All comics by edoggydog

 

by edoggydog
1-11-05
I just met a guy who is 7'4" tall, and he told me his girlfriend is only 4'11"!
Groovy!
I don't get it... He's way too tall for her! I mean, they must have a hard time kissing each other...
You mean on the lips?
She's probably too busy sticking her nose in his "business" for him to notice... Or care!

 

by edoggydog
1-11-05
Oh, sick! I just got that last joke you told me!!
Groovy!
So... when you said she's "too busy sticking her nose in his busines", did you acutally mean she..?
Yes!
Speaking of which... I'm off to the "head" shop!

 

by edoggydog
1-12-05
So...dude! I was on-line with my virtual, computer-generated girlfiend, about ready to "up-load", when the phone rang...
Groovy!
...and guess who it was that called?!
Artoo Deetoo? Robbie the Robot? Lee Majors? Who gives a rat's ass?!
Well, that certainly was uncalled for!
Man... What a loser! I think I'll go check out the "Jerry Lewis Retrospective in Mime" playing over at the Le Chen Bijou...

 

by edoggydog
1-12-05
So, I says to da bitch, "Hey...wanna play 'bury the bone'?"
Groovy
Then, just when I think we're going to do da "doggy", she takes a dump on my carpet and leaves! What does it all mean?
Did you remember to sniff her ass first?
No... (oops!) But I did lick my nuts for freshness...
Wow! I wish I could lick my nuts! I think I'll go check out those yoga classes I read about in The Daily Dali...

 

by edoggydog
1-12-05
...and then Jesus told his disciples, "Go out into the world and spread the good news."
Groovy!
I hope that I was able to answer your question...
I'm not sure... Is sex with a goat considered a sin or not?
Well, I'm not really up on that part of the scripture. Oh, look! It's the O'Flaherty boy! [pant, pant]
*Sigh* Maybe, Priest Judas knows...

 

by edoggydog
1-12-05
...so, my son, to answer your question: yes, it is a sin to have sex with a goat.
Groovy!
Say! Can you do me a BIG favor?
You name it, ol' Lord of lords!
Get me the #@%& down from here!!
I'll go get a ladder and crowbar...

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
"...so in closing, it must be stated here that I no longer feel the need to associate with a loser such as yourself. I hope you have a brain clot and die! Signed, Fuck Off."
Groovy!
This is probably the worst day of my entire life! I devoted three whole weeks of my life to that [rhymes with cunt]! Where do I go from here? Just where do I go from here?!
There's an all-day Jake Steed Film Festival playing at the Porn Palace...
Why not?! It's been a while since I cranked one off!
Note to self: make sure Stick-boy sits in front of me...

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
Groovy!
...so Pepe LePew walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! What's all the stink about?"
BOO! Get off the stage, you %#*&$ fag!!
I don't understand! That joked killed down at Le Puffs Bistro...

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
...so, in rebuttal to what Senor Cristo said about goats, it is not technically a 'sin' to fornicate with them!
Groovy!
In fact, I'm part goat myself!
Uh-oh! This can't be leading anywhere good...
You wanna see which part? (pant, pant)
Gee... Just look at the time! I'm late for taking my mother in for her monthly back shave and vaginal scraping!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
I have a question for you...
Groovy!
Do you know what the worst part about being a child molester is?
All the lives that are destroyed by the acts of a self-serving, psychologically-deranged, socio-pathic predator?
No... Getting the blood stains out of my clown suit!
Damn! Walked right into that one!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
Let's go through your statement one more time to make sure I haven't left anything out...
Goovy!
After Kinko the Clown told you his sick joke about child molestation, you killed him by dropping an anvil on his head, then you proceeded to stuff his carcass into the wood chipper...
I cannot tell a lie... yes! What's going to happen to me?
The judge will probably let you off with a warning, but I'd watch out for members of NAMBLA... Those sickos will stop at nothing to protect the "rights" of child molesters...
Damn! To think I got into this mess because I asked that %#&@ clown where the nearest Hot Topic store is!

