All comics by Poopachuse

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by Poopachuse
1-18-01
Master, as your loyal friend I feel I must tell you, I am envious.
Why is that, my faithful companion?
I have trouble fathoming human emotions such as elation and remorse. Could you help me understand them?
Certainly, my dear robot. Elation is what you feel when you create a robot with superior thinking capabilities.
And remorse?
And remorse is what you feel when you realize you must destroy that robot because it is asking questions it wasn't programmed to ask.

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
Tonight on "The Sick and Deranged," Three homosexual ninja rabbits discover the pleasures of tantric sex, in the middle of a Catholic sermon!
Jeez, more of that yuppie "shock television."
Dazzle your eyes with the writhing movements of a pregnant mother's innards as a baby is born. Only on the Lifetime Channel.
Darn, another ranting feminist show.
Crack addicts and perverts run our country on tonight's episode of "Our Nation."
Finally, something with a bit of truth.

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
The ball represents my life. As I toil to create balance, I still find myself burdened by the forces of nature, or gravity.
Hehehehehehe! Looky at the cute puppy!
As I strive towards equipoise, I see the one obstacle in my path.
Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy!
The benightedness of the human race. Yes, I see it, man must die.
I'm burning! Oh why are you doing this, puppy?

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
Woe is me and this two-dimensional existence.
You'll get used to it, man!
How can I become used to this x and y bound world? I have always thought that the real world is trilinear.
Two dimensions are just fine, man. Keep it simple, keep it real.
Maybe the two-dimensional universe is only comfortable to the two-dimensional mind.
Thats it, man. I can help you out. 40 bucks and I can score you some wicked acid, man.

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
What happened? Where am I? Who is that all bloody and mangled over there? It looks like...it looks like me!
Your life has come to pass, human.
Is it my time already? But I am too young to die! I am an internet jockey for chrissake, the world needs me! Where are we going?!!
Patience, mortal. Your pathetic primate soul is now mine for the harvesting. You will now spend the rest of eternity undertaking the worst of all penalties for your kind, asking a hot girl on a date!
So... do you wanna like come over to my house, and maybe I can show you around my room? My mom wont be home until 4.
Even though I'm sure your room is interesting, I dunno, I've got a date with Satan tonight and he might be mad if I cancel.

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
Mr. Christ, sir? I have a dilemma.
How may I help you, my son?
Your allowance of this nuclear war is making me question my faith. How can I overcome these feelings of doctrinal divergence?
Oh, Mr. heretic clown, I did not allow this apocalypse...
Ow, I'm burning!
I created it to abolish all atheist clowns!

 

by Poopachuse
1-19-01
Where... where am I?
You have been abducted to infuse our species with vivid coloration.
I... I don't get it.
Our planet has a very diminutive light spectrum. Now that we are invading other worlds with bigger spectrums, we need the pigment of skin to fit in. Now please fornicate with the copulation robot.
Do you want the bottom or the top, baby?

 

by Poopachuse
1-20-01
Is this absolutely necessary?
Yes, the advancement of my master's race depends on this one sexual transfer.
How do I start?
Well, I have studied on Earth aesthetics and protocal requires that we see a movie, snort a few lines on white amphetamine powder, and get nude in the back of what you humans call "a station wagon."
Oh my god...
Hell, I'm horny. Lets forego all of that and fuck.

 

by Poopachuse
1-21-01
Oh omnipotent puppy, I have come with an inquiry for you. I have a Ph.D. in theoretical physics, yet people look at me as though I were a cheap whore. What should I do?
Wait one moment while I contemplate, oh fellow creature of the Earth.
Okay.
On one hand, she has much potential in helping me take over the planet. Yet on the other hand, she is a human. Yes, the answer is clear to me now.
Maybe I deserve this.
Yes, yes you do. Just like every other humanoid biped who has looked down on my species for thousands of years. You better get used to that burning sensation, you'll be feeling it thoughout eternity.

 

by Poopachuse
1-21-01
Should I buy some?
Yes you do, man! Here, you can have some for free.
Alright, so what do I do with it?
Put it under your tongue and let the saliva glands handle the rest, man.
Woah, who needs three dimensions?
¥öü å|®îgHt måñ? å ñåî| î§ îñ ¥öü® HËåÐ.

 

by Poopachuse
1-22-01
It's a hard, sad reality we live, my friend.
I dunno, it's okay once you have found a niche in your life, as synthetically manipulated as it is. Hell, you could say I'm completely happy with my life.
Really? What is it that makes you happy, your niche?
I collect semen from human abductees for my master, who belongs to a race of color-deprived superior aliens. Did I mention my master wants to take over the world?
Yuck.
Hey, nobody ever said that our dignity processes were manipulated well.

 

by Poopachuse
3-08-01
Here I sit, bored out of my skull. With no place to go and no evident goals to reach. Damn its tough being a teenager.
I need some change in my life.
Hmm, thats better, I think.

