All comics by Loomis

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by Loomis
9-04-02
A first meeting... innocent enough?
So, you want to come over and watch TV at my place tonight?
Okay then, Strange Internet Woman Who Shall Not Be Named.
Later...
I like Star Trek. Do you like Star Trek?
Nah, I find it to be ridiculously shallow and I can't stand 90% of the characters.
Danger! Danger! Warning, Will Robinson!
I was thinking that we could have our wedding down at the Gardens. How does July sound?
What the...!?

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Often distracted.
I need to figure out what her motivation will be at this juncture, otherwise the plot will seem rather flimsy.
Lissa strode through the cold marble hall, barely noticing the battle raging around her.
Always the last to know.
Hey suckhead, you know that Mum is gay, right?
Oh, okay.
And yet strangely unaffected.
So will she notice the painting of her father before or after the first confrontation?
There was no mistaking the man in the portrait; the eyes that looked back at the young girl were those of her father.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Watching TV at a friend's place on a Friday night/Saturday morning.
...
...
It's three in the morning, and we're watching documentaries on the Discovery Channel. Normally there's a procedure for times like this.
I can't drink because I'm on medication, and I don't have any weed.
...
...

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Ahah! Got you now, you villain!
Grr. Arg.
Urgent news?
Oi, poohead. Mum rang and said that Carl was in an accident and broke his leg.
When did this happen?
Three months ago.
I would have thought four.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
The climactic scene...
Are you breaking up with me?
No.
You're breaking up with me, aren't you? I knew it wouldn't last!
I told you I'm not breaking up with you.
Go on, leave me! Reject me like everybody else has! Maybe I'm *supposed* to be all alone!
Fine, fine. Psycho hosebeast.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Loomis at age seven.
Hey. Mum and Dad are getting divorced.
Oh. Nice of somebody to tell me this.
Parents divorced? Woohoo! This is like having a "Get out of jail free" card for school!

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
After having sat in a car being parallel-parked for the last five minutes...
Stop rushing me, I hate parallel parking!
Oh. For the love of God. Stop the car now.
Well, at least I'm off the road.
And conveniently far away from the footpath.
Ah, shaddap. Now you're just begging for an ass-kicking.
If you kick ass anything like you parallel park, I'm not in any immediate danger.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Having been dragged in for a "meeting"...
So you skipped work to go see The Lord of the Rings?
Yep. I was in the movie, and as I was given tickets to the premiere, I decided to go.
You think you've gotten away with it, don't you? I can hear you laughing at me in my head.
Riiight.
You show no remorse! I am utterly infuriated with you beyond words!
Okey dokey then. I'll be leaving now.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
7am...
So very sleepy...
3pm...
Zzzzz...
7pm...
Rise and shine!

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
One day in the Sound and Vision department...
Hey dude, do you guys have Gladiator 2?
Err, what?
You know, where the guy comes back to life and kills that chick.
Not that I'm aware of, no.
The customer leaves, and Loomis recalls Clerks fondly...
Yep, this job *would* be perfect if it wasn't for all the damn customers.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Rude woman on the phone...
I want you to get me a Guess Who boardgame, and I want you to hurry.
Okay, I'm looking at the last one now.
About time. Can you reserve that fo-
Oh, somebody's just taken it. I'm sorry. There might be one out the back.
Moral? Rude customers don't receive good service. Especially not from me.
Well can you look quickly, please. This call is costing me money.
One "Thirty Minute Runaround Special" coming right up.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Working Wednesday night at Kmart...
Now to put my cunning plan into action...
Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...
Ten minutes later...
Hey, can you tell me whe-
I'm sorry, I'm busy checking the prices on these televisions. We've been having trouble with the scanners lately.
Fruition!
Devilish in its simplicity... go Buffy, kick his ass!
Dawn's my sister, and you can't have her!

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Work begins...
"o/~ Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. o/~"
Ah, I love Christmas. Festive songs and joyous pepperminty treats abound.
Three hours later...
"o/~ Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. o/~"
Okay, that's disturbing. The store soundtrack appears to repeat every hour. I guess I can live with that.
Three days later...
"o/~ Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. o/~"
For the love of all that is sweet and merciful, somebody shoot me before I wipe out the customers.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
Late one night with Sara and Matthew...
Mmm, chocolate.
Okay, the one thing you *don't* need is more chocolate.
You're addicted to the stuff. You need to go on a twelve-step program or something.
Hey, she can barely walk *six* steps before she's exhausted. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must flee.
Get back here, you little toad!
I think you'd better take nine steps, Loomis, just in case she's been working out.

