All comics by Leil

Profile

 

by Leil
12-22-01
So you're telling me, with a straight face, and with no shame, that you drink cough medicine to get high?
This is correct.
Do you have any idea how lame that is?
You speak out of ignorance. Your opinion has neither validity nor value.
It's fucking cough syrup! I'm gonna go drink beer and think about how creative and enlightened I am.
Phillistine.

 

by Leil
12-23-01
Dude, Johnson, I knew it was going to be a bad day today. When I woke up, she asked me if she looked fat.
Oh, no. You didn't actually try to answer the question, did you? You know there's no right answer. 'No' is just as bad as 'Yes' when it comes to that question.
I thought I'd try something new, so I told here that I didn't think she was fat, but if she felt bad about it, she should try going to the gym.
That's not the right answer either, is it Cardoza?
At least we don't live together, so I still have my own bed to sleep in, and I don't have to sleep on the couch.
You should have changed the subject.

 

by Leil
12-23-01
So, I think the big thing for her about if she's fat is that she thinks she's not desirable any more. So I tried to show her that she still is by getting tender with her.
Dude, he just referred to sex as "getting tender."
So I tried to surprise her, and I came over to her house, and got undressed, and snuck into her bed....
Oh god, I don't want to think about him getting tender with anybody.
...that's when I found out that she sleeps with a knife under her pillow when I'm not there.
At least now I don't have to worry about him reproducing......phillistine.

 

by Leil
12-23-01
Dad, do I really have to wear this to school? The other kids are gonna give me the business!
They're going to anally rape you?!?!?!
What?! No, I mean they're going to make fun of me! Since when does 'the business' mean anal rape?
Well that's what it meant when I was your age.
But, Leave It To Beaver was made when you were my age, and they said 'the business' all the time.
I know. Sick, isn't it? Why do you think they called him the beaver?

 

by Leil
12-24-01
Dude, I got hugged by a porn star.
Dude, sweet!
It wasn't really a big deal or anything. She was kind of trashy actually.
Dude, but she's a porn star! I probably would have blown it in my pants!
Dude, it's not like porn is the greatest thing in the world. It's just people fucking.
Phillistine.

 

by Leil
12-24-01
Satan, let me ask you something...how is it that you were able to rebel against God when you were an angel, and God didn't give angels free will?
Uh....well....Gee, I'm not really sure, But I must have because I'm here right. I mean, somebody's got to be responsible for everything bad in the world, right?
But, since you still have no free will, and God is more powerful than you, how can it be possible that you can even do anything that God doesn't want you to do?
Well that's a complicated subject best left to the biblical scholars......
So, based on every applicable logical argument, it's not really possible for you to do anything that you're rumored to do, is it?
Oh no! Logic! I'm melting!!!!! I'm melting!!! Oh what a world, what a world.

 

by Leil
1-02-02
Ha Ha! Now we have you in our clutches! You thought you could evade us, didn't you, Azure Pony?
Azure Pony? Um, my name's Ferris. I'm a student from Idaho. I'm just here in Austrailia to study the rainforests and the coral.
I'm sure that's what you'd like us to beleive, but we know you are the Azure Pony, the most feared and beautiful international spy in the world!
I really don't know what you're talking about, please don't hurt me, I'll do anything.....you really think I'm beautiful?
Well, I do appreciate the complement, but I really can't be separated from the rest of my group for very long, so I'll have to destroy you now. Hiya!

 

by Leil
1-03-02
Well, here I go, getting on the plane to Austrailia, and you won't see me for 6 weeks. Will you miss me?
Well it's not like you're going to be gone all that long. You'll be back before you know it.
Well I guess I'll get going then.
Well, be careful. *kiss* Don't step on anything toxic.
I miss you already. Come back soon. I love you.

 

by Leil
1-05-02
So Jesus, I saw somebody with one of those WWJD stickers on their car, and it got me thinking, just exactly what you would do in a lot of modern day situations.
For example?
Well, there are a lot of situations where people invoke your name, and take a stance on something because they beieve it's what you'd do in that siuation.
Well, I really appreciate that, assuming they've got it right, that is. I mean, if they've really got a grasp on my teachings, I love to see people helping to spread my word.
So, people like Jerry Falwell are ok by you then?
Oh fuck no, I hate that bastard. I keep wanting to strike him dead, but my dad won't let me. He says it's better if we let him live so we can send his followers to Hell with him.

