All comics by UnmitigatedHardness

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So, Chris, is this comic going to be some kind of original spin on dorm life?
Nope. Probably not.
But you pretend to be some kind of creative mastermind. Are you sure there won't be anything weird or special about it? No surprises?
Nope. I don't think so, John. Well...
...maybe a little.
"What, then, is the meaning of ascetic ideals? In the case of an artist, as we see, NOTHING WHATEVER!...Or so many things it amounts to nothing whatver!"

 

HEY, KIDS! TELL YOUR PARENTS TO TAKE YOU TO SEE CAT IN THE HAT OR WE'LL POISON THEM! BIIITCH!
Question: when's the last time Mike Myers was funny?
Austin Powers 1? Shagadelic, baby.
Before that, dude. Wayne's World?
No way, Adam. Earlier. The Linda Richman skit on SNL?
Survey says: trick question. Right now. Just not in the way he wants to be. And, Nick, I'll tell them to poison you if you ever do the Austin Powers impression again. This is not 1997.

 

Some time during the third hour of playing Mario Kart: Double Dash, on the fifth retry of Peach Beach...
Do you ever get the feeling that we're wasting our lives by playing this all the time?
Often.
But what if eternal recurrence and reincarnation are right? Maybe the question of whether or not you're living a meaningful life is "Would I like to do this again?" And my answer is succinctly no.
...
Dude, I just pushed your giant ape character off a track made entirely of rainbows and suspended ambiently in space. I doubt this is the place for an existential crisis--red shell!
SHIT!

 

Why's Jermaine Dupri get a "featuring" credit on that new Murphy Lee song? He says five words! Or the Pink song "featuring" William Orbit? He just produced it! What's next? "Featuring" Quincy Jones?
Is it really something to get upset about? Think of it like an assist in basketball. You get credit, even though you don't really do much.
Well wouldn't it be more like an inbounds pass? I mean, somebody has to produce the thing.
Fine then. It's like an assist of an assist. A precognitive assist. If that helps you sleep at night.
*(Almost. LeBron would average about 8 PAs a game. Chances are, Ricky Davis would bungle the actual assist half the time.)
Hey! Precognitive assist! That's an awesome idea! Then LeBron could get quadruple-doubles!*
He never stops, does he?

 

Have you seen the new trailer for Garfield: The Movie? What an unintentionally funny piece of shit.
Yeah, it's funnier than Jeff Bergeron getting his ex-girlfriend pregnant and worse than watching Jeff Bergeron drink away the unfathomable sorrow of said pregnancy, then deciding to join the army.
Funnier than Chevy Chase's performances in Foul Play, Fletch, Caddyshack, and Vacation combined. Worse than giving a handjob at knife-point to a syphillitic clown.
Funnier than Will Ferrell's "Get Off the Shed" skit, times the "Scott Tenorman Must Die" episode of "South Park," raised to "Monty Python's Flying Circus." Worse than pooing razorblades and gum.
Funnier. And worse than...the Scooby Doo 2 trailer.
Zoinks.

 

"...later on, we'll conspire, as we dream by the fire. Face unafraid, plans we have made: walking in a winter wonderland."
That song isn't very cheery. What exactly is the speaker "conspiring" to do? What plans does he have to "face unafraid"? Is it like the Wonderland murders? Are they going to kill Santa or something?
Maybe "conspire" rhymes with "fire."
Maybe it should be listened to as a companion piece to "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." So Santa is a ruthless Orwellian character, monitoring us even in our sleep. The speaker's a freedom fighter.
Either way the subtext is overwhelming, right?

 

Did you hear? They got Saddam!
Looks to me like they found Santa. But I'm sure that's a stale joke, and that you've already gone into PhotoShop and drawn a Santa hat on his picture.
But actually, after he shaved, he more closely resembled a Dennis the Menace era Walter Matthau.
So if he's Mr. Wilson, does that make Dubya Dennis? And Dick Cheney is Joey? And Condeleeza is Margaret...
Keep going. You can do "Prince Valiant" next.

