All comics by Darkmire

Profile

 

by Darkmire
5-13-07
Hey! What are you doing here? Where are you going?
Cluck.
Come back here! Why are you a little boy now?
I just realized I have schizophrenia.
Cluck

 

by Darkmire
5-13-07
The other guys at the office say I'm weird.
Why is he talking to me?
For falling in love with you.
Oh fuck it!
Will you marry me?
Yes! You don't know how long I've waited to hear that!

 

by Darkmire
5-13-07
I might as well tell you, though...
I'm just here as an elaborate way to tell you you're fired.
So do you wanna have sex, or not?
Where are the vaginas on you humans?

 

by Darkmire
5-14-07
Hey! A fly landed on ya. Stand perfickly still.
Well, shit.

 

by Darkmire
5-14-07
I wonder what's in here.
I'm a crazy weird ghooost!
Grandpa, is that you?
It's time for my medeciiine!
Get back in the barn.

 

by Darkmire
5-14-07
We're gonna need more coffee.
We're gonna need more coffee.
Yeah, I was just thinking that.
What are we waiting around for, again?
I was waiting for dinosaurs to become extinct, I don't know about you.

 

by Darkmire
5-14-07
I have a proposal. What say we cut spending in PR and focus on leveraging our presence on the web?
Quack.
You can't talk, can you?
.......
I'm sorry. I should never have come to your house.
Why is this loser interrupting my calisthenics?

 

by Darkmire
5-15-07
Come back here!
I told you, I don't have any crack!
I don't want crack!
You don't?
I just wanted to spoon you.
So what do I do with all this crack?

 

by Darkmire
5-16-07
Oh, magic sex fairy. Please give me a sex robot.
Your wish is granted...
Hello, DAVID MARTIN! Let us perform SEX.
sluuurrp!
Excellent! Satisfactory!

 

by Darkmire
5-16-07
I'm going to jump off this cliff.
Do it, I dare you! I double dog dare you!
What's in it for me?
I'll give you this shirt.
Later...
Well that was fun!
I wish mom hadn't left us in the desert.

 

by Darkmire
5-16-07
Who are you?
In this post-apocalyptic world, the only survivors are pirates.
There's no sea.
That's why it's post-apocalyptic. Matey!
So what do you do?
Got any spare change? Arrr!

 

by Darkmire
5-18-07
What the... were you playing in my toilet?
Well I was just, hey what's that over there?
Get out of my house.
Do I have to go through the door?

 

by Darkmire
5-18-07
Where are we?
This is what Garfield's house will be like in the future. ...If you continue to be mean to your sister.
You mean cold and empty?
Yes...
You've shown me a lot today but what does being mean to my sister have to do with the death of Garfield, the McRib, and Hitler's resurrection?
Your little brother. You must kill him.

 

by Darkmire
5-19-07
Please disrobe, Mr. Jones. We will now have Anal Probot take over the examination from here.
What the?... No one said anything about a robot. AAAHHH!!!!!
It's in the Hippocratic Oath. Section 13b.
HolyAAAHHHH!!! When is he going to get to my anus?!
He hasn't been doing that ever since he became self aware.

 

by Darkmire
5-19-07
Why hello! Um... May the good of Christmas light your ways!
What does that even mean? You know why I'm here. I've come to kill you. Where have you hidden the children?
We needn't worry about that. What's in this box will make you forget aaaall about that...
Oh, and what's that?
Fellatio.
I doubt they'll be children for much longer if we keep doing this every year.

 

by Darkmire
5-19-07
Oh fudge. It appears I'm lost in bat country again.
Do you have your passport?
Oh. Well, you see I..
Super Transform!
...umm. So, you like my cape? It's yours!
Please step over to the counter, sir.

 

by Darkmire
5-19-07
What can I get for you, sir?
Um, I'll take a BLT.
What? You know it has bacon on it, don't you?
Really? What does that taste like?
Step around the counter and I'll let you try some of mine!
I should probably stop wearing this costume to McDonald's.

 

by Darkmire
5-20-07
One day, outside the radionuclear testing facility....
Squidro KILL YOU!!! RAAARRRRR!!!
HAHAHA! Your face! It like pubic hair! K'chunk! VWEEEEE! K'chunk!
Later............
And she was dating me the whole time!
Well, your mother! Kssshhhhh! Veep veep!
LaterER......
Uh oh! ...should have stayed out of Tokyo...
What you say about me?! Just like you to pull race card! K'chunk!

 

by Darkmire
5-20-07
OMG! She's a work of art!
Carrots.
So, I noticed you around.
You wanna multiply?
My species says no, but my erection says yes!
Come to my burrow. We will make love while the farmer sleeps.

 

by Darkmire
5-21-07
What can I do for you?
Hello. I'm a Jehovah's Witness, and I've come to your... monk place to see if you will denounce Buddha and accept Jesus as your personal savior.
We worship the same god, young one. Let me invite you to the church to learn of our teachings.
I've already been taught by God himself.
Have you been taught in the ways of getting your ass kicked?
More than your God ever could!

 

by Darkmire
5-23-07
Why do we live in cave? Like primitive man!
Me don't know! Me think we should take over this world!
That was fun!
Me forgot what we were doing.

 

by Darkmire
5-23-07
Hey, toilet. Tell me a joke!
Why did the toilet cross the road?... ...Because the Porto-Potty farted!
I gotta take a shit.
Okay, but hurry up. I gotta go, too.

 

by Darkmire
5-30-07
I sure wish my elephant could talk.
Why can't you talk, poor elephant? I would give anything for you to talk.
Moo.
That was fucking awesome!

