All comics by astropolis

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by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, Back At The North Pole...
where'd that sandblasted specimen of family rodentia go?
i'm down here, expand-o-gut!
keep looking, fat ass!
when i find that nut chucker, i'll have missus claus fix me a nice helping of squirrel parmigiana... dang, did my printed voice spell parmigiana right?
have you by chance, my good fellow, seen a squirrel distributing anti-semetic literature in these parts?
what'd you say, big nose?

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, Back In The West Bank...
i dare say, fellow, why don't you celebrate christmas?
no thumbs... can't open gifts
"you know, i once lived in a x-mas tree. what days those were! if you told me then how much i'd hate x-mas now, i wouldn't have believed a word of it."
It's A Wonderful Life...
now, if you'll excuse me, i have more hate literature to spread around
oh, how wrong you are, my good fellow, you see... this is one of those "it's a wonderful life" deallies, and it is i, santa, who will be your escort

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, On The Set Of 'Phantasm'...
so, santa, how's this sordid trip back through the particulars of my squirrelly upbringing work?
very simple, i've rifled through your diary and picked out the relevant events and in a poof!, we're there
you snooping bastard!
never mind that now, do you know where we are?
i have no idea, you bloody incompetent git!
great... well, chin up, lad, i'll just... uhm, hmmm... where's the diary?

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Still On The Set Of Phantasm...
you bright red, bearded bastard! we're lost!
preposterous! how dare you insinuate i've lost my sense of direction! i've guided teams of reindeer through fog thick as porridge!
lot of bloody good that does us here where there's no fog, no up or down, and, most importantly, no bleedin' reindeer!
calm down, fellow, calm down... all is not lost
really? why's that?
i just realized i've been using your diary as a suppository... one bite of this laxative bar and we'll be out of this mess in a jiffy!

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, We're Live At Folsom Prison...
saints alive, what in missus claus' drawer i'm not allowed to go in to are we doing here?
hot damn! i'm back in folsom... my first christmas away from home!
"i shared my cell with disgraced cardinal breckenridge... oh, what glorious times we had!"
i have a sinking suspicion, dear lad, that i do not wish to hear the rest of this story...
right, like i really wanted to hear about your using my diary as a suppository?

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
"cardinal breckenridge and i would spent each anxious night away from home sharing the details of our lives... details most folks usually aren't privy to"...
i use my left hand
really? that's interesting... newsweek said that's a sign of genius
"soon, i came to know him on a much more deeper level than i feel that i could ever know another squirrel"...
... and then father malloy insisted that we use paprika... what was i to do, deny the magistrate his paprika?
see, that's what i'm talking about... so did you crank up "the human league" or what?
"then, that first christmas away from home, disgraced cardinal breckenridge laid the truth on me"...
there is no santa claus
... and that's when my sister yelled out in front of the whole class "my daddy double pene-"... wait a second, what'd you just say?

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, Back At Folsom Prison, December Of 1999...
what the bloody cheap diaphragm do you mean there's no bloody santa claus?
it's just as i said, quite simply the man is a myth
"disgraced cardinal breckenridge's words of truth stung, stung so deeply i wasn't aware just how much they stung"...
impossible, i used to live in a x-mas tree... i must've seen the man myself a thousand times!
squirrelly, i realize this must be hard for you to hear right now, on your own at christmas time for the first time this time, in time the time will come...
"disgraced cardinal breckenridge often stumbled over the word 'time'"...
are we floating?
it appears so

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
"in time i learned to accept disgraced cardinal breckenridge's position on santa claus as fact... he certainly had his supporting evidence laid out"...
that sure was an informative screening of "north pole: rules of engagement", disgraced cardinal breckenridge
do you see now how the government has covered this whole thing up?
"it all made perfect sense"...
but what hand did ethel kennedy play in all of this?
actually, it was rose... and her role was crucial...
my boy, you're pulling my leg... you truly believe santa claus doesn't exist and yet here before you stand i
yeah right, that's the same line you used on me at the west seattle k-mart last winter!

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Dateline: 2002, Folsom Prison
do you disbelieve thine own eyes, young lad of nottingham?
ha! anyone can grow their beard out, dye it white, don a bright red crush velvet suit with plush sleeping cap and soot covered boots! in fact, i've done it on a number of occasions!
really?
yep
do it then
oh, hell no

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Things Continue To Go Sour For Santa Within The Walls Of Folsom Prison...
so what, young fellow, exactly were in here for anyway?
you really wanna know?
well, it's not a bloody crime against humanity is it? you're out now, after all!
well, okay...
"if you really wanna know"...
out with the old, in with the new! out with the old, in with the new!

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Santa Is Confronted With The Grim Truth Of The Vessel Of His Mission
great sacks of bombing of berlin memorial portraits! how many people did you end up killing?
21, not counting the massage therapist
"this is just like that day i saw saint elmo's fire"
yeah, that movie sucked

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Meanwhile, Santa's Yellow Streak Is Revealed...
well, laddie, i propose it is high time we got out of here, this place is giving me the creeps
you're such a 'fraidy cat, santa
well, why shouldn't i be? this place represents the darkest period of your "wonderful life", it's absolutely terrifying
i suppose you have a point... alright, on to the next place
oh, bloody piss

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
At The Mausoleum Gates...
At The Bloody Mausoleum Gates, already! I'm suffering from laryngitis as it is! Insufferable bastards!!

