All comics by lulz

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by lulz
8-02-09
...M-C-A!
I hate you.

 

He was well hung...like that!
Very funny.
by lulz, 8-02-09

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Gandalf, what are you doing?!
You shall not pass!
Noooooo...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Bella decides Phoenix is a silly place.
Like, my hair gets so frizzy in this desert sun, like omg!
I've got to get out of here.
Bella moves to the rainy town of Forks.
OMG, Bella, my hair gets so frizzy in this rain, like totally!
I've got to get out of here.
Bella considers the wisdom of her relocation.
You smell good.
Oh for Pete's sake...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
I live in this podunk town because it's sunless. Wanna see what happens when the sun shines on me?
N-no, that's okay. Really.
*sparklesparkle* *glitter* *tinkling of tiny bells*
No one must ever know my terrible secret...
...What, that your sexual preferences are seriously in question?

 

by lulz
8-03-09
One random day, Edward warms up to Bella.
I love you!
O-okay...
A little bit later in the story, he changes his mind.
Meh, nevermind.
Righto.
And then still later, the wishy washy vampire decides he likes her after all.
Marry me.
I'm not legal yet...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Larry is shunned for missing the memo about Red Tie Day at the office.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Larry, what the hell happened to you?!
I asked for a raise.
Did you get it?
...

 

Marley comes back from the skillet to deliver a dire warning to his old friend.
Would I be a cannibal if I just nibbled a little?... I suppose so.
Scrooooge, you will be visited by three spirits. Heed them, do not suffer my fate.
by lulz, 8-03-09

 

by lulz
8-03-09
After the kid was born, I saved Bella's life by infecting her with my venom. Her vampiric transformation is nearly complete.
She stirs. ARISE, MY LOVE, AND SPEND ETERNITY WITH ME!
Uuunnghh...
Days later, the entire Cullen fortune was spent on a shopping spree at Hot Topic.
Oh--oh no, what have I done...
I'm so goth that my dead black cat smokes cloves.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Jacob the werewolf confronts Edward the vampire.
Uh oh, better think fast...
Grrr...
Here boy, here boy, go fetch! *fling*
Ooh! Oooh!
Jacob hates his instinctual nature.
Hehe.
I hate it when you do that.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Now I...
...
Open mic night has its ups and downs.
Now I know my...uh... A...E... Xs? Is that right? Someone help me out here...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Yah shore ye betcha...
MY god carries a hammer. Your god was nailed to a tree. Any questions?
Mommmmyyyy! *wails*
Actually, it's called a crucifix...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
What kind of name is Renesmee, anyway? If it'd been a boy, would it be "Charcar" or "Islelie"?
A tasteful mesh of our mothers' first names.
Would Alice and Jasper name their spawn Alsper? Would the child of Rosalie and Emmett be Emmettalie?
I--I guess...
God forbid you all have an orgy and the resulting kidlet be forever sentenced to the moniker Chaesmedwbeljasaliemmros.
Okay! Okay! It was a bad idea!

 

by lulz
8-03-09
My hometown used to be the mecca of hippies and underachievers of the world.
Got any weed, man?
When I grow up I'm going to buy a truck and find a nice skank to procreate with.
Now, the town is overwhelmed by fans of a fictional tween book and movie series.
I want Edward to break MY back when I give birth to our love child, how romant--OMG, PULL OVER, a twig no doubt left by a vampire!
There's not even a McDonald's here. What the hell do people do for fun? Let's ask the locals Twilight trivia only we would know.
Die, Stephenie Meyers, die die die.
And now, the traffic report with Kevin.
And in other news, 6 nuclear warheads were mistakenly trained on Phoenix, AZ today. The area was obliterated.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Hello, I'm Harvey.
The new floor-to-ceiling mirrors in the men's bathroom confused Harvey, who greeted his reflection every time he visited the facilities.
Hello, I see we are wearing the same clothes.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Greg pantomimed how he wanted Larry to suck up to the boss.
Larry, however, was a terrible player of Charades and thought Greg was asking for something else.
*unzip*

 

by lulz
8-03-09
So, I haven't seen you around the office before. A janitor? One of the new junior techs? Did they hire you because of affirmative action?
I'm the CEO.
Later, Harold decides to freshen up his resume.
Niiice tie! That tweed jacket looks perfect on you, sir.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
"Park the ship where there's a good view," I said.
Yes, dear.
"Make sure to get there early so we can see the event," I said.
Yes, dear.
YOU PARKED US IN A SYSTEM WHERE THEY HAVEN'T EVEN TRAVELED PAST THEIR OWN MOON!
The kids couldn't make it to Andromeda before having to make a potty stop.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
How long before the fireworks, dad? Can I go sightseeing before it begins?
All right... But take your sister with you, she's never been to this system and she'll learn things with you.
Aw, dad! She embarrasses me! I hate her!
Glorp, you take her or you're BOTH staying on this ship.
I swear, I didn't know my boobs could do that back on Capula Prime!
Don't do anything to make me look bad or I'll beat you up.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
WUD U LIKE 2 G0 OWT WIF ME?

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Did you see the new guy they hired?
Not yet...
He's a bit off, but I can't put my finger on ho--oops, there he is.
Oh?
In this economy, even the retired elderly are finding it difficult to stay retired.
Huh.
S'up, guys? What's the 411 around the water cooler?

