All comics by leildavid

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by leildavid
11-12-04
Our Hero expounds upon the pain of his childhood.
My mother is a counselor, so as a kid, she always made us talk, and communicate, and express our feelings, which is all well and good within the confines of the home
until you try and export that into a normal social environment, and learn that nobody else talks to each other that way. I remeber playing baseball during recess
I'd be like, "you know, Jared, when you call me a ***got, it doesn't make me a better ball player. It doesn't make me run faster, or hit better, in fact I'd say it makes me play worse
and we can talk, if you want, we can talk about why you feel you need to use that particular word,
I know we're all getting close to puberty, and maybe you're having some confusing feelings about your own sexuality, and we can talk about that if you want.
so I got beat up a lot.

 

by leildavid
12-31-04
So here's something else I don't understand: how did the Trojans fall for that horse thing? I mean, imagine you're the Torjans, the Athenians have been laying seige to your city for months on end.
All of a sudden, they just give up and go home. "Well, we give up! We're outta here! You guys are way too tough for us." Then they run off into the woods, and you hear all this cutting and hammering.
Maybe one of the Trojan guards starts to get wise, like, "Hey, what are you guys doing out there?" "Nothing! We're just building a boat, to go home in. The legs? No, it's a new design. Don't look!"
Then after like a week the athenians are just gone, and there's this giant horse, big enough to hold the entire Athenian army outside the gates. The night watchman opens the door, he's like,
"What the hell? Hey Bill! There's a big damn horse out here! Oh, wait, there's a note. 'Dear Trojans, sorry for trying to sack your city. You guys rock, let's do lunch, xoxo, The Athenians'"
"Man, those guys are so nice! Let's bring it inside and leave it unguarded while we all go to sleep."

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
I was a trekkie as a kid, which is tough, because it's not a cool thing to be, and it's not something you can hide. Like, no matter what you do, the other kids are going to find out eventually.
I'd be out on the playground, the other kids are like, "let's play cops and robbers!" "No, let's play Red Rover!" I'd be like, "No, Let's play 'Engounter at Farpoint Station!'
You guys be the crew of the enterprise, and I'll be Captain Picard......... Engage.

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
The president really scares me when he refers to our enemies as the "Axis of evil" because it's like he's acting out some repressed desire to be a superhero.
It's no longer the Oval Office, it's now "The hall of justice." The Presidential Cabinet is the "Superfriends computer."
Him and Cheney and Rumsfeld all have their own superhero names and costumes, but Bush's costume is always in the wash because he keeps spilling pudding on it.

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
I don't have any tattoos, because tattos are cool, and I am not cool, and if I got a tattoo, it would be false advertisement.
Unless I got a tattoo that ttold you how uncool I am, like a pocket protector on my chest, or maybe just a giant portrait of George Takei that takes up my whole back.
Or, like how Tupac had 'thug life' on his stomach in gothic letters, I could get one like that, but mine would say, 'resistance is futile.'

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
I had to force myself into the proverbial 'trekkie closet' sometime around college because I was trying to, like date girls
During college I would go into the dorm lounge and turn on star trek, and then sit on the other side of the room like I wasn't watching it.
Somebody’d come in and ask if they could change it, I’d be like, "Please, change it, it's so lame! Todd turned it on....I'm trying to read Charles Dickens over here."

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
I sawe this dude with a sign that said "Please help me, I've lost all hope."
And I felt really bad, I was just about to give him some money
Then I was like, 'wait a second, if he'd really lost all hope, he wouldn't have bothered to make a sign.'

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
So I knew my wife was 'the one' when the first big family event she ever invited me to was a wedding. Did I say wedding? It was a Star Trek Wedding.
She said to me, “Will you go to my sister’s wedding with me? She’s getting married in Vegas, on the bridge of the enterprise in the Star Trek experience.”
And I said to her, in the calmest voice I could manage, “Original series or Next Generation Enterprise?” ... "Because I need to know which phaser to pack."

 

by leildavid
1-18-05
We dined at Quark’s Bar and Grill, where they serve Klingon Blood Wine and Romulan ale. Our waitress wasn’t that into the whole theme though, which kind of wrecked it.
Like, I ordered a burger, and normally at a restaurant, your order, and they say, ‘how do you want that cooked?’
but at Quark’s Bar and Grill in the Star Trek Experience, they ask, ‘how do you want that replicated.’ Which is one of the most awesome things I have ever been asked in actual reality.
But what she said didn’t click in my head right away, and I said, ‘what?’ and she’s totally not into it,
and she says, ‘you know, ‘replicated’ because it’s coming from the ‘replicator’
and I’m like, ‘they thought of everything!’