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
Well, I'm not technically an 'actor' in the porn industry. I'll explain...
Groovy!
I'm what is known as a "stunt cock"...
Wow! Really? Are there any openings?
I'm a fraid not... But, hey! They do have a need for a"fluffer". Just show up at the set first thing in the morning, and I'll get you in...
Fantastic! I'd better go home and get plenty of rest! Tomorrow's going to be a big day...

 

by edoggydog
1-13-05
I hear that you've applied for the fluffer job. Super! You're just in time...
Groovy!
See that naked guy over there with the flacid 10-incher?
Uh... Yeah...
START FLUFFING!!
Uh...no problem! But first let me go check the parking meter outside... I don't want to get cited! (Just keep walking towards the door and don't look back!!)

 

by edoggydog
1-14-05
Dude... I've decided I'm going to add a wood deck in ny backyard!
Groovy!
Now, even though I've never attempted carpentry before, what could possibly go wrong?
Uh, oh... I think I can already see what's going to happen next!
Thirteen minutes later...
Dude! I just got nailed!!
I knew it! I'm sure this same, lame punchline, with the same, lame cartoon figure, has already been done a billion times throughout Stripcreator.com.!

 

by edoggydog
1-14-05
Dude... I went down to the Consumer Electronics Show at the L.A. Conventon Center last weekend, and I met the cutest little cyborg!
Groovy!
So... We got to talking, drank a couple of 3-in-1 Hi-balls, and the next thing I know, we're back at the crib, shorting circuits and denting motherboards- if, you know what I mean!
Coolio! Are you still seeing her?
No... that %#&@ half-breed terminated my ass! And, on top of that, I just found out she gave me a computer virus! I've been discharging binary code for the last three days...
Oh, Jesus! Another lame punchline! I needs to go get me a triple latte cyanide with a doubleshot of hemlock...

 

by edoggydog
1-15-05
Groovy!
So... A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! We don't serve food here!"
BOOOOO! You Suck!!
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I don't swallow... Mostly...

 

by edoggydog
1-16-05
This one's dedicated to Mayte...
I have great news! I just found out that I'm finally pregnant after three years of trying with my husband!
Groovy!
And, I have you to thank for it!
Me? Why me?
Because of the advice you gave me about not swallowing!
Glad to be of service! Now, if you'll excuse me while I go home and whack off...

 

by edoggydog
1-17-05
I was told you wuz lookin's for a date. Well, today is yo' lucky day, home-grown
Groovy!
See that fine beotch over there?
You mean the one that looks like a (gulp) goat?
That's her, suckah! I can let you have her for, say, $300 an hour!
I'll go get my checkbook! (yesss, there is a god!)

 

by edoggydog
1-17-05
Welcome to Floyd Motors! I'm here to rape -er, assist you!
Groovy!
As you can see, we have rows and rows of cars for you to choose from. Any ideas on what your looking for?
Well, I was thinking along the lines of a small, economical car, say around 10 grand...
Great! A new Hummer XXL it is! That'll be$62,000!!
I'll go grab my checkbook... (Damn, this guy is good!)

 

by edoggydog
1-17-05
Ook, ook! Eek...ookity-ook!
Groovy!
Eek, eek, ook! Ack, Ack! Ookity-ook, ook, eek, ooook!!
The whole banana? That looks rather large, and it probably will hurt...
OOK, OOK, EEK, OOOOOOOK!!!
Okay! You win! I'll go grab the anal lube... (damn, this chimp is good!)

 

by edoggydog
1-17-05
I was wanting to have a intimate and revealing conversation with you...
Groovy!
I'm thinking about 'outing' myself... I can no longer live this double life! What say you? Should I let people know that I'm gay?
Sure! Why not? It's 2005!
So, are you saying you have no problem with male homosexuality?
No problem at all! Well, except for that whole taking-it-up-the-ass part...

