All comics by EvilErnie

Profile

 

by EvilErnie
8-09-03
Hello, my name is Juni and this is my sister Inuj. Although our mother loves us, she would gladly trade us in for a piece of bread!
We will gladly work for our stay in your home, Nike has employed us for many years! It is a wonder what we 8 year old girls can do for 12 cents a week!
But please do hurry and baptise us!
We will love any god which allows us to drink in worship!
Meanwhile, in the heavens above..
Famine, Pestilence, Death, and War...and they STILL survive! Eliminating the non-believers is hard. I should ask Saddam how he does it.

 

by EvilErnie
8-09-03
Uh..hey Gabe? I kind of had to sell your Atari, your Neo Geo Pocket, and your Pac-Man coffeetable cabinet for a new iPod. Is that alright with you?
...And without a moment's doubt, our hero turns his temp-roommate Zoe into the one thing her vegan diet won't touch...
Fuck you..

 

by EvilErnie
8-09-03
Hi! I'm Kobe Bryant. I'm here to tell you all about "CONSENSUAL RELATIONSHIPS". You see...although I'm banging my wife and another young woman, I've got both of their consent to do so!
And besides, many other celebs have had consensual relationships. Just ask Micheal Jordan, Frank Gifford, and Micheal Jackson!
Later, at Neverland Ranch...
Ready for bed?
Let me just put Blanket in his crib.

 

by EvilErnie
8-10-03
Hi honey, how was the first day at your Hand Job?
I think I pulled a muscle!

 

by EvilErnie
8-10-03
Oh hey, I've been expecting you. As you might've guessed, I'm the devil. While you're down here, we'll be making you take it in the ass more than a stallion in heat!
Excuse me, sir, but Saddam has JUST arrived! Shall I bring him in?
OHH, yes please...and put the blue dress on him! I do believe Mr. Osama is going to be someone's bitch on the very first day! Osama, meet my good friend Saddam!
Well, I guess we no longer have to hide our emotions!
Yeah! And since we're already dead, I guess I no longer have to hide that other thing anymore.

 

by EvilErnie
8-10-03
Hello there, I'm Ellen DeGeneres and I want to speak to you about talk shows. It seems that apart from reality shows, talk shows have been real hot amongst the talentless!
If myself, J-Lo, and Roseanne can have our own shows, then any of you unknown unimportant little people can as well! I don't even have lots of money, I get by on popularity of my homosexuality!
Hello there, I'm an inanimate object. Am I able to have my own talkshow?
Of course! Or if you want, we could start a reality show about reality shows doing a talk show!

 

by EvilErnie
8-11-03
Hello, I am a representative for the RIAA and am here to tell you that music file sharing is bad. Although it is in many ways similar to recording music on audio tapes, we wish to ignore the facts.
We would also like to ignore the fact that for the past 2 decades, over 90% of household families have recorded content from TV to VHS tapes, but we'd like to think we have a point!
We, in the industry, WANT you to purchase CDs at overinflated prices of $16 per CD at Tower Records and Sam Goody. Why? Because WE ARE the industry. Basically, we killed the industry because we could!
What about Mini-Disks, you ask? Well, it's easier to piss off the CD consumers with MP3 prosecution and Sony's our bitches, so they're ok. Yay! Pissing of consumers and being above the law is FUN!
Come on, time to get back to Hell..
Aww man, I was just about to get into how we're going to charge $45.95 for CDs soon..

 

by EvilErnie
8-12-03
SHARON!!!! zzzafle doofle SHIT werzzzitgoing saffrrzapple DAMNIT shiffle stoofoo JACK!
Ozzy, where are you going? I need you to listen to my complaining!
NEXT TIME ON: The Osbournes
SHARON!!!! Shoorforloople zzeefit shorpoo WHISKEY szachterfittsh shofterbloopz DAMN DOG forkleffipper bangboombah STUPID NEIGHBORS!
Ozzy! Jack's in rehab again!

 

by EvilErnie
8-13-03
Welcome to Cliche Castle, what would you like to order?
What is today's special?
Today, we have a sizzling "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US", with your choice of sides of either "It's a Trap!" or "Everytime you masturbate, god kills a kitten".
Does the special still come with "You're a Homo" Erik Estrada seasoning?
Yes, but we just ran out of it a bit ago. I'm sorry!
Oh no, that's okay. I'll just have a "Trogdor: The Burninator" extra value meal and a small soft drink, to go.

 

by EvilErnie
8-14-03
We interrupt this program to bring you news of a widespread blackout affecting NY, NJ, CT, and other states and cities at this moment.
We have reason to believe that this is NOT work of terrorists, but a system power faliure in New York state, affecting all cities and towns within the power network.
We apologize, but we will be running news coverage for 4 hours, unable to bring you Dr. Phil's show for the time being.
God granted my wishes! Joy!

