All comics by Encomium

Profile

 

by Encomium
4-28-03
Gee, Dog on a Ball, do you think I could get a chance on that ball?
Go fuck your mom.
Oh, well. I should have known you'd say that. There's no one left with a heart in this world.
You comin? I got a hankerin' for some heroin. I feel like crappin' my green tighties and forgetting I ever heard of religion.
Maybe...maybe this will let the hurt out...
Can I borrow that when you're done?

 

by Encomium
4-29-03
The gears are in motion, master. The protein vats have been brought to peak saturation.
I am pleased, Seldoz. Your family will be spared. But you will burn, a glorious sacrifice to me.
OH, MY DARK LORD! I SHALL SERVE YOU EVEN IN HADES!
You'll serve me in Hades and all the Realms beyond, harbinger! For my rule is ETERNAL!
Tweet tweet! Do Sally-Bird want some num nums?
Runny Pustule! Flightless Offal! You shall serve me and one day you shall burn with the others! Now FETCH, fleshbag, FETCH!

 

by Encomium
4-30-03
"Dear Sticky, I asked you to come here, where first we made sweet love, to remind you of how good life can be, and how fleeting those moments are..."
"...and to tell you I will always have a place in my heart for you. But you get on my nerves. Later.---Minnie"
Well, looks like it's just you and me, Sticky. Two guys on the lam, leaving behind a past we can't bear to face...
Th--the world will die with my heart...starting with Reynaldo...
Yep. Gettin' into wacky adventures, bonding...maybe we'll even sleep in the same hotel bed, and we'll wake up and I'll be like "Where are your hands?" And you'll be all "Between two feather pillows...

 

by Encomium
5-01-03
Heh. I've been walking this accursed landscape for what feels like eons. You, paper clip, are the first intelligent thing I've run across yet.
GNAH! ROOG! KnnnaLLLLAH!
...
Shna! Shna! KPOW!
YEAH, WELL SINCE WHEN DO PAPER CLIPS TALK, YA JERK! IT'S AMAZING ENOUGH I WAS MAKING ANY NOISE AT ALL! YEAH, KEEP WALKIN'!

 

by Encomium
5-02-03
I want to like myself. But instead, I like everything else. I like everything so much it hurts, and my gums are dry from smiling so much.
Sidekick to the knee...pop it out sideways...
So you see what I'm saying, Mary? I hate myself so intensely, I invert it all, flip it around, and love everything around me. How can I let that be, Mary? What kind of a life is that?
Damn. He's too quick.
Take you for instance. You're not paying any attention to me at all, yet the light of my love for you would put the stars to shame. Wait...how old are you?
HAI ROO KIN!

 

by Encomium
5-02-03
The state of the world...the hopelessness of the future...sickens me...throws a pall over my brain, Crazy Floating Head.
YEAH! MINE TOO! CAN'T GET OUTTA BED IN THE MORNING!
I shan't be a silent automaton any longer! I shall take arms against those who oppose me! Beware...the REDDEST ROBOT of them all!
...
I'M DEPRESSED BY MY INABILITY TO AFFECT THE ISSUES THAT IMPACT ME! PLUS, I AIN'T GOT NO-BODY! HA HA HA!
Man, that was just so uncool. I'm gonna play football with you now.

 

by Encomium
5-05-03
The loneliness is crushing. I return home to a poorly stocked fridge every night, to a liter of whiskey every morning. And I am hated by all who see me.
The war...the only time I ever felt anything...why can't I return to those bloody fields of lost innocence? Of tragic comfort?
M'am, I'll ask you for the last time. Please move your pickup or we're gonna have ourselves a problem.
Mommy says I'm special!

 

by Encomium
5-08-03
Hey! I got Mr. Tweeter! Now let's make like prom dresses in June and be off!
I---hello. Do I, Do I know you or something? I'm not sure...
C'mon, dumbass! I'm paying you in cats for services tendered! Now I don't care what you do with it, just don't leave any trace behind!
Sir, I really have to ask you to explain, I don't...
I'm right here, Jerry. And I said to pay me in 'cash', big guy.
Oh, that DAMN cel phone! Woah. I guess mom's not gonna be too happy with what happened to FlufferNutter...aw, man...

