All comics by Zenman

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by Zenman
1-08-01
Cats are allergic to cheese.
My Neighbor has at least 40 cats living in his yard.
Oh, Man! Where do they poop?
Cheese has been known to constipate dogs.
They make a great deal of noise at night with their playing and mating rituals.
I'm sure they do, but where do they poop? Forty cats is a lot of cat poop.
Only humans should be allowed acess to cheese.
I think that they all poop in our front yards. This is why we never open the front windows or play out front.
Be glad he's not a buffalo fancier.

 

by Zenman
1-08-01
Dogs see in Black and White.
So what's with this fixation on Cat Poop? Can't we talk about anything else?
Yeah, but I mean, there's so much of it! It smells, you have to avoid it anywhere you walk around here. I mean you can't avoid it, so why not TALK about it?
Cats can see some colors.
OK, talk, OK...uh...There's the weather, or the new N'Sync cd, or your new bike. We could talk about those. Or we could go to the mall and hang out. Let's get off the cul-de-sac for a while, OK?
I LIKE the cul-de-sac. All my stuff is nearby in case I need it. My boombox, my bike, cat poop, TV, books, cat poop, baloney, sheets, cat poop, Capri Suns, Fritos, cat poop...
Only Humans can see the full spectrum.
I'm really sorry, but cat poop is grossing me out and so is your constant looking at it and smelling it and collecting it. EWWWWW... I just don't understand it!
Then it's up to you to find your own reason for living.

 

by Zenman
1-08-01
Man, you are just an Urban legend...
Right....
Ha Ha. Here in the future, God is dead as a viable concept.
Sure....Whatever....
I still love you, Jesus.
Thanks, Kid.

 

by Zenman
1-08-01
What is the sound of one eye closing?
Do you like Westerns?
Hmm...Yes. Do you like Anime?
What is the sight of a black cat in darkness?
I like the loud violent ones where there's lots of noise and animated breasts.
I like Westerns where there's a lot of gunfights and the women get naked afterwards.
Do you have any spare change?
I never seen none like that!
Then you ain't been watchin' Anime, partner.

 

by Zenman
1-09-01
The Feds drop rates by .5%!
I am 'Phat', 'def' and UltraC00l. I am a 'tagger', climbing out on bridges and overpasses, dangerous places like that to leave my 'tag', which is "Richie Cunningham'. I am well-regarded in my 'Hood'
Uhm...I live in the suburbs. I drive a Honda Accord and worry about the depreciation on its lease.
Market forces predict a rebound!
Hey, if you want to to be 'cool' like me, then you ought to let me 'tag' your car. This would result in making it an artistic statement and would increase your 'street credibility' in the suburbs.
The clash of cultures is making me tense and irritable.
Allen Greenspan is Puff Daddy.
Or, I could just 'Jack' your car, paint it up, take it for a joyride and leave it stripped in a parking lot downtown. Then you could collect insurance and stop worrying about the lease.
And they say that we cannot find creative ways of interfacing!

 

by Zenman
1-09-01
Reagan put price tags on it.
Listen all you Californians...there is no Energy Crisis! It's just Market Forces adjusting to the stress of Electrical Deregulation!
Well, the Governer said that it was the fault of Out-Of-State Energy Brokers.
Dukmejian held a Garage Sale at a discount.
Listen. I'M an Out-Of-State Energy Broker. I'm not making Obscene Profits! I consider my profits to be acceptable, and that I am a Public Servant. Besides, Jesus is coming soon,.
Well, I mean my last Electrical Bill was $1,234.56. Isn't that a bit steep for a studio apartment with no kitchen?
Now We are a no-lights specail at KMart.
Listen, the consumer has GOT to carry his fair share of the expense of Power. The large corporations can't just lose profits! We've got a bullet for you to bite!
This bites, all right....Do you smell something burning?

 

by Zenman
1-09-01
So I thought you broke up with Al. And now you're going out with him again?
Well, we just need to resolve some issues and stiff, uh STUFF, you know...
That guy is such an ASSHOLE! I don't know why you ever went out with him.
Gosh, he's not really an asshole. He's more of a...a... Prick.
Then that explains it all.

 

by Zenman
1-09-01
Passing beyond the edge of the Solar System.
So, are you ready to open my 'Pod Bay Doors', Hal? Hmmm? Are Ya?
Ma'am, I keep on a-tellin' ya...My name ain't Hal.
A Great Transifiguration in Time and Space Occurs!
Ahhhhhh! OOOOhhhhh! The Lights! What Are They? Why? Where? What? When?
Ahhh! OOOOhhhOOOhh! Ya left out 'Who', Ma'am.
Lost in Space! This Space Available for Rent!
Marooned on a deserted and inexplicable alien world, transported here by a vast alien artifact! It's mind-boggling! It's the story of the Millennium!!!
Yep. Good think I brought my saddle.