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Okay, I got one. How much does Jesus love you?
I know but I'm curious about your answer... how much?
Bah-dumm-tshhh!
THIIIIIIIS much. *holds arms out thusly*
If I wasn't nailed to this thing, I'd whack you with it. Lovingly, of course.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Father Terrance and Sister Mary take on new identities and relocate somewhere inconspicuous to hide their affair.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
I cleaned the Father's room and found porno mags! I threw them away.
Oh, well, I found condoms in his laundry!
What did you do?
I poked holes in them all, of course.
SHIT...

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
*thwack!*
X_X
Cut that out, mom!!

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Doctor, I think my wife is dead!
And why do you say that, Mr. Jones?
Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Where will you vacation this year, God?
I dunno, Mercury's too hot, Jupiter makes me too heavy. I'll go anywhere but Earth, I guess.
why not Earth?
The lot of them are terrible gossips!
Why do you say that?
2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman and they're still talking about it!

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Welcome to Bella Italia. What would you like?
A plate of mushroom ravioli. AND TO SIT AT THE SAME TABLE THAT BELLA AND EDWARD WERE AT!
Rejecting reality and substituting their own since 2006.
You do realize they're fictional, right?
Not listening, LALALALA.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Some back alley in Port Angeles...
You must be so happy to live in the same area as vampires and werewolves, you are so LUCKY!
I piss on myself and haven't bathed in a year and they call ME weird and unstable...

 

Bar nun.
by lulz, 8-03-09

 

by lulz
8-03-09
"My penis shrinks in cold water. That reminds me, there's this ocean mollusk with the largest penis in relation to its size in the world. Do you know how cold the ocean is? Blah blah blah..."
This comedian isn't very good.
I can fix that.
"Blah blah blah so then the lady sprayed me with mace yadda yadda blah blah..."
Geoduck.
"--I hear laughing over there, they must like my jokes, woo! So anyway, blah blah blah yadda doink doink..."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

by lulz
8-03-09
Mmm, that new secretary and I had sex last week, it was awesome! She's a lot better in bed than my wife.
Ahh yes. She and I dated recently as well, and we were intimate.
But I disagree, I think your wife is much better in bed than that secretary.

 

by lulz
8-03-09
This company engineers impactful e-markets in enabling proactive niches, and I would be proud to work for you and promote synergy.
I LIKE PIE.
"Thank you, gentlemen. Mr. Stein, thank you for taking the time to come here. But we feel that Mr. Jeckyl here more accurately reflects the intent we have to maximize cross-platform systems."
I LICK WINDOWS.

 

by lulz
8-04-09
I saw you go in there! Are you alone?
Why no, not at all! My friend here has a tommy gun!
Harry Potter, you are our only hope! Now gimme a hug.
Ever notice how many movies feature very close relationships between very old men and young boys?
Frodo, the fate of the world rests upon your lithe, supple shoulders.
Uhhh...

 

by lulz
8-04-09
we caress her soul as it sees your body she speaks to his brain if it eats our evil lovelace i smoke the red lovelace i make love to his head's bones
until the lovelace of your lovelorn swallows your shout when it washes your lovelorn
*smattering of applause and snapping fingers*

 

Dr. Spazzoid wandered off as the visitor read the scientist's suicide note.
"I B QUEEF AL MI POSSES--POZES--STUFF 2 SIENSE."
I LIKE PIE.
by lulz, 8-04-09

 

by lulz
8-04-09
That is a bunch of bull.
No shit.

 

by lulz
8-04-09
DOCTOR! My head hurts! I have such a headache!
Then stop doing what you're doing.
Oh. Thank you, I feel much better.
*cries a little inside*

 

by lulz
8-04-09
Look, I drew blood!
How in the hell did you graduate medical school?

 

by lulz
8-04-09
This town ain't big enough for the two of us.
Them's fightin' words! On the count of three, draw your weapon!
AUGH! You're cheating! Stop that!
Hehe.

 

by lulz
8-04-09
BOO!
AUGH!
I really should rethink these things before I do them.

 

by lulz
8-04-09
The karaoke DJ is so flaming.
That's not very nice.
No, really. He's a total fag.
You descriminate! I can't handle having a friend like that. I'm leaving.
But--but he is!...
It's raining men, hallelujah it's raining men, AMEN!

 

With friends like that, who needs enemas?
by lulz, 8-04-09

 

Half-assed comic.
by lulz, 8-04-09

 

LOLSalmons.com
I SPAWNZ U!
by lulz, 8-04-09

 

by lulz
8-04-09
Ahhh...
CHOOOOO!

 

by lulz
8-05-09
Oh look, it's one of those local Indians like we saw in the movie. How quaint! Quick, ask him something!
Okay, so, like, do you have any spooky stories about "the cold ones" that no other Twilight fan knows about?
*twitch*

 

by lulz
8-05-09
Hello, oh stereotypical resident of this fine town. Tell me, what is your opinion about Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, and the fans that now flock to your little hamlet?
Well ma'am, I live next door to the "Swan" residence and there's always trespassers who're takin' leaves and rocks from the whole neighborhood.
And our one main road out of town is clogged to high heaven with the bastards. If it were up to me we'd shoot 'em, burn the books, and hang the author.

 

by lulz
8-05-09
Charlie, you have to come to Candy Mountain, Charlie!
It's the land of sweets, and goodness, and joyous sweets!
Augh! Fine, I'll go if you leave me alone after.
Shun... Shuuunnnnnnnnnnnn-nuh.
In an effort to boost morale, the management instructs the company to recreate "Charlie the Unicorn."
...Ungh, what happened--AW CHRIST, I lost a kidney!
Chaaaarrrllliiiieee...

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