 

by Leil
1-07-02
The following situation is something that is probably happening right now between my girlfriend's obnoxious roommate and some unsuspecting Austrailian guy.
G'day mister Austrailian man, I am an American student.
Uh...g'day. Something I can do for you?
Oh, I was just wondering if I could borrow your boomerang.
I don't have a boomerang.
Let's have a big hand for "Liz," lowering the world's opinion of Americans, one continent at a time.
What? I thought all you people carried them at all times! Oh well, nevermind. Say, what's the difference between Austrailia and New Zealand anyway?
Crikey, are all Americans this stupid?

 

by Leil
1-07-02
So, what, are you like retarded or something? This is a much better picture for me than that other one.
You mean this one?
Yeah. Jesus Dave, that one doesn't even have the right hair color.
Yeah, you're right. Hey, maybe I should change mine to this one, it's better looking.
No, the other one is fine. And stop changing the damn background!
Yes dear.

 

by Leil
1-07-02
But honey, I can't keep this comic as me. Now you're bigger than me.
Is that threatening to your masculinity? What difference does that make anyway? The last two panels are the first time we've ever been in the same strip!
Look, it's just a matter of principle. I'm going with this one from now on.
That's riddiculous! You're not even black! And aren't there any other comics of this girl? Do I always have to look so confused?
Well how about this one? It looks a little like me.
Well it does give an accurate representation of how goddamn big your head is. And why the fuck are we standing in front of the whitehouse?

 

by Leil
1-07-02
Ok, here it is. I can't find a comic that looks like me, so I'm just going to be a stick figure.
Ok, now you're not even trying. And why the fuck am I so goddamn confused?
Well it's not my damn fault there isn't a single male comic that even has red hair!
Have you considered being that big red robot? That thing looks kind of like you.
Oh god, I want to die.
Maybe I'm not confused, maybe I'm just pensive.

 

by Leil
1-07-02
See? There is one with red hair. That one looks just fine.
Pip already has dibs on this one.
Well, you and Pip will just have to share.
I don't think that's going to work
Cardoza, what the hell are you doing using my picture?
Damn.......phillistine.

 

by Leil
1-07-02
How about if I used one of the ones that's not even human, like a representative kind of thing?
Like what?
Like this one. It's cool!
Oh Jesus, take it away, it creeps me out!
How about this one? I died for your sins. Oooooo! I'm spooky crucified Jesus!
That's wrong in so many ways.

 

by Leil
1-07-02
Grrrr!!!!! I'm a scary shark.
If it's at all possible, this is a worse idea than you being Jesus. And sharks don't say grrr.
Oh fuck it, I give up.
Grrr

 

by Leil
1-08-02
There you go Cardoza, that's perfect for you. He's got the red hair, he's got a cat, he looks like he takes it in the ass, he looks just like you
Johnson, I hate you so much.
Seriously Cardoza, you need to just pick one and get it over with, this series of strips is getting boring.
Well if you hadn't picked the only good one that looked even remotely like me....
Christ, don't blame me.
Still, if it wasn't for the fact that this guy looks like he takes it in the ass.....

 

by Leil
1-08-02
All right Johnson, I've decided. From now on, I will be Gabe_manhattan, in honor of my desire to go to school in New York.
Sounds like a good idea Cardoza
I just hope Ferris approves.
Dude, you should really make her give you back the keys to your dick.
What do you think of this one honey?
Oh, whatever one you decide to use is fine with me baby.

 

by Leil
1-11-02
Having finally chosen an identity, our hero returns to figting crime.
What? I don't fight crime. What the fuck are you talking about?
Our hero bravely fights to vanquish the forces of evil.
What up Cardoza?
I don't know. The fucking narrator seems to think I'm a crime fighter for some reason.
Our hero is a Phillistine.
I'm not a fucking crime fighter, and Phil isn't the forces of evil! And don't call me a Phillistine, you fuck!

 

by Leil
1-12-02
You can't call me a jackass for that Johnson, how was I supposed to know that Gabe_manhattan was Crow.
If you'd paid any attention to their strips you couldn't have possibly missed it
Why would I read their strips? I've met them once, I don't know them, and anyway it's not like Crow and I will ever appear in the same strip.
You already have.
Didn't you read my strip from yesterday?
Yeah, like that counts. We appear in the same strip because you put us there so you could call me a jackass. Jackass.

 

by Leil
1-16-02
Red Robot, I'm worried. With all this new technology coming out, we're in danger of becoming obsolete.
That sounds like a very valid concern Clango.
Human beings will no doubt create new and improved robots that can do my job better and faster, and I will be cast aside like so much dead weight.
Lucky for me all I do is rip peoples limbs off. Yes sir, not much room for improvement there.
But what if they come up with a robot just like you that isn't red, so people don't see you and run when you go to rip their limbs off?
Oh my God! No, it could never happn......could it?