 

by Loomis
9-04-02
In certain situations sometimes my emotions cloud over everything and I mentally freak out (I have a great way of hiding it too).
Hmm. On a tangent, I've become very good at totally hiding emotions such as disappointment, jealousy, envy, even attraction to somebody.
Really?
Yeah, it makes some people think I'm "so wonderful" at times when I'm actually planning on killing them and burying them in concrete. ^_^
I like to think about stabbing them forcefully and repeatedly while carrying on normal conversation.
...

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
He talks.
Squee.
Quiet, Norgabee.
He gets louder.
Squeeeee!
Shush, Pig!
And louder!
SQUEEEEEEEEEE!
That's it! You need time-out in... "The Hole"!

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
An eerie silence falls over the house.
It's awfully quiet. I have the strangest feeling that I'm forgett- oh hell!
I hope he's okay in there. It's been three hours.
Contrition.
I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good.
Oh, Pockeypig. I promise I'll never forget about you again until the next time it happens.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Okay, I guess I'll see you later, maybe.
Yep.
Okay, time to finish writing that short story...
One week later.
Uh Loomis, just so I know, did we break up?
Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you? Sorry.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
What if you just go over territory that other people have gone over in *their* comics?
That's okay, these strips are based on events and people from my life. Naturally there may be coincidences.
Well, aren't you worried that the majority of your comics will be in-jokes and references that nobody but your friends and family will understand?
That's okay. They're the main audience for these strips. The appreciation of strangers is a bonus.
Well, what if people realise that most of this stuff just isn't funny to begin with? What then?
That's it. You've earned yourself a comic strip, mister.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
That damn catchy tune...
o/~ Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated? o/~
Okay, I think I've listened to this song enough for one day.
o/~ Somebody else, round everyone else, watching your back, like you can't relax... o/~
Eh? I thought I turned Winamp off.
Okay, the profile says "Mostly True".
Damn it, Avril. For the last time, go home!
But I look kinda like Sarah Michelle Gellar, eh. Don't you think so, you hoser?

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Meeting my older sister's man-friend for the first time.
Oi, hedgepig, this is Sam. He's from England. We met playing Ultima Online.
Hey.
So... how long are you in New Zealand for?
I haven't decided yet. I have enough money to last me a few months, though.
I'll go check with Interpol just in case.
I like him a lot. He has DVDs.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Comic Relief In "Fable".
So the first pirate says to the second pirate, "Of course I didn't understand the joke, you only told me the punchline!"
Bahahahahaha!
Wahahahahaha!
Ah, good times, good times.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Rehearsing a scene from "Fable", set in the mercenary camp...
Okay, let's try that line *again*.
Cups!
No! You're not getting the inflection right. You're supposed to be resigned, yet determined. Try again.
Cups!
To be continued...
Look, you're supposed to be gambling against a master who will beat you no matter what, but the situation is forcing your hand. Again!
Cups!

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Continued from Part Two...
Le sigh. Forget it, we'll move on to something else.
I really thought I had it that first time.
A week later.
Nice car... what are those compartments for?
Cups, you idiot.
Matthew, once again, misses the point.
Oh my god! You had it! That's exactly what we need!
What, cup holders?

