All comics by andydougan

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by andydougan
3-06-01
Hey, do you want to play the biscuit game?
How do you play?
We both wank, aiming our cocks at the biscuit. Last to come eats the biscuit.
Sounds fun....
Later...
Ahh...
How was I supposed to know he'd prematurely ejaculate over a whole packet of digestives. I've never eaten so many digestives covered in cum since the time my dad made dinner.

 

by andydougan
3-06-01
Hey little girl - want to play the biscuit game?
How do you play?
What I do is I wank in your mouth while eating digestives. And you drink my cum.
Uh... What's cum?
Open your mouth and find out... Mmm, digestives.
*Gag*

 

by andydougan
3-06-01
Hey Jesus, want to play the biscuit game?
Yeah, sure.
What we do is we both wank, aiming our cocks at a biscuit and the last one to cum eats the biscuit.
Hmm.. Okay, though I don't know how my dad will feel about this.
Later...
Ahh...
Fuck. I forgot I can't reach my dick. *gag*

 

by andydougan
3-06-01
Hey, want to play the biscuit game?
How do you play?
We both point our cocks at at biscuit and wank. Last to cum eats the biscuit.
I'm American so don't understand what wank means, but, okay.
Later...
Ahh...
What is this white gelatinous substance?? *gag*

 

by andydougan
3-08-01
What's up with you? You look drained.
I just took part in an all-night biscuit game marathon. Thirty games in six hours.
*gag*

 

by andydougan
3-08-01
Want to play the biscuit game?
Sure.

 

by andydougan
3-08-01
There! That oughta teach you to go around saying you're the son of God!
I hate to tell you this...
But I actually AM the son of God. You're going to go to Hell unless you hammer a nail into your own forehead.
What a spaz.

 

by andydougan
3-13-01
Jesus discovers the true horrors of crucifixion.
Hngh, mustn't piss my loincloth...
Ahhhhh.
Ha ha, you pissed yerself!
Shit.

 

by andydougan
3-14-01
Spain, 1942
Oh, Father Abraham. This is the happiest day of my life. Today my son begins his studies to become a priest.
Yes, Mrs Rivera. You have prepared him well for this great calling.
No, mama...NO! I don't want to go...take me home, mama, please!
Alberto, stop that! You must come...you must!
Brother Alberto, your relatives are here to take you home. Your mother is dying.
WHAT, FATHER? ...(gasp) OH, NO! No, father!...I'm NOT going back home!! THIS is my house! THIS is my family! The CHURCH is my mother!

 

by andydougan
3-14-01
Did you ever notice that the strip creator seems to accept HTML? Look...
Don't try this at home, kids.
Dairy produce!
d00d! u r 31337 haX0r!
I just hope no-one posts pictures from goatse.cx or anything.

 

by andydougan
3-15-01
The Odeon, Govan
Hi. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times". I'd like a ticket for "Proof of Life", please.
To be honest with you, I'd give that one a miss.
What do you mean?
It's crap. You can tell the Evening Times you went to see it when you actually didn't, thereby saving you time and money.
Great idea! Ha ha! I'm off down the pub, then.
Ha! I'm an undercover Evening Times operative. You're fuckin' NICKED, me old beauty!

 

by andydougan
3-15-01
Hi. I'm Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times". I'd like to interview you about your latest "film", Mr Crowe.
Well, it's called "Proof of Life". I play this muscly guy who furrows his brow a lot.
That's quite a change of direction for you. Next you'll be telling me you fancy yourself or something.
Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play the biscuit game by myself.

 

by andydougan
3-15-01
Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times", is at the cinema.
Hoi, you! Get off your crucifix. I can't see the screen.
Crumbs! It's Jesus himself! I've done it now!
Centuries later...
And now, yet another screening of "Proof of Life"!

 

by andydougan
4-17-01
had
I'm here with legendary director, Stanley Kubrick.
yer
So, Stan, what gave you the inspiration for "Eyes Wide Shut"?
Well, I liked the idea of people having sex a lot.
maw
Somebody set us up the bomb.
What you say!

 

by andydougan
4-20-01
Andy Dougan is on the run from the law after reviewing films he hadn't actually seen.
Phew! I think I gave them the slip.
Confound it! It's the pigs! I'm cornered!
Later, in court...
Under an Act of Parliament passed in 1742 which has never been revoked, pretending to have seen films is punishable by death in Govan. TAKE HIM DOWN!!!

 

by andydougan
4-20-01
Andy Dougan, world-famous film critic, is on death row.
I kidnapped children, leaving their heads on their families' doorsteps, buggered my mother to death, and masterminded a nuclear holocaust in which untold millions perished. What are you in for?
I pretended to have seen films I hadn't.
Hey! I want a new cell! This guy's some kind of a sicko!