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
At the bloody mausoleum gates... well, not bloody in the sense that they are covered in blood or anything, no not that. in the profane sense, that is, more rather...
as i was saying... bloody piss!
so... why are we here?
she was the light of my life, santa... and i miss her
oh... oh, oh, oh, oh! i thought this was some kind of sick, cross-species, necrophiliac kind of thing...
she died at christmas, santa

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
Santa and Squirrelly Face Off...
it's all so clear now... somehow you've associated the unfortunate demise of your beloved betrothed with the very fact of my existence... by negating me, you somehow positively reinforce her!
screw you, santa... you're no sigmund freud!
well, i resemble him, don't i?
not even in the slightest bit?
the teensiest, tiniest bit?
i bloody hate squirrels

 

by astropolis
11-16-02
EXT: Spooky graveyard at night
i suppose you're right, santa... i do blame you for her... her death... see there, you happy now? you've made a grown squirrel cry!
(sniff, sniff)
semantics, santa, semantics...
you forgot to mention that you're a nasty, homicidal, priest molesting, anti-semetic squirrel

 

by astropolis
11-17-02
Downtime at the Necropolis...
santa, you miserable zionist... hand me a box of tissues (sniff)
my dear boy, i am perplexed... how could i lend you a box of tissues if, by your own confession, you believe i do not exist?
my nose is stuffed, you charlatan, hand me a bloody box of tissues!
right, right... would a 60 count box do?

 

by astropolis
11-17-02
well, this certainly is a long warp!
yeah... we must be going way back into my past!
any minute now...
i hope there's room in ma's womb for all this!

 

by astropolis
11-17-02
"It's A Wonderful Life" continues...
so, young companion, where are we now?
judging by the half-eaten chocolates, dead roses, handcuffs, hotel key, and bloody sheets, i'd say we're in the room where i was conceived
hmm... pray tell
oh, do!

 

by astropolis
11-17-02
Back at the Route 9 Motel 6...
forgive me for saying, but what does this seedy hotel room have to do with your losing your faith in santa claus?
how should i know?
i don't whose psyche is more badly damaged by this whole affair... yours or mine?
i plead the fifth

 

by astropolis
11-17-02
INT: Room 217
judging from that imprint on the sheets, dad must have lain there
enough, enough, enough! i can't tolerate another nanosecond of this depravity!
i quit... this is the most disgusting assignment you've sent me on yet... it's sick. it's depraved... bloody demoralizing
get your ass back down there, you bright red, bearded git! and when you do, save me some mints from that cheap motel!
bamboozled!

 

by astropolis
11-19-02
Squirelly, trapped in 1979!
hear that? it's the shower
right after santa skedaddled, they came in
god, my mom was hot back then!

 

by astropolis
11-19-02
Trapped in the past!
an odd compulsion has come over me
it's all i can do from going into that shower and introducing my mother to my machismo
must... fight... sinister... urge!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
Out on Route 9...
that's it, i'm comin' for you, mom!
shit! the door's locked! if this doesn't just sour this entire third panel, i don't know what does!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
The Wrongness Continues...
must... fight... multiple... urges... at... once!
no cheap hotel room door can stand in the way of a squirrel... and his mother!
all right, us floor insects and microbials are eatin' tonight!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
Meanwhile, Outside Room 217
steel yourself, santa... behind this door shall be sights unseen by even your worst-case scenario Humane Society rescued reindeer
(deep breath)
oh, fuck me!
wrong room! wrong room!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
now, hold it right there, squirrelly, stop and think about what you're doing!
i'm going to be doing my mother, that's what i'll be doing!
what?
that's right, i said i'm going to be doing my mother... so what?
is she hot?

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
Still In 1979... Or Are We?
look, squirrelly, i was wrong... santa was wrong, we're in the year 1997
we are?
yes, that's right, we are
so, that's why the squirrels in the shower in the room i just came out of weren't my parents
yes, that's right
you know, i don't know why i couldn't tell, they say a squirrel never forgets the odor of his mother's vaginal secretions

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
A Crisis Averted...
so, let's get out of here
okay... um, santa?
yes?
so what were we doing here anyway?
the squirrels in that hotel room are the parents of the second missus squirrelly... we were here to warn them about you, that's all
oops!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
... Or Not A Crisis Averted
oops? what do you mean "oops"?
well, i don't know how to say this...
say it, say it!
well, i killed them, santa
do you hear that? those are sirens! what have you got us into?!
me? you're the one who brought me here! don't you at least bear part of the responsibility?! ow, i got brain stuck in my teeth!

 

by astropolis
3-12-03
Somewhere In East Texas...
maybe we can just sneak out of here
aw, fuck, santa! what are you whining about? can you just go back in time and warn them of our little visit?
someone said they saw a squirrel and a transient covered in blood leave the scene
dammit, rodney, i want an APB out on that homeless fuck- STAT!
no, we can't... it doesn't work that way, what's done is done
what! bullshit! give me back my diary! after we fix this mess, i'll show you how to really fuck up the last week of a mormon's mission in equatorial africa!

 

by astropolis
7-15-03
BZAP! Attention All Units! Be on the look-out for homeless transient, 66 inches tall, covered in blood and viscera. In the company of bushy tailed rodent, possible a squirrel.
WARNING! Our perps are extremely armed and dangerous. SHOOT... TO KILL!
damn! finally get a crack at the best hooker in town and this shit goes down. sorry, shirley, i'll have to take a rain check
you still gonna pay me, right, officer? shirley ain't free, baby!

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