All comics by br3akfast

 

wake me when i'm dead by br3akfast 2-02-02
meanwhile, back at the polyester ranch ... hey robot, where's my ham sandwich? zzzkkk* i have not seen it lately zzzzkkk*	i could have sworn it left a note saying that it would be back soon zzzkkk* maybe you misread it and your sandwich is NEVER, EVER COMING BACK!!! zzzzkkk*	what else could go wrong today? i've had the operation. our love is forever dead. you make me want to vomit repeatedly.

 

the happy helmet and goth kids: destiny? i think so. by br3akfast 2-02-02
one day, while brushing his teeth in a kfc bucket ... i notice that your rear half is very, very close to me right now that's because i'm an entertainer	... you mean like eddie vedder? here, i'll show you.	um, that's awfully warm and wet, not to mention disgusting sort of like pearl jam, isn't it?

 

rock and roll to save your soul (if it was worth the effort) by br3akfast 2-02-02
there are times when science goes right. which has nothing to do with this ... my throat is dry. how do you say 'poop' in french?	... ...	'merde'. woo hoo! kool-aid and drunk white women for everybody!

 

spuds mckenzie visits drunk tank high school - film at 11 by br3akfast 2-03-02
well, i feel gypped ... so besides flying around and blowing things up, what can you do? i'm a transformer! watch.	note to self: buy preparation h. autobots roll out!	so now you're a t.v. that's right. less deadly but more annoying ... which is sort of a tradeoff.

 

blood bounces on ice, so what are you worried about? by br3akfast 2-03-02
ladies and gentlemen, a public service announcement from the olympic torch, soon to be starring in the 2002 salt lake city olympic games, on terrorism and its effects on the games:	face it, you're screwed. even if you avoid the bombs, you'll probably be run over in the parking lot. or converted to mormonism. here's a tip: go watch the special olympics. they're more entertaining.	br3akfast would like to apologize for the preceding comment and claims no responsibility or liability for its offensive nature. however, if you actually are offended, it must suck to be you.

 

that was a good drum break by br3akfast 2-04-02
i'm not wearing any pants.	I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!!	you know, mirror, you can be an uppity bitch sometimes.

 

mmmm, tasty foot. by br3akfast 2-04-02
ever say the wrong thing at the wrong time? look! i can shoot nails out of my butt. what did you have for lunch?	mexican with extra beans, which were filled with beany goodness. ouch, bean daddy, ouch.	are you going to cry? i want us to have a jewish wedding.

 

let's have a party with cake and cola and all our friends by br3akfast 2-07-02
ever been to a party in a college town? various greek letters on my clothing mean i am 'cool'! i'm different because i wear black.	someone sets the xerox to 'loser' and 'gimp' and then goes on break. which 'jennifer' are you? there are at least 37 here, not to mention the 'tiffany's. i am 'spooky' but prefer to be called 'mystical.'	occasionally there are fights, the quality of which does not outweigh the cheap, watery beer and the mindless chattering of your supposed friends. *&^$@%!my scrunchie is cuter! die bitch, die!$(&*%^#**@ i must look away from all of you, for i am 'dark' and 'scary'. can i kiss you with the 'darkness' of my 'soul'?

 

like tossing a can of beefaroni into the middle of fat camp. by br3akfast 2-07-02
wherefore art thou, burl ives' mustache trimmer? "RING RING RING!"	i'm so terribly sorry, mother. " I SAID, RING RING RING, BEEYATCH!"	somehow, this just doesn't seem kosher. "EAT INVISIBLE BOMBS, DIP-SHIT! THIS IS A *BZZZSQUAWK* RECORDING. BEEP."

 

battle of the ages and all time part one of possibly several by br3akfast 2-08-02
windows xp versus an old t.v. with vertical hold!	"windows has crashed for no apparent reason and there is roughly jack shit you can do about it. so VOMIT ON YOU." "coming up next: SEVEN HOURS OF TONY DANZA! featuring kirk cameron as the full rectal prolapse. you'll laugh. you'll cry. you'll beg for death."	this is retarded. ... but not necessarily over.