 

by Poopachuse
3-08-01
"ERROR: CANNOT READ DRIVE 'C:', PLEASE CONTACT THE MANUFACTURER AND SHELL OUT $300 DOLLARS TO FIX."
Oh the downfall of man is his dependence to computers
"ERROR: CANNOT READ DRIVE 'E:', PLEASE SELL YOUR HOUSE TO FIX."
Man worships these automated chunks of silicon and steel, not realizing that it is lowering his ability to think for himself.
"ERROR: CANNOT READ ANYTHING, PLEASE HANG YOURSELF FROM YOUR SHOWER CURTAIN."
Sometimes being omnipotent has its drawbacks. I can only destroy one computer at a time, and I will never control man as these machines do. Hmm, that gives me an idea.

 

by Poopachuse
3-13-01
A miniscule squirrel, so sweet, so innocent. Why are they here? How is it that they survive in cities and suburbs infested with that intolerable creature they call man?
Hey dog, gimmie a nut! Come on, gimmie gimmie gimmie!
They thrive free and without much care. How is it that my kind is trapped serving man when something so small and easy to exploit lives so independently?
Hey dog, you know where I can get any good nuts? Come on, tell me tell me tell me!
Perhaps its their acute ability to be self-serving yet cute and dumb at the same time. Damn Chip and Dale Disney conglomeration sterotypes must burn.
Hey dog, this sure is hot! Why did you set me on fire? Why why why?!

 

by Poopachuse
3-13-01
Great, another one of those evangelical shows claiming to collect massive amounts of money in my name.
And the lord spake: "Oh my son, do wear his intestines around your neck like a big, gooey necklace." And the lord did flash a toothy smile and wave.
Ok, that was fucked up.

 

by Poopachuse
3-23-01
Well, I am out of the depression clinic. I was there for five unforgettable days of my life.
I'm not sure what I am supposed to tell my friends when I get back to school on Monday. How do I explain to them I was admitted to a psych ward? I was always a big bullshitter.
Practice Yoga, my friend. Concentrate and discipline the mind. Once you can do that, the body will follow. Avoid outside distrations and you will do well. Good luck on the outside.

 

by Poopachuse
3-23-01
Default is cool.
You are right.
Yes, you are.
Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Anti-default! Hehehehehehehehehe!
Back to default.
What the fuck just happened?
Hehe, if you say the word "default" too much it makes no sense. Hehe, default, default, default, default, default, default, default!

 

by Poopachuse
3-26-01
Master, I have taken the semen sample and extracted the coloration genes as necessary.
Excellent my dear robot. I shall now infuse myself with it. Please wait while I step in the spectrum chamber.
In the spectrum chamber...
Oh, the pain!
Somehow I don't think that gave the desired affect.
What the hell happened? Why are you looking at me like that?

 

by Poopachuse
3-26-01
I love you, Jesus.
And I love you too, Satan.
What is it that we were fighting about? I forgot.
Oh, nothing important, really. Just which one of us should have total influence over the human race. Boy, was that a DUMB argument.
Yes, I am glad we resolved that one.
I love you, Satan.

 

by Poopachuse
5-01-01
Whats happening, man?
I was just thinking about trancending this mortal coil and giving my body to nature.
The only question is how can I do it painlessly. I guess I'm a bit cowardly, hell, nobody wants to die.
You could just give part of your body to nature and piss in that bush over there.
Yeah I am starting to feel a little pressure down below.

 

by Poopachuse
5-25-01
My friend, I have come to ask you a question.
You may ask it, my omnipotent brother.
Mankind views Hell as the place they DON'T want to go after their bodies have left the mortal coil. Why is that?
Well, "God" saw it as a way to reform indecent souls by getting them sent here. Souls that have ultimately been good their whole life are sent to Heaven to slave in "God's" salt mines.
And the reformed souls are reincarnated as politians on Earth, ahh the vicious circle.
Yeah, hey, you wanna jet over to The Hall of Vallhalla? I hear Thor is making a mean pork roast.

 

by Poopachuse
7-20-01
I've been sitting here for hours now, and still nothing has popped up from this grave. Though it has given me a chance to contemplate my existence...
Why am I here? What does this all mean? Why don't I have a girlfriend? What the hell is this phallus-shaped thing on my head?
I just want to die.
Let me eat your brains, you self-loathing penishead!

 

by Poopachuse
8-01-01
*sigh*
Why the long face, big guy?
I took one of those online IQ tests. The first test I found I scored a 151iq. On the other two tests I scored less than 100iq.
I can't see why you put so much merit in those tests. The people who develop those probably get some perverse sense of pleasure by making you feel like a dumbass.
Well, its too late now, I've already OD'd on vicodin. Oh, and I am making this face because I no longer have control over the muscles above my waist.
Damn, you are stupid.

