All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
11-15-01
See my shiny round head? I'm a spoon!
What the?
See my shiny round head? I'm a spoon!
Oh yeah? Fork you!
I hear you're running around pretending to be a spoon. What's that all about?
Hey, I've read the nursery rhyme. I'm just wondering which dish will finally run away with me.

 

by kaufman
11-16-01
o/` Louie Louie, whoa-oh...
Me gotta go ...
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ...
Louie Louie, whoa-oh ...
Me gotta go ...
IT'S NO USE! All the Kingsmen aren't helping to reassemble Humpty. Better call on those horses!

 

by kaufman
11-16-01
Oh wow, look at the fascinating patterns his chest hair makes!
And his thighs! Those muscles ripple like fresh grain.
Never mind that! Look at the length of that schlong!
HE'S GOT CLOTHES ON! THE EMPEROR'S WEARING CLOTHES!

 

by kaufman
11-16-01
I got a Hershey Bar, a bag of candy corn, a rototiller, two Buicks, and a player to be named later.
I got a rock.
You don't want to go trick-or treating. Hang out with me in a sincere pumpkin patch and we'll wait for the Great Pumpkin.
Is that what you kids call it nowadays?
Here's the WWI Flying Ace and ... oh shit, my two biggest enemies, The Red Baron and the Next-Door-Cat have gotten together.

 

by kaufman
11-28-01
Wait a minute, you're not the Doctor, you're Jesus on Femoxidil!
Who?
Take off that mask, silly.
Okay! Thanks to Femoxidil I made water into wine, loaves into fishes, malfunctioning body parts into functional ones ...
And I'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids!

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Whoa, JC, that nail in your right hand looks rusty. You ought to replace it before you get a nasty case of tetanus!
Oh no, I can't get sick, I'm on a mission. Do you have anything that might hold me up here?
Well ... I do have something ... but it's straight from the Ninth Circle ...
I don't care! Just get that nail out before I get infected!
Extreme close-up of hand, 40X magnification
YOU BASTARD!
It looks like you're trying to make a fist. Would you like me to help?

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Hello, baby Jesus. I have come from afar to bring you the gift of cold.
I bring you spanklingessence.
And I bring you Mir.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
You're back! Everything will be all right now.
But even though I was away, I was never really away. You see, there's a little bit of me in everyone - in you ...
And you ...
And especially in you!

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
There, my dear, am I the best cunnilinguist around or what?
Oh yes, that was wonderful, but ...
My maternal clock is ticking.
Fucking Timex.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
The fish was tainted, the pilots are all poisoned, and no one is flying this plane.
So we're going to crash.
We could be saved if someone with a little flying experience had the BALLS to take this jet down.
Surely you don't expect me to take the controls of this beast.
That's exactly what I mean, pipsqueak, and don't call me Surly!

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
An orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Two Asian girls and an orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Three pink donkeys,
two Asian girls,
and an orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys,
moh.
moh.
two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
moh.
moh.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys,
two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Six pedants correcting, five wirthling heads,
That's "sixth."
That's "sixth."
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys,
That's "sixth."
That's "sixth."
two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
That's "sixth."
That's "sixth."

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
WTF?

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Eight eyes a-glowing, seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Nine nails a-rusting, eight eyes a-glowing, seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
Frankly, guys, I think I have it better than you do.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Ten moms a-laying, nine nails a-rusting, eight eyes a-glowing, seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
And they were all good, except yours.

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Eleven painful cornholings, ten moms a-laying, nine nails a-rusting, eight eyes a-glowing, seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!!!
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU TWICE!!!
five wirthling heads,
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU TWICE!!!
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU TWICE!!!
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU TWICE!!!
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU TWICE!!!

 

by kaufman
11-29-01
Twelve tentacles sucking, eleven painful cornholings, ten moms a-laying, nine nails a-rusting, eight eyes a-glowing, seven turbines generating, six pedants correcting,
five wirthling heads,
four mohing skulls, three pink donkeys, two Asian girls, and an orange and white kitty.

 

by kaufman
11-30-01
Off the coast of Greece
there lies a volcanic island
known as Santarini.
That's SantOrini!

 

by kaufman
11-30-01
It looks like it's looking like it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

 

by kaufman
11-30-01
If put in water, I'll dissolve.
Pull my string and I talk physics, not cattle-roping.
I have no back half.
LUXURY! My makers obviously believed in quitting while you're a head.
Welcome to Windows 3.1
Hooray! I've made it to the Island of Misfit Toys!

 

by kaufman
11-30-01
Spankling goes back in time to kill Jesus before he can destroy the world.
Hand over that baby!
But little does he realize that his time machine is miscalibrated by 12 centuries and a few hundred miles.
Mission accomplished!
Fool! You killed the wrong baby! Now go back and get it right!
This sequence, repeated over and over, becomes known in Egypt as the Plague of the First-Born.
Hand over that baby!

 

by kaufman
11-30-01
Spankling, I like your style. How'd you like to work for the Forces of Good?
I'm listening to your offer ...
Suer enough, he's now on God's team.
Angel of Death. A big promotion, and I get these cool duds!
* urp! *
And what does Evil get out of this?
I'll give you Pat Robertson and 45,000 lawyers to be named later.
You've got a deal.

 

by kaufman
12-01-01
Sometime in 1966
Did you hear what those long-haired pinko-fag English Beatle hippies said?
No, what?
That Lenin guy said the Beatles were bigger than Jesus!
Jesus? Whew!
What are you so relieved about?
I thought you were gonna say he said they were bigger than Spankling!