 

by Encomium
6-02-03
I need blood...BLOOD to fill my insatiable belly, my unending bloodlust! My certain blood-neediness! Blood should be mine, but I have a regretable blood deficiency! This sanguine dearth must end!
You get coffee. Like everybody else.
MORAL: Listen to the T-Rex. Drink your coffee.
Yes. Coffee. That's what I meant.
Iiiiiii THOUGHT so...

 

by Encomium
6-09-03
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck You.

 

by Encomium
6-12-03
Daniel, before I let you go out there, and ruin your life with...with HER...I just want you to know. My love for you is endless. ENDLESS!
I'm smiling because I don't know who you are.

 

by Encomium
6-12-03
Alright. So you walked around the back of the house, and you saw...what, exactly? I'm not sure I got it the first time.
"Play that funky muuusic whiteboy...play that funky music riiight..."
...Look, I...are you looking at me? I can't tell with that lazy eye. Which is the right one?

 

by Encomium
6-16-03
You requested my presence, Lt. Dan?
Seldoz! At last! The Dark Lord Sally-Bird needs you to steal a soul for him on Earth. You must be quick and you must be accurate. Are you to be trusted?
I would sooner eat the liver of my first born than fail His Majestic Yellowness!
Excellent. I am pleased I did not have to end this sentence in an exclamation point. Now begone! Oh...damn...
Buttercup? What did that squirrel do to you? Why are you lighter all of a sudden? And are you humming "MMMBop?"
YOINK!

 

by Encomium
6-16-03
I need a break, a BREAK! Even one day off would do, just two extra hours of sleep, of
'Sappenin', G-Funk? Look, I'm not gonna lie t'ya. I need to meet with a couple people tonight. Industry people. You wouldn't know 'em...but, I'm gonna have to ask you work this weekend. How's that?
Little extra money, little time to yourself? Huh? Yeah? You're doin' great, by the way. Love the tie.
I really like the jacket I found in the fridge attached to that torso. Can I keep it, or were you saving him for anything in particular? It's, like, crushed brown velvet, and, THAT is hard to come by.

 

by Encomium
6-17-03
I had a friend once...she stood right over there...and this used to be a beautiful, formless place, of near-limitless possibilities, it used to reflect infinity in its simplicity.
Now look at it. You've ruined it with your tampering!
Oh. There you are.
Yeah, see those pointy-leaf bushes? Yeah, don't pee in those.

 

by Encomium
8-06-03
Ka BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGG!!!

 

by Encomium
8-06-03
It is here that we meet
meet we that here is iT
...
You're an asshat.

 

by Encomium
8-06-03
So then SOMEbody said to themselves, wait, hold on, more than two thirds of this planet is covered with water, and we haven't gone deeper than 3 miles yet?!
Oh, wow, okay, uh huh?...
So then they started exploring, they found me, end of story.
And that's how ostriches came to live beneath the ocean?
Yep.
Wicked.

 

by Encomium
8-06-03
Do you hear that? Like the rustling of Angel's wings...
I don't-a hear-a no thing! Whadda you hearing, eh?
In fact, it sounds like the wings of the angel of death...
Still, I do not hear it. You know what-a IS in my head, though? Dat-a Avril Lavigne song, except-a sung by Charo.
That colorful stuff in the fridge that smells like garlic and cotton candy--are you gonna eat that? I've got the munchies in the WORST way.

 

by Encomium
8-11-03
Are you there, god? It's me, Margaret.
*BING!*
YAH!
Boogity!
GOD! You son of a bitch! You scared me!
Heh heh...I love that bit. Now whaddaya want?

 

by Encomium
8-12-03
Mothers weep tears of irradiated green for their fallen sons...not only the nations of man...but the very notions of honor, nobility, safety, LOVE...all eradicated beneath my orange talons...
...GAH! My reverie! Who dares to interrupt my future plans? WHO!!
Oh, who's a blessed birdie, now? There, there, little one...Father Mac will get you nummies straightaway...
...I love that man.

 

by Encomium
8-19-03
Officer Bibsy, Scotland Yard. We've heard reports of Werewolfism on the moors. Since you've unusually thick eyebrows, young man, you're my first and most likely suspect.
But I'm a girl, silly Bobby.
Does Mommy know I'm here?
Your mother was burned at the stake with the rest of the heathen masses, you filthy filthy codswallop!

