All comics by PossumJenkins

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by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
I stole the new Sean Paul CD
Really?
Yep. What did you do?
I stole sensitive nuclear secrets
No shit?
Yep. I'm a hacker, baby!

 

by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
Slapnut the clown is anxiously awaiting his release on parole
Huh?
You can go now, Mr.Slapnut
Unemployed and broke, Slapnut tries to find the unemployment office
Say little girl, can you tell me where the unemployment office is?
Sure thing! It's a few blocks down thataway
Slapnut accidentally walks into a gay bar instead of the unemployment office
Any clown jobs available?
If you can strip, you've got yourself a job. Darn tootin!

 

by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
Dubya is giving a press conference on Iraq. This is after another suicide attack on U.S soldiers
Well people, it's all part of war. Besides, this will all be over very soon.
Mr.Bush, what do you mean by this? The war ended in May. Why are soldiers still dying?
Dubya is mincing words yet again.
Because they hate freedom. Because they hate us. Because we're Americans. They're terrorists and I must take care of them! Arrrr!
But Mr.Bush, you're not making much sense here. Are you going to continue to allow people to die like this?
Dick Cheney chimes in with a few words.
Umm Dick, what do you think?
I told you so, people. You shouldn't trust an evil pirate!

 

by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
Realizing that stripping isn't his thing, Slapnuts moves along to a better job.
I best be going. This gig isn't for me.
Whatever floats your rubber ducky. I best be going to do some plumbing. Yee-ha!
All of a sudden, he finds himself in a hot place with lots of weird looking creatures
Huh? Where am I? What the hell?
Why, you're in HELL! I've got someone for you to meet.
Slapnut meets his twin, SQUIGGY!
Who the fuck are you?
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

 

by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
Hey man! Just say NO!
You're going to be have to be more specific
Oh really? Why is that?
Just say NO to what? Besides, you look like another artifact from the 1960s. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?
Whoa! Lay off the hate, my brother! So you know where I can find some good skunk?
You're going to have to be more specific. *sigh*

 

by PossumJenkins
11-13-03
Er, so how did you end up in the pokey?
I ran over someone with my buggy and then pitchforked 'em to death
Sounds like fun
So, what did you do?
I caused the band Metallica to starve to death by downloading all their songs off of Kazaa. The RIAA threw me in here.
Hmm. I have never heard of this RIAA but I once stole a butter churn from a neighbor.

 

by PossumJenkins
11-14-03
Mr.Stinkybutts continues his recruiting of future smokers
Hey kid, have you ever smoked cigarettes before?
Why no, I haven't. But I hear that they're cool.
Them main argument about smoking is whether it causes air pollution or brain fogging.
That's right kiddo! In case you haven't bought into the hype, cigarettes are cooler than ever.
Well I am bothered by the militant anti-smokers and at the same time, the smokers rights people.
Bottom line, you can't deny the opinion of smokers in general. "We're all going to die anyway". Right?
You say way too much kid. Have a pack of cigarettes on me!
I dont' really care. We're all just gonna die anyway,right? Why not make it quicker?

 

by PossumJenkins
11-14-03
Jack Valenti of the RIAA pleads his case
So anyways kid, when you download music, you starve everyone to death. Including the janitors and the jizz moppers
But Mr.Valenti, don't you already make 100K a year? What have you got to lose?
Oh the grief! You have no idea how much we record executives suffer from this grave injustice
I don't see the problem. I'm just trying to enjoy music without paying a hell lot of money.
After much rambling, he finds himself in a very hot place.
What the hell happened here?
Shut up Jack. Perhaps a bit of time in a hot place will help your cause?

 

by PossumJenkins
11-15-03
Smoeone bought coffee at a fast food restaurant and got burnt. They sued and got millions of dollars in compensation. This is their story.
Er, welcome to Matador Burger. How may I be of service?
Umm, I spilled coffee on my lap and there's like, a 3rd degree burn or something
Sir, there's not really anything I can do. We serve our coffee at the regulated temperature
Oh, it's not fair! You should know better to serve hot coffee! I'm going to get my lawyer! #$%*&
It just seems as if people are getting stupider nowadays. There's enough lawyers in the world for every single stupid person.
Er, welcome to Matador Burger. How may I be of service?
My client says that you served hot coffee and he got burnt. We're going to take you down!

 

by PossumJenkins
11-15-03
So Kurt, what do you think of the music industry nowadays?
Umm, I don't really know.
In other news, Kurt Cobain announced that he feels the music industry sucks.
What the hell?
Say Kurt, What's your opinion on the RIAA?
Please kill me

 

by PossumJenkins
11-15-03
Satan buddy, looks like we won, eh?
Yep. I guess this is it. Humanity is now under our control
Well, I'd better be going. I have some followers to enslave.
I have a special visitor today. He's supposed to make good on a wager.
Well, looks like you won my friend.
You bet your ass, Jesus! Hahahahahahahaha!

