All comics by ShadowFreeze

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
My name is Dan. I own this comic.
My name is Scott. I look like this because Dan couldn't find a better picture of me.
I'm Craig. I have no other purpose than to annoy the hell out of Dan.
I'm Aubree. I'm just friends with Dan.
My name is Brandon. I'm a wanna-be pimp.
I'll introduce other characters as they show up. Now, on with the comic.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
I'm done working... maybe I'll just call it a day.
Guess who?
I'm giving you to the count of three to go away, Craig.
So, where's your hot slut mom?
1..... 2.....
What's with the kni... oh, shit.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Come here!
Byeee!
Oh, damn. I accidently hammered a nail into my skull. Losing.. blood..
And so, after dying, Dan went to hell. It was so warm there. So warm.
Hee hee.. monkey.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Well, hell is nice and all, but I wonder why there's no one here to talk to.
You know, I always suspected...
Three days, he said. Just THREE DAYS, that's all! Man, that is the LAST time I trust Satan.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
So... Jesus Christ.
Yeah?
Oh, nothing. I was just swearing.
Jesus Christ....! Hee hee!!
God, I hate you people so much.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Well, catch you later, Jesus. I gotta see about getting out of hell. Don't go dying for anybody's sins without me or nothing.
Peace.
So, how the hell do I get out of here? And, uh, more importantly...
Why the hell am I in a trash can?
Because I hate you.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
So, you say your hate made me live in a trash can?
Yeah. That's how things work in hell. Which is to say, without any logic whatsoever.
Hmm. That's fascinating.
I suppose.
So, what are you doing in hell?
It was the Baby Jesus Incest thing. I guess I should have repented, but it was just so fucking funny.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Well, I have to go, Mr. Devil. I'm trying to find the way out of hell.
Oh, you mean like a quest, or something?
No, like your mom, bitch.
Fuck you.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Dan the Trash Can continues on his adventure through Hell.
On the road again... I can't wait to get on the road again... and to the motel room where I see your mom... dum de dum...
The moral of the story?
Oh, hi James.
Move along, kids. No punchline here.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Oh, hey again Devil dude.
Call me D.
Well, don't worry D. I'll get us out of hell. I have a plan.
You're going to keep travelling until you reach Satan and beg him to release us?
...Well, actually, I was going to find Jesus again and poke him with a big stick, but yeah, that'll do.
My hero.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
INTERMISSION
Hey, kids! Brandon Smith says: suck my dick!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled comic, already in progress.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Hey! Are you Satan? I need to have a word with you!
Yes... and no. Look again, Dan, and see the truth...
...Oh, my God. You're... Craig!!
YES! In hell, all of your friends are transformed into weird things that don't make sense! And therefore I, the evilest member of your group of friends, have become Satan himself! How very ironic!
Kind of like rain at your hamster's funeral?
...Damn, you really do deserve to be in hell.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Well, if you're Craig, then let's all go! Hell sucks!
I'm afraid I can't do that. You see, before anyone can escape hell, you and I must first engage in battle... AT TIDDLYWINKS!!!
And so, they played tiddlywinks.
Ooh, tiddlywink right in the EYE. That's gotta sting.
Ouch.
Dan cheated horribly and won, and they were all transported back to the world that they know, where they all lived happily ever. Kind of. THE END.
Yaaaaay! ...Hey, wait, why am I still stuck in a trash can?
Because I hate you so much.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
All right, now read it back to me, Hunter.
Ahem. "Dear Hot Pants: Baby, you make me wiggle. When I think about you, my eyes bleed, but in a good way."
Go on.
"Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you. If you know what I mean. Will you be my 'sausage slave'? Your Secret Admirer."
Hows it sound?
It's... got potential.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-03-02
Now, please deliver this steamy love letter to the woman of my dreams, with haste and discretion. And here's your $10.
Dream woman. Haste and discretion. Got it.
Now, remember, it's very important that you don't drop this letter somewhere where someone might find it and think someone else wrote it to them, leading to confusion.
Man, I HATE it when that happens.
5 minutes later...
You dropped it, didn't you?
.... yeah.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-04-02
It has been so boring down here lately.
No shit, eh? You wanna go terrorize the mortal world?
I'm tired of brutally slaughtering Christians, though. How about we go after some American mosh death metal bands this time?
Will it keep them from writing anymore stupid, cliché, cheesy lyrics about us?
Yeah, probably.
I'll go pack my bags.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-04-02
I found this love letter. Did you, by any chance, send it to me?
Yes!
You're lying, aren't you?
... Yeah.
...What the hell is a 'Sausage slave'?
I'd show you, but then I would feel so, so dirty.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-04-02
Wow, it feels good to be out of a trash can. Hey Jesus, I've always meant to ask you. Doesn't that hurt?
I have sacrificed my life in order to relieve all people of sins
So you hurt yourself so the world can be a happier place?
Pretty much.
Holy shit, that hurts! Is the world getting better yet?
Sigh.... the sacrifices I make for you assholes.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-19-02
Fuck.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-19-02
Well, this really sucks.
What is? That we, the two most powerful entities in the universe, have been poked fun of and havent been't aken seriously anomore?
That the eternal war between good and evil is no longer seen as a metaphor for human existence, but is believed to be trite and boring, suitable only for the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon?
No, that I'm nailed to a fucking cross, asshole. What the fuck are you babbling about?
Oh... sorry.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-19-02
Yo yo yo. What up, motherfucker?
Shiiiiit, dawg. I beat that mutha like a bus full of ninjas. Damn.
We interrupt this presentation of "Undead in the Ghetto" for a special announcement.
My name is Craig and I'm a huge asswipe.
We now return you to "Undead in the Ghetto."
Y-Yikes! I really hope there aren't a-any zombies in t-these scary dark s-sidewalks!
Braaaaaains, motherfucker.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-26-02
Drugs are Bad!
That's right! If you do drugs, you're a loser! Nobody will love you...and you'll be sexually inadequate and...
Wait, so Jimmi Hendrix was a loser? Janis Joplin? The countless number of musicains, authors, and artists who died before their time but created some great art in the process.
Well... see.. the thing is..
Well, what about them?
Asshole.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Hi! My names Dan and I'm here to fix the cable.
Great! The TV's in the living room. My girlfriend and I will be in the shower.
Ummm.. alright. I'll just .. hey, wait a minute!
Oh dear, I dropped the soap! Dan, could you come in here and wash my breasts?
I'm in a porno, aren't I?
But how!