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
The four gather for a read-through of the screenplay...
Right, so you'll be these characters, Morag will be these ones, and Matthew will be playing those ones.
Sounds straightforward enough.
So, what are we doing? Do I have Mordenkainen's Faithful Watchdog cast?
Er, we're reading through a script here, Matthew, not playing D&D.
If you even *think* about "attacking the darkness", I'll kick your ass.
I wasn't going to.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Loomis at his first day as an orc for the Lord of the Rings movies.
Right, you've got the prosthetics on? Okay, because we're evil, we're giving you the most uncomfortable set of armour we can find.
Riiight... I'll deal with it; this is the chance of a lifetime.
Okay, you're good to go. Hang out at the mess tent for the next six hours or so. Eat hotdogs and pick on the hobbits.
Fine. I'll bear the discomfort and indignity because I care about my art.
Six hours later...
Okay, it looks like you won't be able to wear that armour after all, not in this scene. Just take it off.
If my arms hadn't seized up two hours ago I'd hit you *so* hard right about now.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Okay, for this 30-second scene we want you guys running up that hill as fast as is possible when you're wearing armour and carrying heavy weapons. This shoot will probably take about six hours.
That seems a little excessive. Why's it going to take so long?
Well, the grass is wet, very long, and you're all wearing loose-fitting, oversized shoes. It's also midnight, and there are numerous holes dotted around the ground. Accidents happen, you know.
This is starting to sound a little dangerous.
Well, the director has been having a bad day. We thought watching you guys repeatedly slipping over and rolling down a steep hill into patches of gorse would help cheer him up.
No wonder we had to sign NDAs.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Loomis talks with a fellow cast member.
So anyway, I've been an extra in Hercules, Xena, and several other shows quite a few times now.
Sounds neat. Let me just write your name and details down here...
What's with the notepad?
I'm keeping a record of all the people in New Zealand who have ever had a role in a TV show or movie.
Note for foreign viewers: Shortland Street is the national soap opera, and it seems like just about everybody has starred in it at one point or another. :P
Wouldn't that take a ridiculously long time?
Well, I'm not including the 85% of the population who have already appeared on Shortland Street.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Basically it is just a matter of babbling a stream of pretentious waffle, but the one key phrase you'll *never* go wrong with is "juxtaposition of self".
No, seriously, that's it.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Basically it is just a matter of babbling a stream of pretentious waffle, but the one key phrase you'll *never* go wrong with is "juxtaposition of self".
Yes, I realise this seems awfully similar to the advice about art, but that's the beauty of the "juxtaposition of self".

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
Dammit! Stupid computer! I don't recall asking you to crash, do you?!
A surprise visitor.
Dammit! Dammit! Dammit!
Er... Katie, let's go see your mother, shall we?
Quick thinking saves the day.
What's up?
Sara, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your sister has been teaching your daughter all sorts of bad things.

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
At the "Prince Albert Old English Pub" with Jenn...
I'll have the fish, I think. What are you going to have?
Interesting menu. I think I'll "Ride the Big One".
Later... (The Big One being a beef schnitzel covered with cheese, bacon, and salsa, you sickos.)
You're looking a bit green there. You don't *have* to eat the whole thing, you know!
Yes I do. The only things I'll be eating for the rest of the week are tuna sandwiches with chilli sauce. I'm a bachelor now, remember?
After lunch, and a victory over the food...
Heh. You rode Prince Albert's big one.
And so it begins. I'm never going to hear the end of this, am I?

 

by Loomis
9-05-02
"1 wi11 haxx0r j00"? Who the hell would think that that kind of comic strip is the slightest bit interesting?
Hey, you write observational comedy. What makes you think people will find *that* interesting?
I don't write observational comedy, I write personal-experience comedy. There's a significant difference.
And what is that difference, precisely?
Observational comedy revolves around taking a petty aspect of life that only a complete moron would have issues with, and then elevating it to the level of "world crisis" a la Jerry Seinfeld.
Point taken.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Walking through town with Jenn...
And see that hair salon? One of the girls who works there has won international awards for her work.
You obviously don't get your hair done by her, then.
Bitch. I do so. So my hair's a little frizzy today.
I'm sorry. I have a bad habit of automatically responding to easy targets with snappy one-liners.
That's going to get you into serious trouble one day.
What's important is that I've never got my come-uppance, and I never will.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
One lazy afternoon...
Well, I can't say I'm the least bit surprised.
What are you watching?
Some TV special. Keanu Reeves has finally come out about his condition.
I apologise if my "acting" lead you to believe that I was only *playing* a robot... in every single one of my movies... except possibly the Bill and Ted ones.
Dorothy still loves you, Tin Man!

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Karen logs on to Ultima Online...
Muahaha! It is I, Amalye, here to toy with the emotions of all puny male plebeians!
I worship you, female player! I'll do whatever you command!
Give me all your equipment, then delete your character.
Right away, mistress! Does this mean I get your email address? Will you go out with me?
Being an actual female player kicks ass.
Mom will be so happy I've finally got a girlfriend.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Life moves pretty fast; if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
When Cameron was in Egypt's land... let my Cameron goooo...
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career, and they never doubted it for a second.
Well, I think you should be sorry, for Christ's sake! A family member dies, and you insult me! What the hell is the matter with you anyway?
Cut it out. You are *not* Ferris Bueller.
Heartless wench!

