All comics by Kevin_Keegans_Perm

 

Pavil. Will you PLEASE just stay the fuck away from Planetarion. Youre just shit and i hate you
Messiah. No. Fuck you. I am Pavil. Hear me roar.
If i can just guide him to something else to focus his hatred on.
Fuck you , and Spinner , and Zoos .
I hear Mer has started posting on the Empirequest forums
WHA? WHERE? I SHALL HUNT DOWN THE BITCH AND KILL HER!

 

Heh. No sign of Spinner. I can finally get round to making those "changes" ive always wanted to.
Hmm. A reasonable roid cap , balanced ships , a workable database system ..and ill password it all so he cant tweak it
On second thoughts. If i do that , PA will be playable. Id much prefer to fuck people around for another 6 months.

 

JENNY! LOOK AT ME , IM AT UNIVERSITY NOW . IM AS SMART AS YOU!
Oh Great. Just what i need , him developing a sense of self importance.
Im going to get a degree , and a great job , and my uni is just as good as yours.
Nod , youre at Strathclyde. Im at Oxford. Im 3 years into a degree course. You havent even done freshers week.
Im going to be a doctor , or a scientist , or a programmer .or , or , or , or.
Hes going to end up selling Burgers .....*sigh*

 

Pay to Play is coming along nicely
IVE DONE IT. I have created the "Perfect" Beta. The roidcaps work , the servers are stable , and the ships are balanced. And its all working
Brilliant Oreo. I knew i could leave it in your capable hands. Congratulations
Spinner congratulates Oreo
Its perfect. We should get results in the next few days , and Pay to Play is right on Schedule. I even left experienced players in charge ...
Brilliant .... I anticipate this will be the best thing thats ever happened to planetarion. What could possibly go wrong
24 hours Later .
Hello , Spinner? ...Yeh , erm , Pay 2 Play might be delayed a little while. One of the admins replaced all the code with a bucket of dogshit.

 

Forest. Im thinking about Retiring from PA life , and returning to lead a normal , fish based North Eastern existence
Messiah. Maybe Youre right. Perhaps its time you stopped doing all this work unpaid for no reward , not even a thank you.
I mean , Zeus shat on me from a great height this week for doing my job but going to Spinner instead of him.
You mean Zeus is playing office politics to protect his position.
Thats what it seems like.
Damn. I never credited him with that much intelligence.

 

Messiah Develops a Backbone
Zeus , ive been thinking. I want to resign from being a board mod. Im sick of the job , and youre a shit boss.
Resign? From Planetarion , the greatest game EVER? Of course not , dont be ridiculous.
Zeus spells out the situation.
Zeus , ive made up my mind , its not like you pay me , or im under contract. I can leave when i want.
Dont be ridiculous Citizen Messiah. We have your home address , phone number , National Inurance no. Youre going nowhere
Messiah Loses
You dont scare me , that means nothing unless , oh god no , not that....
Yes. We will give those details to Pavil if you leave.

 

You know , we here in Legion are always looking for new talent , and im sure that youre more than capable of filling the job we have for you.
Like , wow. I get to join legion? I mean , ive always wanted that , since i left WaC in round 2.
Yes , well , we want you to head up a wing of our junior alliance VeA. We think youre the man for the job.
hey , wait a minute , exactly what job are you wanting me to do here.
Well , to be precise , we want you to suicide your fleet on Fury planets when we come under attack
Oh , i did that for the whole of Round 3 in Sedition. Im your man for that job.

 

Like , Wow , i mean, im a Vice Admiral now. I have super admin powers , and people are starting to respect me again. And like , my hair is free of split ends.
ROAR! I AM PAVIL , SCOURGE OF THE BOARDS. SEX ON LEGS AND A PA PUSSY MAGNET!
Oh man , what a bummer , hes back
Like , do you actually believe any of that?
I just say it to get Chicks. Then i ended up being stalked by Sky , and realised it wasnt such a good idea.

