, tidying up the cell. Oh, and you'll need to start wearing makeup and calling me Sugar.
What if I don't want to do that?
I can lend you the shiv I made out of a tin can and you can just stick it in Big Stan's ear.

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
It is good that you have come to see me, Frankie. We need to discuss your advancement in the organization.
I would do anything in my power to help the family, Don Obi.
I think it's time you became a made scientist.
Don Obi, I am honored that you have chosen to bestow this upon me.
Once you're a made scientist, you'll never be able to have any other facial expressions. We're going to staple your mouth like that.
Do what must be done, Don Obi.

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
Say Billings, you remember that time you read a post and didn't make a comic about it?
Hmmm...
Nope. Can't say that I do. Hey, you remember that time we yanked off Andy's pants and hung him upside down from the overpass?
Yeah. That was pretty funny.
Right up to the point where the rope broke and he fell in front of that truck.

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
Mister, have you seen my cat?
Whad'it look like, missy?
He was a cute little calico.
Don't believe I've seen one of them 'round these parts.
Hey, your Davey Crockett hat looks awful familiar.
You'd best keep walking.

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
What's the saddle for, mister?
Well sonny, I had me a dream the other night. I seen this magic dolphin what could fly like a bird. I throwed my lasso 'round it's neck...
...tossed my saddle on his back and rode him into the sunset. I aim to find me that there magic dolphin.
That's the gayest thing I've ever heard.
Man's gotta have dreams, son.

 

by gabe_billings
9-30-01
You've got a bag of corn, a chicken and a dog to get across a river. You have one boat and can only take one thing at a time.
If left alone, the chicken will eat the corn and the dog will eat the chicken. How do you get them all across safely?
Can I stick the chicken up my ass?
No.
Then I'm fresh out of ideas.

 

by gabe_billings
10-02-01
*Klonk*
I think my computer has a virus.
How do you know?
It ate the dog.
I'll get the chainsaw.

 

by gabe_billings
10-02-01
Brad says we're supposed to alphabetize all the characters and backgrounds this afternoon. Got your thinking cap on, Gabey?
Fuck. Obi, how come we always get the shit jobs? Wirthling got to organize Brad's porn collection by hair color and boob size.
We might as well get started or we're never going to get out of here. Let's see, what come first? C? No, wait, G.
Fuck. This is what librarians are for. Let's just go beat up boorite and make him do it.
Sounds good to me. We should probably get drunk first.
Sounds good. Maybe we can crap in Brad's car on the way the library!

 

by gabe_billings
10-03-01
Get your ass in gear, son. We got to combine the north forty before nighfall or else we ain't gonna git that grass seed to the plant on time.
Aww, Dad. I need to practice my moves for the Dahler Mendhi Indipop dance competition this weekend!
What, that feller with the towel on his head? Tell you what. I'm a gonna go git in my combine over there and if you come to your senses by the time I get back I won't run you over.
You just don't understand! Help me Dahler, you're my only hope! Use your punjabi magic to make him understand!
...or implode.

 

by gabe_billings
10-04-01
What the fuck are you listening to?
Yannick. It's French rap. Isn't it def?
I wish I was deaf.
It's shit, isn't it?

 

by gabe_billings
10-04-01
What you got there, Gabey?
Stripcreator stats, Obi my man. Do you realize that our comics make up 2.32% of total comics to date?
We are an unstoppable geek force.
An elite crimefighting duo of dorkiness.
Wait... does that include this one?
Shit. I'll get the calculator!

 

by gabe_billings
10-04-01
Look at these numbers. Do you realize you're responsible for almost 13% of nearly 17,000 forum posts?
Yup.
So what's the deal?
I was actually hired by pair.com to bump up Brad's bandwidth so they could charge him extra.
And what do you get out of the deal?
Free nachos. And a mousepad.

 

by gabe_billings
10-05-01
Hey, your dog ever dig holes?
Sometimes, Why?
He ever dig a hole underneath a car tire, then crawl in it and play dead and pretend he was run over?
I don't think he's smart enough for that.
You see where I'm heading here?
An asswhuppin, looks like to me.

 

by gabe_billings
10-05-01
1996
Well, you made it through college. What are you going to do with that computer science degree?
I'm thinking about becoming a massage therapist.
1999
How's the massage therapy business going?
I closed up shop a little while back. Now I'm an executive chef at Chez Wirthling.
2006
How's life in the kitchen?
Oh, that? I quit and became a dog trainer. Then a mountain guide. Now I repair microwaves.