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Somewhere around Area 51...
I bring you peace and love, much like the aliens in Close Encounters.
My god! I've waited my whole lifetime for this moment!
That's close enough, bitch! Hand over the wallet!
What the fuck? Damn! Alright, here, take it!
I hate it when this shit happens.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Christ, Joey! Are you fuckin' retarded? (Hahahahahahaha!)
Make one more smartass remark, Chandler, and I swear to God I'll fuckin' cap your ass! (Hahahahahahaha!)
BLAM! Fuck me! I just shot Ross!
"Friends" probably shouldn't try to compete with "The Sopranos".

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Holy hell! I've been abducted!
That's right, Daniel! I hope you're prepared for a galactic adventure that will take you to the very borders of time and space!
Wow! Great! Ummmm...er...I just...
Does this mean I'm gonna get anally probed?
I think we both know the answer to that question.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Having been abducted, Dan begins his tour of the spaceship.
You know, aside from the fact that I'm about to get probed, my time up here in space has been pretty cool.
Probing schmobing! How many people can say they've been fisted by an alien lifeform? Just you and Steven King, that's who.
What about all those other people who claim to be abductees?
Those fat things? Ha! They wish it! No sex appeal at all!
Um, er. Are you guys... like... you know... queer?
I thought the fact that the PA system was playing The Village People would clue you in. Now lay down.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Hey, what's that?
Oh good, it's my robotic sercant, Lazarus. Lazarus, say hi to Daniel.
Uh... hey.
'Sup, my nigga!
"'Sup, my nigga!"? What the fuck?
Oh, he says that to everyone. Try to ignore him.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Why, where am I? Last thing I remember is that alien crashing the ship we were in...
Am I the only survivor of that horrible crash? Did everyone on that ship die besides me?
And so, Lazarus became part of the cast.
Oh, fuck. Not you too.
Sup, my nigga!

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Well, since I just can't leave you here, I might as well make you my.. servant.
Sup, my Nigga!
And quit that stupid phrase! Say something else!
Sup, my... Cracker!
Okay. Time to program some language into you.
Nigga! Cracker! Data systems overload!

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Back at Dan's place...
Alright. That should about do it.
*BEEP* My name is Lazarus. I am built to serve Lord Daniel.
Good, good.
And to kill pathetic fleshlings.
What the..?
Er, nothing. Now let me do your bidding. Let me start by picking up your laundry.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Okay, my eyes are shut. I'm ready for my surprise!
Die, pathetic human.
The task of destroying a weak fleshling is complete, master.
What are you talking about? I said to fold my clothes, you idiot!

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
So, what are you in for?
Rampant slayings of pathetic fleshlings like yourself.
So... you want a Ho-Ho?

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-27-02
Meanwhile, back at Dan's place...
Are you going to put it on for me?
You know how I feel about wearing it.
Fine. No costume, no sex.
Bah. Fine, have it your way.
That's what I'm talkin about. C'mere, you sexy martian.
I feel like an idiot.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
What in the hell is wrong with this shipping order? I ordered some robotic killers, not retarded fag robots!
Would you like a cup of coffee?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
Would you like a cup of coffee?
Would you like a cup of coffee?