 

by leildavid
3-27-05
You know you've got a shitty job when you're walking home from work so you can go to bed and wake up in 6 hours to go back to work. And on your way you pass through a group of teenagers.
And the first thing that goes through your mind is, 'you know, if one of these hoodlums shoots me right now, I won't have to go to work tomorrow.'
I bet I could get at least a week off just for a flesh wound.

 

by leildavid
5-15-05
I just got out of the hospital.
I have a 5mm stone in my right kidney.
5mm sounds small, but this thing has to come out my pee hole.

 

by leildavid
5-15-05
When the pain first came on from the stone I thought I was constipated or something.
And oral laxatives take like 6-12 hours to work, and I was in a lot of pain, so I tried the suppository, which immediately made me vomit.
I don't know if you've ever tried holding a small object inside your butt while vomiting, but it's not easy.

 

by leildavid
6-09-05
I have ADD. It became clear to me the other day when I was washing the dishes. I got about half way done with the dishes and reached for the dish towel, but it wasn't there.
I realized it was in the clean laundry basket, so I went into the bedroom, and I found the dish towel, but I also thought since I was thre I'd better just put the laundry away.
So i put away my socks and underwear, then I find some of my wife's thongs, and I figure I better try one on, because she's not home, and I've always been curious.
So I put it on, and it's not too uncomfortable in the back, but my balls are hanging out in the front like this giant moose nuckle, but I figure I better check it out in the mirror anyway.
So I go into the bathroom and check it out in the mirror and it looks really bad, so I take it off, then I'm just standing there in nothing but a tshirt, so I do the floppy-dick dance.
I swing it up and down, side to side, up and down again, then it starts to hurt, so I stop, then I start going througgh the medicine cabinet, and how many kinds of aspirin do we need?

 

by leildavid
7-15-05
And I found this tube of some hippie shit that my mom must have left behind, and I can't even tell what it is, because everything at the hippie grocery sore has the same ingredients.
See, hippies find out that something is good for you, and they decide to put it in everything. They're like, "well, Aloe is good for your skin, let's put it in the toothpaste!"
My parents have been shopping at the same hippie grocery store since I was born, so like it wasn't bad enough that we were broke and I was already dorky and chubby, now I'm the hippie kid.
When it came time for lunch, the other kids are pulling normal stuff out of their paper bags, they're pulling ham sandwiches, coke, oreos, lays potato chips, all the stuff I wanted to be eating.
But that's not what I got, no I got Adams all natural peanut butter and home-made jelly sandwiches, on 13-grain bread, and I'm not exaggerating, 13 grains, that's what they used to give me!
I'd go to other kids houses and look in the freezer, and they had ice cream and popsicles, my parents have bee pollen in their freezer! I don't know what it does, but they've had it since 1982.

 

by leildavid
8-09-05
There was one good thing about my parents always shopping at the hippie grocery store, they used to make me take this stuff called E'mergen-C when I was starting to feel sick, and it always worked.
And I was starting to feel a little scratch in my throat, so I decided to go buy some E'mergen-C, so I get on the internet looking for someplace that sells it, and it turns out the vitamin store does.
Which is sweet because there's a vitamin store not far from my house, so I go get dressed, and I pull a pair of pants from the bottom of my dresser that I haven't worn in a long time, and I'm like,
"Have I gained weight? Shit, I need to work out more, I should run to the vitamin store, that's what I should do." So I get on my sweat pants and I jog to the vitamin store.
I buy some protein and some work-out suppliments, and I jog home and then I turn around and go back to the vitamin store because I forgot the E'mergen-C, I finally get that and go back home.
I take all the stuff into the kitchen and I'm like, 'man, I gotta do these dishes.'

 

by leildavid
8-11-05
My dad was a comedian when I was a kid, and comedians never really retire, they just stop working. So he's always looking for the place to put a punchline.
Like at the grocery store, when the checkout girl rings through all his stuff, she asks "is that everything?" and my dad says "Well it's not everything, but it's all I need right now! HA HA HA HA HA!
And the cashier asks like it's funny, and I go home and start drinking.

 

by leildavid
8-14-05
My dad'y always trying to write jokes for me, so I'll get these voicemails from him.
Leil! I thought of something funny, call me back. It's your dad.
Because he has to identify himself. Like if I got a message that just said 'Leil, I thought of something funny call me back' I'd be like, "God?? Is God trying to write jokes for me.
Every once in a while he'll give me a little sneak preview of the joke in the message.
Leil, it's your dad, call me back, and when you call remind me of the thing I thought of about the home depot.
Oh, this is going to be gold.

