All comics by DarkGoblin

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by DarkGoblin
1-30-03
Now this post I am not being SARCASTIS.
You understand, NOT SARCASTIC.
Are you going to fast.

 

by DarkGoblin
1-30-03
SO THEN I SAID, WHAT ABOUT THE SPOOGE
LOL
...
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
I'M BATMAN

 

by DarkGoblin
2-03-03
Opening Limits
anti-differentiate the inverse cos-log of the quadratic trig formula
I'll see your anti-differentiation of the inverse cos-log of the quadratic trig formula and raise you slavery and sexism.
The Integration Goes Poorly (dx = 1/bondage)
dude, that stuff is 140 years old, we're talking about math here
Woman, how DARE you speak to me, a MAN, like that?
The Square Root of Negative Common Sense (Plus an Arbitrary Constant)
jesus christ...
Shouldn't you be in the kitchen making me some grits, female?

 

by DarkGoblin
2-03-03
maybe Spam will work better...
ANY COCKS TODAY
DIE
I'LL TAKE THAT AS A SUCK ME OFF NOW
as it turns out by sucking me off he actually meant having Cameron Manheim sit on me
K SEE YA

 

by DarkGoblin
2-04-03
Hell
I love you.
Oh shut up.

 

by DarkGoblin
2-05-03
The Many Faces of Joan Rivers

 

by DarkGoblin
2-05-03
Sorry Jesus, but I have no choice.
Yeah yeah, just get it over with.
Okay, here we go...
Uh...a little help here?
*sigh*

 

by DarkGoblin
2-06-03
KNIGHT TO QUEEN'S ROOK 4
Hm...there's only one way I can win this.
BINGO
NOT THE ARSON DEFENSE

 

by DarkGoblin
2-07-03
Jerusalem
And you wanted to be a carpenter...
The irony is not lost on me, Dad.

 

by DarkGoblin
2-07-03
We will not wait to see what terrorists states could do with nuclear weapons.
Saddam Hussein -- the game is over.
Wanna play checkers?

 

by DarkGoblin
2-07-03
I AM HITLER'S BONES AND I AM HERE TO KILL YOU, FILTHY JEW!
Well, you're right in that I WAS a Jew...
...Was?
Yes, you see, I was crucified by Pontius Pilate two millennia ago, so now I'm dead. Therefore, I no longer identify myself as a Jew, but rather as the Son of God, yea.
EVA!!! WE NEED TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK!
Ah, young love.

 

by DarkGoblin
2-08-03
You know what, you've got spunk.
Why, thank you Mr. Grant.
I HATE SPUNK!
I LOVE spunk.

 

by DarkGoblin
2-09-03
Present Day
We've been a silent part of this union for long enough. We're seceding!
WHAT?!
Slavery for all!
I thought you guys were against that sort of thing. Remember the first Civil War?
...Wait, slavery means freedom and equality, right?
*sigh* And they say George W. Bush is dim...

 

by DarkGoblin
2-18-03
First Annual Studs of the Bible Contest
Sorry Methuseluh, we have an age limit here. *stupid prevert*
MY DICK MAY BE SHRIVELED BUT I STILL HEARD THAT.
Next Up...JESUS H. CHRIST, SON OF GOD, AND LO IT WAS GOOD, VERILY!
9.0 Jesus, but I'm sorry to say that you've been beaten out by that fellow over there.
But how could I, the Lamb of God, be beaten -- HEY, HE ISN'T EVEN IN THE BIBLE!
WINNER, AND CHAMPION -- JOHN LENNON!
I'M BIGGER THAN JESUS!
NO YOU'RE NOT!!!

 

by DarkGoblin
4-14-03
*sticking my foot in your cunt*
*orgasm*
HUAGBGUUBLBAHG
GULABHGBBUBLBAHGB
LAUGHBAHG
*sigh* I died for this?

 

by DarkGoblin
5-09-03
TPANTS THE ATTACK ON THE WTC WAS SUCH A TRAGEDY
TDEUCE YES YES IT WAS
WHEN DO WE GET TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT
WHEN COCKSUCKING GETS OLD
DAMMIT (SLURP)

 

by DarkGoblin
5-22-03
"The Banger Sisters" was a huge letdown.