 

by andydougan
4-20-01
Andy Dougan, film critic, and Lucifer Jones, evil mass murderer, are on death row.
I have an ingenious escape plan. Observe.
Hey, guard, did you know that hammering nails into your head produces cheap sexual excitement?
Gurgle...all getting blurry...
He bought it! C'mon, Andy, we're outta here!

 

by andydougan
4-20-01
Andy Dougan, film critic, and Lucifer Jones, evil sadist, have escaped jail.
Free! Free to commit acts of unspeakable depravity once again!
Want to play the biscuit game?
Yeah, okay.

 

by andydougan
4-22-01
You are no match for my Hokuto Shin Ken!
Agh!

 

by andydougan
4-22-01
In a post-apocalyptic future, grotesquely muscled thugs slaughter one another for no apparent reason.
Kenshiro! You've become successor to Hokuto Shin Ken, but you're no match for the Nanto Sei Ken style!
Shin! Have you forgotten the code? North and South shall not fight!
I've ignored that crap a long time ago! Nanto Hellkill Fist!

 

by andydougan
5-01-01
The Scheme, Dennistoun:
Ah fight fur Young Partick Cross.
Well, AH fight fur the Duke Street Firm! You pure harbour romantic intentions towards members of your own gender.
Cunt! Gettin it! Behold my sword!
Boot yer fanny in!
Hokuto surrounding exercise!

 

by andydougan
5-01-01
Andy Dougan's first (but by no means last) encounter with the effervescent energy drink...
What's that you're drinking?
Red Bull. They say it gives you wings. Wanna try some?
OK. *glug*
You pissed in that, didn't you?
No.

 

by andydougan
5-01-01
*whistle* Don't know much about hist-ory... (yeah)
Don't know much bi-o-logy...
Hi, I'm from the KKK. We've come to burn your cross.
I hate it when this happens.

 

by andydougan
5-03-01
Andy Dougan, film critic with "The Evening Times", is at the cinema.
Today I'm reviewing "Exit Wounds", an action thriller starring Steven the Seagull.
I, Steven the Seagull, am too old and rickety to fight properly, so I'll rely on the editing people to make it look like I'm actually moving.
Legendary Thrust Split Wave! Hyaah!
The Crowe household
Ach! Jakes! They've stolen the coveted title of "Worst Film of the Year" from under my nose!

 

by andydougan
5-08-01
Outside Queen Street Station
Yyyyyvnn Tiiiiiiimz
Get yer Yyyyyvnn Tiiiiiiimz
Hi, I'd like an Evening Times.
What's an Evening Times?

 

by andydougan
5-09-01
In a post-apocalyptic future, the most grotesquely muscled thugs of all prepare to slaughter one another for no apparent reason.
Ha ha! Kenshiro! My fists are invincible! With these, I will destroy the 2000-year history of Hokuto, forever!
STOP! Stop now… Please stop fighting. Please don't suffer yourselves any further...
Fuck you sayin'? Hokuto nil-thought reincarnation!
Why do I bother?

 

by andydougan
5-10-01
Rome, 180 AD
If you find yourself alone fighting in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium, and you're already dead!
Hoi! That's mah patter! Hokuto Horrible Strange Snap Violence!
This is probably getting a bit old.

 

by andydougan
5-10-01
Hokuto Sympathy Fist!
d00d! This r0x0rz!
Ach.

 

by andydougan
5-15-01
The Canyon of the Crescent Moon, 1938
Let me choose the Grail. Here, try this'n.
Ah! This certainly is the cup of the king of kings! Slurp!
Argh! On second thoughts, maybe not.
Red Bull?
Red Bull.

 

by andydougan
5-15-01
I say, I say, I say, why did Indiana Jones always hog the ball when he played football?
Er, I don't know. Why *did* Indiana Jones always hog the ball when he played football?
Cos only a penitent man will pass! Ho ho!
Kill me.

 

by andydougan
5-18-01
The first rule of Fight Club is "You do not talk ab...
Shut up. There are too many strips like this. Think of something different.
Nanto Soaring White Loveliness!

 

by andydougan
5-18-01
Andy Dougan, film critic, emerges from the cinema after watching the Indiana Jones Trilogy
Urgh...can hardly see...
What wimps you young 'uns are. I sat through a Sad Trek marathon once. Twenty-six hours. You don't know you're born.
He's right. I'm just spoiled.
letmedieletmedieletm

 

by andydougan
5-18-01
Always look on the broight soide of loife! De do, do doodlede do de do!
Sigh...
Aaaaaaay, you've got a stauner! Poof!

 

by andydougan
5-18-01
The Odeon, Govan
A ticket for "Spy Kids", please.
Chortle. Okay, here you go. Try not to have too much fun.
Look, I'm a film critic! It's my job to see it!
Right. That's what they all say.