 

by edoggydog
1-17-05
It says that I've been invited to a rave party at Club Head this Saturday...
Groovy!
I don't know... It seems to soon! I only broke up with Twiggy a little over a month ago...
Dude... Are you nuts?! I rave party at Club Head? There's going to be plenty of fine women there. Just go... It'll be a blast!
Sunday morning...
Dude... What a party! I got trashed!!
Gee, I'm sure this lame-ass punchline has never been done before, also! Who write's this crap?

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
Welcome to Kaddar's Yoga World! I'm Kaddar, and we will be starting in about five minutes...
Groovy!
Since your new, I want to be clear on why you've taken up yoga... Is it because you are trying make a spiritual connection with your inner power so you can tap into a higher level of conscienceness?
Nahhh... I just want to be able to give myself a blowjob!
Damn! Why didn't I think of that?
I'll go grab my tights...

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
Dude... I just got back from a three week vacation in Maui!
Groovy!
Anyhoo... Do you remember the Brady Bunch epsiode where Greg took the tiki idol and it brought him bad luck? Well, I took one myself, and what happens to you is worse than depicted in that epsiode!
What do you mean?
What do I mean..? Just look at me, you @%#& idiot!
Whoops!

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
I just got back from my cosmotologist, and I feel great!!
Groovy!
I had him do a full-body chemical peel to get rid of all the dead skin... Here, look!
Dude... Looks like he kinda over did it!
Yeah... It does feel a little breezy! But, the doctor assured me my skin will grow back eventually. Probably. Ah, heck... Gimme five up high! C'mon! Don't leave me hanging!!
Dipshit!

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
...like i said, it is a form of accu-pressure. As I tug on the left nipple ring, it relieves the dull, throbbing pain from the infection caused by the unsanitary bolt pierced thru my nut-sack. See?
Groovy!
Oh, shit! Here comes my master, and does he look pissed off!
Well... It's like I always say: it's better to be "pissed off" than "pissed on"!
What? Did you say "pissed on"? Ooooh... Yummy!
Uh...gotta go! (I must remember who I'm talking to!)

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
...so, you want to know how I got this hook and eye patch, eh? (Arrrrrghhh!) I'll explain...
Groovy!
I lost me left hand in a sword fight with Blue Beard. (Arrrrrgghhh!)
And, the eye patch..?
One morning, soon after having the hook installed, I was putting in me contacts... (Arrrrrgghh!) ...well, me being left-handed, and half-drunk on Captain Morgan... I think you get the picture...
I hope he doesn't suffer from jock itch...

 

by edoggydog
1-18-05
So, you want to hear my life story? I can sum it in two panels...
Groovy!
I came to L.A. to audition for the new Star Trek TV show called, "Black Hole Probe". Unfortunately, I didn't get the role of Tabby, the Intertgalatic Pussycat. I did find other work to pay my bills.
Really? What kind of work?
Kitty porn!
Whore!

 

by edoggydog
1-19-05
Dude... Last night, I went out with the cutest, li'l Siamese cat, 'cuz, y'know, every once-in-a-while I like to get a little pussy...
Groovy!
You haven't heard the best part! Do you know what sound a cat makes when it's getting butt-fucked?
I have no idea...
ME-OUCH!
God, another lame punchline! I wonder if RedfeatheR has an opening in his strip?

 

by edoggydog
1-20-05
So, there I was at my 40th birthday party, with my eyes closed...
Groovy!
...when someone yelled, "Open your eyes!" Right there in front of me was the most beautiful, three-layered, chocolate cake, alit with flaming candles... It was a great surprise!
Wow! Then, what happened?
Well, me being a fire-fighting robot, progammed to put out any and all fires, naturally, I pee'd all the cake!
Naturally... (What a dumb ass!)