 

L
Ive been informed by the judges that doing the entire words to the WEEEEEEEE movie will get me disqualified.
This got old sometime around the second coming of All Your Base
o
Shiggity Shiggity Shwa?
LOL. ROFL. KTHXPLDBYE. STFU HOMOFAG!
L
And in closing , id just like to remind you all not to ever enter these contests. \o/
LOL. ROMEO AND JULIET IN L33TSP34K. PLDYUO CHRIS COUTTS

 

Hi , and welcome to "The Cthulu Comedy Club". Tonights guest performer , Jesus.
GET ME DOWN OFF THIS FUCKING CROSS!
Heh. Whatta kidder , so , Jesus , tonight , youre going to be doing some tap dancing for us , right?
You nailed me to a cross. How the hell do you expect me to do any tap dancing.
You could always perform a miracle *snigger*
Lord , why have you forsaken me.

 

RAR! I AM TOBOR. I CORNHOLE YOU!
Thats very good Tobor. Now , registration will be in hall d6 at 1000 hours exactly. Dont be late.
ROAR. FEAR TOBOR. BUTTER ANAL GOODNESS RAR!
Gosh. Thats inventive. What was your grade point average again?
One anal reaming later
RAR. ANAL BUTTER REAMING GOOD.
KILL YOU I WILL. REAM ME YOU WILL NOT!

 

Andy is called into the office.
Andy. Ive been reading your reviews lately. Dont you think youre being a little harsh on Russell Crowe sometimes?
Boss , i cant just praise him because he won an oscar by showing off his pecs and saying as little as possible.
Look. We want to run a contest giving away cinema tickets for a year , but no cinema chain will touch us because of your reviews.
Look. Im a journalist. I have my integrity. I wont compromise for anyone , especially not when im right.
"Russell Crowe is more wooden than the entire contents of a B&Q Warehouse. Do not use firelighters near this man"
Yeh. And that was just describing his performance when he split up Tom and Nicole.

 

Im on drugs , im fucked , im nobody.
Im on drugs , im fucked , im somebody.
Im on drugs , im fucked , im dead.

 

You know. Life was a lot simpler back when i was at college. We had drugs , we did drugs , the teachers did drugs
So , what , youre saying that kids today should do more drugs to get them through college?
Basically , yeh. If kids were more stoned , theyd be more relaxed , and they could learn more easily.
I hear some stoned kid wandered into the wrong dorm and got anally reamed last night.
Man , that was one PHAT Doobie. Being Kappa Pi Lambda rocks.
Another Kappa Pi Lambda. I knew selling the good shit to those guys would get me some Cornhole.

 

Andy Dougan Meets Russell Crowe
Mr Dougan. Ive had about enough of your criticisms of my acting performances. I did LA Confidential and The Insider , and i won an Oscar. I deserve your respect
With all due respect Russell , you did Proof of Life as well.
Crowe hits the lights
Ive had enough of this. Im going to fix you and your bloody reviews once and for all .
Wha? Whats going on. Come on then Crowe. I can take you. Im from Glasgow. I can take anyone.
And reveals his masterplan.
RAAR! CORNHOLE REAMING TIME!!!!!
Oh sweet Jesus , im a dead man.

 

Skagg finds a way to fund his habit
Watch yer motor Mister?
Watch it for what reason exactly?
In case it gets damaged while youre in the Stadium watching the big match
So if i dont pay , youll vandalise my car , and ill never prove it was you?
Basically thats the deal.
Heres £50 and my card. I could do with someone like you to sell our pension schemes.

 

Im too sexy for my shirt , too sexy for my shirt , so sexy it hurts
Why do i Always have to be the one with the guitar that never says anything
And im too sexy for my love , too sexy for my love , loves going to leave me.
I mean , hes my brother for chrissakes. Youd think hed let me sing once in a while.
And im , too sexy for this song.
RIGHT!

 

The (un)Usual Suspects
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled , was convincing the world that Crack was FUN!
Forrest Gulp
Life is like a box of chocolates , but who ever gives you shit flavoured chocolates?
The Tobornator.
WHAT IS THAT THING?
Its A Cyberdyne model t-800. It doesnt feel pain , it doesnt need to eat , and it absoloutely WILL NOT STOP until it has cornholed you.

 

*gulp*
What the fuck?
DID YOU JUST PISS IN THE WATER?

 

10 Perms
A Little Money
_________ In Kauf We Trust_________
A Perm
And a Pussy
10 Perms
Perfect.

 
I fucking hate these Octopuses.

 

Thats right , just a little further , oh yes , right there , oh god yes
OHHHHHHHHHHH TOBOR!
Oh shit.
TOBOR?