 

by DarkGoblin
5-25-03
Based on a true IM convo
LOL, I just got this spam-mail: "Guys, feel eighteen again!"
Oh goody, I get to feel 1 and a half years younger.
LOL woo!! So do I get to pay to feel myself?
.........................
Uhh....feel LIKE myself.

 

by DarkGoblin
5-25-03
I'm a little hardling, short and stout.
Here is my handle, here is my -- huh?
FBI ma'am, you're under arrest.
IT WAS A TYPO, I SWEAR!

 

by DarkGoblin
5-28-03
lim(x->oo) 1/x = 0
d(x^2)/dx = 2x
8===D~~~~~~~~

 

by DarkGoblin
5-31-03
Computer Room -- 19 year-old and his mother
How do I download this attachment my friend forwarded to me?
[Outlook has removed the following unsafe attachments from this message...]
...
*sigh* Makes you wonder why the terrorists picked airplanes over computer viruses.

 

by DarkGoblin
6-26-03
With Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze
I'm leaving you out in the COLD, Batman! HAHAHAHA!!!
Better make sure you don't catch your death of COLD! AHAHA!!!
Does anybody like me yet?

 

by DarkGoblin
7-05-03
Based on a true IM convo
....Dude, I work at 3 AM. I sleep when Family Guy is on.
At least I'm getting paid.....legitimately, no less.
No more whoring yourself out to homeless vagrats for you!
w00t!.....wait....FUCK YOU

 

by DarkGoblin
7-21-03
We know where Osama bin Laden is, but not how fast he's moving.
We know how fast Saddam Hussein is moving, but not where he is.
Today, the United States begins the War on Quantum Physics!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-08-03
Our story begins with Peter Parker, the alter-ego of the Amazing Spider-Man, rummaging through his late Aunt May's attic.
Hey, these pictures are of my parents. I've never seen them before.
My mom's pregnant in this one, it must have been taken before I was born.
Wait a minute, this picture is dated 3 days AFTER I was born!
Could Peter Parker have a brother? Find out in our next installment!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-08-03
When we last left Peter Parker, he had just discovered evidence suggesting that he has a brother!
How could my mom have been pregnant again mere days after I was born?
I suppose he could be a fraternal twin, but -- wha?
Oh, he's so much more than that, Parker!
Can it be? Has Spider-Man's most dangerous foe, presumed dead for many years, has returned from the grave? Stay tuned, True Believers!
No, not you! NOT YOU!!
That's right, Parker! The Green Goblin has returned!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-08-03
How'd you do it, Norman? How'd you survive being impaled through the chest?
A combination of herbs and yoga, mostly, but that's not important right now. You should be more focused on your true genetic heritage!
What are you rambling about, Norman?
It's quite simple, Peter. The fetus inside your mother in that picture is the true Peter Parker.
OMG CAN WE DO THIS!!???! Wait and see!
You, however -- are a CLONE!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-08-03
You're talking out of your ass, Norman. Cloning is impossible.
It works on sheep, doesn't it?
I'M NOT A FARM ANIMAL!
True, but nonetheless, cloning humans is possible. The Peter Parker fetus was cloned and matured outside the womb to become you.
Is it a hoax? A fraud? Malarky? Jive? An intentional fabrication? Get out your thesaurus and hold on tight!
Assuming that I believe you, which I don't, what happened to the "real" Peter Parker?
The answer is quite simple, but perhaps you should ask...YOUR AUNT MAY!!!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-09-03
Aunt May...how can you be alive? I-I watched you die!
Oh my, dearie, that wasn't me! That was Gwen Stacy, artificially-aged and hypnotized to do Norman's bidding!
What?! But...but how could you let Osborn do that?
Why, it's very simple, my dear...
Truth, fiction, or something stranger? And what about our other unresolved plot threads? Will we ever resolve them???
Norman Osborn and I are lovers!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-09-03
If you're just joining us, Aunt May and Norman Osborn have been doin' the nasty!
...Aunt May, that's disgusting.
Oh my yes, Peter, but that's how I like it!
Oh my God, this can't be happening...
There there, Peter, everything will be all right. In fact, I think now would be a good time to meet your brother. Come here, Ben...
IF YOU LIKE THIS WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT! (Hint: It involves maracas.)
UNCLE BEN??!??!?!
That's right Peter. Your real Uncle Ben died before you ever knew him. The Uncle Ben you knew...was ME!