 

*(Actually, I secretly want to have sex with Viggo Mortensen.)
Not since Wagner's Ring series has a more impacting and influential trilogy been created. Each film flows into the next seamlessly, and all facets of the immense production collarborate beautifully...
from Howard Shore's sweeping score to the elegant effects work of WETA to even the inspired soundscape of Michael Van der Ryn. Next Christmas, when a new installment won't be out, I'll feel empty.*
*(Also, I secretly want to have sex with Viggo Mortensen.)
I was a fan of the books in high school, and Tolkien's Christian symbolism really resonated with me. The adaptation process fascinates me--it's as if Peter Jackson has taken my imagination and filmed
it. Certainly some elements must be edited out of the film, but the attention to detail and desire to be true to the source material impresses me. Truly, this is an experience we'll all look back on.*
I want to have sex with Viggo Mortensen.

 

Has anyone else noticed that ever since Spin has hired Andy Greenwald, author of "Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo," as a contributing writer that they have a newfound fervor...
...almost obsession with emo? For example, Chris Carabba had a cover this year, there are six emo albums in the year's top forty, and there are countless articles about unproven bands like Brand New.
Furthermore, what exactly are they pushing it for? Isn't emo's appeal based on its small community? Is there a 300,000 album ceiling for emo bands or will they ever sit with Beyonce on kids' iPods?
This is a little esoteric for the comic isn't it? Is this just a garden variety observation or is there a punchline to any of this prattle?
Oh, there's more than a punchline. Bitchass.

 

I hate "Family Circus!" I hate it! I know this pose is inquisitive and curious, but I'm actually possessed by rage!
You can't let stuff like this bother you. Old ladies love "Family Circus" and hate your favorites. It appeals to an audience that is attracted to nostalgia, cuteness, sentimentality, and innocence.
Fuck that shit! They don't even try to have jokes. It'll just be the dad literally mopping himself into a corner, and then the kid says, "Daddy, is that what it means to mop yourself into the corner?"
I don't like it either, but every comic satisfies its own formula. For example, you always mention a pop culture observation, make a pseudo-literate allusion, and finish with a non-joke.
I guess you're right. What's a non-joke?

 

*see: Elephant, American Splendor, or something more obscure. The Russian Ark?
First of all, you need to arouse interest and debate from the beginning, so you need a tiny auteur flick that divides people, and more importantly, that almost no one has seen.* No matter what...
...people don't want to feel as if they've seen every movie out there. There need to still be some gems for them to check out. This also makes you seem more authoritative. It validates the whole list.
*see: Pirates of the Carribbean, Finding Nemo; see: City of God, Capturing the Friedmans
However, you don't want to brand yourself as too artsy. So you need a populist blockbuster that everyone saw.* Just to say, 'hey, I'm not too stuck up.' An event picture or whatever. But to balance...
...that out, it's mandatory to have one--and only one--elitist foreign language or documentary (one movie that satisfies both criteria would be even better).*
*see: Lost in Translation, Mystic River, Return of the King
Usually, there are also one or two movies each year that are just obviously better than everything else, and that every cool person likes.* You need to have those if only to not seem contrarian...
...Feel free to use any order. Finally, if you happen to have a certain emotional attachment or personal response to a film, I've left some spots for you. Shit, did this just become a "Cathy" comic?

 

Perhaps now that people are actually reading your comics, you shouldn't include elements of gossip.
It's pretty reprehensible. Now that people are reading my comics. Can I still air my feelings on the "Bennifer" fiasco, citing the reason for the split as "she sees more sausage than Jimmy Dean?"
Yeah, they're not real people.
While we're on the subject of celebrity relationships, I've missed "ET" lately. What's the status of Geenny? Or Melanon, for that matter? Richther? Shanutt?
I believe Geena Davis' marriage to Renny Harlin has ended, Melanie Griffith divorced Don Johnson twice. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear are still going strong, as are Shania Twain and Mutt Lange.
Excellent. I have my fingers crossed for Jayonce. Going by this admittedly arbitrary system, if I married Britney (even for only 55 hours), we'd be Bris. Nyuk-nyuk.

 

The following is based upon true events that occurred on the eve of January 30, 2003, Anno Domini. I now whisk you away to an early Mardi Gras ball in the balmy confines of Sulphur, Louisiana...
Oh, yeah. I'm going to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."
I fucking hate old people.

