All comics by Fracture

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by Fracture
2-07-01
My Parents told me I shouldn't go outside. There are too many things out there that are a danger to me.
Death, Famine, Depression, War, Drugs, AIDS, Recession, Nuclear Waste, Oil Spill, Murder, Rape, Robbery, Martha Stewart!
They cancelled Pokemon for this?
My fellow Americans, I did not have sexual relations with that woman....

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
Today Pope Damien announced that it would acknowledge same sex marriages.
Good work my son
Pope Damien also told reporters that he was in abused as a child by his father and forced to watch re-runs of Bousom Buddies
Hey I never did that! What a ingrate, what a liar, what an evil man he has become! What a good kid.
After our interview with Pope Damien he set fire to the Vatican.

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
Here we see a forest in Yellowstone national park. I would have a picture of Old Faithful but the film of that section was ruined.
Next up we have a scene from the badlands. This was an extremely hot day. My dad finished off his entire cantene of water that day.
At least we thought it was water till the poliece pulled us over and made my dad take the field sobriety test.

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
So tell us a little about yourself Mr..?
It's John.
What is your last name John?
It's John, Just John.
Would it be ok if we called you John John the Leprechaun?
As long as you don't mind being called: John just broke his foot off in your ass.

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
On the field of battle there can be only one winner. Only one person can climb to the top of the mountain and claim victory.
This punk is going down!
Sometimes combat can escalate to a whole new level where the combatants develop a mutual respect for one another.
Take that fanboy!
Gaa!
And then other times someone will get so scared that they just up and crap themselves.
That's it I'm outta here.
Opps I think I had an accident.

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
Thomas the scientist wondered what the effects of LSD would be on a man of science. Foolishly he decided to use himself as a guinea Pig. Let's check in on him and see how he's doing.
Oh God I think I'm gonna die.
I wonder what's wrong with him?
I can taste what your thinking!!!

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
What are you so happy about?
I met a girl and she's everything I dreamed of.
You mean that girl over there?
Julie?
"Her" name is Jarome dude. Keep your stuff on that side of the cell from now on.
You wouldn't happen to have andy Lead underpants I could borrow, would ya?

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
Dear Sir, It has been brought to our attention that you do not use any Microsoft products. A new law just passed...
requires all Americans to own at least some version of Windows or at least Microsoft Outlook.
I don't even own a computer!
Not owning a computer is not an excuse. One will be sent to you and your wages will be garnished to make up for the cost of it.

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
So earlier tonight I had this problem. I drank way too much beer and needed someplace to go.
Aww dammit, I forgot the rest of the joke.
Get off the stage hippie, you suck!
Oh, now I remember the joke. You see I couldn't find a place to go so I just used all the empty beer bottles and sold them back to the club.
That's it ya tree hugger, your going down!

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
School was terrible today. The teacher told me I have a book report due next week.
Normally this wouldn't be so bad. I'm usually pretty good at these things.
I don't think Cliffs Notes covers the Necronomicon tho.
Looking for me?

 

by Fracture
2-07-01
So, did you and your wife clear up that problem you guys were having?
I think so.
What do you mean?
We both decided that she could get around better if I didn't nail her feet to the floor.
That must have been a tough decision. You ran out of beer didn't you?

 

by Fracture
2-08-01
Since the dawn of time man has struggled to find the perfect tool. A tool that would allow them to build stronger houses, better desks and chairs, stronger railroads.
Man can now relax knowing that the perfect tool has come, in the shape of a nail.
Steves Nails. They were strong enough to hold up a god. They are strong enough to hold togeather your sons fort.

 

by Fracture
2-08-01
Lets see. Now that the digital age is upon us I can finally spread hate and lies across the world without leaving hell.
Welcome! You've got mail!
Mail eh? Let's see what mortal would dare e-mail Satan.
Dear prince of evil. It has come to our attention that your new webpage www.burninhell.com doesn't currently generate any revenue. We here at the "Bend you Over" Ad Agency would like to sign you up...
Screw this. I'll go with plan B. Chain Letters.

 

by Fracture
2-08-01
Hello viewers welcome to another episode of the wierd wild tales of Gunther Shultz, ace reporter for the In Vitro Gazzete.
I stand here today with top scientist Hermin Berkawitz. Mr Berkawitz what new invention do you have for us today?
I just made a device that dispenses jello shots. Once eaten these will cause a persons insides to melt.
Wait, did he say Jello?
You ate one didn't you?