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
And now for something completely different.
We apologise for the first panel in this comic strip. It was in fact intended to be the *third* panel. Those responsible have been sacked.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
I'm feeling particularly uninspired today. I'll check out alt.support.shyness, that's always good for a laugh.
Bahahahahah! Wahahahahah! Oh, mercy!
Okay, not only do I feel a whole lot better about *my* life now, but I have the subject for the next comic strip, too. Things are looking up.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
I have been reading your comic strips, and I'm not happy with them. I don't like the way I'm being portrayed.
Hey, I've been *generous* with your character. In real life you don't even know what the word "portrayed" means, let alone how to spell it.
Fine! From now on I won't say anything at all, just so you can't go and turn it into a comic.
Bah. Don't worry, I'll go easy on you from now on. In fact, I won't put you in any future strips.
So, for example, none of *this* conversation will ever appear on the Net?
Scout's honour.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Jenn talks about Vaughn.
I'm extremely multiorgasmic, and I get grumpy, irritable and just plain unstable if I go more than a week without sex.
What on Earth possesses you to share these things with me?
I've been making a pair of riveted leather S&M cuffs to use; Vaughn and I are both dom. Ooh, I do *so* love hard bodies, and he's a black belt in three martial arts.
Why must you cause my poor brain suffering?
I'm cooking him dinner on Saturday, then we're not leaving the bedroom until Sunday afternoon. That's the current plan. Ah, two warriors, what a divine match.
You're not listening to me, are you?

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Asian girls, rotor turbine cowboys, Tobor, random nonsensical crap, the phrase "Sucky sucky", third-panel fires, Transformers...
What are you doing?
Compiling a list of worn-out Stripcreator comic clichés that I want to avoid using at all costs.
That list includes "comics about avoiding clichés", too, right?
Moh!
Yeah, you can't use that one either.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
My family are in a bit of financial trouble again and I'm going home to bail them out, hopefully. I'll be working all holiday to pay back their debts so the divorce can be finalised and stuff.
Why are *you* the one who has to pay back this loan, exactly?
It is a debt of $20,000 or so that didn't come from a bank so now the people want it back, and it's in my name so I'm the one they'll come after.
How do I always manage to find these people?
Two weeks later.
My holiday was crap - I worked 2 outta the 3 weeks from 6 until 6 every day on a farm to earn the money to pay the debt and then to top it all off while I was out my great uncle died.
You're like a magnet for all the misfortune of the universe, aren't you? Does anything good *ever* happen to you? ^_-

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Sorry I haven't replied but I was in hospital with meningitis so I sorta couldn't get to a computer. Oh, and it's developed into some kind of unidentifiable virus.
Right. This wouldn't have anything to do with your "just a flu", would it? ^_-
Yeah. So I had a crap weekend and today I ended up in hospital again. They gave me an electric shock therapy thing but it was done wrong and so I started fitting and stuff. Real freaky.
Yeah, here we see the whole "magnet for unfortunate circumstances" coming into play again. >:)
So, do you want to go do something sometime?
I'll get back to you on that.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Before his move halfway across the country...
Sorry Carl, I accidentally let Starvin' Marvin escape.
You *let* my cat escape? Just for that you can drive the moving van down to Wellington on your own. I'll take my car.
One week later, in Wellington...
What's the matter? Are you *still* mad at me?
I've decided that it's not going to work out. I'm still pissed at you for losing my cat, so I'm breaking up with you.
*sob*
Oh, get over it. You got off lightly - I can live with the cat thing, but just count yourself *extremely* lucky that you didn't mess up my hair.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Woohoo! Somebody actually added me to their "Favourite Stripcreator Authors" list. Wow, I... wow.
*sniff*
Sorry, I'm just a little emotional right now. You like me! You really like me!

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Hey, have you ever thought about doing a continuous serial comic? With wacky characters and illogical plots? People like those.
No.
Well, *will* you think about it?
No.
Why not?
No.

 

by Loomis
9-06-02
Grr! You never listen to anything I say! I wish *I* could live in my own little world like you do, writing stories and comic strips all day! Pay attention to me, dammit!
Agh! I give up!
Wha? Oh, I'll have a meatlovers one, and could you get me some of those chicken-flavoured fries? Thanks hon.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
It has come to my attention that some of the people upon whom these comics are based believe that at times I'm being a little *too* vicious.
Well, duh.

 

by Loomis
9-07-02
10pm.
So, are you coming to bed?
In a bit. I'm working on something.
12am.
*Please* come to bed, Loomis.
I'm almost done.
3am.
Are you done *yet*?
Oh, I finished two hours ago; now I'm just chatting to people on the Net. Why, did you want something?

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