 

Every commerical break during a college basketball game this year.
So I told the bitch I would sodomize her with an ant-infested orange popsicle if we didn't get the Durango. I mean, seriously. It's got a hemi.
hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi hemi
I wanted the kids to be able to watch TV no matter where we are. Plus, I don't drive well so I wanted to be able to intimidate people on the highway. Good thing I'll take up three parking spots with
it--I wouldn't want my doors dinged. I hear SUVs are safe now too. And it gets 11 miles to the gallon! Is the American flag optional or standard?
Note to the reader: all a "hemi" means is that the car has a hemisperical combustion chamber. It doesn't really matter much. It's as much of an advertising gimmick as neon-colored Pop-Secret.
da-duh-da-da-duh-da-da

 

Actually, Lacan says there is a difference between Desire and desire. Lower-case desire is the need for something to replace the symbolic and attempt to connect with the real. Capital d is the...
original Desire to connect with the real. Except, you can never completely connect with the real, just have small, elusive moments of connection--jouissance. Instead of actually connecting...
to the real, you sublimate your Desire (capital d) by accumulating objects that you think will satisfy that need. These objects are separate from objet petit a, which is an over-arching other, the
thing you sublimate for. Of course, thing is different from capital Thing. A thing is inaccessible. It takes an object and adds power to it. A capital Thing is part of the real which suffers from...
the signifier. When you name part of the Thing, it becomes the real. At any rate, here's Lacan's schema for love: a/-ö ◊ A. That's objet petit a, divided by castration, sublimated to the Other.
If Jacques Lacan married Chaka Khan, and she gave birth to Shera Khan...

 

We now join a Lord of the Rings "debate," in medias res...
Okay, well what about the eagles at the end? The eagles ex machina. Where do you get eagles from all of a sudden to save the day?
That's mostly from the book. In Fellowship there's a moment where Gandalf saves a bird, and they're on his side forever after that. Also, that'll explained much better in the extended edition.
But you can't do that! It's an ADAPTATION of a novel. Some stuff has to be left out or explained better. You can't make a completely different movie for DVD and then reference it. I saw the first two.
Well you obviously didn't pay enough attention then. And a lot of stuff was left out actually. Entire characters, entire plotlines. But they did a very good job of incorporating important elements.
They should have! It's four fucking hours! Look, Blake. I'm not going to pretend it's the greatest movie of all time. Some of it is completely inaccessible. That's not how movies or sequels work.
It's not really a sequel. I see Return of the King as part of a much larger story, The Lord of the Rings, the best movie ever. Maybe that's your first problem. Didn't you want to have sex with Viggo?

 

15. Better Luck Tomorrow (Justin Lin), 14. Cold Mountain (Anthony MInghella), 13. All the Real Girls (David Gordon Green)
12. Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (Peter Jackson), 11. Big Fish (Tim Burton), 10. 28 Days Later (Danny Boyle)
9. American Splendor (Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini), 8. Love Actually (Richard Curtis), 7. City of God (Fernando Meirelles)
6. Capturing the Friedmans (Andrew Jarecki), 5. Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (Peter Weir), 4. Mystic River (Clint Eastwood)
3. Kill Bill, Volume 1 (Quentin Tarantino), 2. Lost in Translation (Sofia Coppola)
1. 21 Grams (Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu)

 

Hasn't the throwback jersey thing worn out its welcome yet? I mean, I want to relive the storied tradition of sports and honor its greatest players as much as the next guy. But this is ridiculous.
I doubt the sincerity of a lot of it. When Nike, just because of its rights agreements, mixes old styles with new player names, it's so obvious. E.g., the M.P.L.S. Kobe jerseys.
Furthermore, when Reebok's D'Funkd collection creates jersey colors and styles that never even existed but LOOK retro, the entire concept is undermined. It's self-defeating as a mass-produced item.
It also becomes "can-you-top-this." I mean, do some of these jersey wearers even know the players they're wearing? Or do they just like how the U of Wyoming colors look?
Hey, is that a Cherokee Parks alternate high school throwback?
Yeah, and next to him is a Rick Newheisel USFL. Sweet!

 

It's kind of like that time that Urkel accidentally flew his rocket to Wisconsin and wound up on a "Step by Step" episode. Not that Mike's like Urkel or anything.
So Mike, you've heard "Burgertime 2004." What are your thoughts? You wanna call the R.O.C. for me?
Well...Okay, the beat is way too complicated. It has a multitude of disappearing and reappearing bass lines and electric piano riffs...
...then there's the way the beat completely changes from verse to chorus. (No, a drum fill is not a sufficient transition there.) And there's the shitty equipment. It kind of sounds like you're...
...rapping live from Carnie Wilson's twat. In which case I could understand your inability to stay with the beat. And there is the small issue of the entire song being about a 1982 Data East coin-op.
Uh...you slept with Chloe.
Curses.