 

by leildavid
8-16-05
So, I call my dad back to hear the gold nugget that he's thought of about the home depot.
Oh yeah, man, you seen how many HANDICAPPED parking spaces they got at the Home Depot now? I mean, how many HANDICAPPED people they got shopping for lumber, huh? What do they need to build, RAMPS??
Oh jesus.
RAMPS, son! Are you writing this down?
Yeah, dad, I got the ramps thing. It's just that it's exceptionally offensive.
HANDICAPPED is a funny word!
Yeah, Dad, I think the only way I could get away with that joke on stage is if I did it in your voice, then made fun of you for saying it.

 

by leildavid
8-16-05
So I'm headed out the door to go to the home depot, and your mother asks me where I'm going, so I said "The Home Depot" and she said "What's at the Home Depot?" And I said, "Building Supplies"
And she says, "Well I know what's at the Home Depot, but why are you going there?" and I said, "None of your fucking business."
You can use that, I don't mind. I just think of these things and they're funny and I'm not doing anything with them. You know, you can use it or not use it, I don't care.
Dad, I don't know if I can really use that in my act...because it doesn't have a punchline really. Unless I make the punchline be, you know, something like.."My dad's a dick."

 

by leildavid
10-07-05
So, my mother's birthday is coming up, and I don't know what she wants, I never do.
Mom, what would you like for your birthday?
Oh, just something from your heart sweetie, I know I'll love whatever you get me.
Which is her way of saying......
Honey, I know you're broke.

 

by leildavid
10-07-05
I lied to my mother about being a smoker for like 8 years. Then when she found out, she offered me money to quit.
I was like, 'mom, I've already betrayed my mother's trust for 8 years by lying to you about smoking.'
What makes you think I won't do it again for fifty bucks?

 

by leildavid
11-03-05
My wife has a lot of gay male friends, which means that I have to constantly listen to other men saying things to my wife that I'm not allowed to say.
Like, seriously, if I had the poor judgement to call my wife a fat bitch, I'd be sleeping outside on the fire escape.
Meanwhile if big gay Andrew calls her that, she just blends him up another mango margarita.

 

by leildavid
11-03-05
Having health insurance can make any job seem better, no matter how bad it is.
Hey man, what do you do for a living?
I make $.17 a day carrying AIDS-infected hypodermic needles up a rickety ladder in a plastic sack.
Wow, that sounds like a really bad job.
Oh, no, it's great, I've got dental.
Oh, really? Are they hiring?
I could probably get you an interview.

 

by leildavid
11-08-05
My dad is really supportive of me as a comedian, but really the only reason is because he wants to be able to take credit if I get famous.
He's always done stuff like this, like when I won a photography award in high school.
Hey dad, I won an award! Look I got first place! See? See the picture I took? See?
Hey, look at that.....
All I wanted was for him to be proud of me, but of course he found a way to make it about him.
Do you like it?
Yeah, that's a pretty good camera I bought you, eh?

 

by leildavid
11-16-05
I got married pretty young, and I'm always meeting guys who are older than me and not married who think I'm the moron for getting married.
Meanwhile these assholes are dating a different crazy bitch every three months.
My wife and I may have our problems, but at least when we do have a fight I see it coming and I know what it's going to be about.

 

by leildavid
11-16-05
Man, 50 cent is really just taking that "Get Rich or Die Trying" theme and driving it right into the ground.
GET RICH OR DIE TRYING! GET RICH OR DIE TRYING! LOOK AT ME! I GOT SHOT 9 TIMES! GET RICH OR DIE TRYING! SHOT 9 TIMES!
I mean, it's not fucking normal to come up with the soundtrack to a movie 2 years before you make the movie.
And 50 Cent will put his name on ANYTHING I mean, it was one thing when he came out with shoes and clothes, plenty of other musicians have done that.
But 50 cent has his own vitamin water for fuck's sake! I can't wait to see the commercials.
He'll be sitting in his bathrobe, reading the paper, like "When I've had a hard night of slapping Ho's and getting shot 9 times, I need to replenish my body's essential vitamins and minerals.

 

by leildavid
12-02-05
I converted to Judaism. Primarily because Jews don't have a hell, which is perfect for me.
Because I plan on killing a lot of people.
I actually hit kind of a road block on the road to conversion though, because of the whole circumcision thing.
Not that I was afraid to have the surgery, it was a matter of principle, because I looked it up, and the whole reason for circumcision in Judaism is it's supposed to be a trade off.
In excahnge for circumcision we're supposed to get Israel. What the hell kind of a trade is that? Have you seen Israel lately?
I mean I'm no real estate mogul, but I really don't feel like that particualr territory is worth a piece of my dick.