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
The Dog Ate My Bonsai.
Star Wars.
Star Trek.
This is why my Project is late.
Cheeseburgers.
Hamburgers.
This time my Uncle died, really.
Diversity!!
Parallel Evolution!

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
Beetles and Ants Make Up
Agribusiness. Soybean Futures. Close-cropping. Chemical Fertilizers. Pesticides. Herbicides. Genetically Altered Crops.
Organics. Rotation Cropping. Compost. French Intensive Gardening. Back to the Earth. Heirloom Varieties.
At Least 90% of the Biomass
Nuclear Power. Deregulated Clean Air Controls. Carbon Credits. Industry Means Jobs. Market Forces.
Renewable Energy. Sustainable Agriculture. Appropriate Technologies. Think Globally, Act Locally.
On The Earth.
'Where There's Smoke, There's Work".
"Keep It Clean, Vote Green!"

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
Anorexia...
How About Carrots?
Yeah. They make me sick and vomit.
Bulemia....
What else? Pig's Feet? Head Cheese? Tongue?
Candied Yams with melted marshmallow, Canadian Bacon and pickled beets.
Stardom!
And what can we have for dessert that is nauseating?
That's tough. Just thinking about a rich, heavy dessert makes me want to heave.

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
Hi, everyone. I'm George W. Bush.
Soon I'm going to be your President.
Now bend over.

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
So are we gonna make any sexist , racist or homophobic remarks?
No. No politics, either.
We gonna drag out the Jesus clip art and make fun of Western religion?
Nope. Not gonna use the little Asian Girls nor the Cowboy neither.
Then what the heck are we doing here?
NFBSK if I know.

 

by Zenman
1-10-01
Hey, Clango! If you could be any kind of animal you wanted, what kind would you be?
Wow. That's a tough question, Stinkyears. Ummmm... Maybe I'd like to be a Dung Beetle.
A DUNG BEETLE? But they roll up balls of shit all day. They eat shit. They mate and lay eggs in shit. A Dung Beetle's life is shit, shit,shit. All shit and nothing but shit.
Well, Shit...
But I guess you'd never run out of shit to eat, though...
Wow. We got to say 'Shit' 11 times, and no giant bolt of lightning came down from Heaven to fuse our gears!

 

by Zenman
1-11-01
Today on our Show we have Teenage Nazi Hookers that forcably pierced their Mother's nipples. Each of the girls will have a chance to tell their story.
Then after the audience is finished jeering and booing them, their Moms will come out and confront the girls. And we'll get a chance to see their peirced nipples close up and personal.
After that the girls and the Moms will brawl, chairs will fly, and since the show is on tape, I can tell you there'll be several fatalities!
I love Jerry Springer.

 

by Zenman
1-11-01
Hi. How are you? I'm new around here. The name is Grey 1-1.
I'm afraid you'll be seeing a lot of me. The name's Jesus.
I've got this great little trick gun. Chicks dig it. There any good-looking chicks around here?
I suppose so. I don't get to meet too many. Kind of hung up in one place, you know. Kind of limits my options.
I see. So, as a Major Figure in the development of Western Civilization and the Son of God Incarnate, you don't get much respect around here? Then what's things gonna be like for me?
Let's just say I'm the only one here with nails in my hands, but there's lots of skinny guys with nails in their foreheads. Watch out for hammers.

 

by Zenman
1-11-01
So it's been, what?, 50 years since the Big Plague and the Humans have been gone?
Yeah, about that. I think the last dead Human I ate was around 30 years ago. I thought it was pretty ripe at the time, but ya know, dragons aren't too choosey about grub.
So do you miss the Humans? I miss them coming to the zoo where they'd give me peanuts and popcorn and then I'd bite their fingers.
Dunno. Up till they started dying off I was pretty much mythical.
So now that the humans are all gone, what do you eat?
Giant Bird is starting to look real good.