 

Excerpts from a heated argument concerning the Battle for Balloms mode in the video game Bomberman Jetters
if you drop excessive bombs, you're infringing upon my liberty...it's like a prisoner's dilemma where both people defect every time...
...in all fairness, the game is called Bomberman...you're the one who is straddling the extreme by not dropping any bombs--you're forcing me to play the game differently...you won anyway...
(At this point, Nick rolls his eyes excessively and acts condescending.)
...I didn't have fun taking the moral high ground...you're diluting the game! You score by dropping babies into hatches! You're just subverting the game's intentions to suit your own shortcomings...
...it's a device. Why would the game let you drop bombs if you weren't supposed to use them? It forces you to change your style of play...everyone is still inherently equal...
(Five minutes later, while I'm in the shower, Nick acts like a little bitch and talks about how we should be doing better things with our time.)
...an amateur is someone who realizes he can manipulate a game, a professional is someone who can note that inadequacy and not abuse it...have fun with your cheap sixty point games, cheater...
...what the fuck are you talking about? Bomberman professional? It's not abusing the game if there is only one action button, which is set bomb...faggot...

 

We bring you to a possible identity theft situation, already in progress...
That dude's such a liar. All A's my balls. I can prove it. Go look him up. I know his social security number. It's 446-86-3298. You wanna write it down?
Uh...get out of my room--you're scaring me. Actually, on second thought, who else you got? Any P.Y.T.'s like, oh I don't know, for example...
My, my what a tangled web we weave, when first we`decide to deceive.
Are you talking?
Yeah, seriously, Nick. Shut the hell up. You're lucky I can just have you say something gay and save an entire comic. Otherwise I wouldn't keep you around. Hey, do you have his number?

 

John, you know a lot about video game history. What is Mario and Luigi's last name?
Mario. I mean, it's the Mario Brothers. Seems logical. I guess they're Luigi Mario and Mario Mario. Either that or Luigi just calls Mario by their last name, which seems unnatural.
If Mario isn't his first name, then what is?
...uh...Steven. With a v, not a ph.
What are they? Jewish?
Yeah. Racist. Just because they're plumbers, you think they're Italian? I mean, they fight goombas. Hey, why do I get to be the smartass in this comic? Something's weird; must restore order. Nick!

 

Cameo's "Word Up": I just realized it doesn't make sense. The dude asks "What's the word?" And the answer is "Word up." That doesn't sound odd to you? I mean, "word up" is an affirmation.
Yeah, you certainly don't answer a question like "What's the word?" with it. That's like saying, "How's it going?" and the other guy responding, "Thank you."
Well, doesn't "Word up" start the song, and they just repeat the two lines in a cycle of funked-out resplendence?
Even if that is the case, Cameo still leaves unanswered questions. It's not a very cathartic chorus anyway.
I've also always thought Ray Parker, Jr's "Ghostbusters" would have been a cooler song if it was completely unrelated to a movie. Why can't a guy just have something weird in his neighborhood?
Word up.

 

John, I was just at the mall, and it got me thinking. How come Chick-Fil-A's are never part of the food court? They're always set off from everything else. Like the outcast of the cafeteria.
But it shouldn't be an outcast; it's delicious. Well, I guess you become the outcast if you're Mormons who close on Sundays and put Bibles in kids' meals. Better than special underwear though.
But seriously, are they separate just because it's easier to close on Sundays that way, or is there something more divisive about the break? You could make converts easier if you were closer.
I can't hear what you're talking about, dumbass. I'm in Lake Charles. You have to use the keyboard. But I agree. In principle. What'd you get in Pomo?

 

Yes, sir. You don't want the eggs touching the plate, and you want lemon with the water but not in it. Got it.
It doesn't work like that, ma'am. You can't get just French toast and just a t-bone. It has to be part of the meal. Those two items aren't a la carte--pardon? A la carte.
Sure, Cheryl, I'll take your tables for the next hour while you sit in the breakroom smoking your extra long Kools. Excuse me? I don't know what Billy told you. Why would I work off the clock?
It's okay that you're taking advantage of me by waiting as long as possible to put me on the schedule, Miss Gloria. I don't mind.
I'm sorry, sir. What did you say? You kind of didn't look at me while you mumbled.The reason I don't have the fiesta scrambler is because you didn't tell me you wanted it. But I'll have it right up.
Sure, sir. I'll get you some more coffee, syrup, A1, silverware, and water. [Even though you're not my table. I hate myself and want to die.] Good evening!