 

by EvilErnie
8-22-03
My name is Beth. My son died 3 days ago by setting our trailer on fire with matches we had lying around. He thought it'd be fun because he saw it happen in a video game we bought him.
The name of it was "Grand Theft Auto 3". We thought it was an educational game for our son, because by the title alone, it must be! My husband and I were mislead with INTENTION!
We never sat and watched his favorite show with him called "Jackass" or something nor did we watch him play his games. All we did was ignore him and go about our way.
But why should *I* be held responsible? It isn't like *I* designed the game we bought him and we didn't know it was bad until he set himself on fire! For a 5 year old, his mind wasn't impressionable..
So I'm going to sue the developer and go to congress, demanding money for THEIR mistakes and have the game banned so that the same will not happen to other problematic children with brain dysfunctions
Ohhh, Christmas is coming soon...I bet Billy will just LOVE the "Beavis and Butthead" DVD set we got him, as well as the "Faces of Death" movie! Good thing my husband got him that fancy tackhammer!

 

by EvilErnie
10-08-03
Hello there, I'm president George W. Bush. I'm speaking to you, the American public, about this cooky 'war' in Iraq still ongoing and filling you in on the situation in Afghanistan.
Iraq is a giant desert. Afghanistan is a giant desert with mountains. If people live there, we couldn't care less, but these are all people who gathered collectively to bring down the U.S.
If you feel war isn't the solution, then maybe we should wait until Iraq can purchase a nuke and blast their way into our country before we take action, so you can bitch at me then. So whine on!

 

by EvilErnie
10-08-03
Osama is like a mouse...you want to catch him before he makes anymore trouble, but he has so many places to hide. You chew me out because I can't find him, yet you sit on your lazy asses to criticize.
Maybe you, the American public, should join the United States military and find him yourself, rather than speculate. Can't hack it? Then quit bitching.
I have to run the United States as a leader, attend to many different matters all at once, taking care of healthcare, and fighting 2 wars...and you all have the nerve to sit around and complain? PFFT!

 

by EvilErnie
3-21-04
Dear Erick, although we have been broken up for a little over a year now, I am now marrying my boyfriend and need to relieve myself of some turths I've kept from you.
When you and I began dating, I used you as a revenge tool against my now fiance when he and I broke up, but we got back together 1 week after you and I began dating. I cheated on you for 4 months..
so in actuality, I fucked you over and I got away with it. I sure am glad you're so gullable and will buy into my apology bullshit and am satisfied that I got it out! Thanks for understanding! -Brandy

 

by EvilErnie
3-22-04
Woah, holy shit, I just had an apiphany! What if I, the bird, am the undesired outkast of modern society, being this cage? I can be an anarchist and escape my oppressor's grasp!
Or prehaps society won't let go of me so it may protect me from all of the exiles of society like the serial killers and drugdealers...being the cat. I amaze myself sometimes!

 

by EvilErnie
3-23-04
Tonight, we have quite a contraversial story to report regarding a soldier gone AWOL in opposition of the Iraqi war.
Yes and quite a story it is! The story begins where Camilo Mejia, a local of Sherborn Florida, had gone AWOL during his schedualed return to Iraq in opposition of the war.
Staff Sgt. Mejia had turned himself in Tuesday to military officials. Reporting tonight on this story is Mark Daring at Fort Oppressor, getting the information straight from Staff Sgt. Mejia...Mark?
Yes, as you said, I am here with Sgt. Camilo Mejia, professional pussy and hippie liberal. Is it true, Mr. Mejia, that you're a hypocritical jackass that had enlisted into the ARMY to begin with?
Uh...well, I...uhh..

 

by EvilErnie
6-26-04
At the 2004 Presidential-Candidate Debate Forum...
Well, Mr. Kerry, I may not be the BRIITEST bulb in the KUNTREE, but when I stick to a plan, I put my FUT down and follow THROO! If the war was a bad idea, why did you condone my actions?
You, Mr. Bush, are wrong and also happen to put that same foot down on the thousands of soldiers fighting that war while you take a vacation. And I, as well, follow through with a commitment!
Oh please, John, you KLAIME my purpose for the war is just and yet you deny the very actions you were KOMMIT-TED to. You can't even STIKH to a decision you've finalized! You'd be an awful PREZIDHENT!
Not true! I never changed...er...have changed...no wait...have never changed my mind!! I would be a much sturdier and secure president than you!....ACK...NO WAIT! I CHANGE MY MIND!
Here we go..
I want to be a superhero! Yeah...that's it...no..maybe a gynacologist? NO! A RAPPER! Boom-chikka-boom-chika-boom...no...that's not it. I WANT TO BE JANET RENO!!

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