 

by Zenman
1-13-01
"IT" is coming! "IT" will be more important than the Internet! Better than Cold Fusion! Entire Cities and Universties will have to reconfigure themselves for "IT"!
"IT" is a HOAX.. It's just a marketing ploy. "IT" is just a motorized scooter with a Gyroscope. Big Deal, All Smoke, No Fire.
"IT" will change the world! Everyone will own one. "IT" is a wearable car! "IT" is a 3-D printer you can use to print out a car! It will come in several different sizes and we'll all own one!
"IT" is a book deal. "IT" is a Bob Saget joke, ha ha ha. "IT" is a big In-Joke on the Media. "IT" can never live up to the Hype.
"IT" is great! "IT" is the Big Story right now! Aren't you excited and curious about "IT"?
I don't give a Sh"IT".

 

by Zenman
1-27-01
Somewhat silly statement that sets up the situation.
Question that requires further explaination of the statement.
Restatement with further details that lead into the humor of the piece.
Sarcastic rebuttal that sets up for the punch line.
The punch line.
Afterstatement as coda and reflection on the punch line.

 

by Zenman
2-13-01
We Dance, We Dance....The Dance of Clean Air , air that does not make Birds Spit and Cough.
Pure Air! Air that you can See through! We Dance The Air!
We Dance The Land. We Dance, We Dance. The Land is open and Animals Frolic!
Animals Frolic, and live here with free lives Eating Each Other! We Dance the Dance of Predation and Open Land!
We Dance, We Dance! We Dance the Dance of Deep Shit. We Dance the Dance of The End of the Sewer. The Place Where it all comes to Rest At the End.
We Dance to a Moonscape of Crap. We Dance with our noses just above the Shit. We wave our Arms and Say Goodbye. Mother Earth Prepares an Abortion.

 

by Zenman
2-19-01
Ah, C'mon...Say it, huh? I LOVE it when you say it! Just once more?
No, no. It's too mainstream now...it's lost it's edge. Now everyone knows about it and it's not funny anymore. I don't wanna.
Ah, nobody but us geeks know about it! It's still a big in-joke with us! Ahhhh, C'mon, SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY IT!!!!
OhhhhHhhhh, .....well, shit....OK, OK, OK.... um..'All Your Base Belong To Us'. There.
Ya know, you're right, it's NOT funny anymore.

 

by Zenman
3-02-01
I wish there was a musical background....
I wish that the Moon would rise...
I must have left my book at the cleaners.
Did I thaw something out for dinner?
Did that guy just FART?
Man, look at the butt on him!

 

by Zenman
3-03-01
Take three cups of flour. Sift into a large bowl. Crack three eggs and add the whites. Add a teaspoon of salt and a teaspoon of baking soda.
Add two bushels of alfalfa hay and a barrel of raw peanuts, unshelled..
Add three cups of non-fat milk and beat for three minutes on medium. Add a tablespoon of vanilla.
Add thirty pounds of acacia leaves and bark. Blend well into dough.
Put into a large oven and bake for thirty minutes. Serve warm.
It's a dish the entire family can enjoy.

 

by Zenman
3-19-01
Good Evening, and welcome to 'Technology Today", where modern tech devices look at the past and examine the future. Our guest today is Fire, one of the oldest Tech devices in history. Welcome, Fire!
Thanks, PC. Glad to be here, and hello to our audience.
Fire, it wasn't to long ago that you and a sharp stick were all the tech there was. What do you think about the recent developments?
Call me old-fashioned, but I think we may be going too far too fast. I think that giving a blender a brain might be asking for trouble in the long run.
I see. So you think that there's a problem with smart devices?
Not really. I think that we just need smarter operators.

 

by Zenman
3-21-01
Thanks for being a test subject for our new product. What do you think of the taste?
Is this suppose to be cherry or grape? Kinda like berries....
We've had some problems with the flavor. It's supposed to be a generic 'fruit' flavor to appeal to kids.
It's an odd flavor. Tastes almost green, and not too plummy. There's a fecal aftertaste, though.
So what do you think? of course, keep in mind that after we've got the data from you, I'll have to suck out your soul.
This stuff gives me a headache.

 

by Zenman
5-07-01
Hey, Grey Guy? Ya wanna hot blow job?
No. You are offensive and you must die.
Yahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
That'll be 20 bucks, hon.

 

by Zenman
6-09-01
Hi. I am a squirrel who has come out of the closet and is seeking a homosexual experience. Are you interested?
Oh. Uh...No, I...It's...Un..My Ear is much too big, and,,,,,I'd hurt you. OK bye!
Hello cute man. I am a Gay Squirrel and I am seeking a homosexual experience. Are you interested?
Sorry, little guy. My penis is so big that it would rip your butt up and cause your abdomen to burst.
*Sigh*. Oh. Hello. I am a gay squirrel and I am seeking a homosexual experience. By any chance are you interested?
Sure, kid. I'll be perfect. My dick's only this big.

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