 

by DarkGoblin
8-09-03
Last issue, we took a huge stinking shit on continuity!
Jesus, the writers are really scraping the bottom of the barrel...
You see, "brother", when I was born, Norman accelerated the aging process, so that I could replace your Uncle Ben!
I...but...ugh. Well, at least MJ's still normal.
Next issue: The continued alienation of every single Spider-Fan!
Guess again, Tiger!

 

by DarkGoblin
1-02-04
DICKS ARE A SCALAR QUANTITY NOT A VECTOR
NOT WHERE I COME FROM

 

by DarkGoblin
1-05-04
Okay okay, so I haven't written a new chapter for the Clone Saga since August. But I have an excuse!
I guess I have to come clean about this. I'm not the real author, I was getting the storyboards from Kevin Smith.
Now that this is public knowledge, I can finally announce the projected completion date of the Clone Saga as March 2044.

 

by DarkGoblin
1-05-04
Hi heroes! If our last 7 installments pissed you off, wait'll you see THIS!
*sigh* Okay MJ, so what's your big secret? You're actually Professor X in drag?
That was in the first draft, actually, but the jackass writer decided on something else...
I'm almost afraid to ask...
I am actually Kang, the Conquerer! (Or Immortus or Rama Tut, depending on who you ask.)
WHOA HEY NOW DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN' HUH??!
That's it, I'm outta here.
This has all been a great experiment, but now it's time to push the proverbial reset button...AND RESTORE THE STATUS QUO!!!

 

by DarkGoblin
1-05-04
Take our word for it, after this you'll think Heroes Reborn was a literary masterpiece!
This is worse than the time John Byrne tried to retcon my entire life...
Behold, Peter Parker -- THE NEXUS OF ALL TIME!!!
I'm tellin' ya Kang, you could have done a whole lot worse... (Jesus Christ, who writes this guy's dialogue, Stan Lee?)
LET EVERYTHING BE AS IT ONCE WAS BEFORE...PREVIOUSLY!!!
NEXT IRIDESCENT ISH: THE CONCLUSION!
Hey, these pictures are of my parents. I've never seen them before. ...Oh well, time for lunch.

 

by DarkGoblin
1-05-04
So MJ, where do you want to go to...huh?
Peter? What's wrong?
I don't know...I just got the weirdest feeling that somebody was fucking with my life but then they reset history so it never happened.
Ch'yeah, right. Next you'll be telling me that Norman Osborn never died.
THE END ..For real. Stop looking at us like that.
You're right, it was a ridiculous thought. Let's go.
So I was thinking about this new Egyptian restaurant, Rama Tut's Garden...

 

by DarkGoblin
1-06-04
SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE
Smith to Mission Control...I have touched down on Mars.
So far no signs of intelligent life...
Hello, I'm Pat O'Brien of Access Hollywood, I'd like to ask you some questions...
STILL no intelligent life...
You wouldn't happen to have any of J.Lo's used kleenex, would you?

 

by DarkGoblin
1-06-04
The Metrons confront Captain Kirk
Because you violated our space, you must fight the Gorn captain -- TO THE DEATH!
Wait, there must be another way--!
Human, prepare to defend yourself!
THIS is the best you can do?! A stuntman in a rubber dinosaur costume?
Our makeup technology may not be as advanced as yours, but at least we don't wear gender-inappropriate eyeshadow!