 

by kaufman
12-02-01
Dave, long time no see!
What's up, Stick?
I've been reading.
You? Reading? Ok, I'll bite, what have you been reading?
"For a good time, call Marsha. 673-4095.
Ha ha ... uh, what was that number?

 

by kaufman
12-02-01
Hello?
Hello, is, uh, Marsha there?
She can't talk right now. She's got my dick in her mouth.
*click*
I LOVE wrong numbers.

 

by kaufman
12-02-01
So she gives head to other guys. That doesn't mean she won't show me a little fellowship ... I'll try her again.
Hello, is this Marsha? My name's Dave; how'd you like to have dinner with me?
Oh, sure? Where shall we go?
Uh, how about McDonalds?
Can we go somewhere else? I hate Scottish food.

 

by kaufman
12-02-01
You're ...
... Marsha?
Uh huh.
Short for "Martian," if you must know.

 

by kaufman
12-02-01
What may I bring you tonight?
I'll have the kung pao chicken.
And I'd like the moo shu Arean sandworms.
But ...
It's true. They landed on Mars 15 years ago, but your government's been denying and blacking it out ever since.

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
My meal is too cold. I'm going to send it back for reheating.
Don't bother. I can take care of that.
Whoa, is that like some sort of portable microwave?
Even better. See that guy smoking over there? Watch what I can do to his fork.

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
My fortune cookie says, "Keep your feet on the ground and reach for the stars."
Mine says, "It is a big man who has little fear."
Wait, here's another. "Earn thousands of dollars working from your own home ..."
Dammit, I HATE pop-up ads!

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
Shall we go to a movie now?
Sure, there's a place down the street that specializes in old science fiction films.
Really, what's playing there?
"Mars Needs Women."
It does? I was afraid of that. Gotta go!
Hey, mind if I tag along?

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
Now whatever you do, don't hit that button I'm pointing at.
Don't worry, I won't touch a thing.
Oh, and hang on, the acceleration can be ...
Oooof!
... rough. You didn't hit it, did you?
Hello. It looks like you have requested my assistance in interplanetary travel. Would you like help?

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
You hit your head pretty badly. Are you going to be ok?
I think so, though I feel like I have a bump the size of Iowa. I'll make some phrenologist back on Earth VERY happy.
Pardon the interruption, but Brad and I just wanted to let you know that this is the first ever use of "phrenologist" in a stripcreator comic.
This will send the Google hits off the charts. Please send money to support us. Now, back to our story.
... Two on Uranus and one on Pluto!
Ha ha ha ha, stop that! It hurts my head when I laugh.

 

by kaufman
12-03-01
Norwegian Laughing Sickness is no laughing matter.
Gunnar, I picked up some herring at the market today.
That's wonderful, Helga. And the newspaper says the sun will set at 11:38 tonight.
It can strike at any time.
Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Snkktt... hee hee hee! wahahahahaha!
When untreated, it can become fatal.
moh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
moh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
So this is Mars, huh? Where are all the canals?
Oh, they all flew south for the winter.
Yeah, right. No, where are they really?
If you must know, the canals are just a figment of earthlings' imagination built upon poor scopes and the sight of their own optic capillaries. Just like Mars can't sustain life. I don't even exist!
On the other hand, I guess they did head south after all. You say they flew?
Of course! Even on a planet this small, it's still too far to walk.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
Let me show you some of our planet's fauna. These guys are popular housepets.
And these odd creatures are some of our upials. Peculiar beasts, if you ask me.
Yeah, actually, we have some of them on Earth too.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
Well, we ought to be heading back to Earth now. I have to be up early tomorrow. Let's hop into the saucer.
Thanks for showing me around.
We interrupt this story for a special report. An outbreak of Norwegian Laughing Sickness has ha-ha-ha-ha whohohohohee whoowee back to hahaha our regularly scheduwuwuwuwu...
Ugh! Rough landing.
Bah, don't worry about the monument. They use a breakaway joint. This happens all the time.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
It's been fun. I'll see you around.
Before we retire, how would you like to get balled?
Are you kidding? Look at me! Not a hair. But I bet you'd like it if I blue you.
YEAH!
You knew this was coming.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
Dave headed out to Las Vegas and now performs in the touring company of Blue Man Group.
Marsha completed her Master's in Crop Geometry, and now owns a bed & breakfast in Roswell, New Mexico.
The Waitress ran off with her brother's girlfriend, and they opened Mr. Lambda's Golden Paradise restaurant in central Wisconsin.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
On the fifth day of Christmas, Bill Gates gave to me: Five Blue Death Screens!
64K workspace, Free MSN,
Two virii a week,
And a sniffer snooping my new XP.
THAT DOES IT! Listen carefully, I want you to bundle MY carols with all this year's presents.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
One and two and what the fuck are you waiting for?

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
One day at the ranch ...
So I said, "Hey cook, why don't you drop some of this orange sunshine in that vat of beans."
Ha ha!
Whoa, this is some good shit you got here.

 

by kaufman
12-04-01
One day at the ranch ...
So I said these rooted tubers ain't gonna generate glucose by themselves.
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
What the fuck are you talking about?
A rotor turbine is a device for generating electricity from some natural source such as wind or water.
A graviton is a hypothesized subatomic particle whose presence imparts a quantity of gravitational attraction. So of course them rotor turbines ain't generating no gravitons by themselves!

 

by kaufman
12-05-01
One day in the pasture...
So I says, "Well, them rotting turnips ain't gonna generate maggots by themselves."
Ha, Ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

Showing page 9.

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