 

by edoggydog
1-25-05
Dude... I just played in my first rugby game today...
Groovy!
Well... How did it go?
How did it go? Are you a #@&% idiot?! Just look at me!
Sheesh! What a grouch!

 

by edoggydog
1-25-05
Dude... What I beautiful day! It's sunny out, and everyone's so friendly!
Groovy!
Then, why do I feel so depressed? Why can't I just enjoy life, and go with the flow? I feel like taking this knife, and jamming it into my balls-sac!
Go for it! All that blood squirting out of your crotch as you die a slow and painful death should make for great theater!
Well, uh, let's not be so hasty! I mean, maybe it's just a phase I'm going through. See... I feel better already!
Damn! Almost talked him into it! I guess I'll go down and see what's playing at Le Chien Bijou...

 

by edoggydog
1-26-05
Wazzup, home-grown? I just got out of b-ball practice...
Groovy!
Yo', listen to this: My cracker coach called me a ball hog, and that there is no "I" in "team"...
So... what did you do?
I told him that there is a "me" in "team", and then I preceded to choke his mother-$&#@ ass!
Coolio! (Just walk away and don't look back!)

 

by edoggydog
1-26-05
Yoga-master Kaddar told me about your goal of being able to give yourself a blowjob, and he sent me because he thinks I can help you...
Groovy!
Ahhh... I see the problem. You have a penis the size of a hamster! So, no amount of strecthing is going to get you to be able to reach it. Fortunately, I have some pills that can fix this...
You mean as in "male enhancement" pills? Those things don't work!
Oh, yeah? Look at me! I'm hung like a cattle-rustler!!
I'll go grab my checkbook...

 

by edoggydog
1-26-05
So, you looking to enlarge your male "member", eh? Well, forget everytthing you heard about those enhancement pills! I can guarantee success...
Groovy!
For a mere fifty bucks, (and your soul for eternity), I can make you hung like the first yesterday's laundry! Just sign here, in blood, and- -oh, @&$%! Here comes that Prince of Peace dude again!
So..?
I still owe him for that bet on the Notre Dame game! I thought for sure the Blue Devils would win! Bunch of fudge-packers... Oops! Gotta go!
Mmm... He said 'fudge'...

 

by edoggydog
1-27-05
"...this website is dedicated to the support and promotion of N.A.M.G.L.A. (North American Man-Goat Love Associaton)..."
Groovy!
"...we advocate these intimate and vulnerable, inter-species relationships, fostered by mutual trust and attraction..."
Super-groovy!!
"...for a small monthly fee of $795.00, we will match you with single goats in your area. For an extra fifty dollars, you can hook up with ones that are really b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d..!"
This is too good to be true! Now, where did I put that %@$# credit card?!

 

by edoggydog
1-27-05
Hi... I'm from the N.A.M.G.L.A website. I'm your date...
Groovy!
My name's Billy...
Whoa! You're a dude? I don't know about this...
Hmmpf! So, you're willing to have sex with a goat, but not a male goat? C'mon! It won't mean your gay, y'know...
Well, since you put it that way... I'll go grab the anal lube.

 

by edoggydog
1-28-05
Groovy!
So... A clown walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey! No funny business aloud here!"
Don't quit your day job, @$#%-face!!
*sigh*

 

by edoggydog
1-28-05
Dude... Yesterday, in the park, some asshole tried to mug me! But, I fixed his wagon...
Groovy!
Right when he was about to take my wallet, I jumped up and bit him in a place where he'll never forget!
Really? Where was that?
In the NUTS! Get it? I'm a squirrel! Squirrels like NUTS!! What are you... a #@$% idiot?
Wait here while I go grab my shotgun...

 

by edoggydog
2-01-05
Hi... My name is Belzer. I am from the planet Mongo, which is approximately 2.3 million light-years away...
Groovy!
I have traveled here, non-stop, for many, many months! I have only one request...
Do you want me to take you to our leader?
No! I need you to lend me a quarter so I can use a pay toilet. I needs to take a major shit!!
I'll go grab some change from my man-purse...