 

by DarkGoblin
1-06-04
The space hippies are starting to get on Captain Kirk's nerves.
HERBERT, HERBERT, HERBERT!
*sigh* I wonder if suicide if a court martial offense...
Captain, perhaps I can get through to them.
Whatever you have to do, Spock. I won't think any less of you if you end up killing a few of them...
Later...
HERBERT HERBERT HERBERT!!!
I knew that jam session was a bad idea...

 

by DarkGoblin
1-06-04
The Fellowship of the Ring
We must journey to Doodledorf and fight the Gromelfilg!
Two Towers
We have fought and vanquished the Gromelfilg at Doodledorf!
Now we must make haste to Rendelgard to meet the Gurglding!
The Return of the King
Oodle goodle Fringle burdgrin fargin Refring Bergeng!!!
Paldar bondo gorbin Grebin arbdring Dorf!

 

by DarkGoblin
1-11-04
On the bridge of the Andromeda Ascendant
Rommie, blah blah blah blah Magog, blah blah blah Tarn-Vedra.
Blah blah blah slipstream, Dylan. Blah blah Point-Singularity Projector, blah blah the Battle of Witchhead.
Tyr and Beka have a talk
Blah blah blah, Nietzscheans, blah blah blah blah Kodiac Pride, blah blah reincarnation of Drago Museveni!
Tyr, blah blah blah Andromeda, blah blah blah Dylan blah blah!
Dylan demands answers from Trance
Blah blah blah Route of Ages, Trance. Blah blah Abyss of the Magog blah blah?
Blah blah blah Avatar of the Sun, blah blah blah. The Abyss blah blah blah the Known Worlds blah blah the Route of Ages.

 

by DarkGoblin
1-12-04
The Starship Voyager encounters a nebula, despite the plainly obvious planet on the viewscreen.
There's coffee in that nebula!
Actually Captain, this particular nebula is emitting omicron particles, and--
I SAID...there -- is -- coffee -- in -- that -- NEBULA!
Captain, you are behaving illogically.
DAMN IT TUVOK VULCAN LOGIC WON'T GIVE ME THAT SWEET SWEET CAFFEINE HIGH I NEED COFFEEEEE!!!
All Spock ever had to worry about was his captain contracting numerous STDs from green women...

 

by DarkGoblin
1-15-04
Lieutenant Paris and Captain Janeway attempt to break the warp barrier.
Warp 9.9... Warp 9.95... Warp 10!
...It seems we've turned into lizards, Captain.
That we have, Lieutenant.
Wanna have hot lizard sex?
Sounds good to me!

 

by DarkGoblin
1-29-04
Yea, my children, your Lord and Savior has returned!
Rejoice, for I have come again!
I didn't know dudes could have multiple orgasms.

 

by DarkGoblin
3-13-04
My comics suck.
Yes, yes they do.
No, seriously, they suck.
I KNOW.
They suck like an Asian whore.
Don't make me turn you back into asiangirl1.

 

by DarkGoblin
3-14-04
This little piggie went to market.
This little piggie stayed home.
This little piggie was set on fire and sacrified to Satan.
OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

 

by DarkGoblin
3-26-04
Tell me what you see, X-51.
I see a bored 20 year-old, Uatu. When the mutation of Earth occurred, he was mutated into the most bored person alive.
He bored everyone he came into contact with. Now he writes stupid comic strips on StripCreator.
All this, for a stupid joke in the comic title that no one will understand, X-51?
You should see Clamup7004's comics, Uatu.

 

by DarkGoblin
4-21-04
boredom blows
go make comics or something
no, I don't have any ideas
go masturbate in the corner
10-4 :-D
sick bastard.

 

by DarkGoblin
5-18-04
I hate that new ad campaign. It's not bad enough that ads tell us to do something, now they're telling us to do something and that we're gonna like it.
It's basically like McDonald's going "SUCK IT BITCH" then slapping us like a $5 ho.
have you been spying on their next ad campaign?
...maybe

 

by DarkGoblin
2-14-05
In the beginning, there was nothing.
Then God decreed -- LET THERE BE TECHNO! And it was done. Unfortunately.
Techno, the most unfortunate of God's creations. (Second most unfortunate is the ocelot.)

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