 

by Encomium
8-19-03
Hey, hey, man...ask me where I'm goin'.
*SIGH* Where are you going?
Nowhere FAST! Get it? Get it, 'cause we're...'cause we're nowhere?
Heh heh?
I hope your parents burn in hell and have to eat each others' entrails for all eternity for bringing you into my life.

 

by Encomium
8-19-03
I smell donuts. Cinnamon donuts. And catfood. Cinnamon catfood.
And he was right. He did smell those things. Cinnamon, remember, is quite a volatile substance. Use with caution.

 

by Encomium
8-19-03
If you think for one MOMENT that my capture means anything more to the resistance than a minor inconvenience--
SILENCE, fool. The only reason you were even allowed to be in my magnificent presence was so I could see the look in your eyes when I told you I've eaten your family. I feasted well that night! HA!
...I knew that already. That was how you captured me. In fact, I watched you eat them, and then you made me have some of my brother.
...yes. Yes, obviously, I knew that. Yes. Well how was it?
OK. A little nutty...
WRONG! It was gamey! IT WAS GAMEY AS HELL! Now, you diiiiiiiiiiiie!

 

by Encomium
8-20-03
SO, uuuuuuuh...
Come here often?

 

by Encomium
8-22-03
My life is defined by the wisdom and insight provided by the films and more specifically the dialogue of Kevin Smith movies.
And you look like him, too.
Yeah, well. I really don't have much of a personality to speak of, so...you know how it is.
Not at all. I died my hair purple-ish and got a tattoo and these funk-funk-funky glasses to seperate me from the herd.
But I know a million girls that look exactly like you.
And people in Kevin Smith movies talk like Kevin Smith would if he had days and days to decide the perfect things to say in any given situation, you shitstabbing, unimaginative fuckwad.

 

by Encomium
9-03-03
His High Lord and Magnificent Yellowness Sally Bird the Inconceiveable...
Yes, yes, Ophelia, dispense with the pleasantries. You're interrupting my telepathic control of the Bush family. I've got Jebby...never mind. What is it?
...I...well, it's just that...we don't spend too much time together anymore, and I--it just has me worried. Is there another duck in your life?
Uh...look, baby...it's like this. We're just...in different places. Y'know? I rule the world and plan the EVIL conquest of entire planes of reality...I-um...
GURK!
Ah, breaking up is hard to do...

 

by Encomium
9-03-03
WHAT?

 

by Encomium
9-09-03
I have bangs!
Unlike my sister, my natural Asian cuteness is severely undercut by my unusual amount of body hair. Each day I curse my bushy eyebrows...
Bright-colored cereal is SO much fun! I drank all my milk today!
While I will grow into an uncomfortable, awkward future of reluctant intellectualism, she will enjoy a carefree existence filled with parties and positive attention. And the pigtails DON'T HELP ME.
I have bangs! Tee hee!
Plus I'm gassy. No matter WHAT.

 

by Encomium
9-22-03
Often, I wonder if my efforts, if my undying, unyielding evil, will result in nothing more than nothing. If all I shall bring about is a lonliness without end.
And then I remember...my plans are more than divine. My will is absolute. All things are within my grasp. And if I do not wish it to be so, so it shall not be.
Your Grand High Eternal Fantasticness! I bring you news of an attack on our Western Front! We need more men. Good men, with stout and EVIL hearts.
I love my life.

 

by Encomium
9-23-03
Something compels me always...always to slaughter the innocent. To take neighborhood cats, drink their blood, and use their tiny skulls as tea cups...
And the moments of clarity are so few and far-between...and the voice won't stop...only when I satiate by bloodlust does the undying chattering END!
...must commit atrocitites...must buy Cheese Nips...
...yes, not Cheez-Itz, like last time, you repellent oaf...heh heh heh...

 

by Encomium
9-25-03
You wanted to see me, sir?
Magnificent view, isn't it, Johnson?
Yes, sir, it is. I used to enjoy it quite often before you took my office and demoted me to tax litigation lawyer for your aerosol can front company.
It would be a shame if someone were to, oh, I don't know, fall from this height, wouldn't it?
NO, sir...sir, I meant no disrespect...I...yAAAAAa!!
...or to, you know, burn horribly and slowly at this height, whatever comes first. Mwooahahahahaha...

 

by Encomium
10-07-03
*GASP*! YOU! My--greatest nemesis! Who let you in here? What--
Your reign...is over.
ssssssssssssssssssss
Long live Moocow McGarnackle...HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

 

by Encomium
11-13-03
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAaAAaaaAaAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAA!