 

by PossumJenkins
11-16-03
Get a life, fatass!
Right back at you, retard!
Ahhhhhhh!
Huh? What happened here?
Super Politically Correct Man at your service! He should have called you obese, which is the correct term. Cheerio!
What the hell?

 

by PossumJenkins
11-17-03
I just fucking hate math
Especially Basic Algebra
Not only is it the worst subject ever, it's also worthless.
I mean, what do we need Math for?
If you're not going to be a rocket scientist.
Why bother? I think I'll just flunk this course. I don't even wanna try.

 

by PossumJenkins
11-27-03
In Franklin County, we occasionally get a lot of Quebecers from across the border.
Welcome to Burger Inn! What would ya like today, feller?
e voudrais un Greaseburger, des pommes frites et une tasse de saindoux. Tenez les conserves au vinaigre
Unfortunately, not all of us are trained in speaking French.
Eh, a Quebecer? Hold on, lemme get our french speaking guy
Allez-vous me servir ou ce qui, vous Américain stupide de redneck ?
Unfortunately, due to anti-France sentiment, Spanish is taught as French.
Recepción al mesón de la hamburguesa! ¿Cómo puedo ayudarle, sir bueno?
Argh ! Êtes-vous les gens stupides ou ce qui ?

 

by PossumJenkins
11-27-03
Franklin County is chock full of strange accidents. Most involving people and animals.
Whoa Officer, did you see that accident? Boy, I've never seen a rhinocerous in these parts.
Uh-hum. Do you have any information about the driver?
Being that everyone knows everyone, you cannot possibly expect to escape rumors.
The driver is pretty well known around here. Let me go get her.
Make it fast. I left the answering machine on at the station.
The driver is apparently intoxicated. So is Officer Peabody.
Oh Officer, how may I be of assistance? *giggling*
Can I have your number? I mean, were you the driver of the zamboni?

 

by PossumJenkins
12-07-03
Hey, you'll listen to me, eh? Can you tell me why I'm so fucking addicted to this shit?
Well for one thing, you're fucking lame, man!
Oh yeah? Then why am I giving you money to listen to me ramble like a drunk?
Because you're fucking lame,man! All you do is drink your sorrows away!
Oh geez. Now I'm getting fucking sad and all.
Serves you right. Maybe there's more to the world than just alcohol!?!

 

by PossumJenkins
12-07-03
I'm just a lonely dude and I enjoy beer
Nothing wrong with enjoying beer. But you got problems, dude
Yeah right. If I had problems, I'd be DEAD by now
Would you like to see what that would be like?
Umm, I'm in hell? Well I am familiar with emotional hell but this?
Cut the small talk, man. You need to get things back in order. Trust me.

 

by PossumJenkins
12-07-03
Hmm. Damn, I can't feel a thing.
So that feels good?
Man, you have no idea what I've been through
Oh yeah? I've been watching your every movement.
Really? And what have you observed?
Just another pathetic loser. Your kind never ceases to amaze me.

 

by PossumJenkins
12-07-03
So what have you observed by watching me?
Well,there's Vicki
Don't get started on her.
Face it, she was the first girl you ever had the hots for for real. I can put you back in time with her if you like.
Vicki?
Yeah. I'm leaving you to stay with David. Too bad. You should have known better to trust something that wasn't real in the first place, loser!

 

by PossumJenkins
12-07-03
Well why did you sleep with me? I thought you actually cared? No?
Are you a fucking loser? I know that men like you are pathetic fools!
No, you're a bitch, Vicki! All you wanted was your cake and to eat it too!
And you never really loved me right? I don't believe a fucking word you've said
Fuck you! At least I really loved you at that point. It's too bad you lacked confidence and probably still do. If you weren't so hard on yourself0.
Things would have been better, right? WRONG! You had to come on to me! Now, you're just a pathetic drunk. Why is it my fault?

 

by PossumJenkins
1-04-04
We're at the door of the champion of the Unreal tournament, Melvin Bigfarts. I assume he's holed up on the computer as usual. Let's take a look
Umm, is Melvin in right now? I was told that he resided here
Welcome to the dungeon of Draco. What's the password?
Geez. This guy's such the stereotypical geek!
Damn! Looks like the forces are advancing! Must phase them out. 10-4

 

by PossumJenkins
1-04-04
Merry Christmas, Tyrone!
I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Kwanzaa
Merry Christmas, Herschel!
I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Hanuukah!
Merry Chr---ahhhhhhhhh!
You should have said, "Happy non-demoninational holidays" or something!

 

by PossumJenkins
1-04-04
So, I got a 22 on my math test. Damn.
That sucks. I've never been good at math either
Yep. Hmm. I feel quite down right now.
Me too
Wanna have sex?
Sure! Why not?

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