 

Bank of WTC
2 World Trade Towers
Oops , Better make that none.

 

We here at Stripcreator.com would like to utterly refute the allegations made by Kevin Keegans Perm towards the current employment of Attitude Chicka.
At no point has it ever been intimated , or defined , that she is *ooh* anything other than a fine employee of Walmart. We stand *ahh* fully behind her in this debate.
And at no point has she been paid for the service she is currently *AHHHH* performing for this website.
I better at least get a custom rank out of this.

 
I am a Motherfucking Psychoholic.

 

Dude , i have got a Serious issue with my Girlfriend here.
What. Shes good looking , good job , great ass. Everything you could want.
She says shes going to give me a deep throat tonight. Shes been practicing on bottles.
How is that a problem? I mean , the neck of a beer bottle has similar width , if not length
Dude , shes practising on wine bottles , and swallowing them whole.
Damn. Even Spankling cant do that.

 
Fuck you Tobor.

 

Captain. We have defeated the Y'Njirb's with our new PTC Cannon
PTC Cannon's Are great. Why did we call it that again?
Its a Photonic Tobor Cornholing cannon captain ........wait , were picking up a distress signal from one of their ships .....audio only sir
put it on speakers. maximum volume
*bzzt*crackle*all.....your.......base.......are...
It sounds like some ancient dialect .... run it through translation

 

Ah HA! Another forum for me to gain control over and continue my plans for world domination
Hello. My Name is Daisy. Have you seen my mommy?
World domination can wait.
Why are you looking at me like that sir?

 

*tum*te*tum*
Erm , what are you doing there?.
Oh , nothing , im just boning up on my reading.
Dude , you have your penis inside a copy of 'Twinkle'
And whats so odd about that?
Im still reading it for a start.

 

Maura , i cant deny my feelings for you any longer. I want you to stop being so by the book and take me now.
X'yxx , youre a Grzbotian. You dont even have any sexual organs.
yes , but i can morph into any form you want. And i would do ANYTHING you want .
Anything? Hmmmmmmmmm

 

Maura , i cant deny my feelings for you any longer. I want you to stop being so by the book and take me now.
X'yxx , youre a Grzbotian. You dont even have any sexual organs.
yes , but i can morph into any form you want. And i would do ANYTHING you want .
Anything? Hmmmmmmmmm

 

Hmmmm. Apparently ive been called up for military service. I get to to and kick some Afghan butt.
Erm , is that a good thing? I mean , i heard recent defence cuts might mean youre going in almost unarmed.
Nope. It says here that ill be assigned to Fort Smokinghusk , on the Border of Uzbekistan and Afghanistan.
Hmm . That doesnt sound so bad. Does it say anything else?
Ahhh. It asks if i can bring along a warm jacket and some cocoa , as those nights out there are apparently quite cold.
Ahhh. So the cutbacks were in the intelligence budget then.

 

Y'Know. All this time , i thought i was someone unique. Someone special. And i believed my reviews meant something.
Today , i heard that circulation has fallen , and nobody reads my reviews anymore. I even hear Russell Crowe doesnt care what i say anymore
That said , at least i dont have to watch "Taxi for Cowan" , or meet Joan Burnie on a daily basis.

 

You realise , that , beneath this smooth , good looking exterior , theres a whole different person?
Yeh , like what , youre some deep, thoughtful , spiritual "higher Being"
Actually , im personal friends with the devil himself. I am the root of all evil.
Seriously? You realise thats actually very scary , and i should be quaking right now?
but you can call me "Cookie"
But as expected , theres a get out clause.

 
Dammit Osama. You said they wouldnt do that.
Hey , what can i say . I fucked up.

 

My name is Helmut Bumpsadaisy.Have you ever met Anne ,my daughter.
I sense where this is going.
Or perhaps my Brother , Hans , who is very fond of his niece , Anne.
I swear , ill never ask for a contrived comic contest again.
In fact , she is Hans Niece Anne Bumpsadaisy.
Must .......block......out........punchline.......from.......memory.

 

Honey bunny , you realise that , everyone nowadays picks the wrong places to rob. This little restaurant is the perfect target.
Yeh , but were doing these robberires wrongly. We need to work on our delivery REALLY scare the customers.
What do you mean Honey Bunny
Well , i thought just for once , we could say something really scary to people instead of just threatening to kill them
ALRIGHT , THIS IS A ROBBERY. EVERYONE LAY DOWN ON THE GROUND AND I WONT FART IN THEIR GENERAL DIRECTION
ANYONE OF YOU FUCKING PRICKS MOVE , AND ILL SHOVE A DEAD PARROT UP YOUR SEMPRINI!