 

"Room Raiders"
Well, she has a Chi Omega pillow, which leads me to believe that she may only feel secure when validated by her peers. But she chose, and by the way paid for, this peer group only because they
represented characteristics that she either saw in herself or desired to see, thus proving a narcissistic streak as potent as the insecurity. And she likes to party. Righteous.
"ElimiDate"
Actually, I would prefer not to pick either one of you girls. Your attempts to impress me by insulting each other have only succeeded in proving your own superficiality. Neither one of you showed
any effort to find common bonds with me. And your putdowns were even shallow. If you were to say that Meredith has no future it would be a little more effective than noting her small breasts. Skanks.
"The Real World"
Frankie, I really wish you would die.

 

So have you seen the Garfield movie yet?
I don't know if I'm going to; I don't have a lot of free time. Although I do have a certain nostalgia for the old comic, I would be seeing the film for purely ironic reasons.
That's the whole point, homes. We can use it as a cynical shorthand for anything with no value other than irony. As in, "Hey, do you want to go people-watch at Wal-Mart?" "In a Garfield sort of way."
Do we really have to see the movie to do that? Can't we just say we're going to do something in a Garfield way? People wouldn't assume that means doing something like a fat lasagna-loving cat.
Good point. But what if the movie is actually good? We have to be sure. Wait, I forgot where I was going with this...damn, I don't mean to ruin a comic that was gaining momentum.
That's okay. People only read it in a Garfield kind of way. Did that...? No? That wasn't funny? Oh well. I guess it's not going to catch on. Not even in a Garfield--okay. I'll stop.

 

So "Full House" comes on Nick at Nite at 4 AM, right?
So in this episode, from the penultimate season, Stephanie wants to get her ears pierced but can't because, as Danny Tanner says, "You're only ten." But I distinctly remember her in the last season...
going to the mall with guest star Marla Sokoloff and picking up older guys. For Danny to let her do that, she would have had to be at least thirteen. Meanwhile, the birth of Nicky and Alex (the...
point at which the show jumped the shark), occurred in the third to last season. In true sitcom style, they were babies for one season and mysteriously toddlers in the next. Thing is, if Stephanie...
grew three years in the last two seasons, why'd Nicky and Alex grow in different seasons? A tad illogical. For that matter, DJ is going to college in the last season. Fine. Eighteen years old, right?
So are we to believe that she is a full five years older than Steph? Which makes her, depending on the season, a possible ten years older than Michelle? Miller and Boyett have some explaining to do.
Actually, your chronology is incorrect. Allow me to remind you of the episode where--you know what? Go to bed. You don't deserve a punchline.

 

You know the dude this comic ridicules lovingly all the time? Starts with an N, ends with an I-C-K?
Right. May or may not live in Dallas, listen to metal, drink Gentleman Jack, work at a Foley's, and have a big head? I think I'm familiar with him. What about him?
Well I'd like to know how his summer's going, but every time he signs on Instant Messenger, within seconds he has an away message up. And never anything telling--just "I am away from my computer."
That's pretty fitting. The away message is a difficult art form to master. But I'd much rather read that default than some other douche away message that some of my friends use during the summer.
Yeah. Example: "All I'm going to say about last night is that it involved girls, tequila, a pool, and wild sex." Uh, you pretty much told me everything. There isn't as much mystery as you think.
...I am away from my computer.

 

So I just saw a commercial that featured the Carl Douglas classic "Kung Fu Fighting," and I wanted to kind of continue that thread we had on Cameo.
So do you have some item of absurdity concerning the song? I'm assuming you do.
It's disco, isn't it? Here's my question. The song goes, "those cats were fast as lightning/fact, it was a little bit frightening/but they did it with expert timing."
I see where you're going with this. What does expert timing have to do with anything? How does the timing fit into the equation? Does the admiration of the timing cancel out any fright?
Yeah. How does the expert timing make it okay? Can I catch somebody raping my mom and just be like: "Oh. Well. He's doing it with expert timing." Everybody in the damn place is still kung fu fighting!
That last point you made?...expert timing.