 

by Leil
1-19-02
Dude, Dave, that last strip was so lame, I'm embarassed to have been a part of it.
Look Redrobot, you have to look at it from a creative point of view. I mean, that last panel was a metaphor for the human condition.
But it wasn't funny at all. I mean, if you're going to make a strip that's not funny that's fine, but don't try to put a punchline on it!
You know, for a robot whose sole purpose is ripping people limb from limb, you certainly are pretty intellectual.
You're right, I've lost touch with my roots. I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!!
That's more like it.

 

by Leil
1-20-02
Hey Bongo, what's up?
Up? Why should anything be up? Get away from me, it's mine. My own, my precious!
Precious? Oh, I assume you're talking about the ring then. See, the thing is, the ring is fictional, Bongo.
Ha! Then what do you call this RING that I have right here?
That's the Thundercats power ring from Lion-O. You bought it at a yard sale. It doesn't even have a battery in it.
You may be right. The REAL ring of power probably isn't plastic.

 

by Leil
1-20-02
I think all transactions in the bank should be a race, where the loser gets hit in the head with a brick.
Anybody who fails to get all their shit together during the hour and a half they're waiting in line for every other disorganized asshole to complete their transactions, hit with a brick.
People who try to ask the teller lady some long, involved question about interest rates or retirement accounts, or any other such shit, hit with a brick.
If you have a big, long question, take it to the lady with the big desk. That's what she's there for. That's why they give her the BIG FUCKING DESK!! Think of the teller booth as a little desk.
If you have a little question, take it to the little desk, BIG QUESTIONS, GO TO THE BIG FUCKING DESK! All booth and window transactions should be completed in under 3 minutes.
Anybody over 3 min will be held down by every person behind them in line and beaten until they promise to fill out the deposit slip beforehand next time.

 

by Leil
1-20-02
I'm not going to say that I'm the best driver in the world. God knows I have my moments, but why is it that I'm the only person on the road who seems to have a firm grasp on the use of the merge lane?
I mean, we all know it's called the merge lane, right? And since we all know that, you would think that people could figure out that it's the lane that you use to merge.
And more importantly, that it is NOT THE LANE YOU STOP IN AND WAIT FOR ALL THE TRAFFIC TO PASS BY YOU WHILE 30 CARS BACK UP BEHIND YOU WAITING FOR YOUR DUMB ASS TO MOVE!
AND WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT, WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK THAT I CAN READ YOUR MIND, AND THAT I KNOW YOU'RE PLANNING TO CHANGE LANES TO WITHIN 2" OF MY FRONT BUMPER.
I guess really the thing I'm getting at is the fact that people in general seem to have a tendency to just not think before they undertake certain activities or behaviors.
The result of this is something that I call, "Doesn't that hurt?" Syndrome. The name is derived from the first thought that comes to my mind : "Doesn't it hurt to have your head so far up your ass?"

 

by Leil
1-21-02
Dude, Dave, you forgot to make a strip #7 in the identity crisis series. You just went from 6 to 8.
I know dude, shut up. I'll just call this strip Identity Crisis, part seven, and nobody will be the wiser.

 

by Leil
1-22-02
Cardoza, that last panel was idiotic. Don't you realize that your comics are catalogued by date, so "Identity Crisis #7 will appear weeks after the rest of the series.
Johnson, shut up! You're going to blow my cover!
Blow your cover? What the fuck are you talking about?
I'm serious Johnson, if you don't shut up I'm going to shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be flossing with my shoelaces.
Cardoza, why do you always have to resort to threats of physical violence?
I'll tell you all about it after I beat the shit out of you.

 

by Leil
1-22-02
Hey Neal, I heard the Reverend Al Sharpton is thinking about running for president! Can you beleive it?
Well, it's cool and all, but it's not like he's the first black man to try it.
What? Name one other black man who's tried it.
Well General Colin Powell ran for the republican nomination in this last election.
I said a black man. Seriously, I'm blacker than Colin Powell.
Yeah, I guess you're right.

 

by Leil
1-29-02
Dude, I don't want to make comics. I'm busy playing Pokemon.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok Johnson, you've earned this one.
What the fuck?
Seriously Johnson, if you want to play Pokemon, you have to be the cat guy who takes it in the ass.
So now I suppose you'll be claiming Gabe_Kovacs for yourself?
Nah, I dig Gabe_Manhattan, and I don't think Crow really cares.