 

by leildavid
12-13-05
One of my driving motivations in life is to be oficially not racist. It's important that you note the phrasing there too.
Like, back in the 50's, all you had to do to be not racist was not hang black people for fun, but everything is so politically correct I just always feel like I'm on the verge of offending somebody.
Like I'll be on the train, just minding my own business, and there's a black guy on the train, and I look at him for just a second too long.
And suddenly I'm convinced that he thinks I'm thinking that word that I shouldn't be thinking, and as soon as I start thinking he's thinking it, I start thinking about it.
And that's even worse because I know he's looking at me and he can see that word bouncing around in my head.
So now I feel like apologizing, I want to tell this guy "No, I'm not thinking that, I'm just thinking how bad it would be if I were thinking that, which I'm not. I love black people."

 

by leildavid
1-09-06
My wife's always asking me if she looks fat. This really bothers me as a comic, because the whole 'women always think they're fat' premise is so hackey.
And yet she asks me about it so often I just have to talk about it.
I mean, I know yes is wrong. That's easy enough. Any man who doesn't know that yes is wrong deserves what he's got coming to him.
And you can try 'no' but when I do that she usually says 'you're just saying that to shut me up.' Which I am, so I don't really have a response to that.
So I tried something different, I said "well, baby, I don't think you look fat, but if you do want to lose weight, you could go to the gym."
Everybody I've ever told that story to seems to know that that was a wrong thing to say.

 

by leildavid
1-18-06
I give my dad a lot of crap, but one thing I'll say for him is that he never hit me.
And sometimes I really wish he had.
Because everybody knows that chicks dig scars, but what not everybody knows is that chicks only dig physical scars.

 

by leildavid
1-25-06
My wife taught me this new game, it's called "Honey, did you notice anything new when you came home?
The way it works is, I come home, my wife says "Honey, did you notice anything new when you got home?"
Then I have no idea what she's talking about, and then she wins.
I called my dad and told him about this game, and apparently my wife didn't actually invent it, my mother is also pretty good at this game.
My parents have been married 27 years, my dad's record is 787 and 1 with this game.
And the 1 he won was the day they were remodeling and a wall had been removed.

 

by leildavid
2-28-06
There have been a lot of children dying at the hands of their parents in NY lately it seems, and a lot of people are talking about making harsher punishments for murder when a parent does it.
First of all, like that's going to deter them. Like there's a parent out there going "Gee, I'd like to kill my child, but I don't think I could handle 25 to life."
And it brings up one general problem that I have with the justice system, which is the punishment fitting the crime.
So far I haven't heard one person suggest what was, for me, the first punishment that came to mind: mandatory sterilization.
Like, that should be the first thing, before they get to sentencing.
There should be a room off the side of the courtroom, as soon as the guilty verdict is read, the doctor goes to work.

 

by leildavid
2-28-06
We need a lot more punishment fitting the crime in this country, and we don't have it because our justice system has no creativity.
Like the day that I finally snap and shove some guy's nextel up his ass because I can't stand the chirping anymore, that's assault, I won't argue with that.
But it'll also be humiliating for him, because you know it'll be all over the papers, and most importantly it'll be fucking funny.
So my punishment should be something that will be equally painful, humiliating, and hilarious.
Whatever it is it'll have to be televised first of all. And the sentence would be that I have to slip on a bananna peel and fall down a flight of stairs.
Or I walk out of my apartment one day, and a bucket of shit just hits me on the head.

 

by leildavid
2-28-06
I was also thinking about what we'd do to terrorists under my new system, because you can't kill terrorists as a punishment because they beleive they get 72 virgins when they die.
And we can't run the risk of them being right. So here's what we do: first, put them in solitary confinement for like a year, no human contact of any kind.
Then, you let them out of solitary but you still keep them isolated, you put them on an island our out in the woods somewhere, and you give them like 20 puppies and some dog training books.
And all he does all day is eat and sleep and train his dogs, the dogs are his whole life for like 3 years.
And then you go in and take all the dogs away in the middle of the night while he's sleeping.
And the next morning when he's headed out to feed them their breakfast, a bucket of shit hits him on the head.