 

by andydougan
5-19-01
Mmmmilky!

 

by andydougan
5-19-01
Uh-oh. With a title like that, the pressure is really on. Any ideas, Russell?
None. We'll probably have to make do with "all your bases", the biscuit game, or that wee girl that does Hokuto moves. Again.
Well, we've reached the last panel and nothing's happened. How crap.
Hm. I seem to have turned into a dog on a ball.

 

by andydougan
5-19-01
Hey, Jesus, I was just wondering, what was the point of you getting crucified?
To redeem earthly sin so that man may go to Heaven.
But surely God could've just waved his hand and made that happen.
Well, no, because...er, well, you see...um...
Hey, wait a minute! He's right! What's the big idea, dad?
Hee hee.

 

by andydougan
5-19-01
Welcome to Hell. You may choose from the following fates: getting your eyeballs worn away with steel wool, watching "Proof of Life", or listening to Geri Halliwell's version of "It's Raining Men".
The steel wool is awfully popular lately.

 

by andydougan
5-19-01
This is a big long narrative caption which exists only to make the final panel a bit taller. It looks pretty shoddy, but who cares. Not me, that's for sure. Don't know much about the French I took. De
This is your pilot speaking. We're experiencing some turbulence. Please remain in y...
Shit.
Microsoft Autopilot?
Microsoft Autopilot.

 

by andydougan
5-20-01
Word is RaRaRasputin has started making comics. May as well take a look at them.
Hmm...I'm pretty sure there's no such move as Hokuto Exploding Partridge Circle Fury.
Ho ho! He watches Neighbours!

 

by andydougan
5-20-01
Yawn. Not much talent here.
Wow! I take that back! I'm in love!
Hey, baby, are you from Tennessee? Cos you're the only ten *I* see!

 

by andydougan
5-21-01
Boyakasha! Andy Dougan here with a special one off strip where I answer your fan mail! In my special letter sack, I have, uh, one letter. It's written in crayon.
"Dear Andydougan - Your strips haven't been funny since that Stanley Kubrick one. Is it possible for you to make a new strip that isn't just the same Fist of the North Star Joke?"
In response - Shut up. It's not the same joke, it's clever, self referential humour, like Kevin Smith, or something.
Hokuto Zankai Ken!

 

by andydougan
5-23-01
One ticket for "Captain Correlli's Mandolin", please.
Meanwhile...in a grotesquely muscled future, post-apocalyptic thugs perform implausible martial arts manoeuvres on one another.
Hokuto biscuit game transdimensional soggy biscuit teleportation!
There you are, sir.
Hmm, I've got a really bad taste in my mouth all of a sudden. Maybe I shouldn't drink so much Red Bull.

 

by andydougan
5-24-01
RE...
Ah! To eat lunch on a bench outside a Bettys home!
...CEPT...
Piiiiigs!
Ho ho, watch me pour strawberry milk all over the bench for some hapless old George to sit on!
...ION
Join the army, you young whipper-snappers! And get a hair-cut!

 

by andydougan
5-31-01
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a woman's man! No time to talk.
Er, that's interesting.
'hanksh!
I take it this strip just got made because the author is supposed to be studying for exams.
It's Algorithmic Foundations. You can hardly blame him.

 

by andydougan
6-07-01
Start writing now!
Whuh? Huh? I don't remember any of this stuff! Nietzsche's Will to Power?! What in tarnation is that supposed to be???
I've spent an hour on this and I'm still on the logic section!!! I'd better skip it and come back to it at the end!!!!!
Stop writing now! Remember, you've got to get a C or better or you're fucked! Nyeh heh!
Uhhhhh...and I've still got DSA and SDI tomorrow. This would be funny if it was happening to someone else.

 

by andydougan
6-08-01
NO MORE EXAMS! AH HA! AH HA HA HA!

 

by andydougan
6-08-01
Conservative Party Headquarters
Cough. Well, um, that could've gone worse.
...
Labour are going to have a strangehold on parliament for another five years, probably a decade. We haven't affected their vote at all. The party is in disarray. How could it be worse?
Well, we could've got in.
Oh yeah.

 

by andydougan
6-09-01
Michael Martin MP
I...am...glad...to...have... overcome...snobbery...and... sec...tar...i...an...ism... to...be...re-elected...as...Speaker. This...is...a...great... honour...fur...Springburn.
I've got nothing against you being working class or Catholic. It's just that you can't read.
Bigot!

 

by andydougan
6-09-01
Michael Ancram MP, Conservative Party chairman
Well, that's old baldie finished with. Now, should we have another holding operation, or just cut to the chase and get Portillo in?
It's not fair. We've no chance. If only I knew Blair's secret of success!
Millbank
There's got to be another way... *gag*
Shut up and swallow it all, slut!

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