All comics by JimmyHollywood

 

Brush with greatness. by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Dum de dum de... HEY! Dude, you're Brad Pitt! Dude! Can I have your autograph?		I just bagged Minnie Driver. Wanna smell my finger?

 

Sean Connery's Secrets of Romance. by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Uhhh... Uhm, excuse me, Sean Connery? I'm Brad Pitt.	Uhhh... Look, I've been having some relationship problems. I wonder if I could ask you for some advice... what's your secret to success with women?	I've got a huge cock. Holy shit, dude. Your cock is huge!

 

Sean Connery pays his respects to the new 'A' list. by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Uhh... Hello Larry. It's LAWRENCE, bitch. Call me LAWRENCE. No, wait, call me Mr. Fishburne. No, fuck that... Call me Sir. Don't look at me. I'm Lawrence fuckin' Fishburne you liver spot old bitch.	Uhh... Would you care to rephrase that, son? Yeah. Yeah, I would. Suck my dick you has-been old fart. Fuckin' li'l bitch. Don't look at me. I'm Lawrence fuckin' Fishburne. I oughta kick your punk ass, bitch. Fuckin' James Bond faggot.	NEVER FUCK WITH A SCOTSMAN, LAWRENCE! Shit, man... Call me Larry...

 

Steven Spielberg graciously accepts the Oscar. by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Well first I'd like to thank the Academy... [yadda yadda]	I'd also like to thank the producers... [yadda yadda]	...but most of all I'd like to thank the armies of Korean children who animated all my movies for 3¢ a day while taking a break from manufacturing Nike shoes. Last week we bought a potato.

 

Robert Downey Jr. gets fired from Ally McBeal by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Look, Bob... you're not working out... the drinking is out of control... you come to work hung over... you leave after shooting two scenes... Go puke up your lunch, Calista. It's self-righteous whores like you that make me drink.	I mean, I don't think you're a bad guy or anything... Ohhh... ooooohhh...	Look, for fuck's sake, Bob, this is Hollywood. If you're going to be addicted to something, it has to be COCAINE. I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go... *RAWLF*

 

Dean Haglund scores. by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Hi Julia Roberts. I'm Dean Haglund of X-Files fame. Would you go out with me? Didn't you have a spinoff series that was cancelled after 3 episodes?	No, you're thinking of Tom Braidwood. Anyway, I was wondering if you'd like to go out for dinner, or drinks, or maybe... Yeah, it was called The Lone Horsemen or something.	Gunmen. -- no -- I mean -- Uhhh... look, I'm the last guy in Hollywood that Gwyneth Paltrow hasn't given herpes to. So what do you say? Put a bag over your head and don't touch my tits.

 

Celebrity Boxing: Epilogue by JimmyHollywood 4-11-02
Danny Bonaduce and Barry Williams became close after their appearance on Celebrity Boxing... Hey Barry. Hey Danny.	Got any money? I spent everything from Celebrity Boxing on whores and needle drugs. Nope. I sent it all to a TV preacher. I'm going to heaven. Say, know any place we can get a bed and some regular meals?	Yup. This doesn't look good. I bet homeboys will line up around the cellblock to cornhole a Brady kid.

 

Under the Knife pt 1 by JimmyHollywood 4-12-02
In the office of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon... Look, Mistah Chackson, you're going to have to come out of zat robe sometime.	If you're self conscious about ze look of ze latest batch of skin treatments, perhaps ve can vork through it togezer.	Sweet mother of Jesus, what have I done?

 

Under the Knife pt 2 by JimmyHollywood 4-12-02
In the office of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon... You've turned me into a freak. Don't vorry Mistah Chackson, ve are only half done. Vhen ve haf finished ze treatments, your skin will be ze fairest on earth.	I want to go home. Nonsense, Mistah Chackson. All vill be vell.	Okay. When you've fixed my face, can you give me six penises? Haf you considered ze possibility zat a plastic surgeon might not be ze only doctor you need to see?

 

Under the Knife pt 3 by JimmyHollywood 4-12-02
In the office of Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon... 10, 9, 8... 7... zzzzzzz... Good, ze anaesthetics have taken effect. Now I can complete ze skin lightening operation...		Three hours later... Vell Mistah Chackson, vhat do you think? You're a genius!

 

Living. by JimmyHollywood 4-12-02
Hello, I'm Martha Stewart. On today's show, we're going to entertain for a Hollywood 'A' list party! First thing we need is an icebreaker. Something to start conversation during cocktails.	Here we have a pile of cocaine that's been rolled into large balls and made into a snowman. Isn't that adorable?	And now for supper, we're going to slaughter, gut and roast a free-range chicken.

 

Cornered. by JimmyHollywood 4-12-02
I'll hold them off, Susie. You get away while there's still time. No, Jeremy. I won't leave you. I love you.	Don't be stupid, get away! They won't catch us both. My death will not be in vain! Life without you wouldn't be living. I'm staying!	What the...? Then I'm getting the fuck out of here. Why the fuck should BOTH of us die? Try and make them take a long time killing you so I have more time to get away, woudya?

 

What ever happened to... by JimmyHollywood 4-26-02
...Gary Coleman? Whoa!... you're like... Gary Coleman! Whoa... I'm Keanu Reeves... Yeah, so what?	I used to, like, watch Diff'rent Strokes all the time! Say something cute, Arnold! Shut up, bitch. I'm a security guard now. I ain't gotta do nothin'. My residual cheques are 35¢ a week. I don't owe you shit!	Whoa. Hey, I think I can hook you up with another Orkin commercial. Whatchoo talkin' bout, Keanu?

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