 

by edoggydog
2-02-05
Groovy!
Ok... (ahem)... All I want to say is, "Mean people suck"!
Oh, yeah?! Well, "nice people swallow"!!
@%#$ this!

 

by edoggydog
2-02-05
Dude... Did you hear what happen to me yesterday? It was the strangest thing...
Groovy!
Well, anyways... My truck got repossessed!
By whom? Ford Credit..?
No... SATAN!!
Gee... I just noticed this guy ain't wearing any pants! Just walk away slowly, and don't look back...

 

by edoggydog
2-11-05
This one's for Shivaaah...
Groovy!
I hate Bush!!
Get off the stage, you %#$@ ass-jockey!
What does my sexual preference have to do with my views on the President? @%#$ these right-wing red necks!!

 

by edoggydog
2-11-05
So, Charlie... You want me love you long time?
Groovy!
I charge only fitty dollah for hand-job...
How much for full-on, vaginal intercourse?
Vaginal intercourse? Me not that kind of girl... That's because I really a man! Now, you want handjob or not, hot shot?
Okay, okay! I'll go get my checkbook! (I guess it's better than those "mental" handjobs I get from my friend Sheila...)

 

by edoggydog
2-14-05
Dude... I just met the coolest chick on Wahoo Personals. She's really groovy!
Groovy!
I just said that! Anywayz... She told me if I want to get "intimate" with her, then I'd have to "pamper" her first...
So... What did you do?
I showed up at her door with a dozen roses and some body lotion. Turns out, however, that she wanted me to put bring her diapers! Lend me a few bucks so I can go buy her some...
Today's your lucky day! I happen to have an extra box of Pampers right over here...

 

by edoggydog
2-14-05
Wanna here what I'm doing tonight with my fem-bot girlfriend for Valentine's? It's pretty cool...
Groovy!
First, I'll give her box of chocolate-covered batteries. Then, we'll go to the local body shop to get our chasis' polished. After that, I'll take her back to the crib and-
Dude... So far it sounds @%$# lame!!
You didn't let me tell you the best part! It involves a can of STP and jumper cables...
Who gives a rats ass!!

 

by edoggydog
2-15-05
Dude... I saw my vet today, and he gave me a clean bill of health...
Groovy!
He did tell me to watch out for that Mad Cow disease that's going around. But, I'm not worried...
Why not?
Because I'm a bicycle!
Uh... You may want to go get a second opinion, Elsie

 

by edoggydog
2-15-05
I just got this letter from Twiggy's attorney. (You know that I asked her to marry me last night.) Maybe, he wants to lay out the terms for our pre-nuptial agreement...
Groovy!
"In addition, any attempt to contact my client in the future will result in major bodily harm to your person, including, but not limited to, placing your nuts in a vice and squeezing 'til they pop."
oops...
:((
Uh... Hang in there, pal... (What a loser!)

 

by edoggydog
2-17-05
Dude... Me and my bitch- uh, girlfriend- had sex for the first time last night!
Groovy!
Well, I kept asking her how she likes it, and she kept saying, "Honey, we've been together long enough for you to know!" This bullshit went on for twenty minutes!
So, what did you do?
I started butt-fucking her! So then she screamed, "What the hell are you doing? Get out!" Oh,well... I had a one-in-three chance, and I chose the wrong hole...
I'll take those odds any day! Now, excuse me while I go home and "meouch" my cat...

 

by edoggydog
2-17-05
Dude... Last week I won a gift certificate for a free "facial"...
Groovy!
So, two days ago I drove out to the address on the paperwork...
And... How did it go?
Not well. Instead of being a fancy day spa, the place was an empty warehouse! And, inside was Ron Jeremy naked with a film crew. I'm still not able to wipe all the dried "spooge" off my face!
How many times must I tell you to read the fine print... (loser!)

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