All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
1-18-10
me want fuck you
oh no, you can't fuck me, i'm too young for that.
says who?
Child Protective Services.
why they say that?
either that or my daddy's too old.

 

by bigworm
1-18-10
why does someone become a clown?
I'm just a poor clown looking for a little girl who wants to make me happy
over here! over here! I'm a little girl who wants to make a clown happy!
tick tock...tick tock...
Oh you sweet little thing! Bless your little heart, it's in the right place, but...
but what? i'm a little girl and i wanna' make you happy right now.
you get one guess!
You are indeed a little girl, (and quite hot for your age), but...would you happen to have a younger sister?
!!???

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
hey!!! are you the dude that died for me?
not yet...

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
hey! are you the dude that died for me?
before i can say yes...
i'm gonna' need some collateral.
a blowjob'll do...

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
whazzup jezzman?
whaza matter man, cat gotcher' tongue?
no, but the motherfucker's sleeping behind my head right now!

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
what the hell is goin' on dad!!???
first off... nobody knows i have a son... so don't be callin' me dad in public.
yeh?
and secondly...
tell your mom i'm gonna' be late for dinner.

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
hmm...
excuse me sir...!?
snug yer nails up for a quarter?

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
i've seen enough man.
i'm calling Child Protective Services about your dad.

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
i'm issuing you a citation
what for officer?
'Feigning a Serious Act'

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
dad?
DAD!!!
be back in a minute son, your mom's here right now!

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
am i fucked up or what? dad marries a whore, gets her pregnant without using his dick (oh SURE), has a son, (that be me). i'm a clone of my father, and there's a 2nd clone.
the 2nd dude is called the 'holy ghost'. so there's 3 of us, but we're 1. we're an exclusive trio, and we run the whole fuckin' world. this 'cross' episode seems to have been the glue.
'scam'...? maybe. 'motherfucking scam'...? no.

 

by bigworm
1-19-10
hey! are you the dude that died for me?
yeh, that's me.
and how are you today sir? for the next 10 minutes only, my company, 'Ultra Humane Exits', is offering a special to those who are recently 'supposed to be dead, but aren't'.
what?
that's correct, um hum, if you say yes within the next 10 seconds, you will receive our full service free of charge... afterwhich there will be no lingering doubt in anyone's mind about your death.
could you leave a card?

 

by bigworm
1-20-10
hey, didn't i see you on the cross a couple of days ago.
Yeh, that was me.
i thought you died on the cross
well...you could say i...
...was resurrected!!?
i was gonna' say "planned in advance", but 'resurrected' does have a certain theological ring to it.

 

by bigworm
1-20-10
yo... Fuzz! could you do me a quick favor?
certainly.
tell me if you can see my dick from down there.
no i can't...your loincloth is covering you quite appropriately.
goddamn it!

 

by bigworm
1-20-10
good evening ladies and gentlemen, i'd like to say...ahem...ahem. ok. ok....start over. good evening everyone, how ya'll doin' tonight? no, no...let's see...uh.
hey everybody, thanks for comin' out, hey!!! where'd these holes in my hands come from? don't be angry at the romans, they were just doin' their job...no, don't bring them into it..um, i got it... um
??!!!
are you alright man? i can hear you talkin'...i thought you was gonna' be dead before i got here. this is like a miracle! i thought you were dead,'til i heard you talkin'. what's up?
i just gotta' lotta' shit goin' on right now, check it out... first i gotta' die, then get lowered and buried. then 3 days later i gotta' 1-man 'comeback gig, and i gotta' have a speech ready...
oh man, that's rough!

 

and check THIS shit out man!!! on top of all that OTHER shit, 3 busloads of MOTHERFUCKIN' preschoolers came by today, and this MOTHerFUCKin' loincloth had my DICK all covered up!
oh FUCK!!! that shit ain't EVEN right!!!
by bigworm, 1-20-10

 

by bigworm
1-22-10
hey jesus! it's 3:00 pm, this is the 3rd day, and you're still alive!!
you're gonna' have to pick up the pace

 

by bigworm
1-22-10
imagine...
if every father in the world, so loved his son.
we wouldn't have any fuckin' trees left!!!

 

by bigworm
1-22-10
hey jesus! are you over there? is that you?
yeh, it's me peter...i'm right here.
people talk to you, they make jokes about you, it's like you're a star almost. why's that? how come they don't joke about me too?
well peter, let me ask you a question...after you've died (on the cross), are you gonna' come back to life, you know...are you gonna' be resurrected? can you do shit like that?
no, but...
well then, shut the fuck up... and get a life!