 

by gabe_billings
10-05-01
I saw wirthling's head poking up out of the sand back there.
Yeah, I know.
Did you bury him again?
Me? Of course not.
I just chopped his head clean off and left it there for the crabs.

 

by gabe_billings
10-06-01
Singing telegram for a Mr. Wirthling.
Wow, I've never gotten a singing telegram before. Let's hear it!
Hmm... I guess it's not so much a song. I'm just supposed to scream 'Die you fucking cocksmoker'.
That's not very nice.
Then apparently I'm supposed to stab you in the eye with this icepick.
Does that cost extra?

 

by gabe_billings
10-13-01
Wow. Only fifteen words.
What do you think we should say?
Hmmm...
Hmmm...
Wirthling
Sucks!

 

by gabe_billings
10-14-01
Nobody move! I'm hijacking this plane!
With that Taco Bell spork?
I could make some serious fucking indentations in your skin. Maybe even break it. So don't fuck with me.
You're a loony.
I've got hot sauce too, mutherfucker! Don't make me use it!

 

by gabe_billings
10-19-01
I'm against our war with the Taliban.
Really? I'd have thought you'd be all for it.
I would, except for one thing.
What's that?
WE WON'T HAVE ANY CRUISE MISSILES LEFT TO TAKE OUT THE FUCKING PROJECTS!

 

by gabe_billings
10-20-01
Hmm... certainly a quandry. I'm not quite sure what I should do next.
Some decisions are difficult ones. What would Jesus do?
Always double down on eleven, dipshit!

 

by gabe_billings
10-20-01
This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Where the hell did you find tickets to full contact naked tennis anyway?

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
I can fly.
Is that it?
I can also bend steel bars with my mind, squirt blood out of my eyes and see through certain kinds of cheese.
Wow.
So what super powers do you have, Torch Boy?
I can make S'mores.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
I can't believe it! An eviction notice! What the hell did I ever do to deserve this?
There was that time you decided to chop a hole in the wall with the SawZall so you could park your Jeep in the living room.
Oh yeah... I forgot about that.
And then there was that little thing where you tried to flush all those packing peanuts down the toilet and clogged up the sewers.
I forgot about that one, too.
And let's not forget the firebreathing hookers...

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey, thanks for your help with the Comic Cup thing.
No problem, wirthling my boy. All I need from you is that which we agreed upon.
Yeah, I didn't read over that contract very closely. Do I have to like mow your lawn or something?
I'm afraid it's a little more complicated than that. I need your soul.
I gave you that four years ago for the power to see through women's clothing.
Silly me, how could I forget. How about 20 bucks, then?

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey wirthling, sorry about that little fiasco over at the building lot of your new house.
Fiasco? You drove a fucking cement truck into the foundation! It'll take weeks to fix all the shit you screwed up.
It was an accident, I swear.
It better have been.
I was aiming for you.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey wirthless. I like the new wheels out front.
That's not my car. It's my mom's.
Does she know anything about disarming car bombs?
No. Why?
Just curious.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey wirthheimer. How's it hanging?
Billings, did you break all the windows in my car and paint 'Gabe Wuz Here' on the hood?
Is this a trick question?

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey wirthling. Shouldn't you be on fire?
What the fuck does that mean?
Oh. You haven't used your toaster yet today, have you?
No. Why?
No reason. Hey, how about making me some Eggo waffles?
Sur.... Hey. Wait a minute.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Your new boat is pretty sweet, wirthmeister.
Damn right. I had to take out a second mortgage on the house to get her, but it was worth it.
I took the liberty of christening the good ship 'Tobor' for you.
Thanks, Billings. I wouldn't have expected such a gesture from you. What kind of champagne did you use?
Champagne? Don't you christen with a wrecking ball?
I hate you.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Hey wirthling, what do you get when you cross a squirrel and a woodchipper?
I don't know. What?
Go take a peek in your bedroom.
You might want to bring some paper towels. And a mop. And some rubber boots.
I hate you, Gabe Billings.

 

by gabe_billings
10-21-01
Another milestone reached, eh? At least you didn't spend hours sitting at your PC like a dork, waiting for this one.
What do you mean? I've been here since Tuesday.
You're pathetic.
That's what they said about Columbus.
That made absolutely no sense. They didn't even have computers back then.
What am I, a fucking historian? Aren't there some goats you should be fucking or something?

 

by gabe_billings
10-22-01
Wirthling sucks giant donkey cock.
And he smells bad, too.
That's your entry? Whose style is that supposed to be?
What's this about an entry?
Good grief.