 

The comic begins strong, with a topical and relevant subject. The fact that the character watches a show as faggy as "TFLo..." is funny in itself. But note how it's already not really going anywhere.
So I was watching "The Fabulous Life of Usher"--wait, let me try that again. I don't really care, but I heard this Usher kid has camels and lions at his parties for, like, no reason. Is that cool?
Hmm...I don't even know. What I do know is that this whole thing came pretty suddenly. Over a million in the first week? Five times platinum? Number two after fifteen weeks? Starting a clothing line?
In the second panel it is obvious that the author is taking way too much time to qualify and describe. Then the pop culture references collapse, mainly from a misplaced accuracy and ordinary nature...
Yeah, who does this guy think he is, the Bee Gees? Who would have thought this kid would reach this level of superstardom when he entered the game in '96?
Why him? Why the kid whose video for "My Way" was a psychedelic bastard child of Fame, A Clockwork Orange, and House Party II?
Yes, the Bee Gees sold well and "My Way" is like those films. If the author had used a more random film, like Red Corner, it would have been funny. Truth equals nothing. And Jil' Jon as Jesus? Yikes.
Think of other R&B singers from that year? What if Imx, SWV, Case, or Tevin Campbell were packing in stadiums now? Why Usher? What makes him different?
YEEEEEEEEAAAHHHH!

 

In between impregnating girls who are not his girlfriend and tearfully singing about it so people will feel sorry for him, Usher reads my last strip. Imagine a ticking beat in the background.
Well Owens links to this dude, so he must be okay. I guess I'll randomly read this innocuous comic by this kid halfway across the country.
He seems to be creating some kind of Baudrillard-informed world within a world. The simulacratic narration criticizing the strip's structure ends up assuming the exact same form. No need to force it.
And the punchline makes very little sense. He's obviously inhibited by the medium in which he's working. But he has my blessing. As Aristotle said, 'wit is educated insolence.'
What am I doing reading this instead of peeing on groupies and burning money? Can somebody get a camel up in this bitch? Um...A-Town.

 

My neighbor has a license plate on his Escort that proclaims "THE PRICE OF FREEDOM IS NOT FREE." What do you think of that?
Seems generic. And stupid. Isn't liberty--freedom--an inalienable right? And thus, pretty damned free? Like, if I deserve it just because I'm a human, it's fairly gratis.
That is, if you consider the absence of a price a price at all. Alas, Johnny, we live in a crazy mixed-up world. You know that dude Barack Obama that everyone loves?
Yeah, the guy who is supposed to save Illinois but will only get that seat because Jack Ryan had to step down amidst allegations that he made his wife, Jeri Ryan, have sex with strippers?
That's the one. Pretty incredible. A squeaky clean, TV-ready, incumbent throws it all away, which allows for a largely unknown but honourable and intelligent youngblood to clean up. Krazee.
I'll say. Why would you drop out of a race just because you wanted your hot wife to have some girl-on-girl? I wanted to vote for him even more. Does Illinois allow write-ins?

 

Nancy Kerrigan, Amanda Beard, Picabo Street, Michael Johnson, Dominique Moceanu, Apollo Anton Ohno.
Michael Phelps?
...Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps. Michael--
Michael Phelps Michael Phelps; Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps! Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps. Michael Phelps.
Michael Phelps Michael Phelps...Michael...Phelps...Michael...LeBron. And...scene.

 

Durham, I'm watching the penultimate episode of "Nip/Tuck's" first season, and I can already tell it's going to end in a cliffhanger. I've watched 638 minutes for nothing.
Yeah, the same thing happened when you watched thirteen "Arrested Developments" during exam week only to find out that the dad escapes from prison and it just ends.
Or the time you watched a whole season of "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit"--
--Dude, Emmy-nominated. Wait until you get Netflix . Anyway, if a great show like that can't have resolution after sometimes ten hours of content, what can?
I'm not asking for much. Just curtains closing or something. Like, "Man, I can't believe J.R. just got shot." Then all the cast members put their arms around each other and go "Ta da!"
I can see what you're saying. There's nothing worse than a lack of resolution. For example,

 