 

by bigworm
1-22-10
so like i was sayin'... hey! just a minute here! where's the other girl that was just here?
...other girl?
yeh, the other girl. hey! hold on here a minute, it happened again! now where'd that other girl go?
i don't know who you're talking about!
yeh you know who I'm talkin' about! aww, shit... you did it again!
really, i don't know...we all look the same to me!

 

by bigworm
1-23-10
i've called you in because last night at the company retreat, you were sleeping next to ms. hoocherota. she has filed a complaint, saying she awoke to find someone groping her in the dark.
well?
did you have a hand in it?

 

by bigworm
1-23-10
you were the one sleeping right next to ms. hoocherota. you have declined to answer my questions regarding her complaint of being groped in the middle of the night.
quite frankly...your behavior in this matter has given me reason to believe that you are indeed the perpetrator in this very serious matter. i dislike this part of my job...but,
...i'm going to have smell your hands.

 

by bigworm
1-23-10
did you say "i'm gonna' have to smell your hands?"
yes, i said "i'm gonna' have to smell your hands?" do you have a problem with that?
i guess not. you can go ahead and smell my right hand...
...and the left?
that'll cost you $20.00.
?!!!

 

by bigworm
1-23-10
i got her thong too... right here in my pocket.
oh my GOD!!! i'm going to need to take possession of that immediately... it's company property... now hand it over... c'mon, please?
i was just thinkin'...
i gotcha'.
how much??!!!

 

by bigworm
1-23-10
let's just cut to the chase...now, how much do you want for the thong, and smellin' your left hand?
you're talkin' the whole package, so let me see now... you'll smell my left hand, you'll take possession of the thong...and then there's the 'night vision video'...
'NIGHT VISION VIDEO'? THERE'S A VIDEO??!!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN' TO DO? KILL ME?! i think i'm gonna' pass out. don't go nowhere, ok?
alright... i'll sit right here 'till you get back.
GURKLE!!! SHPLOTTENPOOMP! ANICKA.CA...CA...CA...
damn!!! he didn't say nothin' about convulsions...

 

i'm done playing with your sister...
by bigworm, 1-24-10

 

by bigworm
1-24-10
READY?
WANNA' SEE IT AGAIN?

 

by bigworm
1-25-10
excuse me jesus...
...but could you explain to me why your father would do this to you?
sure...
because he loves me so much?

 

by bigworm
1-26-10
so, you're red huh?
yeh...
me too.

 

by bigworm
1-26-10
i've got a boner.
you what?!!!
you heard right, i said i've got a boner...and it's big!!!
i've known you for all of 2 minutes, and i've got to say...you are the biggest ...
STOP!!! DON'T SAY IT!! I'VE HEARD IT BEFORE!!!
...phoney i know.

 

by bigworm
1-26-10
i don't know your dad, and i have no knee to get down on, but... will you marry me?
no.
WHAT!!! NO!!??? but...but...
but what!?
well... for one, you haven't seen my BIG-ASS BONER yet.
that makes two of us.

 

by bigworm
1-28-10
c'mon man, why would i want you to 'snug up' my nails?
'cus you're tired of 'hanging loose'?

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
oh dear lord, can you really save a wretch like me?
yes, i'm confident that i can.
what the fuck are you anyway...STUPID??
go get a ladder!

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
tell me... was i ever, am i now, and will i ever be saved?
let's see now, that's 3 questions at 1 blowjob per question... that brings your total to 3 blowjobs.
but... i was terribly abused by my father as a child...in that very way.
alright...look, i'll make an exception on account of your horrible childhood.
thankyou, thankyou...thankyou, OH SWEET JESUS!!!
i'll answer your 3 questions for the paltry sum of just 2... i say just 2 b.j.'s, and i'm sorry, but i can't go any lower than that.

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
*hic*, uh... i heard i could get uhh, ...saved for some blowjobs, or uhhh, you know...
no. you heard wrong.
i ain't tryin' to uhhh, be uhhh...pushy or *erk*, nothin' like that, but i was talkin' to that uhhh...
do me a favor, ok? just shut the fuck up!
but...
but what? i'm on my lunch break for cryin' out loud.

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
oh jesus, i need to be healed, and i'm too small to carry a ladder, and i'm too young to suck your dick. people told me that i would have to do that to be healed.
come unto me my dear child, blessed are those too small to suck a risen man's 'thing'. whosoever told you those vile lies, they shall be required to perform them in the nude, upon my person.
come my child... approach the cross for your healing. fear not that evil will be done, for i am here to guide you in your disgust and discomfort. come to the cross and stand beneath me...
now fix your vision towards the sky, and with your mouth wide open... stay just like that...

