..."AHHH!!!! MY ASS!!!!"...

...and whichever of our nubile nude Nubian contestants guesses correctly which one he says stands to win...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

...A NEW CAR...seat cover...

...made from the rejected works of Tom Clancy such as...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

...The Hunt For Dark Red Kidney Beans, The Sum of all Math Problems You've Ever Done, and...

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I has a flavor!

...Patriot Board Games...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

...and the loser will take home a copy of the straight-to-video family funfest DVD, "The Muppets Take Mogadishu"...

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Chicken Feather Bed Bugs Bunny Hop Sing Out Side Street Walker Texas Ranger Cookie Dough Boy Wonder Years

...and...

..a signed copy of the fantastic new cookbook by..

...Zombie Joseph Beuys...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

... because success is for losers ...

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"Nothing expresses the brutal grandeur of rectal polyps and anal fistulae quite like the mother-tongue of Goethe."

...and victory is its own reward...

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"Only things I approve of should exist." -some guy on the internet

...but only if your colon is ready for...

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No.

popping out and crying for victory!

...and after eating nothing but McDonalds French Fries for 3 days and not drinking anything but Michelob, Billy's colon did exactly that, in the form of a...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

... massive tumor, breeding disease and pestilence, shooting high into the air and landing directly on not_Scyess' throbbing, swollen...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

...foot, which he then spread vicks vapor rub and peanut butter on because...

...the two combined in the right quantities will not only increase your post count, but...

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GOVT. Warning: Do not smoke around children they will badger you for fags.

...will make you BURN AWAY, which is exactly what happened when...

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Jesus saves, but everyone else in a 10 foot radius takes full damage from the fireball.

...I was young, and I kept a "Diary of Regret" and tried to record my mistakes day by day, but there was never a day when I didn't have twenty or thirty entries, so, as there was no end to it, I gave up and even today when I think of the day's affairs after I go to bed, there is never a day when I do not make some blunder in speaking or in some activity, because, living without mistakes is truly impossible, but, this is something that people who live by cleverness have no inclination to think about, and that something is...

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Please replace the handset, and try again.

...toasted marshmallow squares dipped in Jes's bottle of Evil, which...

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Mediocrity at its most average.

...sets up for a nice combination, one that is made of pig intestines, chicken genitals, bowel movements, and...

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No.

....frappuccino, though the flavor is not noticeably different from regular frappuccino, which seems not so much a beverage as a....

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What others say about boorite!

... effective way to eradicate mildew and hard water stains, or at least that's what the scary man on the T.V. said, and then he whipped out a large tub of cleanser and thus began to drink it unconcentrated, with bubbling, frothy suds getting caught in his coarse whiskers and...

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Ham-fisted ham fisting.

...we all watched in horror as the small alien residing within his whiskers was melted away before our eyes, but that's another story to be told by...

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Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.