 

by Leil
1-11-03
It really scares me when the the president refers to our 'enemies' as the "Axis of Evil"
Because it's like he's acting out some frustrated childhood dream of being a superhero.
Like him and Cheney and Rumsfeld have secret meetings in the oval office, which they refer to as the "Hall of Justice."
They refer to the presidential cabinet as the "Superfriends' Computer"
They all have their own superhero names and costumes.
But Bush's costume is always in the wash because he keeps spilling soup on it.

 

by Leil
11-10-03
I'm converting to judaism. Because Jews don't have a Hell, which is perfect for me.
Because I plan on killing a lot of people
But I'm not doing the circumcision thing. Not that I'm afraid to have the surgery, it's purely a matter of principle.
See, I looked it up, and according to the Torah, the exchange for circumcision is Israel.
What the hell kind of trade-off is that? Were God and Abraham like trading baseball cards?
"Yeah, I'll give you my land of milk and honey rookie card if you give me... your dick skin card."

 

by Leil
12-14-03
So, my wife and I lived together for a year before we got married, so i thought I knew what I was getting into.
Alas.
I didn't know the rules. I didn't know that women were allowed to ask yes/no questions to which yes and no are both the wrong answer.
Like, "Do I look fat?" Now, we all know that 'yes' is wrong. And if I say no, she says I'm just trying to shut her up... which is accurate.
so I tried something different, I said "Well if you feel fat, why don't you try going to the gym?"
Fortunately I own a very comfortable couch.

 

by Leil
12-14-03
The other perilous yes/no question is a little easier to get out of if you're on your feet. "Do you think she's pretty"
If you think fast, you look in totally the opposite direction and go "What? Who?" And then if you're lucky the woman's out of sight and crisis averted.
But if she's still there then you have to deal with it, so you say something vague and non-committal, "She's all right."
And then she says "Well do you think she's prettier than me?" But now you have the upper hand.
"A-ha! I didn't say she was pretty at all, I just said she was okay!" "Well what does okay mean?" (dammit!) "It means I'd fuck her but I wouldn't pay for it."
Once again, I'm glad I have a very comfortable couch.

 

by Leil
5-16-04
I don't have any tattoos, because tatoos are cool
And I am not cool
If I got a tatoo it would be fallse advertisement
Unless I got a tatoo that told you how uncool I am
Like a star trek insignia on my arm, or a pocket protector on my chest
Or like Tupac, get one on my stomach, but instead of 'thug life' mine would say "Loser"

 

by Leil
5-29-04
The low carb diet revolution has got to be stopped.
I didn't pay much attention in health class, but one thing I remember was "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"
But what is it now with the low carb people? "An apple? Oh, no. Do you know how many carbs are in an apple?"
I'll just have some bacon, thank you.
It's getting to the point where you can't give away food. I had half a sandwich I wasn't going to eat, perfectly good, tried to give it to somebody, he's like, 'no thanks man, i'm watching my carbs'
i'm like, you're fucking homeless, are you kidding me?

 

by Leil
5-29-04
They're making low carb products now that shouldn't even exist. I saw low carb bread in the store the other day.
"Low carb bread, 33% fewer carbs" Also, it was 33% smaller.
My wife's on the low-carb, she's like a drug addict with the sugarfree candy and low-carb ice cream. It's terrible.
Worst part is, the sugarfree candy, it gives you the toots.
So she goes to bed a few hours before me.
I go in, pull back the covers, and my FACE MELTS OFF!

 

by Leil
7-08-04
My mother is a counselor, so I've basically been in therapy since I was a child. Anytime we were upset with each other, we were always requred to talk about it, and share our feelings.
Which is fine at home, but eventually I grew up, and learned that this is not the way the rest of the world communicates.
So, I'd be out at recess or something, playing baseball, and I'd be like, 'you know, johnny, when you call me a faggot, it doesn't make me play ball better, or run faster.
'In fact it makes me play worse, because that hurts my feelings. And maybe we should talk, if you want, about why you feel like you need to use that particular word.'
'I think we're all getting close to puberty, and maybe you're just acting out, trying to express some frustrating feelings you're having about your own sexuality.'
So I got beat up a lot.

 

by Leil
7-08-04
I think the worst beatings I ever endured were the school-sanctioned beatings.
Also known as dodgeball.
Yeah, chubby, dorky, and with a big head, that's 3 strikes against you before the teacher even blows the whistle.
I'd never even get a shot off, it was like (Boom) I'm out.
I'd crawl back to the corner and just start crying.
The other kids would be like, 'hey, he's crying, hit him again!'

Showing page 1.