 

by Fracture
2-08-01
I Yam we Todd did. I Yam sofa king, we Todd did.
Who is the Sofa King?
Ok if you don't get this joke say that first pannel out loud a few times.
Oh Man I fell for that?
Gotcha

 

by Fracture
2-10-01
Time to scare this jerk out of the graveyard.
What the hell is that?
Braggahhah!!!
Ok I'm out of here. Aunt Flo can pick her own damn flowers!
Good job Scamper. Now I just need you and your breathren to do me one more thing.
Dude, I hope it invloves us getting you some pants. Your scaring the maggots.

 

by Fracture
2-11-01
Anything interesting happening at work lately?
Well yesterday this woman came up to me and asked if I wanted to go to lunch.
And?
I told her I brought my lunch in a bag. And then she ran away screaming.
Why was that?
Well, it was a bodybag.

 

by Fracture
2-13-01
So have you started that project yet?
What project?
The one where we have to power downtown LA with a potatoe?
Why would we have to do that?
I got 2 words for ya...
Deregulated Power?

 

by Fracture
2-14-01
So this is hell huh? This doesn't seem so bad tho. I mean it could be worse.
Have you seen the TV shows yet?
No What's on?
An eternal marathon of Dukes of Hazzard.
TNN, We got pop.

 

by Fracture
2-15-01
Last year my class and I came out here to the woods for a 2 day hike. Things were going ok until we stumbeled upon this wierd old man.
He was completely naked with a pinecone between his butt-cheeks. Running around chasing after the chipmunks and screaming, "I'll get you and all your base too!"
And that's when I knew we'd need the wooden badger.

 

by Fracture
4-19-01
You were in charge of the traditionals of Writhlings wedding.
What are those?
You know. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.
I've got just the thing.
And what Might that be?
BALLS!

 

by Fracture
5-21-01
So what your telling me is that your zebra likes to play the Xylophone?
Yeah, she's really very good too! You should see her play chopsticks.
I'm finding it difficult to believe that an animal that doesn't have opposable thumbs, or even fingers to speak of, could possibly play an instrument that uses mallets.
Oh, well she doesn't use mallets.
Well, her hooves are just too big, right?
Well, they were at one point. But you would be amazed what you could do with a good belt sander. Now it's just a question of finding her the right shoes.

 

by Fracture
5-21-01
At some point humanity came to the peak of scientific research and man was able to make clones of himself
Hi.
Hi.
Unforseen were the drastic consequences this act of god would entail upon the populace of Earth.
What do you want to do tonight?
I don't know. What do you want to do tonight?
Well I was gonna go sleep with my girlfriend but I guess you did that already today didn't you?
Yeah, sorry 'bout that.

 

by Fracture
5-23-01
Welcome back to Quiz Show. The show where you ask the contestants questions and they try their best to not look like complete assess.
Here is a question from Samantha in Jacksonville, Kentucky. Are you ready John?
Umm, sure I guess.
She wants to know if you’re single?
Oh boy I was so hoping this show would be my fast track to getting lucky!
She goes on to say that she certainly hopes so because the idea of you procreating is rather revolting.
Hey Alex that wasn't in the form of a question.

 

by Fracture
5-24-01
Ok this is for the championship. After this next move the online chess world will be mine!
Checkmate!
NOOOO!!!! God damn you!
No, God damnd you... Bitch!

 

by Fracture
5-24-01
Dude I got fired from my job last week.
Man that sucks.
Yeha, no kidding. And to make things worse my Girlfriend dumped me yesterday over the phone.
Man that blows.
And then just today, I acidentally punctured your girldfriends lung with a nailgun.
That's ok she didn't suck or blow.

 

by Fracture
6-12-03
They got us slaving away down here why those monkeis up top get all the credit.
I tell's ya Smiddy some days it don't even pay to get up in the morning.
I'm not wearin any pants.
And there goes the last fleeting chance I had at keeping my lunch down.

 

by Fracture
6-12-03
Bring out Beck God dammit! I payed 34 dollars to see his herky jerky Ass!
If I just wanted to sit around watching curtins all day I'd be at home!
I mean I'd be at your home, fucking your mom!

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