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
hey jesus, the cops are here to see you, something about you fucking up a temple, or something like that. what do you want me to tell them?
tell 'em i'm at lunch, tell 'em i'm on the fucking phone for christ's sake!! figure it out!!!
c'mon man, they could see you from the base of the hill!!! they know you're here!!! they know you're not eating these days!!!
i know, i know. this whole thing has got me a bit wound up. tell 'em i'm.. uh. alright, i got it... tell 'em i can't talk right now...
...'cus i'm dead.

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
hey dad, who's 'beako180'?
i couldn't tell you son, i don't believe i've ever heard that name.
later...that same day.
hey!!! my dad says he's never even heard of you.
no duh...
what??
it's 'B-e-e-k-o180', not 'b-e-a-k-o180'! asswipe!!

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
come closer to the cross my friend, ooowww... ooohs, please forgive my groanings, but the pain is ow...ow...oooo, very great. come, i have something for you.
ok... sure, uh, what is it you uh... have for me?
i have little of 'material' value, aaiieee... oooph... ahhh, but, but... this tattered and stained (front and back...ouch) loincloth. please, take it from my tired body...eeek...aarrgh.
i certainly appreciate the opportunity to acquire your tattered and stained (front and back) loincloth, but i can't reach up that high.
good point...aaiiee. in that case, talk to the aahh, the guard in charge before you leave... ooww. find out when they're taking me down. make sure he understands... that this 'rag oooz... for you'.
wow! an alliterative giant!

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
within 20 minutes of walking out onto the sand, i was having hallucinations. i saw these incredible belly dancers, and they were like uh... beckoning me and shit like that.
no shit!?
no shit!! within 1 hour i was severely dehydrated and having seizures. as far as i was concerned, i was fucking the shit out of those belly dancers! it was an intensely threatening state of mind.
that sounds bad!
oh yeh, it was badass! as soon as i got outa' the hospital, i went and made a downpayment on a badass house! i'm gonna' live there for real!!
you think you could hook me up with one of your hallucinations?

 

by bigworm
1-31-10
hey martha, i'm home, and i've got something important to tell you. i was just being selfish... i'm real sorry.
you can have your arm back...

 

by bigworm
2-02-10
so i told him about the bellydancers, and how as far as i was concerned, i had been fucking the shit out of them...
you told them they were hallucinations...right?
yeh, he knows that, but thinks i can "hook him up" with one of them!
what a dumb-fuck!!! this reminds me of that whole episode down in tijuana when i got all drunk and was doin' that skinny chick in the church... and... hold on a minute.
'sup dude? i'm gonna' fuck me some blubber-ass belly-dancer... spanky's hookin' me up! i'm gonna' jamm'er with my 'foot-long', then slap 'er with my 'chi-gongs', yeh baby...
so youv'e already registered on 'Ether Dick' and checked for 'hallucinatory compatibility'?

 

by bigworm
2-06-10
so what exactly's going on here?
i'm being crucified for christ's sake...
you know... technically that's incorrect.

 

by bigworm
2-06-10
god?... are you there?
i'm here! i'm right here! what can i do for you?
this is worse than crucifixtion any day!
no shit!!!
thanks... i would prefer that.
no shit!!!

 

by bigworm
2-06-10
oh god!!! is this as bad as i think it is?
no.
phewww...
it's worse!
i'm sorry, but only your first answer can be accepted!
whatever...

 

by bigworm
2-07-10
i'm a virgin.
really?
really, i've never had sexual intercourse with a man, no sexual relations at all.
that doesn't make you a virgin.
and just what would an adorable little 6 year old (such as yourself), say that makes me?
a 'lying cocksucker'!

 

existential gerbil .......... beatnik gerbil
it's dark ............... therefore it smells.
HEY DUDE!!! can we get some bongos in here?!!!
by bigworm, 2-07-10

 

by bigworm
2-11-10
i always want to make sure that my partner in a relationship knows how much i care about them, and the considerable effort i go to so they feel comfortable...
i expect you to go to the same trouble on my behalf, such that i feel comfortable in the relationship too. if my words cut too deelpy, i apologize in advance.
if i cut you deeply in a non-verbal way... please hold your complaints until my gratification is complete. with that said, i really love you a lot!

 

by bigworm
2-12-10
let's tell foreigners what we think!
we think you are horrible people to come and have us for sex...
yes, and you lay with us all night long, and tell us we are unbelievable, and...
...and sometimes even LOVE us. then you go home, and it hurts us most... 'cus...
yeh, 'cus then *sob*... then...
...you don't ever call.

 

by bigworm
2-12-10
DADDY!!!
what is it now?
trevor called me a 'leg'!
so??
...i can't even walk!

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