 

by leildavid
2-28-06
WARNING, THIS JOKE CONTAINS MATERIAL THAT ONLY TREKKIES WILL GET. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO PLAYED THE GRAND NAGUS YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE.
A little part of me died when I realized that there would be no more Star Trek
And that day was the day I saw the first episode of Enterprise. I wanted so much to like it. Quantum leap had made me love Scott Bakula, and Jolene Blalock was hot. I was ready to beleive.
I knew Enterprise was going to be bad the first time I heard the theme song. I was so bad I had to laugh. I laughed so hard I dropped my Romulan Ale. There's still a blue stain on the carpet.

 

by leildavid
3-09-06
My parents are hippies. I know they are hippies because I have seen them naked. A lot.
I'm not just talking accidentally saw mom getting out of the shower either. I'm talking camping trips in Idaho, we set up the tent by the lake and "Come on kids, it's skinnydipping time! Be free!"
I've seen my parents naked so many times it's like the wallpaper to my brain.
And as if that wasn't enough, my father is also an artist, and he painted a nude portrait of my mother.
The painting is 4 feet by 6 feet, and my mom's only 5'4".
And the painting is creepy too, because when you're in the room with it, the nipple follows like Jesus' eyes.

 

by leildavid
3-15-06
My wife was on the Atkins diet for a while, and I don't trust that diet.
Because if there's one thing I remember from health class, it's "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But if you're on Atkins it's "An apple? Oh, no, do you know how many carbs are in an apple?"
"I'll just have some bacon, thank you. I'm watching my figure."
The other problem is, my wife's got a sweet tooth, so she eats a lot of sugarfree candy, and that sugarfree candy, it'll give you the toots somethin' awful.
I come into bed after my wife's been in there sleeping a while, I pull back the covers, and my face melts off.

 

by leildavid
3-23-06
I watch the news a lot, and whenever something funny happens, like when Cheney shot that guy, I immediately start writing jokes about it.
But then I start thinking about it and I know Letterman and Leno and Conan are going to just beat it to death before I get any mileage out of it.
It's like you got picked to be in a Jenna Jameson 500-guy gangbang film, and then you show up and you're like 497 in line. You still might do it, but it's not going to be fresh.

 

by leildavid
3-24-06
I'm so paranoid about being racist, I constanly second-guess myself when I see a black celebrity on the street.
I saw Busta Rhymes walking down the street a while back, and I was like "Hey, that's Busta Rhymes."
And then I'm immediately like "No it's not you dick, you just can't tell the difference between two black people."
"Just because he looks like Busta Rhymes and he's got that beard and the tattoos and he's signing autographs for those kids."
"No, wait, it IS Busta Rhymes! All right, I'm not a racist!"
Now I've just got to move my wallet to my front pocket so his bodyguards don't mug me.

 

by leildavid
4-12-06
So, I'm sitting on the train, and there's this guy all the way at the other end of the train, and he's talking really loud. And first I'm like "What a dick."
But then I'm like "Well, that was a really culturally insensitive thing for me to think, I mean, black people are just loud."
And then I'm like "Holy shit, now that was a racist thing to think, I'm an asshole!"
And as I'm having this whole internal struggle over what is and is not ok for me to think, the song on my ipod ends, and I can actually hear what he's saying clearly.
And the first thing I hear out of his mouth is "DO THEY GOT FRIED CHICKEN? BECAUSE I LOOOVE FRIED CHICKEN"
Here I am mentally berating myself for judging this man based on the color of his skin, and he's just diving right into the stereotype like Greg Loughainis.

 

by leildavid
5-02-06
I saw a guy on the train the other day with a scar on his face, running down from his forehead, over his eye, down to his cheek.
And he didn't look like he had an evil plan at all.

 

by leildavid
7-27-06
My wife and I fight. I consider it a sign of a good relationship. Dating couples that are all cutesy and never fight are doomed.
People see us fighting in public and they stare, like "If you two hate each other so much, why don't you get a divorce?"
But the truth is we're just secure enough in our relationship to know that we can have a fight over peanut butter and we're not going to get divorced over it.

 

by leildavid
8-31-06
So, they decided that John Mark Karr guy couldn't have killed JonBenet Ramsey. That's nice. Personally, I didn't give a shit about this story when it was fresh.
I mean, sure, it's tragic, but really what difference does it make? What does it really matter who killed her?
She was a child beauty queen. She was already dead inside.

 

by leildavid
3-19-07
My wife and I have been having some problems lately. We've had fights, and we've both gotten mad.
And I've slept on the couch, etcetera, but I've never had the urge to get on stage and say mean things about her.
And thus, I have concluded that Sam Kinnison's wife must have really really been a bitch.

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