 

battle of the ages of all time part two with more to come. by br3akfast 2-08-02
super exciting fight GO! "a fatal exception o.e has occurred (a.k.a. the magic gnomes that live in the monitor have gone on strike)." "and now ... a very special pokemon, where the yellow one gets graphically molested with a monkey wrench."	"the website you requested is not available. meanwhile, here's a list of reasons that do nothing to explain this as well as 437890385679 pop up ads." "channel crap now continues its three week tribute to the solid gold dancers, featuring new moves by angela lansbury and bea arthur."	this is still retarded. "system busy helping some guy in new zealand download porn. screw you and whatever you might have needed your own computer for." "home shopping network comedy variety flour hour featuring boy bands and hosted by richard simmons: NOW ON EVERY CHANNEL!"

 

battle of the ages for all time part three and change by br3akfast 2-09-02
and the battle rages, rages on! "windows xp: the prettier, faster way to buttfuck whatever you're trying to do on a computer." "t.v.: fifty years of making you more stupid than even twelve years of school could."	"why are we fighting? let's join forces." "i agree to your terms and hope that web t.v. does not sue us even though they are bankrupt (i think)."	t.v. pulls a fast one! i always knew t.v. was a liar. it promised me a flying car when i was five. now i'm 24. do i have a flying car? HELL NO. "t.v. and windows. people who read books are fucked now." only until i can find those 'charles in charge' reruns. then your ass is mine.

 

battle called off (but maybe only temporarily) by br3akfast 2-12-02
t.v. and windows xp have joined forces ... "so with our combined power we will rule the world." "or at least topeka, kansas. (suddenly this seems less than worth it.)"	so we will rule with a reign of terror and inexplicable, useless applications!" "don't forget the endless episodes of any disney cartoon made after 'ducktales'."	this is still retarded. p.s.: we're all fucked. "PREPARE TO FEEL THE POWER OF DUMB (also corporate monopoly)." "and 'small wonder'! none can compare!"

 

battle battle blah blah blah by br3akfast 2-13-02
what hath t.v. and windows xp wrought? "i ahve now transformed into the MICROSOFT HARBINGER OF TECH DOOM! quiver before my power. who wants to touch me?" "so you're more powerful now?"	if you're like me, and i know i am, then you sense a betrayal coming on ... "yep. want to touch me?" "no. what brought about this change?"	yep, we were right. which doesn't make this any less retarded. "our combined powers made me into the MHOTD. give me a dollar." "i see. well guess what, dolores! i'm going to stab you in the back. eat flaming FULL HOUSE MARATHON HOSTED BY JIMMY SWAGGART!"

 

battle ends, go home by br3akfast 2-13-02
this is getting old. we know how it will end: with a catchy song and death working the dance floor like a mugger. "oh no, i have powered down but mysteriously refuse to actually shut off because windows is cleaning the cache, which i think is a secret term for getting teabagged." "that's right bitch, no one can stand against my twin terrors, ONE DAY AT A TIME and SAVED BY THE BELL: THE COLOSTOMY YEARS."	"BZZT. does not compute. windows will rise again, like a phoenix out of the unix. i mean ashes." "and now i will do the only remotley cool thing in this series: play the hawaii five-o theme song as my victory dance soundtrack! woo!"	see? i told you so. p.s. i also feel dumber for having written this. "that's right, windows, inane programming wins again! look at this booty shake." i should kill it to save mankind, but, man, that groovin soundtrack makes me want to shake it all night long.

 

super american teenage dance party! by br3akfast 2-21-02
the humpty dance is your chance to do the hump.	do me baby.	do the humpty hump. "we are dance, dance, dance, dance, dancin' machines. watch us get down. watch us get down."

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