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Hey, look at me, Scott! I'm Oscar the grouch!
No, you're not. You just crawled into a trash can.
No, I'm Oscar. Me and Snuffaluffagus hung out last night. We smoked some weed behind Hooper's store. I beat up Elmo and stole his lunch money. I went pimping with Bert and Ernie.
You need help, Dan.
I got it on with Maria. Twice.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
And so, Brandon goes in search of a partner-in-crime.
I'm here to bail out Lazarus T. Robot, guard.
You have the money?
Every last dime. Here's the $10,000.
Great. He's in the back cell, sir.
Alright, bitch. You comin with me.
Sup, my cracker! Er.. alright. You are my new master.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
Ok, here's how it's gonna go down, bitch. I'll pretend to buy some smokes and when the clerk ain't lookin, I'm gonna whip out my glock.
That's when you pull out the A-K and keep the rest of the people in the store covered. Anybody moves and you smoke 'em. That's when I'll make my move. Any questions?
Well, yeah. Just one. Can't we just pay for the candy bar instead?
Christ, Laz. You are such a fucking pussy.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
Sorry about the title of the last comic. It meant to say 'If you steal something, steal something good.' But onto the comic.
The first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
You just did.
That doesn't count.
Why not?
Look, just shut the fuck up.
This club sounds pretty gay.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
Zoiks! Like the zombie took off! But his footprints lead down into that abandoned mineshaft. What are we gonna do Fred?
Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby go check out the mine. Daphne, Velma and I are gonna go back to the van and look for clues. Yeah. That's it. Clues.
Now, ladies. Where were we?
Oh, Freddy. You clever bastard.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
So, Roni baby, what do you say you and me head back to my place for some wild monkey sex?
Craig, I'd rather fuck a goat.
It's all good.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
This is Dan Rathers and I'm reporting to you live from the 100 Acre Wood, the scene of last night's tragedy. With me right now is Eeyore.
You were an eyewitness to the entire scene, Eeyore. Can you tell us what happened?
Well, Pooh was off on some hairbrained scheme to fly to China on a kite when he trampled some of Rabbit's new rose bushes. Rabbit finally snapped and beat Pooh to his bloody death with a honey pot.
Absolutely shocking...
Then he really freaked out. Last I saw he was ready to torch the whole neighborhood. I think that's when the SWAT team took him down.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
Hello there, little girl! How'd you like me to make a balloon animal for you?
What will it be? A cute doggie? Or maybe a duck? How 'bout a butterfly?
Could you do a giant dildo?

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
So... you're Death, huh?
Last time I checked, yeah.
So, um... could you tell me how I'm going to die? And when?
I really don't think you want to know that.
C'mon. I can take it.
Well, I wouldn't worry about renewing your gym membership and you might want to stay away from the walrus cage at the zoo.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
Doctor, this is kind embarrassing, but my dick has turned bright orange. I think it needs help.
Well, drop those trousers and let's have a look.
And so, Brandon dropped his pants.
So, what do you think it is?
Hmm... out of curiousity, what were you doing this afternoon?
Eating Cheetos and watching porn. Why?
I think I've got it.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-28-02
I just got another death threat! I don't even know these fucking people. What the hell is their problem?
Who's the moron this time?
Mike Parker.
Oh. Him. That's probably 'cause I slept with his wife and then called him up and told him I was you.
Thanks a lot, assmunch. Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?
Were you aware that you're wanted in Oklahoma for assaulting a shopkeeper with a giant dildo?

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-29-02
Hey Dan, you've been writing a lot of comics lately. What's up? How do you do it?
One word, my friend. Tits.
What's that supposed to mean? Every time you get laid, does it inspire you to write new comics?
No. I just like to say the word tits.
So just how much glue to you have to sniff to reach your level of enlightenment?
I'm not sure. I ran out last Thursday and I've been buzzing on 409 instead.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-29-02
Hey, whats wrong, little guy?
I've got cancer. But I won't be able to find a cure because no one pledges any money for Craig's swimming effort.
Gee, that's too bad. Anything I can do for you before you shuffle off this mortal coil?
I only wish I'd lived long enough to become a man...
Tell you what... Let's take a road trip to Mexico. We can get sauced, stuff ourselves with tacos and we'll find you a nice, sleezy whore.
Hooray! God bless us, everyone!

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-29-02
Hey, what went wrong with your Cancer swimming thing?
Eh, I pussed out and decided to get drunk and stoned instead.
Gee, that's too bad. Do you have to give back all the pledges now?
I can't. I spent them all on the beer and weed.
You're going to hell, you know.
Hey, if backing over that kid in the wheelchair with my truck didn't phase me, this sure as hell won't.

 

by ShadowFreeze
6-29-02
Hey Ryan, how've you been? I haven't seen you around.
Oh, I've been busy. Busy getting laid and making robots.
The sex part I understand, but whats this about robots?
Being the genius that I am, I've been able to make a mechnical human that will obey my every whim. Ryanbot! Get over here!
You look oddly familliar...
Would you like a cup of coffee?

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