 

by Poopachuse
8-02-01
You, mortal, why do you look so elated?
Summer school is finally over! The last month of summer is mine to enjoy, sans schoolwork!
And this makes you happy, not having the pressure of schoolwork to overburden your already languid summer?
Hell yes, now I can start getting high again without worrying about failing! Light it up, baby!
Let me give you a headstart.
Hey, you got any papers, man? Mine seem to have vaporized.

 

by Poopachuse
2-12-02
Dramatic music buildup...
Clango, I am here to claim your immortal soul!
Who sent you?
Vocals and strings...
My master is the Omnipotent Puppy!
That little ball-balancer? How could he possibly have a minion so powerful?
Music crecendos! (Note: Read my Omnipotent Puppy Series of comics)
Does this prove his power?
Damnit.

 

by Poopachuse
2-09-03
I'm gonna chop your head off and stuff my hand down your gaping neck!
No, no. The line was: "I'm gonna decapitate you and put my fist down your bloody stump." *sigh* did you even read the script?
In the awkward silence that followed, Chongo did not once consider stepping out of character.
Grrr...
...

 

by Poopachuse
2-20-03
Um, excuse me, miss? Me and some buddys sort of crashed into your city here, but don't worry, our intergalactic insurance will cover it.
...
Hey little dude, like, could you tell me where the Old Navy is?
*sigh* Blondes.
Like, have you ever seen the commercial? They've got those to-die-for zip-up fleeces now. Isn't that just like awesome?

 

by Poopachuse
2-23-03
So how is your life going, Sis?
I'm almost finished with my thesis, and my study about the mating habits of the rare, blind cave fish is about to get published in Scientific American. How goes your life, sibling?
My husband beat me this morning for making his eggs too runny. I'm pregnant with my fourth. Oh yeah, and I just got the blood test results back yeterday. Yeah, its syphilis.
You're fourth, huh?
Who would have thought?
You always were the pretty one.

 

by Poopachuse
2-26-03
So thats why I think its dangerous to change tires in the winter.
I always wondered why Santa Claus never came to my house.
I only clip my toenails when they start to curl under.
Did that chair just move by itself? Did you see that?
Now it all makes sense.
Wanna smoke another joint?
Surely.

 

by Poopachuse
3-06-03
Ghetto-Americans.
Yo, homie, you got some hizash for a brutha?
As long as you spot me some green and don't be a cop. Fuck the po-leece, man.
Alcoholic-Americans.
Uh, where was I last night?
We drank half a gallon of 151 and ran over a few pedestrians.
Deaf-Mute-Americans.
*GRUNT* *GRUNT!* *GRROOWWLL!*
*GROWL* *GRUNT* *MOOOO!*

 

by Poopachuse
3-09-03
This is Jesus, my ultimate foe. For the race of man that is in power obeys his will for the promise of eternal salvation.
Ah, the omnipotent puppy. "Savior" of the canines. It's too bad that you belong to a subservient species.
When I rule the Earth there will be only one thing I promise for that race of man...
I would give you everlasting life, but you know, animals don't have souls.
Eternal flame.
You can't do this to me! I'm Jesus, the Son of God! *cough cough* Man, this wood smells nasty when it burns.

 

by Poopachuse
3-10-03
Look what happend! You must've taken the wrong semen sample!
Oh master, I am so sorry. What can I do to fix this awful thing that I have done?
You must collect semen from another male of my former species, extract the correct genes, then turn me back! I think my brother is free this afternoon.
Oh dear god, not Julian.
You want the bottom or the top, baby?
I want a bucket to puke in.

 

by Poopachuse
3-11-03
A few days later...
That acid didn't do what I thought it would. It's all worn off, and now I just feel even shitter about living in two dimensions.
Give it time, man. Half of the whole LSD experience is trippin' Just wait a while, man.
Trippin? I've never heard of that. What is that?
Oh you'll know when it comes, man.
A few MINUTES later...
And so I says to Alice, I says: "Don't you go eating that funky fruit, or we just might have a midget on our hands." *teeheehee* I can smell your eyeballs.
Damn you're a lightweight, man.

 

by Poopachuse
7-10-03
Um, all-powerful puppy guy, I'm a representative of his almighty Lord Satan. We need to talk.
Speak freely, my firey friend.
You know that stunt you pulled, killing Jesus and eliminating all hope for the majority of the Occidental human race?
Yes, that was a good show my friend. Jesus will have a heck of a time resurrecting from that pile of ashes and nails!
Let's hope Satan has upgraded from his old Apple II's
Yeah, Satan wanted to know if you happened to take any polaroids, strictly for insurance reasons.
Polaroids? Haven't you heard? Genocide has gone digital, my friend. I have it all on my new Pentax 5mp Imaging and 5x Optical Zoom camera. Just get me a computer with Quicktime and a USB port.

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