 

by Encomium
11-13-03

 

by Encomium
11-13-03
Uuuuuuuuuuuuummm...
Mmmmmm...geez, um...
Ben Vereen.
Yes!

 

by Encomium
11-20-03
JIM! Oh, god, Jim, don't move...just...it's got a hair trigger...
Wh--? Woah, man, how'd you get stuck in a guillotine?
I have no idea. Last night...it's a blur...qualudes, uppers, downers, Monday night football...and then this.
Stuck in a guillotine. We've all been there, man, it's not that--
DING DING DIIIING!! (CHOP)
...hurk!...
Hey, ice cream!

 

by Encomium
11-25-03
I've got nothing even remotely amusing to say.
Except: "Looney looney lumpky twat."
Fucker.

 

by Encomium
12-09-03
(laugh track): hahahahaaHAHAtittercough
It's a doozy, isn't it?
Oh, Crazy Weird Alien Sidekick, you have nooooo ideaaaaa!

 

by Encomium
1-07-04
I love pop culture more than I love my soul.
So what's with the space suit?
It's to keep me safe from rays, and brainwashing microbiobes created by the government and Johnson & Johnson.
I see. What's your favorite show, then?
American Idol. Sometimes, when I watch it, I get so excited I squeeze my anus shut so hard a little spit of dookie comes out.
CHECK, PLEASE!

 

by Encomium
1-07-04
Where the FUCK am I?

 

by Encomium
4-02-04
...eeeeeeeeeeeee...
This birdcage...I feel as if it called me here, to this garage sale...called me to it, to...to buy it, and bring it home. I feel as if I am the only one who can here its siren call...
...eeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
What could it mean? Why does it ring with the Music of the Spheres? Was it REALLY worth a buck twenty five?
In The Space Between Worlds...
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...(gasp)...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

 

by Encomium
4-10-04
...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
Ah, well, I suppose the sound will fade eventually, like my sex drive did.
...eeeeaaahahahahahaaaaa...
Wuzzat?
...AHAAHAHAAHAAAHAA! I'm back, you fat pusillanimous slug! KNEEL before your leucous-winged MASTER!
Oh. THAT'S where I remember that birdcage from.

 

by Encomium
5-18-04

 

by Encomium
9-27-04
Creed...Creed broke up...what are tone deaf Christians bored of Celine Dion to do now?
God, man, that was like...months ago. Where've you been?
Wallowing. Wallowing in my own sorrow. Sorrow and filth. With...with arms wide open...*sob*--
Wow. You should really try listening to eighties music, like the rest of us. There's nothin' like half-remembering perceived good times to the melody of New Wave.
Whither Stapp? Oh, the pain...
Taaaaaake...oooooon...meeeeee...

 

by Encomium
7-26-05
*Tweet Tweet*...*Twitter*...
Wanna play some Dungeons N' Dragons?
YEARS LATER
...the mind reels at the sheer carnage seen inside...it's just...the things done to the entrails are beyond description...oh, god! OH GOD SAVE US!...

 

by Encomium
7-26-05
I found this. I found this in the kitchen sink. Tell me why it was in the kitchen sink.
I was making a pube salad.
You were making a wh--
DELICIOUS!!
I...I was wondering what happened to all the vinegarette.
Want some? TOO BAD!! I'm gonna check on the sour cream and onion dip I left in the couch last week...should be JUST right...

 

by Encomium
7-28-05
Oh, Ruuuuusteee, I have a tasty new treat for yooooouuu...
...Rusty?
FWOOSH!
If God didn't want them to burn, he wouldn't have made them so goddamned flammable! I mean...LOOK AT 'IM GO!

 

by Encomium
7-28-05
By the Dark Lord's MagNIFicent beak, I should think you are rather unfitting to be seen by his Gloriousness. State your purpose, boy.
Chicken LaRue, just get out of the way! I've had a bad day! And I gotta take a whiz!
Your prattling means little to an officer in the Dread Army of the Fowl. Should you soil yourself, I would merely laugh and--are you FLOATING?!!
DAMN! My magic might shows through despite myself!
INDEED, assassin! But know you this--none may stand against the power of his Golden Ferocity!! Unleash your magicks against me! DO YOUR WORST!
DAMN! All I did was turn my shirt blue!

Showing page 1.

Next »