 

by Darkmire
6-03-07
Rectum? I hardly know 'em. Ahahaha!
Excuse me doctor, I'm investigating the death of a Mary Farnsworth. Was she one of your patients?
Oh, um... Yes. She... Why do you ask?
It says in her autopsy that she had lethal amounts of horse aspirin in her system, as well as viagra.
Yeah, that was probably my fault.
What I'm trying to get at is drugs. Can I buy some drugs?

 

by Darkmire
7-25-07
While washing his hands, Dan glimpses in the mirror...
Aw, damnit! I forgot my pants and accidently wore my mom's throw rug again.
Hey mister! The restaurant is being robbed! Do something!
Oh, uh.. Right.
What should I do?
Call the fucking police you creepy fuck!

 

by Darkmire
10-08-07
Danny. There is homework to be done.
Aren't you supposed to do that for me, Homework Bot?
I have many functions, mainly nagging you, and when that doesn't work I may resort to insults. But I do not do the work for you.
Well MY only function is to play what appears to be Super Nintendo.
Actually that controller is connected to my arms. Lack of homework has clearly made you a moron.
I wondered why we had a game about The Ellen Degenerous Show.

 

by Darkmire
10-11-07
Let's talk about my butt.
Why would I want to talk about that?!?
Well, we're locked in this basement. What else are we going to do?
Fine. Proceed.
I shave my butt hair. And then I keep it.
Okay, now we're going to talk about my inability to value human life!

 

by Darkmire
10-11-07
Sister! Go! Speak my word unto the masses.
...Sister?
Shouldn't have had that last hit.

 

by Darkmire
10-14-07
I wish I could sustain human emotions so I could participate in holidays like Halloween.
Alas, the only emotion I can feel is regret.
I wish I could sustain robot emotions.

 

by Darkmire
10-14-07
Ha! There's no competition among the monsters! I'm more frightening than you! You make a pathetic Halloween costume!
Yeah, that's a pretty ugly expression you've got.
Blagh! You're not supposed to agree! You're supposed to argue! How dare you insult me! You will cower before my menace!
I probably should. Nothing's worse than a torrent of rabies-infected guano unleashed everywhere.
Okay, really. You're hurting my feelings now.
Oh, sorry. I guess even you have some human emotions. I mean, 'you are what you eat'?

 

by Darkmire
10-16-07
God, I have no friends. What are the chances I can meet someone on Craigslist? Let's see, "Lonely guy here... need friends."
"hey, 50yo gwm here, 8"c looking 4 young guy to jo on hit me bak"
Later...
So, you wanna play Scrabble?
Did you know that on the sea, marriage between a pirate and his swabbie is completely legal?

 

by Darkmire
10-17-07
Do you know why coconuts have three holes?
You don't really exist, do you?
Which one of my holes do you want to penetrate next, sexy?

 

by Darkmire
10-17-07
Okay. So we're in the middle of nowhere. I got the money. Why did you take me here?
You can't talk, can you?
Me moo me moo.

 

by Darkmire
9-23-09
Now what did the murderer look like?
Um, let's see. He had a hockey mask.... he was all grey for some reason...
So you're saying he looked like you?
Exactly like me. Yes.
Well, it's pretty clear to me that you're the perpetrator. I just don't understand why you called me out here?
It's love, officer! Don't you realize by now that I love you?

 

by Darkmire
9-23-09
Sorry, Butch. I'm gonna have to take you in now.
But I killed these daisies for you.
That's... that's sweet, Butch. They're beautiful. But I can't take them. We come from different worlds and...
Well how about... these?
You're.... you're so sweet. But I don't have a need for a box of body parts. And unfortunately, my boss would fire me if he saw us together.
But these are from your boss.

 

by Darkmire
9-23-09
Butch, I... care for you. But I'm not ready to accept a box of body parts at this stage in our relationship.
Oh, I wish it were me in this box.
Hush. Don't say that. It doesn't have to be that way.
What are you saying? Are you saying that you would... marry me?
Later...
I can't believe I'm getting away with this.
Yes, reverend. I do! Oh, if only this were legal.

 

by Darkmire
5-05-10
So, you've successfully lured me into your room. What is it you wanted to "show" me, as you said in an ominous tone before laughing maniacally?
Well, it should have been obvious that a deranged, blood-covered ax-weilder like me would try to kill you. But there's a humorous twist.
Kill me? You're going to..... to KILL me?! Oh my GOD!
No, listen. It's not that simple. There's a twist.
Oh. What's the twist? For a second I thought this was my comeuppance for massacring those babies in '06.
I'm going to kill you.

 

by Darkmire
5-06-10
Oh god. Am I dead? Is this heaven? I was in the middle of an operation.
I'm sorry my son. It was simply your time. Additionally the commercial break was almost over so I had to get it over with.
Jesus, you must understand. If I don't get back to Earth, that abortion's not going to finish itself.
Um.... you realize that's like the highest form of sin.
Well what are you going to do, kill me? It appears that I'm already dead.
I am Raul. I am here to abort you.

 

by Darkmire
5-08-10
Being a dog sucks. Hmm. I'm gonna put on my pink- horse-thing costume.
Sup.
Oh my god a talking dog!

 

by Darkmire
11-01-11
Hey, Adam. So I was thinking... how is a narrative affected by extremely base, shallow characters and how does it fit into the greater context of society?
deerrrhuuurrppp *glug glug*
Adam... I'm over here. That's a cliff Adam! WATCH OOOUUT!!!!
*belch*
ADAM YOU FELL OH MY GOD YOUR ENTRAILS ARE EVERYWHERE!!
HEEERPLLDEEEEerrp......

Showing page 1.