 

by gabe_billings
11-06-01
Happy Birthday!
It's not my birthday.
Are you sure? I know I got you a present for some reason.
Pretty sure. I could check the calendar again, though.
Oh. Then it must be for accidentally burning down your house.
Gee, thanks.

 

by gabe_billings
11-12-01
Say, what are doing with that hammer Earl?
I was thinking about pounding this nail into my skull.
Won't that hurt?
I reckon so.
That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
It is, isn't it? Maybe I should just go watch Johnny Quest instead.

 

by gabe_billings
11-19-01
Well Stella, did you give my advice a try?
I sure did. Thanks to Norelco, now my nipples look like two beautiful pencil erasers instead of tiny Chewbacca figurines.
Hey, that's great! But you don't sound so happy about it.
Well, after my boyfriend wirthling saw what it did for me, he wanted to give it a try on his lower extremities.
And what happened?
Apparently the depilator works on anything hair sized. Now our chances of a family are ruined unless I can get the UPS man to cooperate.

 

by gabe_billings
11-30-01
...and now I just want to cancel the service, but those fuckers want to charge me $150!
I'm on it.
Obi, 'Operation Rosebud' is a go. Come pick me up. Bring the night vision scope, the BatBelt, the rocket launcher and the C-4.
We don't have any of that stuff.
Then we'll have to fall back on plan B.
Flaming bag of poop. Gotcha.

 

by gabe_billings
12-01-01
So what's the plan?
Me and Santa here gots $300 bucks says you c'aint shove that entire tree up yer ass.
You can't take that star offen the top, neither.
OH! TANNENBAUM!

 

by gabe_billings
12-05-01
One day on the set...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Um...
Line!
CUT! Jesus Christ! This isn't fucking brain surgery. Just say 'What the fuck are you talking about?' and we can print this bitch.

 

by gabe_billings
12-05-01
So I says, "Well, them rotor turdines ain't gonna ..."
Haw! You said turd!
Hell iffen I did!
I heard ya! You said 'turdines'! What the fuck it a turdine? That like a sardine?
Sorry, Mr. Van Sant. We'll get it right next time, I reckon.
Remind me again why I hired you hayseed fucks?

 

by gabe_billings
12-05-01
"So I sa..."
Ha, ha!
You fucked that one, fer sure.
Sorry. I'm a little jumpy. Shouldn't a had that second latte.
Say, boss, these saddles sure are gettin' heavy. Maybe we could sit down on 'em fer the next take?
Maybe I could cram it up your ass for the next take.

 

by gabe_billings
12-05-01
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
BRRAAAAAPPP!
You farted!
Musta been the quiche.

 

by gabe_billings
12-05-01
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
BRRAAAAAPPP!
Sorry. My bad.
Must be catching.

 

by gabe_billings
12-10-01
Check my list of Christmas cheer. What have I put down for Brad this year?
Brad was naughty, Mr. Claus. You've got him down for two used straws.
That's too good for that stupid git! Make that a barrel of camel spit!
Or pocket fuzz? Or cans of soup? A flaming bag of reindeer poop!
A two foot length of copper pipe? A basket full of moldy tripe?
Perhaps some kind of deadly snake? An anthrax-dusted chocolate cake?

 

by gabe_billings
12-24-01
Hey! DexX! I can post again! Turns out the problems I was having were on the desktop. The laptop works just fine!
Great.
Yeah, I've fallen so far behind. I'm going to have to work hard to catch up. I've got a 300 part serial comic about toast I need to make.
Terrific.
It didn't work. He found a way back in. We're gonna have to try something else.
Shit. Do we still have that burlap sack?

 

by gabe_billings
12-24-01
Hey! DexX! I can post again! Turns out the problems I was having were on the desktop. The laptop works just fine!
Great.
Yeah, I've fallen so far behind. I'm going to have to work hard to catch up. I've got a 300 part serial comic about toast I need to make.
Terrific.
It didn't work. He found a way back in. We're gonna have to try something else.
Shit. Do we still have that burlap sack?

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01
Something's fucked up with this browser.
It's probably Brad's fault.
Let's kill him.
Would that help?
It couldn't hurt.
Right-o.

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01
The stop button is my friend.
Like Velveeta.
You're odd.
It's not my fault.
No one told me eating paint chips was bad.

 

by gabe_billings
12-28-01
Sucky, sucky?
That's so comic 1000.
Bitch.
Whore.

Showing page 9.

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