 

We go now exclusively LIVE to Little Asian Girl , our reporter in Kabul
Im here in the Khyber Pass. Following up reports that the US has deployed a top secret weapon to destroy Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda network.
In fact , i can see the weapon being deployed now. My god. That things could cause devastation if let loose in a populated area.
*we have to be very quiet in case we distract it from its mission*
RARR!. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE BIN LADEN!

 

Today , you will all be telling the class about your favourite tree. Lets start with you David
Well , i like the oak. Its big and strong , and stands for ages and ages and ages.
Very good. Now , Elizabeth , you can tell us next.
I like the pine tree. It has bristles , its long , thin , flexible .....
Yes , tjhats quite enough of that. How about you Johnny?
Hmmmmm..................... YEW ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TO ME!

 

8pm
8am
8pm
Yes , thats right. Id like to card to say "Fuck you Barry".

 

Dear KKP. Please will you keep your comics within the boundaries of taste and decency. That last one about the WTC was beyond the pale.
And stop annoying members of the forums. Theyre sensitive , thoughtful people , and you upset them greatly.
Hello , Police? Yes , im still getting these threatening letters. What? No , i checked , theres no sign of any white powder.

 

Ok man. We have an agreement on the price. Now lets test the quality of the merchandise.
There ya go. Grade A , primo stuff. The best that money can buy.
FARRRRRRR OUT man. This stuff is amazing. What are you cutting it with ?
uhhhhhhhh
Anthrax.

 

Id like to take this opportunity to tell the world that I , Alephnull , do not have a small penis.
Hmmm. But youre looking a tad shrivelled in the boxers there Aleph.
What? how dare you. I have a massive packet. Women scream my name on a regular basis.
I have an affidavit here that says they scream "Youve broken the restraining order again. Stop stalking me you pindicked moron"
Erm , well , shes lying. It was cold that day.
oooh , did you REALLY have to give them magnifying glasses when asked to show it in court?

 

So i said to Obijo "Those US Miltary based stripcreator cartoon arent going to write themselves"
Ha ha Ha ha ha
Wirthling , what the fuck are you talking about.

 

Right. Lets See. Now , if the pointy haired boss doesnt give me another assignment , i might just be able to crack this Afghan communications satellite.
Just a line of code here , and a quick piece of hacking here ....Voila!
Maura , why does my hotmail account have 6400 emails for OsamaBinLaden@Hotmail.com ?
Would you like me to show you how to use the "Junk Mail Filter" sir?

 

So , the ACLU is going to defend my right to free speech as long as what i say isnt against the constitution.
Of course man. Theyre the defenders of free speech in the US.
I want to have a banner above my door that says "Gabe Billings fucks donkeys and eats shit"
Sounds a bit defamatory , but im sure with a little tweaking , we could get that passed.
Oh , and i want to say its wrong to bomb Afghanistan
What are you , fucking CRAZY?

 

Tobor , youre under arrest. Put your hands against the wall and spread your legs.
But , but ...what is Tobor charged with?
We found two men bleeding from the anus in a state of near unconciousness last night.
Tobor not the ONLY person who Cornholes.
You fitted the description given to us. Clearly it was a drive by Cornholing.
Tobor think he have to hire Johnnie Cochrane for this one.

 

Tobor has been jailed for a drive by cornholing. Tobor must find the real culprit.
Hello big boy , im Spankling , your new cellmate. My what a big instrument you have there.
Tobor wonder where to start his investigations.
You know Tobor , theres something about big red robots that drives me wild.
Tobor thinks investigations will have to wait a few minutes.
oooh , and no lubricant. You think of EVERYTHING.

 

Tobor hires Johnnie Cochrane for the Defence
Tobor cannot begin investigations until he gets out of prison.
Listen Tobor. Im telling you baby. This is the BEST defence youve got.
Tobor not sure this will work.
Trust me Tobor Baby. This one NEVER fails.
Ladies and Gentlemen , i put it to you , my client is only here because he is BLACK!
*sigh* Tobor is going down.

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