I was looking at that last strip. (It's an ability that I have when I'm drunk and animated. I can transcend cyberspace in my mind. The only trade-off is that this is my only expression.)
Anyway, you were wondering about these new basic cable shows--"Rescue Me" and so forth--that are billed as "provocative" and "daring." But do they really cover any new ground?
Yeah, are the cursing, violence, and sex helping the shows' realism or distracting us from flaws? If you show me a butt am I going to not notice that you're not being true to the character?
No, what I was talking about is that it's not sexy enough. They haven't crossed the line. It's always a dude's butt. They never show nipples or say fuck. It's like watching "Silk Stalkings" again.
Not quite. You don't wait thirty minutes to see a girl's back. Anyway, we need those boundaries. Did you ever think you would be channel-surfing and find a chick getting slammed doggy-style at 9:00?
If it weren't 12:17 on a Sunday and we got high ratings and the sponsors stayed with us, I would slam you doggy-style. Except for the whole having one expression thing. Maybe we do need boundaries.

 

Durham. Idea. More addictive than the new Sopranos pinball machine at The Boot. More affecting than finding out you weigh more than half the people on "Celebrity Fit Club."
If that idea isn't to apply for grad school, finish your rap album, or write your novel, it might not be productive. Then again, anything is better than playing Madden for six hours a day.
First off, Madden spurs creativity. Creating a hot route, I realised that heterodoxical kind of rhymes with popsicle. Anyway, people at work love Dilbert and office humour in general...
...the more cliched the better. It's always about circuitous instructions and muddled management. So why not have a comic about office people reading comics about office people? It looks like this:
Not being held accountable for his work, this guy reads Dilbert on the company's dime, relishing the jabs at middle management and our culture of misinformation.
We're funny because we're true.
[non-joke]

 

Outside, Valley's wrestling team was watching. They posed as money-holder-on-to-ers, and Zack--only street smart to his suburban brethren--gave them all the fantasy money.
Gee, Zack. Last time I had the first pick in something, I ended up with a Tonka truck in my peehole. I guess I'll take Jon Carney with the first overall pick.
Screech, now I can't screw over my friends! You were supposed to pick good players and then trade them all to me so that I would win the draft. I guess I'll take LaDanian Tomlinson now.
In a plan more elaborate than necessary, Zack enlisted the aid of Screech, who dressed up like NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue to convince Valley to give the money back.
Okay, preppie, pretend I have acid-washed jeans on. As an all-state athlete in whatever's convenient. I know a lot about football. I'm taking Sean Alexander with the third pick. Your turn, mama.
Pig. Since Tori can't be here this season, I'll pick for her. And since I'm here to represent the ladies, I'm taking one myself: Peyton Manning. Solidarity, sisters!
Zack accidentally said something about it to Belding, who quickly righted things after finding out just "what was going on here." Zack didn't learn his lesson, doing something similar the next week.
My family has fallen on rough times. I can't afford the entry fee. But if I could pick, I would take Priest Holmes. We should have done the draft at The Max though, so that I could see Jeff. I mean...
I'm buying three tickets with my dad's credit card, and I'll pick Edge James, Willis McGahee, and Daunte Culpepper, all smooth brothers. Wait, I don't have a racial identity.

 

11:59 PM, New Year's Eve
So there's your Maker's and Coke. And four dollars, fifty cents change. Hey, have you ever heard that whatever you're doing at midnight is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year?
Yeah, I have. That's pretty interesting. So, looking at the clock as you're doing it, would you mind giving me money again? And--cough, cough--putting your mouth on my penis?
12:00 AM
What did you say?
Great, this is awkward now. Just as the clock strikes twelve. Figures. Here. Take a doll--fifty cents for your trouble.

 

Before we hand out any more awards, we would like to take this opportunity to remember those we've lost in the past year, including Willie Hutch, Robert Moog, and some guy from the Chi-Lites.
And we would also like to recognize Sly Stone and Steve Schmitt, proud recepients of the Lifetime Achievement Awards and the Trustees Prize.
And the album of the year is coming right up, but we would be remiss if we didn't honor the legacy of Richard Pryor. Even though you didn't have much to do with music, Rich, we miss you.
Album of the year is coming up, right after this performance featuring a young, exciting performer and an over-the-hill guy from the '70s to validate that kid's presence here.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for...the album of the year, of course, goes to...Kan--U2?
...but before we hand that out, we would like to have another In Memoriam presentation for the relevance of this meaningless award.

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